She’ll haunt your fantasies and she’ll steal your dreams.
She’ll steal from the rich and give to the poor.
You’ll never see her coming, yet she will always be in your sight.
It’s everybody’s favorite online dating alter ego…
Tacosdelish
Now that I’ve introduced “Tacos” (as we affectionately call her) with the pomp and circumstance she deserves, I guarantee she’ll replace this little tyke as an icon of national togetherness and joy:
Lolz, Just kidding! Sorry North West (and PS, we know its not even you). I meant this guy:
Let me back up a little. Why have an online dating alter ego? I am sure ANYONE who has ever online dated can answer this question. It’s so you can stalk: your dates, potential dates, guys who message you, guys who DON’T message you, coworkers, people you know who are in relationships, yet looking; without notice and without compromising the integrity of your regular profile. Sure, you could pay extra on OKC for a feature that lets you browse anonymously, but why do that when you could just create another free profile?
Tacosdelish was actually born several years ago, and her name was a joint collaboration between me and my ex-boyfriend. We created the profile so we could stalk our friends who were on OKC. We didn’t intend to use the profile to actually get dates, so we decided to make Tacos as absurd and unattractive as possible, just to entertain ourselves. According to OKC, she looks like this:
I tried posting a picture of Gru from Despicable Me up there, but we were immediately disciplined by Chris Coyne. So the heart will have to do.
Anyway, since you can’t see Tacos, you’ll have to take her word for what she looks like. According to her profile:
But, looks aren’t everything, as many good fellows of OKC like to remind us. Perhaps Tacos Delish is rich and successful:
Not only does Tacos lack a job and income, but she also barely speaks English. Which begs one to wonder, how did she fill out a profile? Thank god she speaks Chechen and Basque though!! Such common languages.
However, several men in DC have expressed interest in having a chat with Tacos over drinks or dinner, which suggests one or more of the following:
1) They didn’t carefully read the profile.
2) They actually speak Basque or Chechen, and mysteriously ended up in DC.
3) Sharing a common spoken language is not a prerequisite for adate.
Now, in spite, of her poor command of the Queen’s vernacular, Tacos has managed to pull together quite an appealing profile. Take a look:
I have to say, I am most proud of how Tacos spends her typical Friday night. And it’s only partially true! (I’ll leave it to your imagination to figure out which parts.) Interestingly, many guys are quite turned on by the farting. Behold a sample message I received:
Gotta give this guy points for creativity. If Tacos was real, she would have gone out with him and had a farting contest.
Other men take the name quite literally:
Boy, puh-lease! Tacos is clutching her pearls right now. Why?
Because baby girl is a shallow virgin.
On the other hand, she is a virgin with a lot of sexual fantasies:
And she’s incredibly rude.
But what I find most offensive about Tacos is that she’s a Republican:
To sum up this post:
I have an online dating alter ego.
I think she’s really hilarious.
She makes absolutely no sense.
She gets a ton of messages. Some from really cute guys. TRUTH!
It’s a crazy world out there on the internet, folks. And, I promise, you haven’t seen the last of Tacos. Not any more than you’ve seen the last of Carlos Danger.
People often ask why I use internet dating, instead of trying to meet guys in bars.
The thing is, I’ve never been the kind of girl who gets hit on in bars. I’d like to HOPE this does not directly correlate to my looks, though I’m sure my big, dark, under-eye circles aren’t helping, haha. I mean, when I am at bars, I am usually with my friends, and not focused on finding guys. Also, I’m super awkward and insecure with strangers. When people do try to hit on me, I am usually so surprised/terrified that I just run away. For example, I was out with my friend J recently, and a gentleman came up to us. Here is how the conversation went:
Guy: “Hi ladies, what are your names?”
Me: “The tab is under XXXX (my last name).”
Guy: “Huh?”
Me: “I said, XXXX.”
Guy: “I’m D, how’s it going?”
Me: “Just leave the tab open, we’re not ready to cash out.”
Guy: “I don’t work here.”
Me: “Oh god, sorry. I have to go to the bathroom.”
#winning
Also, the clientele in bars is not exactly AMAZING. I was out at a bar a few nights ago, when a young intern approached me:
Intern: “That looks like a cool drink. What is it?”
Me: “Um, a Jack and Ginger ale.”
Intern: “Cool. So what’s in it?”
Me: “Jack Daniels and Ginger ale.”
Intern: “Wow! Awesome!”
Me: “Yup.”
And then I walked away to find my friends. Cuz the pickup line was lame, and because the intern was still literally in college.
So, that’s why I stick to the simple internet, guy messages girl, girl messages guy thing. But I’m relatively open to new ideas, so when my friendtee (that’s friend + mentee, which means a friend that is younger and cooler than you, and you want to create a name that you call her that isn’t “daughter”), G, suggested I accompany her on a Grouper, I was game. What’s that, Dad? What’s a grouper? Isn’t that a fish? It IS a fish. But it’s also a dating service. It works like this:
Girl signs up. Guy signs up. Grouper uses facebook to match them. It’s completely blind; neither person has ANY information about the other. Once they are matched, Grouper sets up a date and asks the girl to bring two friends and the guy to bring two friends. So it’s a 3 on 3 blind date. Each person pays $20, which covers the first round of drinks, and the fact that Grouper does all the coordinating for you. You go to the assigned location at the assigned time and, Voila! Now, go to Grouper’s website and read their much sexier description of the whole thing.
