Message Monday: You’re definitely not my type

A few days ago, this charmer reached out to me:

message monday not my type

First of all, the first sentence reeks of enthusiasm. I always use “apparently” to convey how thrilled I am about something.

“Apparently, Microsoft Outlook has decided not to work today.”

“I got a parking ticket because, apparently, there was street cleaning on Tuesday night. Even though the sign said Wednesday.”

Apparently, my ex thinks it’s still ok to list me as his emergency contact.”

In his next sentence, this guy elaborates on just how annoyed he is we’ve been matched. My favorite phrase: “you’re definitely not my type.” Really, buddy? Am I SO not your type that you actually had to contact me to share that? Instead of just clicking away from my profile like a normal person? Are you writing Sallybot and the folks at OKCupid an angry customer email because they mismatched us so egregiously?

Thirdly, if you’re looking for an old spinster, you should probably stop online dating, since most old people use the internet to get on AOL and search for things on Ask.com. 

Lastly, what does, “can you please help me” mean? Can I help him connect with an older woman who might die soon? Can I help him find better matches on OKCupid? No sir, I cannot help you. 

I mean, it’s quite possible that this guy just loves sarcasm, and I will admit that, if a similar pick-up line were delivered in person, or by Chandler Bing, I might even find it funny. (I mean, it is funny. That’s why I am posting about it).

But the thing is, there is also a chance that this guy is serious, in which case: he bruised my fragile ego, and basically admitted to having homicidal tendencies when it comes to partners. And that chance is enough for me to press delete.

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Pic of the week: Face or Butt?

When I was browsing my profile visitors the other day, this little ditty caught my eye:

pic of the week 3-6-2013

Sorry you had to see this friends! And very sorry, any friends who opened this at work or near children.

First, let’s talk about what’s on everyone’s mind. What is this image? Is it a head? Is it a chin? Is it a butt?

This reminds me of those tricky pictures people used to show you in junior high school art class to make the point “people see different things in images?” Remember this one? I always saw the old lady first, which, according to Ms. Fleming, meant that I was “closer to the end of life,” then the people who saw the pretty young girl. 

Let’s talk about what you could see:

It’s a face: The lips are at the top of the photo, and the T-shirt and neck are at the bottom. The star of the photo is the chin. This gentleman wanted to attract the ladies by showing off that he’s too busy to shave, and prefers to maintain a facial hair situation that involves, for lack of a better description,  “a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that.” And, that he’s no spring chicken, and already proudly going gray. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But this guy’s no Danny Ocean.

It’s a butt: This is what I thought initially. There is a defined crack. And there are two cheeks. And that hair is very coarse, and curly, and looks like no one has groomed it in awhile. Clearly, the good people at OKC do not think it’s a butt, or they’d remove the image. But it’s possible that two OKC site administrators sat in their office and experienced the same confusion:

OKC site administrator 1: Hey, should we take down this image? It looks like a butt!

OKC site administrator 2: No, it’s somebody’s chin, can’t see you the lips, and the T-shirt?

OKC site administrator 1: I don’t know man, those lips look like a crack…

OKC site administrator 2: Oh well, let’s just leave it up.  Anyone showing this terrible judgement in profile photo selection doesn’t deserve to get messages anyway…

Bottom line is:  butts that look like heads and heads that look like butts should NOT be featured on an online dating site. Or really, anywhere, except a comedic bit from Cool Runnings.

And, the final mystery: Who took this picture, and how? Was it a friend who put an Iphone camera in his buddy’s mouth? Is this a self-shot GONE WRONG? Is this photo shoot a dirty little relic from a photographer/dirty model role play that resulted in some naked booty shots?

Stayed tuned folks, we’re going to give Detectives Stabler and Benson a break from investigating homicides and get them on the case!

Pic of the Week: Dog, Baby, no boy

Here’s a little gem from someone that messaged me last week:

EDITED VERSION - terrible picture baby and dog 2-19-213

Dude, follow the rules. OK Cupid says you have to post a picture of you. (Even if it’s grossly inaccurate.) It also specifically says no babies and animals, and you’ve managed to incorporate both. 

Now, maybe you’re trying to be funny. I mean, baby trapped inside a dog’s cone is kinda funny. And, it would be sort of funny to think of either of them saying, “come at me bro.” I’m a little concerned about your judgement if you’d shove a toddler, who is wearing mismatched socks, BTW,  into a big dog’s face just for a funny OKC profile photo shoot. But I give you some credit for picking a photo that makes people laugh. (Instead of cry, which is what happens most of the time when you look at the photos of people who actually message you).

But, what’s this?  If I look more closely, I’ll see that you didn’t even come up with this yourself! You got it from some weird, spam laden tumblr. Zero points for creativity, BRO. Looks like I won’t be coming at you any time soon.

-L

 

Five profile pics I never want to see again

If a picture is worth a thousand words, it’s worth approximately 15,000 on an online dating site, where that and a short bio are the only tools at one’s disposal to help determine whether someone is an eligible match. I’ve seen some cringe-worthy photos in my months of online dating, some of which make me question the sanity and intelligence of the xy chromosome as a whole.

For your viewing pleasure (or displeasure), I’ve narrowed it down to the five most common photographic offenses that baffle me, bug me, and mostly just freak me out. Gentlemen of the dating world: please heed my advice and avoid posting these types of pictures at all costs. If I never see another one, it will be too soon. 

  1. Self shot in your bathroom mirror– I cannot even tell you how many of these are out there. I could start a tumblr exclusively featuring this type of picture and literally keep it going for years. Guys, if your sink, your shower curtain or God forbid, your toilet is visible in a photo, please reconsider. Also, the dudes who post these are almost always repeat offenders; four shots in a row where I can identify not only that you have a Droid Galaxy II but also what brand of shaving cream you use is a bit much. You’re telling me you don’t have one decent photo that someone else took of you at some point in the past year? Or a friend who’s willing to help you out? Now I’m just sad for you.  bathroom pic dual okc okc pic bathroom douche.JPG
  2. Photo with your ex-girlfriend (or for all I know, your current girlfriend)— Seriously? You’re on an online dating site. In what universe does it sound like a good idea to post a picture of you canoodling with some girl? Also, I’m sure your ex would be thrilled to know that a picture of her in pjs with no makeup on is being used to help you score dates on the internet. You’re exactly the type of guy I’m dying to go out with! Bonus if the dude blocks out just his ex-girlfriend’s face from every picture. ‘A’ for effort, sir, but did you know you can cut her entire body out? It’s this newfangled thing called the crop tool.                                                                                                                              guy with gf covered okcokc pic couple
  3. Pic of you and a child (WITHOUT caption)— Look. I love kids and babies. If you post a picture of yourself holding your adorable baby niece, I promise it will make my ovaries tingle. But if you don’t TELL ME whose child that is in the comment section or on your profile, am I wrong in assuming she’s yours? No, no I’m not. So do me a favor and let me know whether or not you’re a baby daddy, would you? Mystery is overrated.                                                                                                                   okc pic baby cupid
  4. Shirtless pic– Please. Save that shit for Craigslist.                                                                                                         okc pic shirtless cupid
  5. Masks/inexplicable costumes–I mean…                                                                                                                                               okc pic mask ANON                                                                                                                                          Honorable mentions: professional head shots (calm down, this isn’t LA), severely pixellated/blurry/far away shots (are you hiding a terrible skin disease? Do you have leprosy?), pictures featuring the middle finger and/or the shocker (so charming! See photo #1)

-S