We’re Baack (Sort of)

Hello readers–we couldn’t allow 2014 to end without issuing you a BIG FAT APOLOGY for being completely delinquent bloggers this month.

 (And forgive me again readers, because I really wanted to apologize via Mr. Darcy in the rain, but couldn’t find an animated GIF of Colin Firth apologizing and thus had to use the far inferior Darcy. Shudder.)

Anyway, back to the apology. We’re sorry because we’ve basically acted like a man after 2-3 OKC dates. Provide a few laughs, some relatable stories, make you feel slightly bad for us… and then BAM…come down with a fairly horrible summer cold and disappear.

Unacceptable.

So, a few quick explanations for our absence:

1. We have had a monumentally important 30th birthday this month! S entered the next decade with fanfare that included a popcorn bar, a full length, high tech FAMILY FEUD style game (with sound effects), engineered by D, and a signature cocktail named after her. What can I say? CALIFORNIA HAS NOTHING ON NEW JERSEY when it comes to knowing how to party. And believe it or not, S is an even better friend than she is blogger, so she deserved every bit of our crazy celebration.

2. December is like, the most horrible time to date and meet new people. I mean, we all know meeting new people is horrible, no matter when you do it. But December is particularly bleak because people’s schedules are insane with awkward office holiday parties, family dinners, yankee swaps, etc. E.g., below:

3. I’ve actually started seeing someone. That I like. It’s a holiday miracle!

As previously mentioned, I have a strict policy not to blog about guys I am seeing. So sorry for being a total tease (obviously not that sorry because, HURRAY!). Anyway, I promise in the new year I’ll figure out a way to keep posting about dating. And, if things end, then you can get ready for the series of sad, self-deprecating posts filled with Avril Lavigne songs and Lena Dunham GIFs that are my post break-up speciality. But let’s hope it’s the former rather than the latter, ok?

While I have the mic, I’d also like to take some time to say that we at StuCu are pretty happy to say goodbye to 2014. Sure, it’s had some highs (mostly minor brushes with fame), but also some low lows that I hope not to repeat. Here are some ways I am hoping 2015 will be different for those of us navigating online dating.

1) Jdate will FINALLY improve its user interface. Jdate, what will it take before you stop being the most hideous site on the internet? The SECOND COMING OF CHRIST? (HAHA, couldn’t resist). Anyway, Jdate has allegedly made progress by creating something called an APP. It’s this thing for phones. You may have heard of it. If anyone is using it, let me know. The worst thing about not being on Jdate anymore is that I can’t make fun of it’s “new” features.

2) Sites will find a way to get rid of ghosts. Speaking of new fangled apps, in S’s post about Coffee Meets Bagel, she mentions that she was removed from the site do to inactivity. Kudos, we said then, and I’ll say it again now. Sadly, much of the space on internet dating websites is taken up by ghosts. Not real ghosts, because they don’t need to date. (Especially if they look like the 1995 movie version of Casper).

casper

Devon Sawa, swoon. (Says 10 year old me. Now it’d just be creepy to swoon).

But people who are functionally ghosts because they either made a profile and then never signed on a again, starting dating someone and forgot to delete their profile, or, are victims of the NON PAYING MEMBERS situations on Match, HowBoutWe, Eharmony, or Jdate, where they created a profile to browse, but never paid and couldn’t receive messages. These people aren’t really looking to date, but their inactvity on the site, their non response to our messages, and even the mere fact that they just aren’t messaging us creates depressing illusions for active users. Other sites should follow CMB’s league and kick their ghosts out. I think having a smaller, more active base of users would result in people feeling much more successful!

3) Texting will become a thing of the past. And all communication will just move to snapchat. HAHA, J/K. I don’t even know what snapchat is, you guys. As you know, I declared a serious jihad against texting last winter, and it’s continued ever since. I am hoping that dating communication moves away from text, and back to the phone where it belongs. 

Now readers, what are your hopes related to 1) online dating and 2) this blog for 2015? As I mentioned, we are tossing around some ideas for how to spice things up a bit, and are looking for suggestions on topics, and even some potential guest bloggers, so email us at stucublog@gmail.com if you’ve got ideas!

And, finally readers, Happy New Year! Here’s some parting advice for your evening, straight from our hearts to your homes:

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Message Tuesday: Shalom, Jdate!

Look at me, speaking Hebrew! Sadly, despite the significant gelt (lol, GET IT?) my parents dropped on Hebrew school, “Shalom” is basically the only word I can remember in the mother tongue. (Or in my case, the father tongue. Since my dad is technically the Jewish one. GET IT?).

OK, OK, I will stop cracking myself up with these stupid puns, though you must admit, they ARE funny, and tell you that Shalom in Hebrew means peace, hello, and goodbye. And in this specific case, it means goodbye, because I am saying goodbye to Jdate. My subscription expires tomorrow and I am not sad to see it go. Though, it has brought me some pretty good things. Besides the experience of hiding in a porta-pot, of course, which was, as Mastercard would say, Priceless.

This time, Jdate wasn’t even sad to see me go. I think the “site engineers” have literally but a “good riddance” code into my personal profile page, because instead of those typical WE ARE SO SAD TO SEE YOU GO/PLEASE COME BACK offers, I just got this screen:

jdate profile reactivate

Wow Jdate, No need to get so sentimental. Looks like you’ll miss me as much as I’ll miss you. Of course, Jdate did deliver me several lovely gifts before my departure, including the message I am featuring in this week’s Message Tuesday. Yes, yes, I know we are technically supposed to be doing Message Mondays, but like the good Jew that I am, I am running a full day late. (And sorry/not sorry I continue to make lame, Jewish jokes after promising to CUT IT OUT less than two full paragraphs ago). Anyway, let’s first get into some key details about the sender. Where’s he from, you ask? DC? Arlington? Bethesda? Baltimore, even? NOPE NOPE NOPE.

user hebrew

 

 

I mean, I know I’ve complained about this before, but that doesn’t mean I won’t complain about it again.

WHERE ARE YOU

https://isthiswhyimstillsingle.wordpress.com/

I live in the UNITED STATES. About a seven hour flight from Israel. And, my profile says I am not interested in relocating. Sadly, I am not sure if homeboy understood my profile, because it is unclear if we have a shared language. His message read:

actual message hebrew

Oh yes, that makes perfect sense! It sounds like you really enjoyed reading my profile and that we have the same taste in music. 

ACTUALLY, WAIT. I don’t know what you said because you and I don’t even use the same alphabet. I mean Jdate, can you put us both out of our misery and only allow us to message people who can READ OUR MESSAGES?

Now look, just to be super clear for the record, it’s not that I wouldn’t date someone whose first language isn’t English. The problem is, this is an ONLINE DATING PLATFORM where the chosen mode of communication is written, and so if we don’t share the same language, it’s unlikely we’ll be able to move things forward in a meaningful way.