When you’re on the site, you’ll also notice instagrams of lots of attractive, happy people having a blast together. Those are called GROUPERGRAMS. You are supposed to take pics of your amazing date and send them to Grouper. Now, are these pictures accurate and indicative of the Grouper experience? Doubtful.
1. They haven’t changed the pics in the two months I’ve been trolling the site.
2. We all know instragram filters are designed to make everyone look WAYYYY better than they do in real life.
3. I bet Challen, Grouper’s very famous Director of Member Experience, handpicks the GROUPERGRAMS to feature the most attractive people, who probably live in NYC, not DC.
4. About 50% of these photos feature a Trojan horse, a warrior’s helmet, and roman statues. Does everyone end up at an after hours venue with Jordan Murphy?
I swear, Jordan! There is some straight up Tool Academy behavior up in these Groupergrams! For realz!
Before my Grouper, I did some field research of others who had been on Grouper. The first person I asked was my sister (she’s six years my junior, btw, but I can’t call her a friendtee cause we’re related). She was like, “Oh yeah, L, my friends from high school went on a Grouper recently. They said it was ok. The guys were doing Ecstasy the whole time.” WELP. THAT’S THAT I SUPPOSE.I have no words. So, I headed into the Grouper with low expectations, hoping that we wouldn’t have to call the DEA on our dates.
The day before the Grouper, I received an email from, Challen. In addition to providing the time and location details, it contained the following warning about cancellation:
What if I need to cancel?
Well, your Grouper is tomorrow, so it’s a little late for that 🙂 We know that everyone has a lot going on, but you’re committed now and 3 other people moved around their schedules for you guys. First, call around and see if you can grab a friend to take your place. If for some (epic) reason canceling is absolutely unavoidable, you’ll need to CALL the other group to explain yourself. Call us first at646.699.3466, and we’ll put you in touch with the guys to cancel. And because we’ll need to make it up to the other group, we still have to charge you for your Grouper and won’t be able to roll it over to a future reservation. We’ll even have to consider canceling your membership. Also, as you know, a Grouper is 3 guys and 3 girls, so showing up with only 2 people isn’t acceptable. So, just show up on time, the 3 of you, and we’re all good 🙂
Yikes! Challen, cool your jets. This makes a Grouper sound more difficult to get out of than a marriage. I mean, I put down 20 whopping dollars for this thing, and I am cheap as f#$^, so I am going to show up, ok? You don’t need to add an extra element of terror to an already nerve-wracking situation. And also, don’t try to lighten the mood with a smiley emoticon. You know I hate those. It’s nice to know that everyone’s going into this thing with a proverbial gun to their head.
So the day of the Grouper, me, G, and N (My other friend slash co-worker) get to work and we’re all like:
Until, N decides to share some interesting news with us.
N: “So, you guys, I was talking to my cousin last night. And he mentioned he was going on a Grouper too…”
L and G: “And…”
N: “Well it’s at the same place we’re going. Slightly different time, but still…”
So, this meant one of two things. Either, we were literally going to be on a date with N’s cousin OR N’s cousin was going to be watching us HAVE a date. We were really hoping for the latter over the former. For N’s sake, of course.
When we got to the bar after a little healthy pregaming, we were relieved. The bartender lead us to a table with three very nice, normal looking guys, who didn’t appear to be rolling or be related to any of us. WHEW. And we ended up having multiple drinks, and a pretty darn good time. Why?
1. We were very well matched. The guys were around our age bracket (younger than me, but older than G) and very nice, funny, and down to earth. From the GROUPERGRAM photos, we were pretty sure we were going to get some bros, but these guys reminded me of people I’d be friends with. We all had similar senses of humor and interests. Nice work Challen! ;), right back atcha.
2. Having more people around really does take the edge off. I think both sides were much more relaxed than if this were a regular, one on one date. I really enjoy G and N, so I was pretty confident I’d have a good time even if the guys were lame. And it seemed like the guys really enjoyed each other too. And there was so much less potential for awkward silences, because there were so many people to make conversation. It was also the first time I truly understand what being a wingwoman meant, because you could set up your friends to make jokes, tell funny stories, etc. Basically, I think it made everyone TWICE as charming as usual.
3. It was so much better than any of us expected. Yes, one on one dates are unnerving. But there is a lot more to be scared of on group dates. I.e., What if my friends hit it off with the guys and I don’t? Or, what if I hear the guys referring to me as “the ugly one?”, or What if we all hate each other? And, just the fact that we had such a decent time after such low expectations made the whole thing a lot better. I could see relief on everyone’s faces, including the guys. And I think that relief made the date more fun.
So, what’s the drawback to Grouper?
