This is semi NSFW, so proceed with caution if your boss could be standing behind you. The fact that I even need to say this about someone’s internet dating profile picture should clue you in that it’s going to be good…
I know. Crazy, ri–oh wait. There’s more…
So that’s who I’m being matched with on okcupid. In other news, still single!
Ah… men. Did we create this blog just to have a “legitimate” forum on which we could criticize you? No. We did not. But sometimes you make it so easy. Like this guy who messaged me last week.
I know what you’re thinking readers. You’re thinking, “L, this is not a pic of the week from an online dating website. It’s from the Pinterest board you share with your friends, titled, “romantic ideas of the future.”
But I assure you, this is indeed this gentleman’s profile picture on the good ol’ OKC. A man who is actively messaging women. And it creeps me out. Here’s why?
1. Candles-Ya’ll, I’ve been watching a lot of Pretty Little Liars recently, and the image that candles bring to mind is a suburban vigil for a missing teenage girl. Now, I understand that most other women in DC aren’t spending their weeknights with a bottle of wine and some ABC family on Netflix streaming, but there are plenty of terrifying/depressing candlelight images to go around.
I
I don’t know about you, but neither of these images makes me think, “Hmm, I’d love a date right now.”
I am aware that candles can be very romantic. I mean, who can forget this delicious scene from Serendipity:
The thing is buddy, we’re not there yet. Not even close.
Which brings me to my next reason to be freaked out by this picture…
2) I ❤ U: What does this mean? Do you love everyone you’ve encountered on the internet? Do you love everyone you message? Are you just really inspired by these three little words? Did you create this weird display yourself? Or did someone create this for you, and you thanked them for their affection by posting their tribute on your online dating profile?
3) Where is your face?: Most importantly, I would like to see your face. I’d even settle for one of your other body parts . (Just kidding…shudder). I don’t understand why someone would go through the trouble of posting a picture, ON A DATING WEBSITE, that is not even of a person. I mean, if you’re too scared to post a picture, at least let us stare at some fake eye candy.
Like him…
Or him…
Or him…
You’re welcome ladies. Happy Wednesday!
First, a little introduction to OKC’s sad cousin, POF. As far as I can tell from my experience on the site, POF is good for three things: harboring fetishists, providing generic and useless advice about healthy relationships, and eschewing basic principles of sentence construction. You post a few pictures, provide some demographic info, answer a few yes or no questions (do you do drugs? do you have children? etc.), and fill in as much or as little personal info as you’d like in an “about me” section. If I had to make a rough estimate of how many of those “about me” sections are just one giant stream-of-consciousness run-on sentence, I would say 93%. At the risk of sounding like my (former English teacher) mother (love you Mom!), what is happening to this world? Real life examples of people who have contacted me:
Maybe I’m being picky, but I’d like to date someone who understands, at the very least, where to place commas and periods. Bonus points for the use of the oxford comma. Want to really make me weak in the knees? Use apostrophes properly (or just at all, we can start there). The trifecta? Don’t senselessly abbreviate words, especially “and” down to just “n”. Three letter words do not need to be shortened. If POF is any indication, this is a sharply-declining population.*
POF is proving to be pretty useless, to be honest. But it did provide today’s Pic of the Week, so there’s at least a little value there… This 31 year old gentleman on POF had six pictures on his profile. NONE of which were of him. ALL of which featured delightfully healthy thoughts/quotes about relationships. Behold:
Let’s look at these individually, shall we? First up:
These “girls never go for good guys” rants are pretty standard actually. Guys just usually put them in their own words, instead of google imaging “the plight of the self-proclaimed nice guy” and posting the results as profile pictures. So kudos to him for creativity?
It’s true, when I picture my ideal relationship I’m always peacefully napping on the back of a shiny-skinned, muscle-clad man whose sole purpose in life is to stare at the ground all day whilst carrying me and providing for me. Who wants to be in a relationship where you both consider each other as an equal? It’s way better to be perceived as a weak female who is dependent on the men in her life.
If I’m too busy to call you or check on you, chances are pretty good I don’t love you. So you probably shouldn’t love me, stop being so understanding. You say “I’ll understand.” What you really mean is “I’m a spineless doormat.” (Tardiness isn’t a very good indication of my affections though, I’m late to things on a daily basis. So I will actually need someone to be understanding on that topic).
In a certain way, I can actually relate to this one. I’m a total catch, yes, but I’m also a complete lunatic (which is part of my charm). So every potential relationship for me involves a delicate balancing act between a) exposing some of the crazy in an endearing, adorable way, and b) hiding the majority of the crazy until he’s already fallen for me. Obviously this balancing act isn’t perfected yet, as I’m still single. It’s hard to be me.
He doesn’t seem like the kind who just goes with the flow and stays happy. He seems PRETTY paranoid, unhappy, and affected. Just the type of traits that I’m looking for in a guy.
This guy has either never dated at all, or only dated crazy bitches. My baggage is the size of a little wristlet compared to what this guy is carrying around.
a
*I had planned to provide just a brief description of POF as a lead-in to this post. I didn’t even realize what a tangent/rant I had gone off on until I previewed the finished draft. Apparently, I have strong feelings about good grammar. Sorry for taking you along on that ride. Except I’m not sorry, because the only thing that makes the dating population less soul-crushing is this blog.
This pic of the week is so confusing for me. I have so many questions.
