Message Monday – The Dead Rat

Today’s message is a little different than others, but I’ll get to that in a second. First, the offending message (with the boring pleasantries redacted so you can truly focus on the good part):

message monday - dead rat

What a charming little anecdote! Nothing says “I’m not a weirdo, you should totally be interested in me!” like talking about a dead rat. Rodents are a great conversation starter…

Now, how is this message different, you ask? Well – I didn’t receive it.

I wrote it.

And clicked send.


What the FUCK is wrong with me? Why would I share that? Especially as my first communication with this guy? I mean, some things are funny, but should probably wait to be shared. This isn’t one of those things. It’s not a good story EVER. I even acknowledge that it’s a terrible thing to share/talk about, but instead of just using that handy little backspace key on my keyboard I just say “but there it is anyway.” I wasn’t even drunk or otherwise incapacitated. It was mid afternoon on a weekday. I was at my desk at work eating a peanut butter and honey uncrustable (marketed towards “families on the move”, purchased by lazy 28 year olds who can’t be bothered to perform the strenuous task of making a peanut butter sandwich).

The worst part is that this guy had messaged me first, so he was interested. But then he got that response and I never heard from him again. He seemed interesting and fun too. But I went and shined a glaring light on why I’m single and on dating websites in the first place. This is not the first time I have verbal diarrhead all over a guy, it’s a specialty of mine. Like that time I launched into a detailed explanation of why if I had to choose (and I don’t know why I ever would have to choose), I would be a proctologist before I was a podiatrist. I still cry on the inside thinking about that, it haunts me. An unfortunate number of other examples just flooded my memory and I had to take a moment to compose myself. Annnnnnyway… I thought maybe online dating would be different, what with the benefit of a computer between us and the ability to take a moment and edit myself. I thought I had a chance at escaping my past. Not so. NOT. SO.

L tried to make me feel better by pretending that my message was ok.

L: I mean, it’s not like you said you took the dead rat home and made out with it.

D: He hasn’t messaged me since.

L: Well he may have died.

That explanation doesn’t brand me a crazy cat rat lady, so I’m going with death…


10 thoughts on “Message Monday – The Dead Rat

  1. My favorite post of yours by a long shot. I loved that you took a turn in the hot seat and judged your own messaging skills. You ballsy, crazy rat lady!

    PS I actually didn’t think the message was that bad. Proctologist v. Podiatrist was 1,000 times worse. Also, if he wasn’t immediately charmed by your kooky candor, eff this dude. Onto the next one.

  2. I really don’t think it’s bad at all!! Am I the weirdo here? I don’t even think proctologist vs. podiatrist is bad- I guess cause I’d rather touch junk than feet too. Wrong? Anyone? Bueller?

  3. Haha, finding weird/gross things isn’t that bad, but I’m surprised you acknowledged that it was a bad story to tell in the message. That’s like trying to leave a casual and breezy voicemail, then saying that you’re breezy…it totally negates the breezy #awkward

    • I mean, I’m only human, so I’m willing to shine the light on my own mistakes as much as I shine it on others’ online missteps. BTW – nice Friends reference! That episode is tied for my favorite ever, along with the one where they play the trivia game for the girls’ apartment.

  4. Pingback: Message Monday: upright and cool dude | Stupid Cupid

  5. Pingback: Pic of the Week: Saggy Breasts | Stupid Cupid

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