I mean, I would call it more of a “meeting new friends” thing, than a date. While it’s much more natural in terms of the way you’d meet people and make conversation, it’s very hard to tell if anyone likes anyone, and very hard to, like, “pick out,” the guy you’d most like to date. I think this was particularly hard for our group, because we were all nice, inclusive people. If I saw that no one was talking to someone, I invited them to join the conversation I was having. I kept an eye on G and N to make sure they were enjoying themselves. And they did the sme for me. There just wasn’t a ton of energy left to focus on getting to know one person in particular. And the end of the date was pretty awkward. I mean, ending solo dates is hard enough, and we were multiplying goodbyes times three. So, all of us just exchanged numbers with the person we were standing closest too, and claimed that maybe we’d all get together again for drinks. The truth is, I’d definitely get together again with them, but I am not sure how I’d set it up. And G and N feel the same way. So we’d love your advice, readers.
Dating rating: 8/10. Seriously. It was really fun. I laughed a lot, and I met cool new people. And honestly, it restored my faith that there are cute, fun, single guys out there.
So remember my fear of nuclear war, readers? (Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to–I am not THAT big of a narcissist–that’s why I back linked my post.) Want to know what scares me as much, if not more, than nuclear war?
Guns.
I hate them. I think they are mean, cruel, killing, machines. I don’t even want to spend time debating with you about the second amendment. I don’t want to hear all about your great family hunting hobby that resulted in everyone killing their own food and eating sustainably. My closest real life experience with a gun was about four years ago, when I had to confiscate a .38 special and some stray bullets from one of my fourth graders. #truestory #noIdidnotteachinBaltimore. So if you’re a gun lover, we’re going to have to agree to disagree here. Cause I also hate conflict.
Oh what’s that you say? Stop ranting about your political views? This is a dating blog, and we’re all here to hear a story along the lines of “hideous adventures on the internet and why you’re still single.” OK OK, message received. Well, one of the reasons I am still single is because this is who is reaching out to me:
1. Somewhere after line 2, this guy figured it wasn’t worth it to check his spelling and punctuation. And momma hates that, too.
2. While we’re on my list of fears/hates, let’s talk about emoticons. They probably come right after nuclear war and right before conflict. Emoticons are lazy. If there is an emotion you’d like to convey in writing, why not use these little things we call words?!?! No self respecting human who puts anything in print uses emoticons (*except for gchats and texts.). Otherwise 50 Shades of Grey could have been written like this:
: } 😉 :@ *) 8)
Instead of wasting his time on As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner could have just typed:
XP XP XP….
Do you get my point?
Plus, directly translated, the emoticons in the above message don’t make any sense. According to the internet, this guy is sticking his tongue out at me and then winking. Huh?
3. UH OH! The proposed activities: Stroll through the park or a visit to the gun range? How did this guy come up with these date ideas, one which sounds completely horrible to me? Did anyone just see what happened to Ken Cosgrove a few weeks ago on “Mad Men?” In case you didn’t:
In case you didn’t get my subtle reference, let me hit you on the head with it. He was shot in the EYE. With a GUN.
Now, to this guy’s credit, there is no way he could have known I feared guns as much as I did. Indeed, we’re an 83% match on OKC, which tells me I probably need to update my questions soon (You were right, R!). But, did he have to suggest it right off the bat? Can’t he suggest something a little more benign to do, like drinks? Or even dinner? Or SKYDIVING, for goodness sakes? But, alas, a visit to this gent’s profile reveals his passion for guns is too strong to suppress, even in an OKC message.
So let’s see. This guy loves his dog, and his phone, and then oh wait–his computer/guns. Which he felt compelled to list before family and friends. What is a computer/guns BTW? Is there a situation where these two things fall into the same category?
The gun theme permeates throughout the profile:
YIKES. First of all, the root word “kill” appears not once, but twice here under the category “I’m really good at.” Apparently, when this stunner is not making steak and pasta, he’s doing something gun related. Hopefully, when he goes to court, he’s going as a witness, and not as a defendant who accidentally killed someone with his gun.
Plus, the emoticons are back. Sigh.
I guess it’s back to my couch for a nice date night with Cheez its and streaming these gems on Netflix:
Who said romance was dead? Certainly not this guy, who messaged me last week:
Now here’s the thing. I don’t mind his frankness. In fact, I like that Romeo gets straight to the point. As I’ve said before, I absolutely HATE a lot of back and forth, and appreciate when a dude takes a little initiative and suggests a time (I believe he generously provides not ONE but TWO possible days for us to hang out) and a place (his hotel).
Now, clearly, I did not respond to this. First of all, this guy’s approach is the exact same MO used by the Craigslist killer. Exact same. I mean, if this guy is, in fact, a killer, he should probably change it up a bit, because there are about 50 Wikipedia and news articles linking him to Phillip Markoff.
