Celebrating our weird preoccupations: L and all the President’s Men

S, D, and I aren’t big fans of the traditional Valentines Day. Believe it or not, this has nothing to do with the fact that we’re single. Back in high school and college, boyfriends or not, S and I would get together with six of our closest friends and host a little gathering called Februarium. Brought to us by our incredible friend E, Februarium basically was a time for us to share romantic reflections on everything from our first kiss to our favorite food to how we’d spend the perfect day–between gulps of wine and mouthfuls of cards and sugar. Basically, we were doing Galentines Day long before Leslie Knope (which is just another reason we should be BFFs with Amy Poehler!) 

galentines day

Image via Bustle.com

So while you won’t find any of us singing the praises of Vday, we did want to celebrate G-DAY (short for Galentines for all of you slow folks) here on the blog. So we decided to take a break from spilling the beans about our dates, and instead spill the beans about ourselves a bit, by telling you some of the weird things that matter a disproportionate deal to us when choosing friends or partners. And, how we assess those things on dates. This is a dating blog after all, so we can’t ignore the existence of men entirely.

We’ll start with my weird little obsession with asking the following question:

Who are the 3 best presidents and why?

Sorry I’m not sorry that this is the most DC-esque question a gal could ask. While I hate to be a cliche, I’ve learned that a date’s answer to this question illuminates so many things that matter to me.

1) Their general understanding/knowledge of American history and politics-If you couldn’t tell from previous posts, I am an unabashed nerd when it comes to history. I could debate Victorian England gender mores for hours, and diagram the critical battles of WWI. If I’m going to be spending time with a guy, I need to know that he has a basic knowledge of important events and people in his own country over the past 250 years or so. So, if a guy can’t come up with the names of three Presidents or incorrectly lists presidents named “Jim Beam” or “Peyton Manning”, I am not sure that a) I could respect him or b) that we’d have a ton in common.

2) Their values-There are “wrong” answers to this question. For example, if someone says, “Andrew Jackson, because I hate Native Americans,” then they are pretty much done for. Same thing if a guy lists Ronald Reagan as a favorite. I’m an unapologetic progressive, and in my opinion, Ronald Reagan was one of the worst people things to happen to poor and working class Americans this century. Actually, I’m gonna go ahead and say that guys lose major points for listing any Republican president (post reconstruction, of course) at all. On the other hand, a guy can win big points for extolling Lyndon Johnson’s domestic achievements, i.e. passing the Civil Rights Act, the Great Society, etc. Nothing turns me on the like VISTA program.

3) Their critical thinking skills-I am an self-admitted overly-analytical person. I want to know the reason behind everything, even when there are no reasons to be found. 

have cake eat it too

Via quickmeme.com

So, I want to know a guy who can back his thoughts up with some reasons or evidence. Sadly, many Americans cite George Washington as their favorite President, but when you ask why, they can’t give you a reason. (PS: He won the war is not an acceptable answer in my book. First of all, he did that BEFORE he was President. Second of all, there were several non military moves responsible for our defeat of the British.) That said, I am not going to write off anyone who says George Washington, but I expect them to back it up with some facts (i.e., I really love term limits?).

4) Their ability to make a quick, clear decision-“What? Um? I don’t know? That’s just such a hard question…” There is nothing less sexy than asking a guy a seemingly innocuous question and having him agonize for 20 minutes over his answer (unless his answer includes Reagan, or W, or some other offensive conservative. Then the answer IS actually less sexy than watching him agonize). This is not a REAL test dude. I know you might feel pressure because I’m judging you so hardcore on your answers, but I’m also judging you hardcore on the WAY you answer. So, show me you can make a hypothetical decision. Because if you can’t, then I’m gonna worry about your real life ability to make decisions. 

At the end of the day, I also really appreciate any answer that shows a sense of humor. Any guy who can make me laugh, through his answers or even by making fun of me for asking the question, wins the biggest points I can award.

