Message Monday – Beer and Snuggling

I’m not even sure why I engaged this guy, considering he messaged me “Hey there want to chat?” which is not a message I’m normally willing to respond to. The only way to put less effort into a message is to just write “Hey.” I will not apologize for wanting guys to put in at least a little effort. But I was bored, and very recently dumped. Recent meaning an hour prior. And his profile didn’t have any red-flags, other than this:

you should message me if

I’ve talked before about how that’s a red flag for me. But, in the interest of patching together my recently dumped, wounded self-esteem, and because he seemed fairly normal, I responded.

Snuggle dude

I couldn’t, you guys. I just couldn’t. That suggestion made me want to crawl out of my skin. And not just because of the Woodpecker

This interaction isn’t actually that interesting or funny or generally blog worthy. He was just a guy with poor messaging skills and an affinity for using smiley faces. But the shame spiral that this message contributed to did seem blog worthy. A shame spiral that prompted me to question whether or not I need to see a therapist about this aversion to physical contact of mine. I mean, I’m still horrified by how seemingly mainstream hugging strangers appears to be. But between this message and the fact that, while home in NY for a christening recently, my friend apologized for giving me a hug when I was saying goodbye, I started to panic that there’s something seriously the matter with me. I don’t actually hate hugging the people that I care about, but they seem to think that I do. Which makes me feel like an asshole. Hugging certainly isn’t my first instinct, but sometimes a hug from a loved one is nice. I’ve come to terms with the fact that hugging is something people do when they care about each other. I even occasionally will be the one to initiate a hug! Do you like how I just said that as if it’s something to be super proud of? Like “look at me, on rare occasions I hug the people I love! And I don’t even hate it! God, I’m such a warm, loving person!” 

It occurred to me that I should probably also come to terms with the fact that snuggling/cuddling is something people who are in a romantic relationship tend to engage in.

Typing that sentence made my physically shudder, so clearly I haven’t gotten very far in my journey of acceptance. What if I never come around to it? Who wants to date someone who doles out hugs once every blue moon and is repulsed by the idea of snuggling? 

Oh God, I’m going to die alone.

fuck it i'm inadequate what can you do (wheninlawschool)

Source: #wheninlawschool

Quite possibly the most accurate tagline for my romantic endeavors to date…

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Encounters with “nice guys” on OK Cupid

In early 2013, when I was contemplating joining the online dating world, my friend C sent me a link one day to a Tumblr called “NiceGuysofOKCupid.” The point of the site, explained in more detail in this great Daily Mail article, was to call out guys on OKC who spent time on their profile pontificating about being “Nice Guys,” but whose pictures, answers to questions, and profile summaries revealed them to be anything but. 

For example, let’s take this clown:

nice guys okc example

Photo credit: Daily Mail.

Hello young gentleman! You sound like such a wonderful person. Tell me more about the situations in which a woman HAS to have sex with you. Or actually, don’t tell me anything. I’m just looking for attention anyway, so I could care less what you have to say. EW.

Major shout out to the good woman who started the original blog!! You are one of my blogging heros, right along with Meg Rowland and Deb Perlman! This post is 100% inspired by you. #girlcrushes

Anyway, after a few months on OKC, I have had the pleasure of being messaged by some “nice guys” myself.

Forget their answers to questions; these guys were clearly trying to win me over with their profiles alone.

Bachelor #1:

another profile pic of a great guy

Sir, what intelligent questions you ask! Let me see if I can answer them.

1. Not only am I stuck on myself, I am stuck on the fact that you should be using “women” to refer to multiple females. Not woman. It would serve you to be stuck on a dictionary.

2. Who is Scorn 4 life? Is he a rapper?

3. Well, I don’t know what I “want on need” since I’ve never heard that delightful turn of phrase before. I certainly have no idea what I want or need. I need you to tell me and guide me. Please.

4. Well, most of us “good-hearted” women are off looking for jerks. You seem like way too nice a guy for me to be attracted to you.

5. This is actually a great question. I call myself Independent (with a capital I), but yet, I enjoy a good group bathroom trip. I am having a moment of existential crisis!!! AM I truly independent? I needed to take a break here, and consult the 2008 Webbie hit, “Independent,” featuring Little Boosie and Little Phat:

Phew–thank god. Webbie says nothing about the bathroom. I cook, I clean,never smell like onion rings. CHECK. I’m INDEPENDENT.