But, secondly,and even more offensively, this guy is a union buster. A scab. A strikebreaker. Sir, I have no problem if you want to top off your business trip with a lil somethin’ somethin’. Better men than you have done the same thing:
But, be a good American, and pay for your services. A google search of “escorts DC” (Hi there, NSA!) reveals that there are several lovely websites, clubs, and phone numbers you can call to get someone to come to your hotel for “some fun.” I am not about to undercut working girls by giving out the same goods for free. So buddy, I urge you to call “Appealing Act,”* and leave the good ladies of OKC to hang out with guys who will at least buy us a drink before asking us to give it up. And readers, I leave you with this glorious nod to organized labor. Long live unions!
*Please know, that during the researching of this post, I accidently added Appealing Act’s Google Plus page to my “family” circle, and had to spend the last 30 minutes figuring out how to remove them. #winningattheinternet
Pop quiz: Why has L been so neglectful about posting on the blog?
A. I was temporarily kidnapped by a date, and held captive until yesterday. Hold on to your seats readers, this post is gonna be a doozy!
B. I am seriously dating someone I met online, and we’ve been so busy going on romantic getaways and sexy staycations that I haven’t had time to post.
C. I have been buried under a giant, fat, un-glamorous mountain of work.
I didn’t make this a real poll, because I knew most of you would pick C, which is OF COURSE, the correct answer, and it would further depress me that even strangers from the internet can tell what a sad little life I lead.
WHOMP. WHOMP. I know, I know. Who invited Debbie Downer? (Um…Tina, and Amy, and Kristin, that’s who!)
Anyway…I have carved out a little time in the past month for some dates. I decided to join JDate recently, fantasizing that it would be full of smart, nerdy-cute, doting men who were lining up to go out with me. I’ll be writing a longer review after a more legitimate time period on the site, but in case you are just dying for a preview, here it is:
IF JEWS THOUGHT THAT THE DESERT WE ALLEGEDLY WANDERED IN FOR 40 YEARS WAS THE MOST BARREN WASTELAND WE’D EVER ENCOUNTER, THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVEN’T BEEN ON JDATE FOR 3 WEEKS.
I suppose there is still time to turn it around, but in the meanwhile, I’ve only been out with one guy from the site. N, a high school teacher in his late thirties with a short stature and an adorable face. He sent me a nice, to the point message, and 1-2 messages later, asked me out for drinks. We agreed to meet at an Irish Pub known for its whiskey selection. I wasn’t really sure what to expect–his profile was pretty bare bones, and except for his job and the fact that he had nieces, I remembered very little about him by the time we met at the bar. I actually prefer not to scour people’s profiles too closely (beyond, of course, a diligent read of OKC dealbreaker questions), because I enjoy finding out about them on the date.
N did not subscribe to this philosophy. He spent a good deal of the date QUOTING MY JDATE PROFILE back to me. For example:
“Remember when you said you loved the shore, but other people call it the beach?”
There are more examples, but I fear I will literally GIVE MY IDENTITY AWAY, if I include all the details this guy remembered. Now, before you all pile on (COUGHReddit), and say, “OMG how can she be criticizing this guy for reading her profile and referencing things she’s interested in, he’s just being thoughtful, I know why she is single, what a man-eater, blah blah blah,” please remember that I was not weirded out that he remembered my profile. I was weirded out that, throughout the date, he quoted the entire thing VERBATIM. And when I mentioned I had a brother, he said, “I know. He is standing next you in picture 3 on your profile wearing a red jacket.” It was just a little too close to this:
Also, that was one of two things that went a bit wrong. The second was this exchange:
N: So, do you like pets?
L: Pets? Well I don’t have any, but I do really like dogs.
N: Do you like cats? I really want to know how you feel about cats!
L: Ohh, I’m really allergic to cats. (TRUTH: Not only am I really allergic to cats, but I also HATE THEM. With a passion that could take up 100 posts. But I refrained from sharing that, cause I figured the phrase, “hate with the fire of 1000 suns” should not come up till a second date, at least.)
N: Oh god. Oh no.
L: What? Is everything okay?
N: I just have two cats. And I’m not ready to give them up.
L: (Bewildered look on face). Oh, um, you don’t have to?
N: I mean, you can’t live with them AT ALL?
L: Umm…I haven’t really thought about it. (Desperately changes subject to something neutral). My best friend had a lot of cats growing up. They lived in her basement.
N: Oh.
L: So, how many years do you think your cats have left?
Now, to N’s credit, my last line was probably the most epic fail of the conversation. Who asks someone else about when their BELOVED pets are going to die? What were you thinking, L?
But, the bottom line was, this guy was thinking way too seriously for me. I mean, if I was in committed relationship with someone, and we were thinking about moving in together, then we should definitely have this conversation. But, I just met this guy. And even though we were having a good time (once you get past the whole “profile quoting/possible stalker” thing and the “asking about the possible death of someone important to you” thing), there was no need to consider giving up our pets.
After the date, we said polite goodbyes and N asked if I wanted to get together again. I said, “Um…maybe? You can give me a call?”
Maybe it was my tepid response, or the fact that he was not ready to get rid of the cats (or let me get rid of them for him), or just that we didn’t click. But I didn’t hear from N again. I wish him the best, and hope that he has found a cat loving woman who enjoys a man whispering sweet nothings that she originally wrote on her JDate profile into her ear.