I wish this gentleman the best of luck (as long as his message isn’t actually like, a long string of curse words or hate mail). And if anyone can translate the following sentence for me: “Do yourself a favor and use a different dating site that intuitively sorts users geographically and/or by language of choice,” shoot me an email and I’ll send it to this poor fella. 

That’s all for now readers. And hopefully, this is really the last time you’ll hear me complain about Jdate for reals. Because, SHALOM JDATE!

sebastian

That GIF is for you, D! I know how much you love the Little Mermaid.

Sir Talks Alot and my never ending battle with transition lenses

Remember a few weeks ago readers, when I promised you some first date stories but then just openly plotted revenge against near-strangers? 

victoria grayson

http://revengeinfinity2011.tumblr.com/post/84797232308/impetus-as-told-by-victoria-grayson

Worry no more Victoria Grayson, because tonight I really will tell you about my date.  This date was my first Jdate after rejoining the site in October. I spent my first couple weeks on the site making fun of it, and not doing what I was supposed to be doing, like updating my profile or answering messages, or looking for potential matches. 

sassy gay friend look at your life

But then, after lots of pep talks from everyone’s favorite sassy gay friend (C),  I decided to reply to messages from some promising dudes.

This particular dude, who I am knighting Sir Talks Alot, for reasons that will soon be clear to you, seemed like your average Joe (Or, since we are talking JDate here, more like your average David. Or Daniel. Or Max. Or Josh.) He was in his early thirties, had a decent job at a government agency, and messaged me about benign things like my job, traveling, and my hobbies. He suggested meeting up at one of my favorite bars that has a killer happy hour and an even better back patio.

So, I begrudgingly put on lip gloss (not lipstick, I am not nearly cool enough for real makeup. I prefer to stick with the same make-up regimen and products that I’ve been using since 8th grade. Ask S, she knows.) (Real talk, I once staged an intervention on L’s bra collection upon discovering that each and every one was legitimately purchased in junior high. Homegirl has a problem.) and hauled my lazy self to the bar. This was going to be my first date in two months (unless you count dates with fictional TV characters. Which I go on every night. On my couch. In sweatpants.), and as I walked to the bar I was nervous.  Would I forget how to flirt? Could I remember all the thoughtful questions to ask? 

When I got to the bar I was pleasantly surprised. Sir Talks Alot was way cuter in person than he had been in pictures. I mean, in one picture, he had been sporting a FANNY PACK. In another, Tevas and sandals. I literally went to the bar expecting someone who resembled a nervous, midwestern tourist. Instead, I was greeted by a decent looking guy with glasses, wearing normal, preppy clothes, sans fanny pack. (Thank god!). Now, as we have discussed previously on the blog, there are two kinds of profile picture fraud.

  1.  The kind where someone posts a picture WAY more attractive than they actually are and then when the other person gets to the date they are so disappointed and bamboozled they can barely focus. This is by far the most common type of fraud.
  2. The kind where someone asks a blind, thumbless person to take his or her picture, right after they get styled by your dad. This is far more rare, because usually these bad pictures prevent someone from going out with you.

But, remember, shallow old me is doing a little experiment called “let’s not be the most judgemental person in the room,” and decided to take a risk with this dude and his Delta Sky Magazine style profile pictures. And it paid off. I spent the rest of our first date just mentally patting myself on the back for my good fortune. And, thank god I had something to keep me occupied. Because this guy DID. NOT. STOP. TALKING. 

Now look, before I get to the complains section of this post (because lord knows, that’s our bread and butter), let me just say I DID appreciate that this guy was putting some effort into the date and conversation. You’ve heard me and my co-bloggers complain time and time again about men who sit silently (or worse, mumble) while you lead the conversation like a paid mediator. But this talking was extreme. During the course of our 2.5 hour date, I think I shared four things:

  1. Where I work
  2. How many siblings I have
  3. My sister in law to be’s profession (Hey B, tell K she made into the blog AND the date. And I told my date and my readers that she was a DOCTOR.)
  4. That, yes, I would like another glass of wine.

Sir Talks Alot, on the other hand, shared about 1000 things. I mean, at one point I actually wondered if perhaps I had showed up for the wrong engagement and this guy thought he was meeting with the aspiring author who has going to ghost-write his biography. A few nuggets I learned:

  1. His dad’s job. His mom’s job. His brother’s job. 
  2. How every room in his house is decorated
  3. The names of his friends’ cats.
  4. A recipe for vegan stir fry.

Now there is nothing wrong with these nuggets individually, but string them together, and multiple them by 100 other random facts and there you have my date.

Now, why didn’t I just get up and leave you ask? The thing is, when one is shellshocked by reverse profile picture fraud (Type #2 fraud as described above), she is sort of in this imobolized haze where she is so confused at her own good forture that it is hard to think clearly. Also, what he was saying was interesting (his parents are also doctors! like my sister in law to be!), and I figured his incessant talking might just have been first date nerves. Lastly, once I started drinking wine, it seemed like too much work to stop. (Yes, I realize that last sentence made me sound like a lazy alcoholic, but no I am not sorry).

Anyway, by the end of the date I decided if he asked me to go out again and do something cool I would give it one more shot. And he did. He asked me to this fun food and drink festival that happens a couple times of year in DC. And, in the spirit of embracing new and creative date ideas, I agreed to a Sunday afternoon date, hoping that Sir Talks Alot’s nerves would have abated and he wouldn’t be so chatty.

However, when I met Sir Talks Alot for the date, I noted an IMMEDIATE CURVEBALL. This guy was wearing TRANSITION LENSES.

For those of you who have been lucky enough to avoid this fashion phenomenon for most of your lives, allow me to show you an example:

matt damon transition lenseshttp://www.celebitchy.com/345104/matthew_mcconaughey_camila_alves_worst-dressed_couple_of_the_sags/

See what Matt is wearing? Those are transition lenses. The stated goal of such lenses is to be a one stop shop for people who wear glasses to see and who need to wear sunglasses to protect from the sun. Indoors, they are reading glasses. Outdoors, they are sun glasses. Makes sense, right?

WRONG.