HAPPY GALENTINES WEEKEND FRIENDS! And stay turned as D and S discuss their quirky tests/not tests in the next couple days…

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Move over Carlos Danger. Here comes Tacosdelish.

Hi readers! In light of all the drama surrounding certain people’s online alter-egos, I thought we’d spend today talking about mine.

She’ll haunt your fantasies and she’ll steal your dreams.

She’ll steal from the rich and give to the poor.

You’ll never see her coming, yet she will always be in your sight.

It’s everybody’s favorite online dating alter ego…

Tacosdelish

Now that I’ve introduced “Tacos”  (as we affectionately call her) with the pomp and circumstance she deserves, I guarantee she’ll replace this little tyke as an icon of national togetherness and joy:

Kim-Kardashian-Kanye-West-and-baby-North-lookalikes-1998296

Lolz, Just kidding! Sorry North West (and PS, we know its not even you). I meant this guy:

royal baby

Let me back up a little. Why have an online dating alter ego? I am sure ANYONE who has ever online dated can answer this question. It’s so you can stalk: your dates, potential dates, guys who message you, guys who DON’T message you, coworkers, people you know who are in relationships, yet looking; without notice and without compromising the integrity of your regular profile. Sure, you could pay extra on OKC for a feature that lets you browse anonymously, but why do that when you could just create another free profile?

Tacosdelish was actually born several years ago, and her name was a joint collaboration between me and my ex-boyfriend. We created the profile so we could stalk our friends who were on OKC.  We didn’t intend to use the profile to actually get dates, so we decided to make Tacos as absurd and unattractive as possible, just to entertain ourselves. According to OKC, she looks like this:

okc heart

I tried posting a picture of Gru from Despicable Me up there, but we were immediately disciplined by Chris Coyne. So the heart will have to do.

Anyway, since you can’t see Tacos, you’ll have to take her word for what she looks like. According to her profile:

Tacos looks

But, looks aren’t everything, as many good fellows of OKC like to remind us. Perhaps Tacos Delish is rich and successful:

tacos job

Not only does Tacos lack a job and income, but she also barely speaks English. Which begs one to wonder, how did she fill out a profile? Thank god she speaks Chechen and Basque though!! Such common languages. 

However, several men in DC have expressed interest in having a chat  with Tacos over drinks or dinner, which suggests one or more of the following:

1) They didn’t carefully read the profile.

2) They actually speak Basque or Chechen, and mysteriously ended up in DC.

3) Sharing a common spoken language is not a prerequisite for a date.

Now, in spite, of her poor command of the Queen’s vernacular, Tacos has managed to pull together quite an appealing profile. Take a look:

tacos profile

I have to say, I am most proud of how Tacos spends her typical Friday night. And it’s only partially true! (I’ll leave it to your imagination to figure out which parts.)  Interestingly, many guys are quite turned on by the farting. Behold a sample message I received:

tacos fart message

Gotta give this guy points for creativity. If Tacos was real, she would have gone out with him and had a farting contest.

Other men take the name quite literally:

tacos sex message

Boy, puh-lease! Tacos is clutching her pearls right now. Why?

tacos question answers part 1

Because baby girl is a shallow virgin.

On the other hand, she is a virgin with a lot of sexual fantasies:

tacos profile 3

 

 And she’s incredibly rude.

But what I find most offensive about Tacos is that she’s a Republican:

tacos profile part 2

sarah palin

To sum up this post:

I have an online dating alter ego.

I think she’s really hilarious.

She makes absolutely no sense.

She gets a ton of messages. Some from really cute guys. TRUTH!

It’s a crazy world out there on the internet, folks. And, I promise, you haven’t seen the last of Tacos. Not any more than you’ve seen the last of Carlos Danger.

 

Message Monday: Why does S look so ugly?