Date rating: 7/10. 5 points alone for plying me with Jameson all night.
In early 2013, when I was contemplating joining the online dating world, my friend C sent me a link one day to a Tumblr called “NiceGuysofOKCupid.” The point of the site, explained in more detail in thisgreat Daily Mail article, was to call out guys on OKC who spent time on their profile pontificating about being “Nice Guys,” but whose pictures, answers to questions, and profile summaries revealed them to be anything but.
For example, let’s take this clown:
Photo credit: Daily Mail.
Hello young gentleman! You sound like such a wonderful person. Tell me more about the situations in which a woman HAS to have sex with you. Or actually, don’t tell me anything. I’m just looking for attention anyway, so I could care less what you have to say. EW.
Major shout out to the good woman who started the original blog!! You are one of my blogging heros, right along with Meg Rowland and Deb Perlman! This post is 100% inspired by you. #girlcrushes
Anyway, after a few months on OKC, I have had the pleasure of being messaged by some “nice guys” myself.
Forget their answers to questions; these guys were clearly trying to win me over with their profiles alone.
Bachelor #1:
Sir, what intelligent questions you ask! Let me see if I can answer them.
1. Not only am I stuck on myself, I am stuck on the fact that you should be using “women” to refer to multiple females. Not woman. It would serve you to be stuck on a dictionary.
2. Who is Scorn 4 life? Is he a rapper?
3. Well, I don’t know what I “want on need” since I’ve never heard that delightful turn of phrase before. I certainly have no idea what I want or need. I need you to tell me and guide me. Please.
4. Well, most of us “good-hearted” women are off looking for jerks. You seem like way too nice a guy for me to be attracted to you.
5. This is actually a great question. I call myself Independent (with a capital I), but yet, I enjoy a good group bathroom trip. I am having a moment of existential crisis!!! AM I truly independent? I needed to take a break here, and consult the 2008 Webbie hit, “Independent,” featuring Little Boosie and Little Phat:
Phew–thank god. Webbie says nothing about the bathroom. I cook, I clean,never smell like onion rings. CHECK. I’m INDEPENDENT.
6. I never said I hated games. I love Scattegories. I love Taboo. I love kickball. BRING ON THE GAMES.
7. What does it take for me to open up? Just a nice guy messaging me on OKC. Like you.
8, 9, 10. Geez, I am getting so tired of these questions. I feel interrogated, and not in a good way. I have a sinking feeling this is a preview of what it’s like to go out with you.
Bachelor #1, I am going to have to take a pass at responding to your message. Just chalk it up to trust issues. It’s clearly not you, it’s me.
Bachelor #2
Bachelor #2 actually sent me a pretty witty message. I was contemplating writing back, so I visited his profile to see what we had in common. Here’s what I found:
Well, right off the bat, I can see we have a lot in common. I too find online dating frustrating, I also love women, and I guess I am using the interwebs to find a companion. Sure, I would have saved these sweet nothings to whisper into someone’s ear on a first date, but oh well. BUT OH NO. WOE IS ME. Bachelor #2 is leaving OKC on Sunday. Way to light a fire under all of us women who are dying to get in touch with you for some drama and games (oh wait, sorry, that was bachelor #1). Now, why has our dear friend Bach #2 not found anything of interest? DON’T WORRY, he’s going to tell us:
While a lot of this is baseline truth (though I prefer minigolf/more drinking to the art museum), I am not sure why this guy has described to other OKC users, who are very well aware of how this shiz goes, on his profile.
If this guy finds the process so unsuccessful, then why is he still on OKC? Looking for dates? I am so confused. Is he hoping for some woman to break the cycle? Also, from the above description, it sounds like this guy is largely responsible for the failure of his relationships. Does he really want to advertise that on here? Is he expecting a woman to read this and think, “He nailed it! This is exactly what I want!” (Minus the Bahamas. I would take a trip to the Bahamas even if was with Mr. Sarcastic McMiserable over here.)
But I lost my chance to do that, since I never responded to this winner. Now excuse me readers, I am off to figure out what I “want on need.”
It’s no surprise that S, D, and I have a rule about what does and does not constitute a safe and appropriate first date activity.
Here are some examples of activities I would call safe, good bets for a first date: bar trivia, drinks, outdoor beer festival, movies, board games and beer. Notice I can no longer say frozen yogurt, since I am forever traumatized by what happened there.
What do most of these activities have in common? The consumption of alcohol and the absence of food. Why?
1) The consumption of alcohol. Never have I ever treasured alcohol’s medicinal and psychological capabilities more than when I started dating. First dates make me nervous. And nervous me is not sexy. Nervous me is a lot like this:
Buzzed, relaxed, me, on the other hand, is a a total blast. After two mojitos, I’m all like:
2) The absence of food. This is not what it sounds like. I am not anorexic or anything. I love food. I love food so much I dropped my sandwich on the ground the other day. In Dupont Circle. And I picked it up and ate it. No questions asked. (Hmm..I bet you’re wondering, “How is SHE still single?”)