  • First of all, the lenses never fully make the transition? See how Matt’s lenses are a bizarre shade of gray? That is what transition lenses look like 80% of the time. A weird, funky gray color that compliments the face of NO ONE.
  • Second of all, the other 20% of the time, when the lenses are making significant shifts in appearance, they are terrifying everyone around them because, as one wise friend put it, “One minute you see their eyes. And the next minute they are sort of gone.” 

twighlight zone nightmare

  • Thirdly, the whole marketing campaign contains some stock photos that resemble either a Viagra add or a tampon commercial. 

transition lenses

ophthalmiclenses.blogspot.com

  • Lastly, transition lenses bring up weird free associations in my mind. Here are other people I know who have transition lenses:
    • My ex mother-in-law (L we both know you don’t have an ex mother-in-law). OK, not technically. My ex-fiance’s dissaproving Korean mother. Just as terrifying as the real thing.
    • My dad
    • Most of S’s exes (I don’t actually know this, but when I went on an anti-transition lens rant, S said, a little too proudly, “Please, everyone I’ve dated wears transition lenses. GOOGLE GLASSES OPTIONAL. I didn’t say it proudly (who would be proud of this??) but I’ll admit I was oddly possessive of my ‘dating someone who makes hideous fashion choices’ title and thus made a wildly inaccurate claim about “all my exes” wearing transitions (upon further investigation it was one dude at most. We’ve established that my memory is sketchy.) To be fair, though, the men I’ve dated HAVE shown up to meet me in all of the following: Google glasses, stonewashed jeans from Costco, windbreakers, and shorts paired with dress socks, so I know this feeling of bewilderment and public shame all too well #nerdfetish.

“Now before you jump down my throat and accuse me of being that judgmental person I swore about four paragraphs ago I wasn’t going to be, let me say that the worst part of the second date was not the transition lenses. That digression is mostly a PSA for your benefit, dear readers, that is intended to ensure that when you buy eyewear, you buy it only for one purpose. 

The worst part of the second date was that Sir Talks Alot talked even more than he had on the first date. This time, the conversation featured:

  1. His bowtie collection
  2. His favorite paintings of all time
  3. His grocery list

About 15 minutes in, I knew their wouldn’t be a third date, and just tried to escape as much as possible. I reached out to S for emergency support:

text 1 to s

text 2 to s

text 3 to s

Date Rating: First date 6/10, second date, 4/10: Once I knew the incessant talking was likely here to stay, I just used the time we were together to make my own grocery list and fantasize about the Sunday night TV I was going to watch. And the worst part? He didn’t even notice I zoned out

Lesson Learned: The lesson here folks? If you are hiding in plastic toilet on a hot DC day just to avoid talking to someone about their bowties while their glasses change color before your very eyes, it’s time to call it quits.

 

Flirts and other Fails: Jdate, the remix

Per usual readers, I have a confession to make. No, this confession doesn’t feature me deeply offending a date or flagrantly breaking my first date rules. Instead, I’m about to tell you something about which I am a bit more ashamed. But I have to tell you, because I don’t like secrets between me and the internet (unless it’s my search history after a night of binge drinking that includes things like “what to do about underarm fat?” or “what can I catch from a toilet seat?”)

Now that I’ve begun gradually embarrassing myself, I’ll just come out and say it:

I rejoined Jdate.

After all that whining and complaining last summer about how much I hated it, I decided to give it another go. Why, you ask? GREAT QUESTION.

I disabled my OKC profile shortly after my date with the Kid, because I just wasn’t feeling the dating thing.

larry david dating

http://www.buzzfeed.com/katieheaney/24-signs-dating-isnt-for-you#3qqsag1

But then, a few days ago, I decided I wanted to get back out there. But I wanted something new (ish). OKC, while still my favorite dating site, has allowed me to indulge in some bad patterns, which can be summed up in one run on sentence: I love to go out with guys who are cute BUT 1) not that nice 2) have a serious drug problem, or 3) I have nothing in common with, or 4) all of the above. This is what happens when you’re too shallow and make your decisions based on looks, folks.

Deterred from Match and Eharmony due to the horrific experiences of my co-bloggers, I decided I had, perhaps, been too hard on Jdate, and decided to give it another try.

After a couple days, I’ve learned that, of course, the problem was not that I was too hard on Jdate. It’s that I wasn’t hard enough on Jdate. It’s fertile soil for mockery and complaints, my latest of which include:

1. It is possible they don’t have a single engineer or web designer on staff. I mean after one year, it’s “nice” to know Jdate has  not improved its user experience AT. ALL. It still looks like it was created by a high school senior in 1999 who was experimenting with an early version of Javascript. Moreover, I can’t load the site on my phone half the time. It just half loads, and then freezes my new iphone 5. 

2. They still can’t figure out where I live. Even though you have to indicate your current city of residence in your profile, and, EVEN THOUGH I have marked 50 times that my preference is to see guys in the DMV area, my Jdate homescreen is usually populated with “Member Spotlights” featuring men (and sometimes women) from as far away as Columbus, Ohio. I am sure this is especially heartening news to those suckers out there who shelled out the extra $5 to have a “member spotlight” feature. 

3. They continue to run a fascist ship, uncomfortably reminiscent of some very dark times in our people’s history. When I rejoined Jdate, I decided to freshen up my username a bit. Turns out, if you change your username, you have to undergo a highly scrutinized review process (similar to a CIA level background check or when the Bar Association makes you submit character references). Until your new screen name is approved, Jdate assigns you a MEMBER ID, which is a nine digit string of numbers. Jdate, COULD YOU THINK OF SOMETHING IN SLIGHTLY BETTER TASTE than assigning me, granddaughter of a Holocaust survivor, an ID that involves a string of numbers? POOR TASTE, JDATE. POOR TASTE.

But my biggest complaint about Jdate right now is the presence of a stupid little feature called the “flirt.” Flirts are basically the equivalent of facebook pokes, but for single adult strangers, which makes them all the more sad.

Basically, flirts are something a Jdate member can send another  member to indicate interest without having to go through the trouble of typing 2-3 sentences based on the other user’s profile. Instead, Jdate crafts some dumb one liners that make you sound lazy or cheesy, or if you are lucky, both. Behold some examples:

flirt example 1

Wait? WTF? You are sending me a message to “get the conversation started” and your way of getting the conversation started is to tell me to do it myself? Does it get any lazier than this?

horizontal runningilltumblrforya.com

Or, there is this gem:

flirt example 2

Excuse me, but did you just ask me why I was still single (in a totally outdated, cheesy, Uncle Geoffrey-esque way?)

uncle geoffrey

http://gifsoup.com/view/4604861/hop-hop.html 

If I knew why I was still single, dude, I wouldn’t be on here in the first place.

Finally, they say there is no such thing as a stupid question. Unless of course, Jdate is generating the question. Behold:

flirt example 3

Again, WHAT IS HAPPENING? You are already writing me! That is presumably why we both signed up for this online dating service! How do I respond to this? With a simple, “Yes????” 

Now look, it would be depressing enough if these men were crafting these messages themselves. But what sets Jdate apart is that they actually craft these absurd pick up lines, and then encourages members to send them.

Do us a favor Jdate, and listen to Nina Garcia.

nina garcia

http://giphy.com/gifs/FExBzCja8eghi

No. Just no.