1) What’s even happening here? Hernia, food poisoning, stab wound, what?
2) I shudder to ask this question, but what is he holding in his hands? And what is he doing with it? That’s as far as I’ll go with this line of inquiry…
3) Although this was taken in a bathroom, it’s not a self shot. Which begs the questions: a) Who took this picture? and b) Why? There’s clearly something wrong, why is this creepy photographer documenting his pain instead of coming to his aid?
4) That left thigh muscle terrifies me. Not technically a question, but still.
5) Why is he wearing tights? Is he a simpleton’s Robin Hood: Men in Tights? Couldn’t get his hands on a period vest or white button down, so black tights and a plain white T had to suffice? FYI: Cary Elwes and his band of merry men do it better buddy. Both physically, and because they had Mel Brooks.
Sorry for being MIA for over a week. I’m having a time lately. I’ve been in a weird mood, which I thought I had snapped out of after accidentally dining in the ‘burbs with some sassy septuagenarians. Judging by the fact that I made cookie dough last night, managed to make only 7 cookies before I forgot all about them (and I never forget about cookies), left the gas oven on for 5 hours, got up in the middle of the night to get a drink only to hear strange noises coming from my refrigerator that sounded to me like a frog, and had a panic attack at 2:30 a.m. in my kitchen, I’d bet good money that I’m still in that mood. Which is concerning, because old men shamelessly flirting with me is my kryptonite. That’s not even a joke – I Eat. That. Shit. Up. One of them even kissed my hand. I fanned myself with my other hand like a deranged southern belle and nearly passed out from joy. Things like that have never before failed to lift my spirits into the heavens. So I don’t know what’s going on. But I don’t want to disappoint you dear readers. So, pic of the week…
This week, the picture is actually the least offensive part. It’s the caption that kills me. And no, I did not caption that myself in an attempt at humor. That was ALL him.
When I was browsing my profile visitors the other day, this little ditty caught my eye:
Sorry you had to see this friends! And very sorry, any friends who opened this at work or near children.
First, let’s talk about what’s on everyone’s mind. What is this image? Is it a head? Is it a chin? Is it a butt?
This reminds me of those tricky pictures people used to show you in junior high school art class to make the point “people see different things in images?” Remember this one? I always saw the old lady first, which, according to Ms. Fleming, meant that I was “closer to the end of life,” then the people who saw the pretty young girl.
Let’s talk about what you could see:
It’s a face: The lips are at the top of the photo, and the T-shirt and neck are at the bottom. The star of the photo is the chin. This gentleman wanted to attract the ladies by showing off that he’s too busy to shave, and prefers to maintain a facial hair situation that involves, for lack of a better description, “a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that.” And, that he’s no spring chicken, and already proudly going gray. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But this guy’s no Danny Ocean.
It’s a butt: This is what I thought initially. There is a defined crack. And there are two cheeks. And that hair is very coarse, and curly, and looks like no one has groomed it in awhile. Clearly, the good people at OKC do not think it’s a butt, or they’d remove the image. But it’s possible that two OKC site administrators sat in their office and experienced the same confusion:
OKC site administrator 1: Hey, should we take down this image? It looks like a butt!
OKC site administrator 2: No, it’s somebody’s chin, can’t see you the lips, and the T-shirt?
OKC site administrator 1: I don’t know man, those lips look like a crack…
OKC site administrator 2: Oh well, let’s just leave it up. Anyone showing this terrible judgement in profile photo selection doesn’t deserve to get messages anyway…
Bottom line is: butts that look like heads and heads that look like butts should NOT be featured on an online dating site. Or really, anywhere, except a comedic bit from Cool Runnings.
And, the final mystery: Who took this picture, and how? Was it a friend who put an Iphone camera in his buddy’s mouth? Is this a self-shot GONE WRONG? Is this photo shoot a dirty little relic from a photographer/dirty model role play that resulted in some naked booty shots?
Stayed tuned folks, we’re going to give Detectives Stabler and Benson a break from investigating homicides and get them on the case!
Before looking at today’s pics (yes, there are two–get ready to double your pleasure), allow me to set the mood for you. Press play below:
Fantastic. Now you’re ready. Behold:
Sigh. These are 100% my favorite pics that we’ve featured so far. Let’s get down to it:
And now we come to our final, most important bullet:
Also, I’ve decided that from now on when people ask me about my dating life and I tell them I’m single, instead of feeling bad about myself I’m going to whip out my wallet which will contain two 3×5 copies of these beauties, flip that shit open for all to see, drop the mic and walk away.
Conclusion: The implied takeaway is that he’s just a normal guy with a nice little economical car (assuming he bought it and isn’t just doing his best Joey impression sans a sweet fanny pack). The actual takeaway is that he loves that car so much that he would probably treat it better than he would treat me, whether he owns it or just visits it at the dealership sometimes. As Si frequently says:
After last week’s post we received a lot of requests for more profile pictures. Ask and you shall receive, people! This is literally the easiest task we’ve ever been given. It took me all of 40 seconds to find something for you all to enjoy. And if I don’t have to doctor a pic to make it anonymous, you KNOW it’s gonna be good…
Conclusion: Dude is doing his best Sisqo impression circa 2000 and failing miserably. Coincidentally I just remembered how much I used to love Dru Hill… looks like I just found my soundtrack for the rest of the day.
Stupid Cupid 