The reason I try not to eat on first dates is that it prolongs the interaction significantly. Once you’re sitting in a restaurant with someone, especially a nice one, they’ve basically got you hostage for at least three courses. At a bar, you’re in safe proximity to the server to discreetly motion for the check at anytime. At a restaurant, there is no guarantee your waitress, the kitchen staff, the hostess, etc, will understand the sensitive predicament you are in, and they could very well take their time getting you through the meal. And then you are stuck there, unable to leave without making it super awkward. So until I am sure I can stomach someone’s company and they can stomach mine (pun intended. HAHAHA), I try to stay clear of ordering food.
So, this brings me to my date with R. R had messaged me on OKC, and while I thought he looked cute in his profile pictures, his message and profile contained some significant spelling and grammar errors (usually a deal breaker for me), and I wasn’t sure how much we’d have in common. But, I decided to give it a shot, and agreed to meet R for an after work drink. We arrived at a bar/restaurant around 7 p.m. The first thing R asked me was, “Are you hungry? Do you want eat?”
Truth:Yes, I want to eat. I had a Lean Cuisine at my desk at noon and since then I’ve been eating a combination of peanut M & Ms and big gulps of air. But, I was two seconds into the date, and I wasn’t sure how long I wanted it to last. So I followed my rule, and said, “No thanks. I JUST ATE.”
So we decide to just have drinks at the bar. And I ended up having a good time with R. He was very outgoing, had a great sense of humor, and kept the conversation lively. I ordered one vodka tonic, and then another. We were having such a great time talking about our favorite obscure TV shows, that I let him order me a third. And a fourth.
Midway through the third drink, it hit me. I’m kinda drunk. And I’m starving. We’d been at the bar for almost two and half hours. But because of my little lie at the beginning of the date, I didn’t want to be like, “CAN WE EAT NOW? I AM ABOUT TO COLLAPSE!” (Looking back, that would have been a pretty normal thing to say. But did you know alcohol has negative side effects???It impaired my judgement.) So, instead, I just kept on keeping on.
After the fourth drink, I claimed I had to get home to prep for an early meeting (AKA scarf down a box of Cheez-Its in 45 seconds flat or less). R and I walked out of the bar, and he offered me a ride home. Now, Dating 101 says taking a ride from a stranger is the stupidest thing you can do, but despite this knowledge, many of us have done it. And I was drunk and starving. So I said, “Yes, as long as you don’t try to murder me.” (Thanks for the tip S-works every time!). I get in R’s car, where he proceeds to ask me if I like INDIAN HOUSE MUSIC. “Yes!” I shouted. “I LOVE IT!”
Truth: WTF is Indian house music? Is it anything like American/European house music? Cause, if so, I hate it.
Reality: Guys, I was so drunk and delirious that I thought I actually DID like it.
So R drove me home, and I flung myself out of the car in pursuit of Cheez-Its so fast you could have mistaken me for Flo-Jo. Ten minutes later, R texted me and asked me out again. I guess he was pretty drunk too. (Actually, I hope he wasn’t, since he drove me home. But you get what I mean).
Date Rating 8/10: I inflated the rating by 3 points out of drunkeness. R was friendly, cute, and nice, but we had little in common. And he “made me” listen to house music.
Lesson learned: Eat before your dates. Or suck it up and order an appetizer. It’s OK to get buzzed, but getting college-style drunk and hungry (DRUNGRY?) is not a good idea.
What happened to R? We went out again. But I controlled the substance abuse, so it wasn’t as interesting.
Ah… men. Did we create this blog just to have a “legitimate” forum on which we could criticize you? No. We did not. But sometimes you make it so easy. Like this guy who messaged me last week.
I know what you’re thinking readers. You’re thinking, “L, this is not a pic of the week from an online dating website. It’s from the Pinterest board you share with your friends, titled, “romantic ideas of the future.”
But I assure you, this is indeed this gentleman’s profile picture on the good ol’ OKC. A man who is actively messaging women. And it creeps me out. Here’s why?
1. Candles-Ya’ll, I’ve been watching a lot of Pretty Little Liars recently, and the image that candles bring to mind is a suburban vigil for a missing teenage girl. Now, I understand that most other women in DC aren’t spending their weeknights with a bottle of wine and some ABC family on Netflix streaming, but there are plenty of terrifying/depressing candlelight images to go around.
I
I don’t know about you, but neither of these images makes me think, “Hmm, I’d love a date right now.”
I am aware that candles can be very romantic. I mean, who can forget this delicious scene from Serendipity:
The thing is buddy, we’re not there yet. Not even close.
Which brings me to my next reason to be freaked out by this picture…
2) I ❤ U: What does this mean? Do you love everyone you’ve encountered on the internet? Do you love everyone you message? Are you just really inspired by these three little words? Did you create this weird display yourself? Or did someone create this for you, and you thanked them for their affection by posting their tribute on your online dating profile?
