Message Monday: Why does S look so ugly?

Good morning and Happy Monday! (Ugh). Everyone had their coffee? Great. Here’s a little treat to ease you into the work week:

message monday 6-24-13

First of all, the worst part of this message is so not the message itself. It’s the fact that I’m allegedly a 74% match with this assclown. Second, if you’ll notice I didn’t block out his “profile pic” aka head shot for an amateur body building competition sponsored by Monster Energy Drink and/or Grindr profile pic that he recycled upon deciding to try out the ladies for a while. In fact, let’s turn this into a combined Message Monday/pic of the week post and check out his sweet bod, shall we?

message monday 6-24-13 pic

Wow. Nice tribal tattoo, bro. Very 2001. Also, nice toilet.

Now, while I’m busy befuddling the men of okcupid with my unattractiveness, let’s see what this guy is up to. Take a look at some of his answers to questions:

message monday intense intell

I am shocked by this. Shocked.

message monday politics

Again, are you serious? I was about to ask your opinion on the NSA leak.

message monday nuclear

You’d probably have to put on a shirt, though. Radiation and all. So that would be a bummer.

message monday racial

That’s a shame, not because you’re an ignorant racist, but because women of color are really missing out by not having the chance to date you. What a loss.

message monday discovering

Well, we’ve all been lucky enough to discover yours already, and may I just say it’s been an honor.

message monday physical features

PREACH. Superficial people are the worst. I’m thrilled that we see eye to eye on this issue, headless tool with a shirtless selfie profile pic who just called a stranger ugly on an online dating site.

message monday comin for ya

Well that’s… terrifying. Please stay right where you are, which I can only assume is first in line at Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s book signing.

situation book

 

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Trending: Dating Trends

Hello loyal readers! Before I get to my post, just wanted to share a quick social media update: you can now follow StuCu on both Facebook and Twitter!

 

As you can see, we currently have exactly one twitter follower (thanks, E!) and zero Facebook followers, so if we get 5 total out of this little PSA we will feel like the coolest girls at band camp. We’ve also had some questions about sharing the blog on Facebook (you guys are the best) since we’re trying to stay anonymous, but these pages aren’t connected at all to our personal accounts so please feel free to share away!

All three of us will be tweeting, possibly even live tweeting during dates (okay that admittedly would be a tad rude, but I can’t promise there won’t be bathroom tweeting if a date is awful), talking about upcoming posts, doing a lot of unnecessary (slash totally necessary) hashtagging, and sharing super interesting tidbits about our exciting single lives…

#LizLemonforever (don’t say I didn’t warn you!) Now without further delay, here is Friday’s post on dating trends:

When we started this blog a few months ago, I opened a fresh Google doc and made a list of everyone I’ve been out with for reference/story purposes. As I reviewed my past dates, I started to notice certain…similarities. Trends, if you will. It turns out the guys I’ve been seeing definitely have some random things in common. Unfortunately I don’t mean that I’ve dated multiple socially conscious millionaires with hearts of gold, or multiple guys who look like this:

ryan shirtless

My examples are slightly weirder…

Number of journalists I’ve dated: 4

Two of these guys were print journalists, an ALLEGEDLY dying profession, but I somehow managed to find a few. To be clear I was not a journalism major, I don’t work in journalism (unless you count my prestigious blogging career), and I don’t mention anything about being an aspiring writer on my profile. Please know that two of these guys also literally attended the same (out of state) school for journalism. Possible Explanation: I obviously like to write, and I definitely value that talent in others. I also think I’m drawn to well written and witty profiles since that’s legitimately all you have to go off of in the beginning. Plus I totally judge people on spelling and grammar. And not to toot my own horn (too late) but I think I’m a pretty decent writer, so maybe that’s how these dudes are finding their way to my profile. Either that or they all know each other and this is some sort of elaborate ruse for an article in the Chicago Sun Times.

Damn, I forgot about Michael Vartan. He was a delicious treat.

Number of former DJs or guys who claimed to DJ “as a hobby”: 3

Is this a thing I wasn’t aware of? Does everyone suddenly have a turntable in their living room? One of these dudes allegedly messed around with it for fun, but the second was a well known DJ in Philly for a while (my friends and I refer to him exclusively as DJ A___) and the third had a podcast that he DJ’d every Sunday and apparently was often hired to “spin at house parties” (PS who the eff is hiring a DJ for their house party? College frats? Hipsters? Weird ravers who didn’t get the memo that it’s no longer 2001?) So there’s that. And PS I always found out about this in person, on a date, not beforehand… it’s to the point where the last guy said “DJ” and I literally thought my friends were punking me. Possible Explanation: I love music, and I definitely mention that in my profile, but it’s interesting that I’ve never been out with an actual musician/member of a band. Just, you know, MCs spinning jams.

Fun useless pop culture fact: that scary DJ is none other than Justin Theroux, aka Mr. Jennifer Aniston. So apparently I’m in good company.

Number of guys who claimed I was their first or second OKCupid date ever: 4+

Yeahhhh. This one is… troubling. I mean, how do I not interpret this as guys are asking me out because they think I’m super obtainable as a date/not out of their league/someone they want to “practice” on? I know I certainly thought that about my first date ever… I literally looked at his profile said out loud, “WELP, gotta start somewhere.” I also do feel like I’m more nice/polite/friendly than your average jaded single gal, so maybe that just comes off as approachable? I hope? #Laugh/cry. Possible Explanation: I’m the dating equivalent of training wheels. In the interest of not wanting to kill myself, let’s just chalk it up to me being super awesome and guys not wanting to waste another second before meeting me. Or alternatively, that they’re all lying (wouldn’t be the first time) and are actually seasoned online dating veterans.

