The Post that Gave D a Nervous Breakdown

We’re resurrecting Pic of the Week, because if we didn’t with this picture, we would be legally obligated to turn in our blogger cards. This guy popped up as one of my “matches” on Hinge (more on Hinge in a later post).

The problem is, I don’t even know where to begin with this one…

Girls and Corpses

This is a real publication?!?

What.

The.

FUCK?!

Let me tell you, I just fell into a really fucking weird internet wormhole researching this magazine. You know, the “world’s first comedy magazine about death” that sometimes does photo shoots in real live morgues. 24 issues may not seem like a lot, but you go look at 24 magazine covers featuring scantily clad women getting up close and personal with dead bodies and try to tell me with a straight face that you don’t feel forever unclean.

I mean, it’s endorsed by Sheri Moon Zombie, which is literally all I need to know about it. True story – I was once conned into watching The Devil’s Rejects on my birthday, by the guy I was seeing when I started law school, and I will never be the same. I lost so much that day: innocence, the contents of my stomach, the will to live. (I may or may not have just taken a break to text him “remember that time you ruined my birthday by making me watch The Devil’s Rejects? you still owe me for that.”). I’m getting sidetracked. All these corpses, plus that movie trailer (that I inexplicably watched despite the fact that every scene of that movie is seared into my brain and will haunt me for all of eternity), has really put me in a weird place today. What I’m trying to say is, a good litmus test of how much I would enjoy something is to ask “would Sheri Moon Zombie like this?” If the answer is yes, get it the fuck away from me. I don’t care if it’s heavy on satire and meant as “a commentary on advertising, where you put a beautiful girl next to anything to sell it.” I just. NO.

Back to the picture at hand. Literally, because on the cover of the issue this dude is displaying, the corpse is getting a little handsy up underneath that bathing suit. It’s so creepy and gross, but I can’t look away. Why is the corpse feeling up this Baywatch model? WHY IS THIS HOW I SPENT MY DAY IN BETWEEN CLOSINGS?!

Among all the other burning questions I have about this, the one that is most relevant to this blog is: why is this one of this dude’s featured profile pics? What is this picture supposed to tell me about him? Because the first thing that came to my mind was “I’ll probably murder you and do unspeakable things to your dead body.” Granted, I now know that this a satire/comedy magazine, but that doesn’t really eliminate the possibility that this dude is a deranged psychopath who just enjoys the spread and doesn’t give a shit about the articles. The necrophiliac’s Playboy, if you will.

That last sentence has me wondering how my life has come to this point, where I’m describing things as “the necrophiliac’s Playboy.” I take it back – Wallet Chain (the nickname my friends “affectionately” gave the guy I dated in law school) didn’t ruin my life.

Online dating did.

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Pic of the Week – Pumping Gas

Before I get to the substance of this post, I would first like to address the unfortunate uptick in the usage of YOLO around these parts. Both of my fabulous co-bloggers have used the term in their recent posts. And though I love them dearly, I would like to officially distance myself from them when it comes to this stupid ass phrase. Under no circumstances do I want anyone thinking that I’m calling this the “summer of YOLO.” 

weevil time to party

Source: http://www.pinterest.com/caridee17/veronica-mars/

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally on board with and embrace the sentiment behind “summer of YOLO.” Much like S and L, earlier this week I demanded an explanation from the guy I was seeing who faded into oblivion (it was a BS reason), where I previously would have just wondered and obsessed in silence. I’ve tried a bunch of new things this summer, both on the dating front, and in general. I just shun the actual term “YOLO.” And I wanted to make that clear. 

Okey dokey, on to the topic at hand – dating. We haven’t done a pic of the week in awhile. It’s high time we fix this.

The majority of profile pics tend to fall into one of the following categories:

  • selfies (most typically of the bathroom variety);
  • with friends at a bar/party/club, drink in hand;
  • at a sporting event;
  • in formal attire (“____’s wedding!”); and/or
  • doing something outside, most commonly hiking or at the beach.