3) Where is your face?: Most importantly, I would like to see your face. I’d even settle for one of your other body parts . (Just kidding…shudder). I don’t understand why someone would go through the trouble of posting a picture, ON A DATING WEBSITE, that is not even of a person. I mean, if you’re too scared to post a picture, at least let us stare at some fake eye candy.
For those of you who don’t have the good fortune to be as familiar with online dating as we are, allow me to enlighten you. One of the things these sites try to do, is to determine how good of a match you would be with other users, so you don’t have to sift through every single profile making this determination all by yourself. OKCupid is particularly famous for this, and uses a series of questions (I think there are over 2000) to determine how compatible you are with other users. Once you sign up for OKC, you are given the option to answer a number of multiple choice questions about all sorts of topics: dating, sex, lifestyle, politics, etc. You also mark which answers you’d find acceptable from other users, and how important the question is to you. The “scientists?” at OKC swear these questions can be great predictors of long term potential. And I kinda believe them. While the questions can be a little excessive, there are plenty of them that S, D, and I use to make decisions about if we’ll go out with someone or not. We use the questions to screen out rapists, and to avoid men, who, in general, scare us. We’ll be doing a series of posts on the questions, starting by each sharing some questions that are particularly important to us. And I’m up first…
1) The Leonardo DiCaprio question:
If you haven’t noticed already, the ladies of StuCu are a little bit snobby about our grammar and spelling. I mean, after all, we are authors of a venerated literary blog. We cover serious topics like sexting, men who like to wear women’s clothing, and how to live every day like Liz Lemon. I don’t expect every guy I go out with to be an expert on James Joyce’s Ulysses, but I do expect them to know how to identify the meaning of unknown words in a sentence. Or to have seen this amazing Baz Luhrmann flick:
Apparently, Leo and Clare got those lines from a guy called William Shakespeare.
I’m amazed by how many guys answer “where?” At the very least, you should be able to google a phrase and figure out what it means before you confidently interpret the question for prospective dates, many of them who will have taken at least a college level English class.
It’s not just the wrong answer to the question that bugs me. If you don’t know it, don’t answer. Or say, who cares? It’s that these guys care enough to answer the question, and then they still answer it incorrectly. I can already smell their bullshit.
2. The Animals vs. People Question
Now before you go all PETA on me, I want to state for the record that I don’t LIKE abused animals. In fact, I think abusing any living thing is a pretty shitty thing to do and a symptom of being a sociopath, (OMG guys, that Wikipedia link is truly terrifying. Do not read at night like I just did or you’ll “have to” watch 3 consecutive episodes of Parks and Rec to calm yourself.) So clearly, I want to avoid men altogether who are completely OK with humans and animals in pain. (And you should too!! Did you read the above Wiki article about sociopaths???) But, I have a clear hierarchy of what matters to me in life, and people rank above animals.
In case you were wondering, nothing ranks above cheese.
Now, you’ll notice I also said it was acceptable for someone to say both are bad. I made this answer “acceptable,” just so I didn’t miss out on any super compassionate, empathetic guys. But, truth be told, I’d still MUCH prefer somebody who knows where he stands on dairy products, people, and animals. In that order, of course.
3) The Make Love, Not War Question
My parents went to Oberlin, and I am pretty sure I could sing you a mean acapella version ofBuffalo Springfield’s, For What it’s Worth.So I have a pretty healthy skepticism of war in general. I can say with confidence that I would not enjoy nuclear war in any way, shape, or form. It would not be exciting, cause we would all be dead. Fans of nuclear war include:
So I tend to avoid men who want to join the good company of the above gentleman. I assume they are a dictator in the making, or, and perhaps WORSE, they don’t what nuclear war is.
Let me tell you, eliminating on these three questions alone weeds out a lot of men. Which is why I am heading into this weekend dateless. (WHOMP WHOMP). But I’d rather be dateless than going out with the next Kim Jong-il.
Before you get offended by the title of this post, please remember that I’m Jewish, and we all know that, as long as you’re part of a certain cultural or religious group, than you can make fun of them
My girlfriends and I have been playing the gay or Jewish game for years. It’s rife with stereotypes about men, and masculinity, and gays, and mommy issues, but unfortunately, it’s a real dilemma we face. Let’s take the classic example of Jeffrey Garten, husband of one of my idols, the Barefoot Contessa. They’ve supposedly been together for 40 years, but take a look at this clip:
Confusing pieces of evidence:
1) Nice outfit, stylish watch: This guy presses his shirts and rolls his sleeves to 3-quarter length. And he is about to get into a tent. Now, most men I know don’t dress this well for a date, let alone an outdoor camping experience. Where are the hideous shorts? Where are the tube socks?. Where is the “life is good” T-shirt? Where are the belts? (Sorry, guys, couldn’t pass up the opportunity to add a little Meryl at her best). But then again, maybe Jeffrey’s mama, like a good Jewish mama, taught him to take pride in his appearance, no matter what. GAY OR JUST JEWISH? Draw.