Good morning and Happy Monday! (Ugh). Everyone had their coffee? Great. Here’s a little treat to ease you into the work week:

message monday 6-24-13

First of all, the worst part of this message is so not the message itself. It’s the fact that I’m allegedly a 74% match with this assclown. Second, if you’ll notice I didn’t block out his “profile pic” aka head shot for an amateur body building competition sponsored by Monster Energy Drink and/or Grindr profile pic that he recycled upon deciding to try out the ladies for a while. In fact, let’s turn this into a combined Message Monday/pic of the week post and check out his sweet bod, shall we?

message monday 6-24-13 pic

Wow. Nice tribal tattoo, bro. Very 2001. Also, nice toilet.

Now, while I’m busy befuddling the men of okcupid with my unattractiveness, let’s see what this guy is up to. Take a look at some of his answers to questions:

message monday intense intell

I am shocked by this. Shocked.

message monday politics

Again, are you serious? I was about to ask your opinion on the NSA leak.

message monday nuclear

You’d probably have to put on a shirt, though. Radiation and all. So that would be a bummer.

message monday racial

That’s a shame, not because you’re an ignorant racist, but because women of color are really missing out by not having the chance to date you. What a loss.

message monday discovering

Well, we’ve all been lucky enough to discover yours already, and may I just say it’s been an honor.

message monday physical features

PREACH. Superficial people are the worst. I’m thrilled that we see eye to eye on this issue, headless tool with a shirtless selfie profile pic who just called a stranger ugly on an online dating site.

message monday comin for ya

Well that’s… terrifying. Please stay right where you are, which I can only assume is first in line at Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s book signing.

situation book

 

OKC Questions: D’s Makers and Breakers

In the final installment of this series, I reveal three OKC questions that I judge potential dates on. While L and S had questions influenced by their parents, I’m the odd woman out here. Both of my parents are lawyers (and tried in vain to talk me out of following in their footsteps – at the age of 24 I was still ignoring my parents’ sound advice to my own detriment), so I mostly grew up with an appreciation/love of arguing. Usually in a very tedious and annoying manner. I’m super fun at parties! Though they did take us on a lot of cool vacations, so in a way they inspired me to care so much about this first question:

1) The Traveling Question:

traveling

In addition to the fact that I get restless when I’m in 1 place for a more than a month, I genuinely love traveling. Doesn’t matter if it’s a 2 hour drive away, a 10 hour flight away, a place I’ve been to a thousand times, or somewhere I’ve never been before. I’ve been to 39 states and 11 countries (spanning 3 continents – the goal is one day to visit all 7). I visit Philadelphia so regularly that when I was there two weeks ago, one guy I’ve met a few times was shocked to find out I don’t actually live there. My passport is impatiently waiting for its next stamp (and it looks like it might get it next spring!!). I am a traveler. And while I don’t mind traveling alone, I would like for it to be a shared passion in my relationships.

2) The Kidney Question:

kidney

Setting aside the broader issue of organ donation in general (which I think is very important), this question does not ask “would you donate a kidney to someone you went on 3 dates with?” or “your significant other is dying and even though it’s totally pointless, won’t save their life, and won’t even buy them an extra minute on earth, would you give them one of your kidneys?”.  It asks if you would donate a kidney to your significant other if it would SAVE THEIR LIFE. This is mandatory for me because if you would choose to let your significant other die over parting with an expendable organ, then fuck you. I hope you enjoy that extra kidney when you’re 73 and alone because it’ll be all you’ve got you heartless asshole.

3) The Promises Question:

promises

S laughs at how militant I get when talking about this question, but let me explain. Obviously I don’t want to be with someone who only keeps promises when it’s convenient. Or even someone who “usually” keeps them, which implies that on occasion they arbitrarily decide to just forget their word when something better comes along. No thanks. At the same time, it’s impossible to keep all of your promises, because none of us controls the world. Lots of things that are out of our hands might occur, preventing us from keeping a promise: asteroids, food poisoning, plane crashes, a polio outbreak, a ponzi scheme that bankrupts you. Show me someone who claims to always keep their promises, and I’ll show you a liar. I don’t date liars.