But in all seriousness readers, does one respond to these sort of things? I know guys are probably sending them because they are too scared/lazy/sick of being ignored to craft a personalized message. On the one hand, I don’t want to hold this against them, but on the other, I feel like I am worth at least a two uniquely crafted sentences. And, as you can see, these flirts are actually really hard to respond to, since the questions/statements are so senseless. So if you have advice for me, leave it in the comments section, and I’ll let you know how it goes.

eHarmony holdout

Since my dreaded triumphant return to the online dating scene, I’ve been thinking about all the different services we’ve tried here at Stucu. Here’s a quick rundown:

Yeesh, that is not a short list. And yet here we are, still painfully single. Speaking of being painfully single, you may have noticed one glaring omission…

Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I’m just going to say it: I HATE eHarmony. True, I’ve never actually used it, but it has always seemed so ridiculous/lame/creepy to me. Also, sorry to get all soapbox-ra-ra-social-justice on our dating blog, but it’s worth noting that eHarmony has a history of discriminating against same sex couples, plus their annoying as fuck elderly founder/spokesperson is an outspoken hardcore Christian. Not that there’s anything wrong with hardcore Christians…

seinfeld

Source: mrwgifs.com

…it’s just that I am not one of them. I’ve heard tales of the blatantly religious overtones of the site’s matchmaking process, and I don’t like the idea of some company surreptitiously pushing their views on people who are just trying to get a date. If I wanted religious-based matchmaking, I’d mosey on over to a religious-based online dating site like Christian Mingle or L’s favorite, JDate.

Also. Completely forgetting his politics, the eHarmony spokesperson freaks. me. out.

finding-the-love-1

Source: www.harmony-in-love.com

I’m sorry, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, but I’m not currently looking to put a creepy old guy in charge of my love life.

scumbag-eharmony-guy-52799

Source: maeameme.org

I know I’m being ridiculous. I know I shouldn’t write off a dating service I’ve never tried because their commercials feature a pushy religious senior citizen and an overplayed Natalie Cole song. More importantly, I’m actually friends with a couple who met on eHarmony. And by “met” I mean I attended their wedding last October. 

Despite this undeniable empirical evidence of the E’s legitimacy, every time someone suggests I join, my answer goes something like this:

“Yeahhhhh, uhhh,I’ve thought about it, but I’m saving it for if (let’s face it, when) I’m a bit older and still single. I’ve heard it’s a more…mature crowd, and that the people on there are much more serious about getting engaged like, yesterday. So I’ll probably try it eventually, just not…now.”

Translation: I hate eHarmony. I don’t want to do it. Please leave me alone.

The biggest reason why I resist this (almost always) unsolicited advice is that it rarely comes from single people. And I’m sorry, if you’re not a veteran of online dating, you simply have no idea what a shit show it is. But then a few weeks ago, one of my single guy friends whose opinion I totally value was telling us about his recent run of good dates, and the big E came up:

Me: What site are you on again? Okcupid?

E: eHarmony.

Me: Oh. Hmmmm. Interesting.

E: You should try it, S.

Me: (internally, thinking about my paintfully single status): Sigh. Maybe he’s right.

Which brings me to this post. When I started writing, it was mostly about my reluctance to join and somewhat irrational hatred of Dr. NCW. But then I tried to poke around and do some preliminary research to see what the site was like and, well, I got bamboozled. Before I even knew what was happening, I was filling out a 9 hour long personality profile analysis thing and signing up to “try it for free”.

GOD-DAMMIT

Source:kwieser.tumblr.com

Dr. Warren, you are one tricky motherfucker.

“Try it for free” is a favorite tactic among paid dating sites: they let you sign up, fill out a little profile, answer some questions, and cruise for dudes, but the minute you try to do anything real like send a message or even look at someone’s pictures, you’re directed to hand over your credit card info. This was fine with me for once because I didn’t actually want to use their stupid site, I just wanted to see what the infamously involved personality profiling is like and rip it to shreds on our blog.

I’ve also heard that eHarmony at one time rejected a certain number of people after they went through all their insane questioning. As in, these clowns literally say “thanks for trying to pay us money but you’ll have to take your unlovable single self elsewhere, because we don’t want anything to do with you.”

what parks and rec

I’m telling you, these people are the WORST.

Googled researched this policy to determine whether it’s still in place, but my search was inconclusive, so I half expected to waste 20 minutes of my life on a site I already hated and then be told I wasn’t wanted by them. Just another day in the life of a single girl, AMIRITE, LADIES? Anyway, despite my MANY misgivings and against my better judgment, I signed up and sat through their long ass questioning process. Here’s a sample question:

eharmony patient

For those who are wondering, there were a fair number of…faith based questions in this thing, mostly to do with how religious/spiritual you are. I screen capped these questions for your viewing pleasure, but now I can’t find where I saved them so you’ll have to take my word for it. After answering ‘not at all’ to basically every religious question, I was fully expecting to get to the boot, but somehow, some way, Dr. NCW deemed me worthy of God and single men’s love, and I was admitted into Club E. Yay.

hermione

Source: www.flickr.com

Obviously, they didn’t waste any time before asking me for money:

eharmony

Jesus. First of all, the 10.95/month plan is totally reasonable, until you realize you’re making a TWO YEAR COMMITMENT. I only commit to where I’m going to live one year at a time, you fuckers. Yes, I get that business-wise it’s smart for them to incentivize people to commit for the long haul. I also get that say, one month is not enough time to give a dating site a chance and meet a good number of people. But how about 3 months? Where’s the 3 month plan, you assholes? Three months is how long it took me to realize I hated Match.com with the burning fire of a thousand suns. So you’re telling me when I inevitably confirm that I do, as predicted, loathe eHarmony, I’m saddled with it for a full calendar year? Yeah…

nope

Source: wifflegif.com

The next logical choice is 6 months. But that shit starts to get pricey. $258 for 6 months on your stupid website? Really? So, what do I get for forking over a plane ticket to somewhere awesome or a day at the spa?

eharmony2

Uhhhh, 1. what in the what is the “Book of You?” Again with the religious overtones. And 2. so what you’re saying eHarmony, is that your basic plan offers the EXACT SAME THINGS as Okcupid. How much is Okcupid again?

fo-free-o

Source: gifsoup.com

Also, unsurprisingly, upon fake signing up I was immediately bombarded with senseless emails:

eharmony hate being single

Shut your stupid mouth, eHarmony, and stop patronizing me. I don’t need your permission to be okay with saying that phrase. I’m so good at saying “I hate being single” that I literally started an entire blog so my friends and I could say it multiple times a week. So step off.

Rage aside, I’m at a crossroads, readers. I’m technically signed up, so I’m now getting messages that I can’t read from faceless dudes. This is how they rope you in! I’m telling you, it’s a mindfuck. No matter how awful a site appears to be (and believe me, eHarmony seems awful) there’s that one tiny little part of you that worries one of the guys who messaged you is your future husband, and you’re about to miss out on a lifetime of happiness and hot sex because you were too cheap to fork over $258. 