6. I never said I hated games. I love Scattegories. I love Taboo. I love kickball. BRING ON THE GAMES.

7. What does it take for me to open up? Just a nice guy messaging me on OKC. Like you. 

8, 9, 10. Geez, I am getting so tired of these questions. I feel interrogated, and not in a good way. I have a sinking feeling this is a preview of what it’s like to go out with you.

Bachelor #1, I am going to have to take a pass at responding to your message. Just chalk it up to trust issues. It’s clearly not you, it’s me.

Bachelor #2

Bachelor #2 actually sent me a pretty witty message. I was contemplating writing back, so I visited his profile to see what we had in common. Here’s what I found:

profile shot of great guy 1

Well, right off the bat, I can see we have a lot in common. I too find online dating frustrating, I also love women, and I guess I am using the interwebs to find a companion. Sure, I would have saved these sweet nothings to whisper into someone’s ear on a first date, but oh well. BUT OH NO. WOE IS ME. Bachelor #2 is leaving OKC on Sunday. Way to light a fire under all of us women who are dying to get in touch with you for some drama and games (oh wait, sorry, that was bachelor #1). Now, why has our dear friend Bach #2 not found anything of interest? DON’T WORRY, he’s going to tell us:

profile shot of great guy 2

While a lot of this is baseline truth (though I prefer minigolf/more drinking to the art museum), I am not sure why this guy has described to other OKC users, who are very well aware of how this shiz goes, on his profile.

profile shot of great guy 3 

If this guy finds the process so unsuccessful, then why is he still on OKC? Looking for dates? I am so confused. Is he hoping for some woman to break the cycle? Also, from the above description, it sounds like this guy is largely responsible for the failure of his relationships. Does he really want to advertise that on here? Is he expecting a woman to read this and think, “He nailed it! This is exactly what I want!” (Minus the Bahamas. I would take a trip to the Bahamas even if was with Mr. Sarcastic McMiserable over here.)

But I lost my chance to do that, since I never responded to this winner. Now excuse me readers, I am off to figure out what I “want on need.”

Pic of the week: Face or Butt?

When I was browsing my profile visitors the other day, this little ditty caught my eye:

pic of the week 3-6-2013

Sorry you had to see this friends! And very sorry, any friends who opened this at work or near children.

First, let’s talk about what’s on everyone’s mind. What is this image? Is it a head? Is it a chin? Is it a butt?

This reminds me of those tricky pictures people used to show you in junior high school art class to make the point “people see different things in images?” Remember this one? I always saw the old lady first, which, according to Ms. Fleming, meant that I was “closer to the end of life,” then the people who saw the pretty young girl. 

Let’s talk about what you could see:

It’s a face: The lips are at the top of the photo, and the T-shirt and neck are at the bottom. The star of the photo is the chin. This gentleman wanted to attract the ladies by showing off that he’s too busy to shave, and prefers to maintain a facial hair situation that involves, for lack of a better description,  “a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that.” And, that he’s no spring chicken, and already proudly going gray. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But this guy’s no Danny Ocean.

It’s a butt: This is what I thought initially. There is a defined crack. And there are two cheeks. And that hair is very coarse, and curly, and looks like no one has groomed it in awhile. Clearly, the good people at OKC do not think it’s a butt, or they’d remove the image. But it’s possible that two OKC site administrators sat in their office and experienced the same confusion:

OKC site administrator 1: Hey, should we take down this image? It looks like a butt!

OKC site administrator 2: No, it’s somebody’s chin, can’t see you the lips, and the T-shirt?

OKC site administrator 1: I don’t know man, those lips look like a crack…

OKC site administrator 2: Oh well, let’s just leave it up.  Anyone showing this terrible judgement in profile photo selection doesn’t deserve to get messages anyway…

Bottom line is:  butts that look like heads and heads that look like butts should NOT be featured on an online dating site. Or really, anywhere, except a comedic bit from Cool Runnings.

And, the final mystery: Who took this picture, and how? Was it a friend who put an Iphone camera in his buddy’s mouth? Is this a self-shot GONE WRONG? Is this photo shoot a dirty little relic from a photographer/dirty model role play that resulted in some naked booty shots?

Stayed tuned folks, we’re going to give Detectives Stabler and Benson a break from investigating homicides and get them on the case!