So there you have it folks – a little look inside what’s important to L, S and D. Hope you enjoyed this three-part series!

OKC Questions: L’s Makers and Breakers

For those of you who don’t have the good fortune to be as familiar with online dating as we are, allow me to enlighten you. One of the things these sites try to do, is to determine how good of a match you would be with other users, so you don’t have to sift through every single profile making this determination all by yourself. OKCupid is particularly famous for this, and uses a series of questions (I think there are over 2000) to determine how compatible you are with other users. Once you sign up for OKC, you are given the option to answer  a number of multiple choice questions about all sorts of topics: dating, sex, lifestyle, politics, etc. You also mark which answers you’d find acceptable from other users, and how important the question is to you. The “scientists?” at OKC swear these questions can be great predictors of long term potential. And I kinda believe them. While the questions can be a little excessive, there are plenty of them that S, D, and I use to make decisions about if we’ll go out with someone or not. We use the questions to screen out rapists, and to avoid men, who, in general, scare us. We’ll be doing a series of posts on the questions, starting by each sharing some questions that are particularly important to us. And I’m up first…

1) The Leonardo DiCaprio question:

wherefor question

If you haven’t noticed already, the ladies of StuCu are a little bit snobby about our grammar and spelling. I mean, after all, we are  authors of a venerated literary blog. We cover serious topics like sexting, men who like to wear women’s clothing, and how to live every day like Liz Lemon. I don’t expect every guy I go out with to be an expert on James Joyce’s Ulysses, but I do expect them to know how to identify the meaning of unknown words in a sentence. Or to have seen this amazing Baz Luhrmann flick:

Apparently, Leo and Clare got those lines from a guy called William Shakespeare. 

I’m amazed by how many guys answer “where?”  At the very least, you should be able to google a phrase and figure out what it means before you confidently interpret the question for prospective dates, many of them who will have taken at least a college level English class.

It’s not just the wrong answer to the question that bugs me. If you don’t know it, don’t answer. Or say, who cares? It’s that these guys care enough to answer the question, and then they still answer it incorrectly. I can already smell their bullshit.

2. The Animals vs. People Question

starving children question

Now before you go all PETA on me, I want to state for the record that I don’t LIKE abused animals. In fact, I think abusing any living thing is a pretty shitty thing to do and a symptom of being a sociopath, (OMG guys, that Wikipedia link is truly terrifying. Do not read at night like I just did or you’ll “have to” watch 3 consecutive episodes of Parks and Rec to calm yourself.)  So clearly, I want to avoid men altogether who are completely OK with humans and animals in pain. (And you should too!! Did you read the above Wiki article about sociopaths???)  But, I have a clear hierarchy of what matters to me in life, and people rank above animals.  

In case you were wondering, nothing ranks above cheese.

lizlemon5

Now, you’ll notice I also said it was acceptable for someone to say both are bad. I made this answer “acceptable,” just so I didn’t miss out on any super compassionate, empathetic guys. But, truth be told, I’d still MUCH prefer somebody who knows where he stands on dairy products, people, and animals. In that order, of course.

3) The Make Love, Not War Question

nuclear war

My parents went to Oberlin, and I am pretty sure I could sing you a mean acapella version of Buffalo Springfield’s, For What it’s Worth. So I have a pretty healthy skepticism of war in general. I can say with confidence that I would not enjoy nuclear war in any way, shape, or form. It would not be exciting, cause we would all be dead. Fans of nuclear war include:

adolf_hitler

Kim_Jong-il_on_August_24,_2011

So I tend to avoid men who want to join the good company of the above gentleman. I assume they are a dictator in the making, or, and perhaps WORSE, they don’t what nuclear war is.

Let me tell you, eliminating on these three questions alone weeds out a lot of men. Which is why I am heading into this weekend dateless. (WHOMP WHOMP). But I’d rather be dateless than going out with the next Kim Jong-il.