I need help deciding, dear readers. Tell me what you think I should do. I can’t promise that I’ll actually do it, but I promise to take the results into consideration. Also, if you’ve used the big E yourself, feel free to leave me a comment and tell me what you think of it. Also, if you’re reading this, Dr. Warren, I hate you.

 

Online dating usernames: The bad, the good, and the average

Hey readers!  L here and ready to bring you the scoop from the internet dating websites. Never fear readers. I may be one year older as of a few days ago, but I’m as immature and judgmental as ever. Which is why I’d like to use our time today to judge fellow online daters on one thing: their usernames.

The minute you join any online dating site, the first thing you have to do is create a username. Why not just use your real name and email, you ask?

doh

http://giphy.com/gifs/8WdsK61D9YOOc

Because you don’t want all those creeps out there to immediately google/facebook/email you. Plus, while we at StuCu obviously believe an online dating profile is nothing to be ashamed of (even though my mom keeps referring to internet dating as “paying for sex”), we also don’t want to openly advertise our first and last names to all the folks in the area, who are potential clients, colleagues, friends of friends, etc.

So, enter the USERNAME. Where, depending on the guidelines of the site, you have 5-20 characters to convey your identity in a smart, witty, way that won’t scare people or give away your identity.

THE BAD

Now, you’d think this would be pretty easy to do. However, for some people, this is very challenging. Here are a few examples *changed slightly to protect identities* of the worst ones I’ve found yet.

JamesNeedhamIII- So you know how I just said it’s really dumb to use your first and last name? Some people do it anyway. And to those people I say, “I hope you are not going on a job interview any time soon.” 

Notlookingforsluts- Oh hello, nice guy of Okcupid! Thank  god you made it clear in your username that you aren’t looking for a slut, because I was just about to message you and offer you my body. Word to the wise, and also to you: hold off on using derogatory terms to refer to women till at least the second date.

Stinkypants-The only person who could possibly get away with this is a baby. And while babies are cute (SO.CUTE.)  they should NOT be online dating.

Now, S and I have discussed the possibility that some “bad” usernames may be intended for comedic purposes. This post was the original brainchild of a spontaneous gchat about bad usernames:

gchat offensive user names

Thanks S, for being the voice of reason and drawing that conversation to a close. As I learn all too regularly, there is a fine line between being funny and just plain scary. And one (me, obvs) should avoid that line when it comes to dating.

THE GOOD

Every once in awhile, I’ll stumble across a username that makes me outright LOL, or, become so impressed/intrigued I actually message the guy!

ZackMorrisCellPhone/DavidSilver/SayAnything- Nothing makes me weak in the knees like a casual reference to late 80s/early 90s pop culture. Nothing. I usually get so excited I’ll message something CRAY like, “Meet me at the Max in 1 hour?” or, “You were the best DJ Donna ever dated!” or, “Diane Court here.”  

so excited sbb

http://giphy.com/gifs/dLyfT21xFdwpG

BagelMeetBagel- Surprise, surprise. This one came from a Jewish guy. (See Dad, I don’t hate them all!) I like it because 1) It’s a clever play on a name for another internet dating service and 2) It’s a little joke about Judaism, which you know I appreciate.

Herecomesyourman-One of my favorite Pixies songs transformed into a username. Just go ahead and hold a boom box up to my window, why dontcha?

Key takeaways here:

  • Humor is good.
  • LLoyd Dobler is greatness rolled into one single man.
  • Pop culture references are good, for the most part, provided they don’t reference recent murder cases.
  • And when in doubt, make a little healthy fun of my religion, and I’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand.

THE AVERAGE

The truth is, readers, most usernames are just very, well, average. And, honestly, average is probably a safe, smart place to stay before you’ve met someone.

A visit or message from Mark3456 or jbt78 or Cardinalsfan may not catch my eye as quickly as I_shot_the_Sheriff_forreal. But that’s ok. Because honestly, what people say in their messages, and their profiles, is way more important than their username.

And sadly, easier to screw up. We’ve already done a post or two on profiles and messages, but rest assured, readers! There is enough material here to run a daily tumbler for eternity. In fact, you can find one of my favorite message tumblrs here. This should keep y’all busy for awhile.

Sex Idiots, Jump offs and others: The Second S

Remember when I promised you that, if you suffered through my JDate hate manifesto, you’d actually get some stories about the guys I met on it? Asked and answered, friends. ONLY A MONTH SINCE THE POST. #trulysorry

I actually had a nice time with two of the guys I met on JDate, and both managed to keep me occupied through the late summer/early fall. I’ve already divulged the details of one of those flings in a nice, sobering post about being an adult and “doing the right thing.” and I figure it’s time to share a little bit about the other guy, whose story is much less savory, and much more juicy. (Ahem, mom and dad, this is where you stop reading. You’ve been warned.)

Here is what J #2 had going for him:

  • His face.
  • His smile.
  • His butt.
  • His looks.
  • His cable.
  • His name, which was S (I have a good track record with Ss). 

…andddddd that’s about it. This guy, during our first date, was so boring, that he literally recited two recipes verbatim, including an ingredient list for each. He spent the other 50% of the date just explaining, in frame by frame detail, episodes of Friday Night Lights. In a normal situation, I would have ended the date after one drink. But here’s the thing. He was super cute. And we were obviously really attracted to each other. And he was putting some pretty cute moves on me. 

So I took him back to my place (a 20-minute walk from the bar, during which, between groping me and weirdly trying to hold my hand, he detailed several episodes of “How I Met Your Mother,” told me a really really long story about no less than 12 different friends of his from camp who I did not know, and then proceeded to recite a recipe for matzah ball soup) and we did it.

This was the night when I truly discovered what it means to have a sex idiot.  

Once again, we can thank Tina Fey for another genius contribution to modern society. For those of you who didn’t click on the hyperlink above, allow me to summarize/elaborate. There is a great episode of 30 Rock where Jack and one of the many women he is dating run into each other. They’re both with other people, who turn out to be really dumb human beings who they are both keeping around for the sex only, who they refer to as “sex idiots.” God love ya, Jack Donaghy, for always reminding me there is always room to grow into a WORSE person. 

Now friends, if you can believe it, It gets even better. Because Zarina’s sex idiot is no one other than the incredible swimmer/media sensation/fashion designer, Ryan Lochte. If you’re joining me in uttering, “Yum/Yuck,” then welcome to the club. That’s a sex idiot for ya. Lust them and hate them. Fantasize about having sex with them but can’t wait to kick them out afterwards.