2) The hand gesture: Please turn your attention to seconds 17-20 on the video, where Jeffrey does a clear wrist flick while saying “it was a cinch.” Sorry friends, but gays have patented that hand gesture every since Will and Grace were on network television. GAY OR JUST JEWISH? Gay.
3) He sarcastically calls himself, “very handy.”: The last handy Jew was a carpenter, and his name was Jesus Christ. And the only gay construction worker I’ve ever seen was in thevillage people. GAY or JUST JEWISH? Draw again.
4) “If the tent’s a rocking don’t come a’ knocking”: Sounds like at Ina’s trying to tell her audience (including the person who made this really ghetto video by taping their tube TV) that things are about to get physical. And Jeffrey’s playing along. GAY OR JUST JEWISH?Just Jewish.
FINAL CONCLUSION: The thing is, I believe the only rocking that will happen in that tent is a fight over that amazing brownie pudding. Jeffrey sounds gay to me. And he’s light on his feet and he giggles. And I’m not trying to knock Ina’s relationship, which sounds ideal to many women, I’m just calling it like I see it, ok?
Point is, this question comes up a lot. And it came up a lot when I started dating S. I can say pretty confidently that now, our brief run is over. Which is a bummer, because jumping back into the sea of first dates, especially given my last experience with one, is not something I am not approaching with gusto. However, I think I carried on with him for as long as I did partially because I was determined to solve the mystery: GAY or JEWISH? Dear readers, this guy threw me through a loop with every interaction. Some baffling behaviors included:
1) He flicked the wrist: S and I met for the first time at a bar and exchanged witty banter over beer and board games (Scrabble. He won. barely.) But, about 5 minutes into the conversation, he started to use the Jeffrey Garten style wrist flick to emphasize his key points.
A few examples:
People in DC care so *wrist flick* much about politics.”
“My job is so “wrist flick” boring.
I was just at a wedding and drank *wrist flick* amazing tequila.
Hmm… Did I misread the profile on OKC? Is this guy a homosexual looking for a lady to join him and his partner for a little guy-guy-girl action? Did he say he was just interested in new friends???
2) He invited me back to house on date #1:After we finished our games and our drinks, S turns to me and says, “Have you eaten? Do you want to get something to eat? I have some spaghetti at my house.” WAIT–He’s inviting back to his house? Maybe he’s not gay? Maybe he’s just a clean, attractive guy who finds me funny and has picked up some unfortunate hand gestures? Two drinks apparently, was enough time for me to decide he wasn’t going to take me back to his house and chop me to bits and store me in the freezer. So, I flaunted common safety procedures (it’s been done before), and I said ok.
3) He lived in the gayborhood: His apartment was located a block from the intersection my friends and I call 17th and Gay. It was right across the street from my wonderful hairdresser, Frankie, who is always suggesting I do really radical things to halt aging and weight gain, like “laser liposuction.” Which is, according to Frankie, “totally worth it.” Also on Frankie and S’s block, no less than 4 bars where I’m pretty sure you can find this guy on a Saturday night:
4) His house was well-decorated and spotless: I am talking, gleaming. And his roommate (who, btw, is a WOMAN) was away on vacation. There’s some nice art on the walls. Nice carpets on the floors. Now, it’s possible his female roommate can take credit for that. But, he’s lived there longer than her and he seemed mighty proud of his stylish digs.
5) We made out and yada yada yada: When we hung out at each other’s places, S would put the moves on me. Nothing gay about that. Until..
6) He got up in the middle of one of our make out sessions and said OMG, I REALLY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM *double wrist flick*: If you’re imagining he sounded like Miss Jay you would NOT be wrong. I thought OMG! He is gay, and he’s going into the bathroom to spend some quality time with a Men’s Health.
7) I was more psyched about March Madness than he was:
What do you mean, “is that now?” First of all, yes, it’s March. And second, this is one of the best known sporting events in the U.S. The only other male I know who wasn’t aware the tourney is going on is my wonderful gay friend, C, who also thought Joe Flacko was the name of a Superbowl party guest, not the Raven’s QB.
8) He usually sits like this:
9) He has a blog too. And it’s written from the perspective of a woman: I wish I could say more, but I can’t, because if there’s one thing S, D, and I are militant about, it’s anonymity for us and our dates. (Oh yeah, and how cool Rayna James is. And how each blog post must contain at least 1 pop culture reference, preferably something from Clueless. And cheese.) But do I even need to say more about this? The guy is literally so in touch with his feminine side that he has a female pen name.
So, the conclusion I eventually came to was GAY and JEWISH. The hand gestures, the sitting, and his overall delicate constitution cancelled out his straight sexual behavior. And yes, perhaps I am a tad bit resentful because, even though I was mostly invested in him for blog research, I was irritated when I realized that he just wasn’t that into me. However, please rest confidently that I’ve engaged a full, mixed gender and sexual orientation, panel of colleagues, friends, baristas, baretenders, siblings, etc in reviewing our communication and they all have deemed my theory credible.
What do you think readers? And for the straight ladies out there, have you ever encountered a similar situation? Tell us about it in the comments.
Stupid Cupid 