Number of “actors”: 3

I live in Philly, so obviously we’re not talking card carrying SAG members who are gunning for soaps and Old Spice commercials (remember this gem?). I wish. These three guys all had day jobs but acted locally on stage as a hobby. I believe the the term “regional theater” was used more than once in conversation. So actually that “ironic” 30 Rock clip from the beginning of the post could LITERALLY apply to me if I dated one of these guys long term. One of them had also recently joined an improv group…

Possible explanation: I honestly have no idea what this trend is about. I mean, one of my dating pet peeves is guys who are bad conversationalists, and these were definitely three of my more outgoing dates, so in that way it makes sense.

Conclusion: Apparently I date dramatic musical writers who are just looking to write headlines, spin some vinyl and get their feet wet in the dating world before moving on to greener pastures. Hmm. Well. I think I need to call on the wisdom of my spirit animal, Liz Lemon, once again: 

Have a great weekend, guys!

Pic of the Week: Beverly Hills Polo Club

After last week’s post we received a lot of requests for more profile pictures. Ask and you shall receive, people! This is literally the easiest task we’ve ever been given. It took me all of 40 seconds to find something for you all to enjoy. And if I don’t have to doctor a pic to make it anonymous, you KNOW it’s gonna be good…

pic of the week shirtless

Talking Points:

  • Beverly Hills Polo Club. Omg. What is our best guess re: the origin of these? Ross? Burlington Coat Factory? A cart in Chinatown? Please don’t take me for a snob; I frequent all of these establishments (except the carts in Chinatown… mama needs to have some standards) but the fact that these are being flashed as a status symbol is beyond amazing to me.
  • The belt. Sigh. I’m afraid nothing will make me happier for the rest of the week than this belt (probably why I’m single). Simply majestic.
  • Hairy, undefined torso. Close up. Again, I am farrr from a model so it’s not my place to judge anyone’s body, but why are you putting it out there in high def in the first place? I don’t want to stare into the terrifying abyss that is your belly button any more than I want to know where I can get that belt (that’s a complete lie. I need that belt ASAP).

Conclusion: Dude is doing his best Sisqo impression circa 2000 and failing miserably. Coincidentally I just remembered how much I used to love Dru Hill… looks like I just found my soundtrack for the rest of the day.

Five profile pics I never want to see again

If a picture is worth a thousand words, it’s worth approximately 15,000 on an online dating site, where that and a short bio are the only tools at one’s disposal to help determine whether someone is an eligible match. I’ve seen some cringe-worthy photos in my months of online dating, some of which make me question the sanity and intelligence of the xy chromosome as a whole.

For your viewing pleasure (or displeasure), I’ve narrowed it down to the five most common photographic offenses that baffle me, bug me, and mostly just freak me out. Gentlemen of the dating world: please heed my advice and avoid posting these types of pictures at all costs. If I never see another one, it will be too soon. 

  1. Self shot in your bathroom mirror– I cannot even tell you how many of these are out there. I could start a tumblr exclusively featuring this type of picture and literally keep it going for years. Guys, if your sink, your shower curtain or God forbid, your toilet is visible in a photo, please reconsider. Also, the dudes who post these are almost always repeat offenders; four shots in a row where I can identify not only that you have a Droid Galaxy II but also what brand of shaving cream you use is a bit much. You’re telling me you don’t have one decent photo that someone else took of you at some point in the past year? Or a friend who’s willing to help you out? Now I’m just sad for you.  bathroom pic dual okc okc pic bathroom douche.JPG
  2. Photo with your ex-girlfriend (or for all I know, your current girlfriend)— Seriously? You’re on an online dating site. In what universe does it sound like a good idea to post a picture of you canoodling with some girl? Also, I’m sure your ex would be thrilled to know that a picture of her in pjs with no makeup on is being used to help you score dates on the internet. You’re exactly the type of guy I’m dying to go out with! Bonus if the dude blocks out just his ex-girlfriend’s face from every picture. ‘A’ for effort, sir, but did you know you can cut her entire body out? It’s this newfangled thing called the crop tool.                                                                                                                              guy with gf covered okcokc pic couple
  3. Pic of you and a child (WITHOUT caption)— Look. I love kids and babies. If you post a picture of yourself holding your adorable baby niece, I promise it will make my ovaries tingle. But if you don’t TELL ME whose child that is in the comment section or on your profile, am I wrong in assuming she’s yours? No, no I’m not. So do me a favor and let me know whether or not you’re a baby daddy, would you? Mystery is overrated.                                                                                                                   okc pic baby cupid
  4. Shirtless pic– Please. Save that shit for Craigslist.                                                                                                         okc pic shirtless cupid
  5. Masks/inexplicable costumes–I mean…                                                                                                                                               okc pic mask ANON                                                                                                                                          Honorable mentions: professional head shots (calm down, this isn’t LA), severely pixellated/blurry/far away shots (are you hiding a terrible skin disease? Do you have leprosy?), pictures featuring the middle finger and/or the shocker (so charming! See photo #1)

-S