So back to S. If you’re looking for a visual, imagine a Jewish Ryan Lochte who is really obsessed with his mom:

goldlochte(

(BTW,  S and D, we should really invest in Photoshop so I can do cool things like put a yarmulke on this picture of Ryan Lochte nibbling a gold medal).

After my first date/night with S, I figured I probably wouldn’t see him again. After all, we didn’t have a lot in common, and I pretty much handed him his shoes and pushed him out the door shortly after the dirty deed was over.

However, S continued to call text. And I continued to answer, and agree to hang out, as long as the plans we made maximized the sex and minimized the talking. (i.e., no meals, no day dates, hanging out exclusively at our apartments, etc).  This pattern, much to my delight, continued for a month or so.

hogwarts judging

HANG ON THERE GRYFFINDOR. Before you get on your high hippogriff, and look down on me for being a shallow user, let’s engage in a real intellectual debate here: Is it wrong to have a sex idiot?

Before fully examining this question, I think it’s important to further examine the origin and reach of sex idiots. So, I turned to three important cultural hallmarks: Sex and the City, rap music, and B-list rom coms that often appear in my Netflix cue.

1) SATC has long explored and acknowledged the concept of the sex idiot, which the lovely ladies usually refer to as a “F#@$ buddy.” They even have a whole episode dedicated to  the concept:

According to this incredibly believable scene (when was the last time you saw four people have a full on conversation during the middle of yoga class?), a F-buddy meets the following criteria:

  • The sex is great
  • They are generally available
  • You could care less about the details of their daily life
  • It is a terrible idea to actually try and date them

Now, here’s the thing. It sounds very much like these are all consensual arrangements, where each party is explicitly aware of the intentions of the other party. It’s not like these guys are begging for relationships, and all these ladies are giving is sex. If both parties are 1) informed about where they stand and 2) happy about it, then what’s the harm in having a little fun?

2) Now, let’s get even more urban (I know, what is more urban than SATC? It’s in a city, for goddsakes!) Enter, the rap song and the “jump-off.” The jump-off is a term that some of these rap kids are using to describe a lady who men use for casual sex.  Jump-offs truly penetrated the vernacular as after the 2003 release of Joe Budden’s hit single, Pump it up.

Budden describes his Jump Off:

My jump off doesn’t run off at the mouth so much
My jump off never ask why I go out so much
My jump off never has me going out of my way
And she don’t want nothing on Valentines Day
My jump off don’t argue or get rebellious
And she don’t mind hanging out wit da fellas
My jump off’s not insecure or jealous
(Uuh, uuh, uuh)

Sure, this song has misogynistic undertones (BLOG GIVEAWAY FOR ANY READER WHO JUST GOT THE HIDDEN POP CULTURE REFERENCE!)* but, at the end of the day, Joe is describing a pretty cool gal, who is low maintenance, fun, and amiable. Moreover, his description transcends race and class. He could very well be describing Carrie, Miranda, or Samantha. It sounds like not only would all these things be fine with them, but that they would  alsorevel in and appreciate the lack of communication, interest, or attention from their F-buddy until the desired time to F.

So far, so good. Sex idiots are not only perfectly fine to have, but they are also recognized by HBO and the same label that produced Jay-Z. Sounds legit and ethical to me!

3) However, the string of B-list rom coms I’ve seen suggests that the sex idiot/F-buddy/jump off concept has a fatal flaw. And that flaw is, if one party is interested in any more than sex (their opinions being heard, the life details being shared, a gift on Valentine’s Day), then all bets are off and someone could really get hurt. This is what happens in the Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis tour de force film, “Friends with Benefits,” when one of them becomes more interested than the other. (Y’all, this is movie is seriously good. If you don’t believe me, believe Rotten Tomatoes.)This central conflict repeats, though less successfully, in several films, including “Just Friends,” and “The Hook Up” Of course, at the end of each movie, the main characters find out that they are not truly one another’s sex idiots, but actually like each other, and kiss on a bridge or something while Jason Mraz plays in the background. But the main takeaway I had here was: in a true sex idiot arrangement, neither party can romantically like the other party. Or the whole thing will be a mess.

So what happened to me and S? About a month in, S suggested we go on a proper date, to DC Restaurant Week. Now, everyone knows eating dates are a huge, intimate step for me. And I was pretty panicked about what S and I were going to talk about for one hour. But, I figured there was no harm in a meal  and I obliged.

And, I actually had a decent time. After the date, we went back to his place, and he asked me to spend the night (a “no no” for jump-offs!) and we did engage in some couch cuddling and I wore his pajamas and blah blah. And you know what? After a very nice night and morning, I never heard from him again. (OK, that’s not entirely true. I hit him up a week later for some late night lovin, and he said he was tired and I never heard from him again.)

 I wasn’t that broken up about it. He was definitely not “the one,” and, truth be told, I was running out of physical cues that I could use to feign interest when he was talking. Moreover, he and I had never explicitly defined our sex idiot partnership, and therefore, it’s quite possible he wanted more/less and was sick and tired of just hanging out every time I saw a really sensual episode of the Good Wife and needed to blow off some steam. Who knows?

My point is. Pop culture is always right. Keep sex idiots around purely for sex. Don’t try to blur the lines. Unless, of course, you’re Robin Thicke featuring T.I and Pharell:

Sorry I’m not sorry readers. That song is catchy.

*The blog giveaway is NBD. When these posts get published into a book, you’ll get a free signed copy. Now all we need is an agent. Sigh.

 

JDate: The worst thing to happen to Jews since…

…they started putting  bacon in mac and cheese, of course. Did you think I was going to make a really offensive Holocaust joke or something? Puh-leez.

I have been waiting for the day to write about how Jdate is the worst since I joined back in May. Now that my subscription has expired (PS-Up yours autorenew! You cannot con this Jew into parting with her hard-earned dollars in return for a Red Sea of NOTHINGNESS), and I’ve stopped seeing the guys I met on there, and I’ve caught up on all the episodes of New Girl I missed before the new season started, I can finally record the long -awaited rant that has been living in my head.

I can divide my hatred of Jdate into two categories. 

1) Hated the user experience

2) Hated the people

User experience

1) Hideous graphics and homepage. First of all, remember Friendster? From the early 2000s? Or, as I like to call it, Myspace’s perverted uncle? Facebook’s annoying great grandmother? It was this really JV social networking site that people used in late high school and early college, and it looked something like this:

friendster

That, my friends, is what Jdate looks like now. Its homepage is a mishmash of small fonts, and confusing directions, and tiny, low quality pictures of Jews. I mean, if Jdate gets as lucky as Friendster, and is repurchased and flipped into a gaming site for Southeast Asians, then it should consider itself blessed. Because it looks like it was designed by two blind programmers over the age of 65, who have just discovered HTML for the first time. (Yes, I made a programming joke. Engineers, holler at me!)