But we wouldn’t have this blog feature if everyone stuck to that predictable format. Shit would get real boring, real fast. Which brings me to a rarely seen category: dude performing a mundane task.

pic of the week - pumping gas 

Pros:

  • full body shot
  • he knows how to pump gas (I know that seems like an obvious thing people know, but on a road trip with a friend one summer, I went in to get snacks and left him to pump the gas, and he apparently had to ask the guy behind us for help, so I no longer assume)

Cons:

  • not interesting in any way, shape, or form
  • unclear whether this is: his car, a stranger’s car, a rental car, or a friend’s car
  • potentially a shot of him just doing his job
  • not interesting in any way, shape, or form
  • you can not actually see his face
  • not interesting in any way, shape, or form

What exactly is the point of this picture? Both in general and for an online dating profile? Why was this picture even taken? He’s not gassing up the Batmobile or an Aston Martin. It’s a subaru. And nothing against subarus, I’ve owned 2, but no one cares. Despite that, someone whipped out their camera(phone) anyway and documented this happening, and then this dude thought to himself, “you know what would be a great profile pic on OKC – that pic of me filling up a tank of gas!” The only thing this has going for it is that it wasn’t taken in a showroom.

If you’re going to put up pictures of you with a vehicle, at least make it worth my while. Unless it’s one of these beauties, I don’t give a shit:

aston martin vantage roadster

Source: autoevolution.com

two tone pickup

Source: rustfreeclassics.com

HA, those 2 images look absurd together. Don’t worry, I know that the second picture is pretty specific to me. But god I love a pickup. And an old-school two-tone pickup? Heaven. Rustfreeclassics.com is a gold mine for me. (Of course I love something on a site called Rust Free Classics). But I also love that Vantage Roadster. I don’t know how to explain it, but they both do it for me.

You know who drives a sweet truck? My soulmate:

Tim Riggins pickup truck

Source: dearfuturehubby.com

Texas forever man. Texas forever.

Pic of the week: Pee Wee’s hipster horror house

Irrational fears seem to be a recurring theme here at StuCu, and this guy clearly knew how to jump right into my personal nightmares/psychoses…

peewee

Can I just say:

that's messed up

I can’t even address what’s happening on his shoulder just yet, because OMFG, so let’s start with the dude. Look, I know this guy. The bow tie, the shaggy cut, the facial hair, the twee little accessory. I’m guessing he also plays the banjo and worships Ira Glass.

ira glass

This is what I call a fancy hipster. Not to be confused with a dirty hipster, whose skinny jeans are covered in bike grease. A fancy hipster dresses in a jaunty fashion and has a fetish for inane, ironic objects. He might collect vintage badminton rackets. Or he might…

Now, birds I can actually handle, although neither of my co-bloggers can say the same (as previously noted, L and D’s bird phobias are no joke). You know what I can’t handle?

Creepy dolls. Look at that thing. If that doesn’t scream “I’m going to come to life in the middle of the night and kill you”, I don’t know what does. This phobia probably stems from the fact that my older cousin let me watch a movie called Dolls with him when I was around 7, and I’ve basically been sleeping with one eye open ever since. That also goes for puppets, mannequins, and anything that has the potential to reanimate and come after me. Also, this is not just any doll, it’s a fucking Pee Wee Herman doll. And I’m sorry, HOW TERRIFYING WAS PEE WEE’S PLAYHOUSE???

Seriously, that is some SINISTER. SHIT. I never watched that show as a kid, really because it was slightly before my time, and thank God for that. Luckily, I was born into a golden age of kid’s television instead:

Bottom line, fancy hipster: I’m already worried enough that my actual human dates are going to kill me without you adding a potential evil doll murderer into the mix. Also, fuck Pee Wee. Nickelodeon forever.

Pic of the Week – Word Play

While L has been regaling you all with tales of her superior messaging/life advice skills, and S has been coming down from the shock of this epic discovery, I’ve just been up here in Boston doing an Oscar worthy impression of a deaf/mute on the commuter rail*, mooning over Tim Riggins, and refusing to go out or do anything that costs money since I’m leaving in a week for a vacation to France and Iceland (because that polar vortex just wasn’t enough for this winter lover). Meaning: I will not be the co-blogger upholding S’s recent promise to you loyal readers of some date stories soon.

I mean, the closest I’ve come to going on a date in the past 4 months was in early December when I went out after work on a Tuesday with my new(ish) co-worker to do some bonding over drinks. Despite the fact that S is cute and very funny, and under other circumstances I would welcome going on a date with him, it was not a date. It simply resembled a date in that we were 2 people at a bar having drinks. As we were relative strangers and work together in a very small firm, he responsibly nursed 2 beers. Meanwhile, I got a wee bit drunk on my drink of choice, Jack and Ginger, and after we parted ways ruined a perfectly good pair of tights in what would be an extremely embarrassing fashion if I had any dignity left (I lost what shred of dignity I had left around mid July, 2012). I guess it resembled a date in more ways than 1. Regardless, I continue to be unworthy of a dating blog, and there will not likely be any date stories in the near future penned by me. But I do have a new work friend, so that’s a plus at least.

