In early 2013, when I was contemplating joining the online dating world, my friend C sent me a link one day to a Tumblr called “NiceGuysofOKCupid.” The point of the site, explained in more detail in this great Daily Mail article, was to call out guys on OKC who spent time on their profile pontificating about being “Nice Guys,” but whose pictures, answers to questions, and profile summaries revealed them to be anything but. 

For example, let’s take this clown:

Photo credit: Daily Mail.

Hello young gentleman! You sound like such a wonderful person. Tell me more about the situations in which a woman HAS to have sex with you. Or actually, don’t tell me anything. I’m just looking for attention anyway, so I could care less what you have to say. EW.

Major shout out to the good woman who started the original blog!! You are one of my blogging heros, right along with Meg Rowland and Deb Perlman! This post is 100% inspired by you. #girlcrushes

Anyway, after a few months on OKC, I have had the pleasure of being messaged by some “nice guys” myself.

Forget their answers to questions; these guys were clearly trying to win me over with their profiles alone.

Bachelor #1:

Sir, what intelligent questions you ask! Let me see if I can answer them.

1. Not only am I stuck on myself, I am stuck on the fact that you should be using “women” to refer to multiple females. Not woman. It would serve you to be stuck on a dictionary.

2. Who is Scorn 4 life? Is he a rapper?

3. Well, I don’t know what I “want on need” since I’ve never heard that delightful turn of phrase before. I certainly have no idea what I want or need. I need you to tell me and guide me. Please.

4. Well, most of us “good-hearted” women are off looking for jerks. You seem like way too nice a guy for me to be attracted to you.

5. This is actually a great question. I call myself Independent (with a capital I), but yet, I enjoy a good group bathroom trip. I am having a moment of existential crisis!!! AM I truly independent? I needed to take a break here, and consult the 2008 Webbie hit, “Independent,” featuring Little Boosie and Little Phat:

Phew–thank god. Webbie says nothing about the bathroom. I cook, I clean,never smell like onion rings. CHECK. I’m INDEPENDENT.

6. I never said I hated games. I love Scattegories. I love Taboo. I love kickball. BRING ON THE GAMES.

7. What does it take for me to open up? Just a nice guy messaging me on OKC. Like you. 

8, 9, 10. Geez, I am getting so tired of these questions. I feel interrogated, and not in a good way. I have a sinking feeling this is a preview of what it’s like to go out with you.

Bachelor #1, I am going to have to take a pass at responding to your message. Just chalk it up to trust issues. It’s clearly not you, it’s me.

Bachelor #2

Bachelor #2 actually sent me a pretty witty message. I was contemplating writing back, so I visited his profile to see what we had in common. Here’s what I found:

Well, right off the bat, I can see we have a lot in common. I too find online dating frustrating, I also love women, and I guess I am using the interwebs to find a companion. Sure, I would have saved these sweet nothings to whisper into someone’s ear on a first date, but oh well. BUT OH NO. WOE IS ME. Bachelor #2 is leaving OKC on Sunday. Way to light a fire under all of us women who are dying to get in touch with you for some drama and games (oh wait, sorry, that was bachelor #1). Now, why has our dear friend Bach #2 not found anything of interest? DON’T WORRY, he’s going to tell us:

While a lot of this is baseline truth (though I prefer minigolf/more drinking to the art museum), I am not sure why this guy has described to other OKC users, who are very well aware of how this shiz goes, on his profile.

 

If this guy finds the process so unsuccessful, then why is he still on OKC? Looking for dates? I am so confused. Is he hoping for some woman to break the cycle? Also, from the above description, it sounds like this guy is largely responsible for the failure of his relationships. Does he really want to advertise that on here? Is he expecting a woman to read this and think, “He nailed it! This is exactly what I want!” (Minus the Bahamas. I would take a trip to the Bahamas even if was with Mr. Sarcastic McMiserable over here.)

But I lost my chance to do that, since I never responded to this winner. Now excuse me readers, I am off to figure out what I “want on need.”