2. Profile Nazis. Sorry/I’m not sorry about the inappropriate historical reference. Jdate brings it on themselves, by monitoring every single word you put on your profile like it’s a police state. You can’t make any changes to your profile, not even so much as correcting a typo or adding a comma, without receiving the following message.

approval by customer care

(Disclaimer: I made this up and promptly deleted it so as not to give away real details about myself. I will say, this is a much cooler biography than my real one, so I was tempted to leave it up and see what happened.)

For godsakes Jdate! How many people work for Customer Care that you have the bandwidth to monitor every single update? (And, PS: I think you’d be MUCH better served investing in a few new software engineers to do a full site overhaul!) And what are you guys looking for any way? Veracity? Anti semitism? Pro Palestine propaganda? Tasteless Jewish jokes (well, look no further than this blog!). Newsflash, Jdate Customer Care, the NSA is watching everything we say already. I don’t need you to do it too.

3. Features that make no sense. I’ve been a pretty big fan of OKC’s approach to creating online dating profiles. A picture, a short bio written in response to some witty prompts, and answers to some revealing questions are PLENTY for me to decide if I’d like to go out with you or not. Jdate has the picture and profile thing down, but really misses the mark on other features that are intended to help users get to know each other. My personal least favorite? Something called Kibitz Corner. What is that, you ask? Well, this is what “kibitz” means:

kibitz defined

Oh, my. What an attractive thing to do to someone you’re trying to woo! One of the first things I do on dates is try to offer the other party some unwelcome advice. (i.e. “Is that a mole? You should really see a dermatologist!”) I mean, honestly, can you think of anything less appealing than unwelcome advice from a stranger? (To be fair, I do dole out my share of unwelcome advice, but it’s to friends and family only.) But apparently Jdate thinks it will endear people to each other if they could all start bossing one another around before meeting in person. In reality, Kibitz corner is really a poor man’s OKC questions (Given the clientele of Jdate, I find it funny they’d do a “poor man’s”  anything! Ahahaha! Tastless joke # 4. I really can’t resist). 

Here’s the way Kitbitz Corner works:

Jdate poses a question to its users, and then anyone from anywhere in the world can just randomly answer it.

kibbitz corner

 

 

OK, first of all, please know this answer is from some person who lives MILES away from me and who is a WOMAN, but Jdate thinks I’d be super interested in it anyway. I can also choose to send this question to a friend to answer!

4. Finally, just like Match.com, Jdate charges you for everything. All you can actually do on the site is Browse members. If you want to receive a message, or a “flirt” (another terrifying, Jdate only feature through which users can send each other really corny pick up lines that are pre-crafted, presumably by the geniuses on their Customer Care team, like “With a smile like that, why are you still single?”), you have to have a paying subscription. Now, I understand that this is par for the course on most dating websites. But, the thing I HATE about Jdate, is you can’t tell who is a paying member and who isn’t. So, half the time, people are messaging people who aren’t even able to receive email. Now, these messages wait in your inbox until you get a paying subscription. I had actually snuck on Jdate in February when I first started internet dating, just to see what was out there, but never paid for it till May. This means I had an inbox of messages that were 3 months old, that I felt really weird acting on. What would I say–“Hi Abraham Cohen Goldstein. Are you still single?” This also gave me supreme anxiety about sending any messages myself, since I wasn’t sure if they were going to be successful. Of course, every time you sign on, Jdate bombards you with “specials” and tries to get you to get a subscription:

jdate sale

Jdate, the jig is up. While the chosen people do LOVE a good bargain, we’re also smart and we’re hip to your game. You’re always having a sale. No one would actually pay the outrageous full prices for your service. 

The people

Once you figure out how to use the confusing and somewhat irrelevant site and find profiles of people of your preferred gender, I’d like to tell you things get better. But they don’t.

I will stop for a moment and say that I am speaking only in my personal opinion. I have a wonderful friend who has met tons of guys on Jdate who she’s really enjoyed. She was the one who urged me to get on Jdate in the first place. But my experience on Jdate can be summed up in one full sentence: I hate my people and they hate me.

Now, readers, especially Jewish readers. If this is upsetting you, please calm down. Obviously I love my Jewish friends and family. And I did have some real anxiety about posting this frank diatribe. I said to co-blogger S:

jdate gchat 1

Lucky for you readers, S and I share an irreverant sense of humor.

gchat rant clean

So, just to be clear, don’t take me too seriously. COUGHnsaCOUGH.

Now, let me continue to criticize my people:

1) I received WAYYYY too many messages from people who did not live in the vicinity. Now, again, I recognize this is a problem on every dating site. Tacosdelish is frequently messaged by Thai bankers and Swedish millionaires who cannot resist the smell of her farts. But, the number of out of state, OUT OF COUNTRY, messages I received on Jdate was alarming. Sorry Isaac from Tel Aviv! Momma’s not available to CHAT! (And PS, lots of messages were from guys who live in Israel. Isn’t Israel one big Jdate? Hate to break it to you guys, but if you can’t find a Jewish girl there, you can’t find one anywhere).

2) Thirty percent of men’s profiles reference their moms.  I would say that one in three profiles contains one or more of the following statements:

“Looking for a nice Jewish girl who I can bring home to mom”

“Looking for a girl who cooks like my mom”

“My mom made me get on this site.”

“My mom and dad have taught me a lot about relationships.”

I am totally down with guys who love and respect their mothers. But the fact that they are already referencing them on an online dating site makes me a little nervous.

I’m not trying to end up with Buster Bluth:

buster GIF

3) They are a little too, you know, Jewish. I know, you’re shaking your head. Or your fist. What did you expect, L? You are on a site for Jewish Singles. You’re really too much. Listen, I never said I wasn’t crazy. I’m soldiering on with my last complaint.

My very wise friend K advised me at the beginning of this experiment that I might encounter some real Jews:

katie jdate

*Editor’s note: K is also half Jewish. Though evidently, not a “Sabbath goer.”

Welp, K was right, as she almost always is. Every J I went out with, at one point in the night or another, wanted to talk with me about my Judaism.

“So, how often do you go to synagogue?”

“Are both your parents Jewish?”

“Are you doing anything for the high holidays?”

“MAZEL TOV!”

What I learned from this experience is I’m not nearly in touch with my Jewish side enough to field these questions with a straight face, even thouhg they are perfectly legit questions. So sue me! (Actually, Js, don’t sue me. I don’t have any money. It will be a waste of time.)