Despite my serious shortcomings lately, S & L haven’t kicked me to the curb just yet. So this week I offer an olive branch with a rather delightful pic of the week.

2013-12-27 15.40.25

Did I say delightful? I actually meant crude and unfunny. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of word play. I mean, when I made the switch from a droid to an iphone, it was 95% so that I could buy this iphone case:

i mustache you a question but i'll shave it for later

But really? Carpet munching? If this picture is meant to exhibit the triple threat of wit, stunning physique, and sexual prowess, color me as unimpressed as the late, great, Whitney:

whitney houston - not funny

If you noticed that that picture was the second of 2 and are wondering what other gem he has up on his dating profile, I present you with:

2013-12-27 15.40.35

dramatic eye roll

Here’s hoping I get whisked off my feet by a rugged Icelandic lad and live out the rest of my days in the kind of climate few of us truly enjoy…

a

*UPDATE: I did finally manage to break the ice with CC. How, you ask. Flirty banter? A charming anecdote? No. By forgetting that I parked in Walpole that morning, which is one stop before my usual station on the way home, and then missing the stop for Walpole that evening (adding an hour to my commute). Because of course that would be the catalyst for me to finally speak to him like a human being. So although we do interact more now, including an occasional inquiry from CC as we approach Walpole about whether or not I’m there or in Norfolk (I’m now memorable at least), and enough for me to discover that he has a girlfriend of 7 years (through an actual conversation that I was a part of and not an eavesdropper to – GROWTH!), a leopard can’t change its spots. I’m still awkward little ‘ole me, who more often than not reacts to the presence of a nice, entertaining, attractive guy by pleading with my eyes for him to somehow know intuitively that I’m actually funny and charming if he could just make the first move.

Pic of the Week – Just 1 thumbs up

Happy Wednesday everyone! This week’s installment of absurd profile pics comes to you from a hospital bed. Because nothing says “Date Me!” like a sturdy, blue cotton johnny.

torn ACL

If you’re going to use this on your dating profile, at the very least you should tell me how you tore your ACL. Were you rescuing a baby from a burning building? Trouble navigating the cobblestones while drunkenly barhopping in Faneuil? Heli-skiing? Another casualty of a winter manbrella? I mean, give me something interesting to work with here. Because white bed linens, a thumbs up, and a giant knee brace do not a good picture make.

I’ll give it to him though, that wheelchair emoji KILLS me.

Pic of the Week – Automatic -150 points

For the average person, there is nothing wrong with this picture. It’s a pretty normal, tame profile picture. Just an (admittedly) cute guy and his school mascot. But for those with half a brain a discerning eye, there is a lot wrong with this picture.

Boston College - gross

Boston College is the WORST.

The only thing that could make this picture more awful would be if he was wearing a superfan shirt. Unless it’s this one, in which case, +300 points.

Boston Superfraud shirt

tshirt credit to barstool sports.

Also, true or false: at the wedding that S and D were recently in, we (and about 30+ others), became incensed and loudly boo’d and heckled the DJ when he asked all BC grads to come out to the dance floor for a special picture with the bride and groom. We went to BU you fool – get your shit together.

Pic of the Week: Seeing Triple

The guy featured below has one and only one profile picture. But he really maximized his exposure in that single jpeg. He appears not once, not even twice, but 3 times!

triple headshot glory

From what I can tell (it’s a bit harder for you readers what with that cupid head and all), the left version of him and the center version of him are virtually identical. Same facial expression, pose, everything. It’s his serious/contemplative side. The version of him on the right though is a little more upbeat, a little more casual with the fists. He even broke out a smile. Slow down there buddy!

Or, he’s a triplet, and they all just share a single profile?

Either way, as a casting agent potential date, I’m not impressed.

Pic(s) of the week: Cat Fancy

Happy Hump Day, guys and gals. Don’t worry, I’m not going to bring up that Geico camel, tempting though it may be, but I would like to discuss another controversial animal: the common house cat.