Profile Red Flags

I’ve viewed quite a lot of profiles during this online dating journey. And I’ll likely view a lot more before this journey is over. Some profiles are great – they provide some substantive info while also being funny and/or a little self-deprecating. Most fall somewhere between good and mediocre (mine included). Filling out a profile about yourself is awkward and not really that easy, so I’m not super picky about how expertly you distilled yourself into okcupid’s 8 or 9 “essays”.  And besides, I’m not on here to go around judging everyone (obviously I make some judgments), I’m on here to meet people. Awesome profile doesn’t always translate into awesome person anyway. That said, I have come across some things that made me move on immediately, before I’d even read through the whole profile.  Below is a sampling:

1) A professed love of cuddling. I’ve seen this a lot. I like cuddling a normal amount. And it would be nice if my future guy enjoyed it as well. But when a guy goes so far as to publicly declare cuddling as one of his favorite things to do or something that he’s good at, I become wary. It’s a weird thing to put in a profile. Either he’s saying it because he thinks it’s what women want to hear, or he really does LOVE cuddling. The reason the former is a red flag is obvious. The latter is a red flag because I do not like a ton of physical contact (like texting, I prefer this in moderation). And it’s cool if he does, it’s pretty much the only thing on this list that doesn’t make me think any less of him. I’m instantly more attracted to a man wearing Carhartt – everyone has their thing. But for someone who doesn’t really like to be touched all that much (I guess maybe I actually don’t like cuddling a normal amount?), I wouldn’t mesh well with someone who loves to cuddle.

2) Repeated mentions of a stuffed animal rodent that you named after a destructive piece of machinery and regularly “converse” with. There is a 98% chance that you sir are, or will one day become, a serial killer. My desire not to be your first victim is what prompted me to describe your overly philosophical “best friend” in vague terms here, because I’m afraid that if I were to state his name and species you would somehow find me and it would end very, very badly.  Probably with the use of your little buddy’s namesake.

3) Listing “copious lubrication” as 1 of the 6 things you can’t live without. I can’t even explain how uncomfortable reading that made me (though if you know me, you probably can imagine).

4) Starting a profile with a 12 paragraph poem about love. This does not make you seem smart or artistic or sensitive or whatever it is that you were going for. Unless what you were going for was Pretentious Asshole, in which case you nailed it.

5) Responding positively to the question “Would you role play a rape fantasy if your partner asked?” I feel no need to expand further on this, other than to say that I am disgusted that this is even a question, and horrified that guys answer “yes” far more frequently than I thought they would.

6) Mentioning that you’re married and looking for friends, and might be interested in sex, but I would have to meet your wife first. Either you’re in an open relationship, or you’re looking for a threesome. Whatever floats your boat dude, what you do behind closed doors is your business. But that’s not my cup of tea, so I’m going to move along.

7) Advertising your side-job as a male-prostitute, and that “Girls usually describe me as the cute guy next door. My big dick is usually a total surprise.” I’m not really sure what the correlation between those 2 things is, is that combination a rare phenomenon? (Don’t answer that). I am sure that you’re blocked from ever contacting me.

8) Using emoticons. One smiley face might be ok. But mostly, using any emoticon, especially winky faces or the one where you’re sticking your tongue out, just leads me to believe you’re a 13 year old girl.

9) Stating that you like to hang out at the mall. I’m sorry, What?  This is not Fast Times at Ridgemont High or Mallrats. It’s time to grow up. Since you seem to be stuck in high school, here’s an SAT themed hint: malls :: teenagers as bars :: adults. Try it!

10) A profile that is blank, except for 1 photo of you. This isn’t actually so much a red flag. It’s just totally useless to me.

Dating seems even more daunting when faced with the reality that these people are what’s out there…

-D

P.S. Speaking of Mallrats, here’s a little Fun Fact about me: whilst at a video store (so oldschool!) with my boyfriend senior year of high school, he insisted we rent Mallrats because it was his favorite movie and he thought I should give it another chance. As I hated Mallrats, I insisted we also rent Cinderella 2: Dreams Come True, which had just been released straight to video. He good-naturedly agreed, and then I fell asleep while we were watching my selection because I didn’t actually care about it. I think this anecdote sums both of us up perfectly: he was a good boyfriend, I was am an antagonistic lunatic. Crazy that I’m still single right?