Despite all my Jhate, I am glad I tried Jdate. I had a really good time with a couple of guys on the site, which means, readers, that you have more fall blogging material coming your way. In the meanwhile, if you didn’t get your fix of “self-loathing Jew-mour,” I leave you with this gem:

Message Monday: A biography

Hello friends! Here’s a little message Monday action from my least favorite dating site in the world, Jdate. As the end of my 3 month trial subscription nears, my rage towards the site compounds daily. I can’t wait to write a full on diatribe about the site, but until then, I’ll just treat you to this GEM of a message I received:

Message Monday-very long  with edits

First of all, holy god (Or should I say, Yahway?)this is is long. Buddy, I’m not reading this shiz on a KIndle. I’d not trying to harken back to my University days when I had 200 pages to read per night. Please edit yourself.

Now, let’s begin analyzing this text further. I appreciate you stating that I do not have to be a mirror image of you. I know I have not wanted to date a mirror image of myself. According to my uncle, my closest mirror image looks something like this:

Official Portrait of Justice Sonia Sotomayor

A wise Latina, yes. Someone I am attracted to, no. Sorry Sonia.

I also appreciate you letting me know that while Delaware is not that far away, there are places that are further away, like Zimbabwe or other countries in Africa. I suppose this means I must cancel my subscription to “Date a Bushman” or “Aboriginals Finding Love.” Too far away! Indeed, Delaware is my limit.

I especially enjoyed the portion of this message where you detail not only your resume, but also the educational history of your family members. One of my criteria for a relationship is “where your mom went to college.” It’s right up there with “strong feelings on domesticated animals” and “how many staplers you have on your desk.”

Lastly, good sir, in future messages, I suggest you refrain from drawing attention to the fact that you are out of shape, or other unattractive physical features. I mean, we all have our flaws.  Lord knows I have mine–I just admitted that a middle aged Supreme Court Justice is my celebrity Doppelganger. But I’m not messaging men and saying, “I do get the occasional zit on my chin, and know I should probably do something about my under eye circles. But you should have seen me in college! At least I’ve lost 20 pounds. I’ve made significant strides!!”

Put another tally in the L column for Jdate! And have good week readers!

 

The truth about cats (and dogs) and me

Pop quiz: Why has L been so neglectful about posting on the blog?

A. I was temporarily kidnapped by a date, and held captive until yesterday. Hold on to your seats readers, this post is gonna be a doozy!

B. I am seriously dating someone I met online, and we’ve been so busy going on romantic getaways and sexy staycations that I haven’t had time to post. 

C. I have been buried under a giant, fat, un-glamorous mountain of work.

I didn’t make this a real poll, because I knew most of you would pick C, which is OF COURSE, the correct answer, and it would further depress me that even strangers from the internet can tell what a sad little life I lead.

WHOMP. WHOMP.  I know, I know. Who invited Debbie Downer? (Um…Tina, and Amy, and Kristin, that’s who!)

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/debbie-downer–dress-rehearsal/n12817/

Anyway…I have carved out a little time in the past month for some dates. I decided to join JDate recently, fantasizing that it would be full of smart, nerdy-cute, doting men who were lining up to go out with me. I’ll be writing a longer review after a more legitimate time period on the site, but in case you are just dying for a preview, here it is:

IF JEWS THOUGHT THAT THE DESERT WE ALLEGEDLY WANDERED IN FOR 40 YEARS WAS THE MOST BARREN WASTELAND WE’D EVER ENCOUNTER, THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVEN’T BEEN ON JDATE FOR 3 WEEKS.

I suppose there is still time to turn it around, but in the meanwhile, I’ve only been out with one guy from the site. N, a high school teacher in his late thirties with a short stature and an adorable face. He sent me a nice, to the point message, and 1-2 messages later, asked me out for drinks. We agreed to meet at an Irish Pub known for its whiskey selection. I wasn’t really sure what to expect–his profile was pretty bare bones, and except for his job and the fact that he had nieces, I remembered very little about him by the time we  met at the bar. I actually prefer not to scour people’s profiles too closely (beyond, of course, a diligent read of OKC dealbreaker questions), because I enjoy finding out about them on the date. 

N did not subscribe to this philosophy. He spent a good deal of the date QUOTING MY JDATE PROFILE back to me. For example:

“Remember when you said you loved the shore, but other people call it the beach?” 

“Do you want hot sauce? You said it could improve any meal!” (Yes, readers, I broke my eating rule because I was having a decent time and we were drinking WHISKEY and I didn’t want to vom at the table. Remember, stupidcupid bloggers are consistently inconsistent about rules).

“You moved to DC in 2009, right? “

There are more examples, but I fear I will literally GIVE MY IDENTITY AWAY, if I include all the details this guy remembered. Now, before you all pile on (COUGHReddit), and say, “OMG how can she be criticizing this guy for reading her profile and referencing things she’s interested in, he’s just being thoughtful, I know why she is single, what a man-eater, blah blah blah,” please remember that I was not weirded out that he remembered my profile. I was weirded out that, throughout the date, he quoted the entire thing VERBATIM. And when I mentioned I had a brother, he said, “I know. He is standing next you in picture 3 on your profile wearing a red jacket.” It was just a little too close to this:

fatal attraction

Also, that was one of two things that went a bit wrong. The second was this exchange:

N: So, do you like pets?

L: Pets? Well I don’t have any, but I do really like dogs. 

N: Do you like cats? I really want to know how you feel about cats!

L: Ohh, I’m really allergic to cats. (TRUTH: Not only am I really allergic to cats, but I also HATE THEM. With a  passion that could take up 100 posts. But I refrained from sharing that, cause I figured the phrase, “hate with the fire of 1000 suns” should not come up till a second date, at least.)

N: Oh god. Oh no.

L: What? Is everything okay?

N: I just have two cats. And I’m not ready to give them up.

L: (Bewildered look on face). Oh, um, you don’t have to?

N: I mean, you can’t live with them AT ALL?

L: Umm…I haven’t really thought about it. (Desperately changes subject to something neutral). My best friend had a lot of cats growing up. They lived in her basement.

N: Oh.

L: So, how many years do you think your cats have left? 

Now, to N’s credit, my last line was probably the most epic fail of the conversation. Who asks someone else about when their BELOVED pets are going to die? What were you thinking, L?

But, the bottom line was, this guy was thinking way too seriously for me. I mean, if I was in committed relationship with someone, and we were thinking about moving in together, then we should definitely have this conversation. But, I just met this guy. And even though we were having a good time (once you get past the whole “profile quoting/possible stalker” thing and the “asking about the possible death of someone important to you” thing), there was no need to consider giving up our pets.

After the date, we said polite goodbyes and N asked if I wanted to get together again. I said, “Um…maybe? You can give me a call?”

Maybe it was my tepid response, or the fact that he was not ready to get rid of the cats (or let me get rid of them for him), or just that we didn’t click. But I didn’t hear from N again. I wish him the best, and hope that he has found a cat loving woman who enjoys a man whispering sweet nothings that she originally wrote on her JDate profile into her ear.

Date rating: 7/10. 5 points alone for plying me with Jameson all night.