Unlike my co-blogger L, whose hatred for felines has been well covered, I happen to like cats. I grew up with them and I never understood why they get such a bad rap, especially from smug, superior dog owners (you know who you are, guys.) Cats are clean, adorable, quiet, and soft. I enjoy them.

So I’ve established that I like cats. And that I’m single. I’m sure now (logically) you’re probably assuming that a typical night in my apartment looks a little something like this:

For your information, I actually don’t currently own any cats, Nor do I own a recliner. But show me someone who doesn’t enjoy vanilla frosting and Goldie Hawn portraying a deranged shut in with a death wish for Meryl Streep, and I’ll show you a liar.

Now, why am I going on this cat tangent before 10 am on a Wednesday morning? GREAT question. Last weekend I was lying in bed after a night out, waiting to get sleepy, and passing the time (naturally) by cruising Okcupid on my phone. I’ve recently discovered the app’s semi-new location feature, which is basically Tinder. In other words, Okc finds your location and shows you the profile pics of other dudes who are close by. Pics only. And you either say nope, not interested, and trash their pic, or say yes, I’m into that. When you pick someone, Okc will then let you know if that person, while scrolling through their local matches, picks you as well. This is a pretty senseless concept as I’m pretty sure most people on Okc aren’t even using the feature, and mama needs more than a pic to decide if I want to go out with someone.

Having said that, scrolling through these pics and tossing them into the yay or nay column has become one of my favorite ‘bored and playing with my phone’ pastimes. Take this night in question, for instance, when literally in the span of four minutes I happened upon three amazing/terrifying/creepy profile pics featuring men and CATS. Please note the time on each screen cap; when I say one right after the other I’m not joking. And please. Enjoy.

Creepy Cat Profile Pic #1:

cat1

Well that is… a face that not even a cat lover, and dare I say not even a mother could love. Terrifying. Also made me immediately think of this wildly racist, infinitely creepy little jaunt from a seminal Disney classic that yes, I’ve already referenced on the blog:

I was going to get all high and mighty about the cats being the villains in every movie but actually, looking at that creature perched on Beardsy McHipster, I totally believe that it’s an evil killing machine. Like, I’m assuming our man friend took it into the bathroom because he’s afraid if he leaves it alone it will figure out a way to kill him? And you know how I feel about bathroom selfies… a bathroom selfie with a terrifying animal perched on one’s shoulders is some next level shit.

Creepy Cat Profile Pic #2:

cat2

Ha. This one actually cracks me up. That kitty is adorable and I’m pretttyyyy sure this gentleman is driving. So wait, actually I’m a little alarmed… and come to think of it, he’s smiling for the camera, not looking at the road. That can’t be safe. Also, who’s taking the picture? Why is the cat out of a carrier and just like, straight chillin’ in the car? Where are you guys going? You’re not one of those creepy people who walks his cat on a leash, are you? Because even I’m scared of that.

cat leash

Creepy Cat Pic #3:

cat3

If this find doesn’t call for a mic drop, I don’t know what does.

beyonce drops-mic-o

Boom.

Pic of the week: I won’t murder you

Hey, guys. I know most of you come to our site generally looking for a quick laugh, and we love (attempting to) deliver that to you. But as you may have noticed, the subject matter here at Stucu has turned a biiiit serious at times. Between L’s Message Monday and my uppity Match.com manifesto, we’re quickly gunning for the ‘co-bloggers who are most likely to hop on the nearest soap box at a moment’s notice” award. So if  LSD are coming off as weirdly morbid, super serious buzzkills these days, I apologize. In reality I promise you we are actually a LOT of fun and not as Debbie Downer in training as we’re probably coming off.

debbie downer

So thanks for sticking with us, even when our posts are accompanied by that magical WOMP WOMP noise. I promise you, more fun, light-hearted dating high jinx than can be found in your run of the mill Kate Hudson romcom will be posted in the near future. Having said that…

pic of the week knife

I’m sorry. Clearly I’m supposed to take this as a joke, but how about you don’t voluntarily put a picture of you wielding a knife on your online dating profile when the Craigslist Killer was an ACTUAL PERSON and expect me to be charmed by it, faceless dude? I’m sure you probably chuckled when you posted this, pleased at the irony, thinking girls would find you hilarious. And maybe some do. But here’s a fact:

THE OFFICE DWIGHT BEST

Most young women I know who are online dating are legitimately afraid of being assaulted, raped, or murdered. Is this fear probably exaggerated by too many episodes of SVU and Criminal Minds? Sure. Is this guy probably a totally normal non-murderer? Yup. But does him playing on this very real fear of mine in the name of irony and humor make me want to go out with him? Not so much. 

I hear all you dudes out there telling me to lighten up. Well, you don’t see me posting a profile pic that features me suggestively wielding a pair of sharpened gardening sheers over some dude’s crotch with a caption that reads “HAHA JUST BEING FUNNY TOTES WON’T GO ALL LORENA BOBBITT AND LOP OFF YOUR DICK WITH THIS SHARP WEAPON LULZZZZ”. Would the men of Okcupid find that funny, or would they think I’m a psycho? Pretttyyyy sure it would be the latter.

Okay, this is actually a fun game. Let’s think of some other things that men typically fear about dating. How about I post a picture of myself jabbing a few holes in a condom with one hand and flashing a positive pregnancy test with the other. Maybe I’ll be giving a thumbs up to the camera. Then in the caption I’ll say, “IT’S JUST A JOKE, GUYS! RELAX. AND DEFINITELY ASK ME OUT BECAUSE I TOTALLY WON’T DO THIS IN REAL LIFE 🙂 :).”

Last scenario: Hold up a fake restraining order that prevents me from being within 100 feet of a man, while simultaneously watching Fatal Attraction and taking notes.

fatal-attraction_l

Caption: “DON’T WORRY, BOYS. I’M TOTALLY NORMAL! TONS OF MENTAL STABILITY! 😉 😉 ;)”

search terms – saggy breasts

Like S, my prospects are pretty dim at the moment. Even with the addition of Match. Which is a total mystery to me, because who wouldn’t want to be with a girl who wakes up in the morning screaming about flying turtles taking up residence in her humble little studio apartment? That girl sounds like a total catch. Not a traumatized lunatic at all. But I digress. Since I’ve got time on my hands, and we’re a little narcissistic over in these parts, I’ve been hanging out on our stats page a lot lately. One thing I’ve noticed is that this Pic of the Week post is viewed pretty regularly, well after it was posted. Not quite daily, but definitely more than once a week. I do happen to think it’s one of my funnier posts, but sadly, that’s not the reason it gets as much traffic as it does. The real reason can be found in the Search Engine Terms section of our stats page:

screenshot of stats page

S alluded to the entertainment value that is found there, amongst the search terms. There are some really unique gems in that history. You know what else can be found in that all time summary? Four of the top ten search terms sending people on over here, and a total of 57 different search terms, revolve around saggy breasts. I compiled all such searches into this handy little chart:

saggy breasts stats

(I don’t really know what to say about the fact that I spent an inordinate (read: alarming/disturbing/sad) amount of time tediously perfectly lining up each entry when pasting them all together so the border lines on each side matched up exactly. Other than thanks for the OCD MOM.)

Let me tell you, I didn’t really know what to expect when we started this blog. I don’t think I ever really considered google search terms. But I certainly did not expect the perkiness (or lack thereof) of women’s chests to play a role in bringing in readers. It is equal parts hilarious and terrifying how many searches focus on saggy breasts. It’s also a little astonishing how many different iterations there are of “saggy breasts pictures.” Most have just been used once, but there are a handful that are repeat offenders. Nineteen times people (or just one person over and over again) have searched “saggy breasts pics” and clicked on over to us. I just sat silently shaking my head for 2 minutes after typing that sentence.

A few of my favorites:

delicious breast molesting

“Delicious breast molesting.” As if there’s any other kind of breast molesting.

where can I date a woman withsaggy breasts

There are a lot of very specific dating sites out there (seriously – take a moment and peruse that list). Maybe this is an untapped market? Should I shelve this whole lawyering thing and start a new dating website? God knows my ambition to become a public defender isn’t going to make me rich. Are saggy breasts the key to financial success in my life?

saggy breasts blog

Not really the description that I was hoping people would use for our blog.

extremely sagging breasts pics

Because a normal amount of sagging just won’t do. No one wants to see that. Extreme sagging is where it’s at. You heard it here first, folks!

the most saggy breast in the world

who has the saggiest breast in the world

Both of these searches are oddly singular. They’re just looking for 1 saggy breast? Not a matched pair? Is this a niche fetish? I should probably create a group on the new dating site that caters to these folks.

s

Are saggy breasts my legacy?