Catfishing on a slow day: Chats with Tacosdelish

Ever wondered what the worst of humanity looks like and sounds like? Or where they are hanging out? Well folks, if you want an answer to that question, just go ahead and create a fake online dating profile.

Many months ago, a commenter altered me to this original piece, which demonstrates, in SCARY detail, just how far some individuals COUGHmenCOUGH will go to try to score with a somewhat attractive living, breathing person.

Now, if you have ever read this blog before, you are probably acquainted with my dear friend and alter ego, Tacosdelish. And if you’re new, welcome! I strongly advise you read this Introduction toTacos post partially for your amusement and partially for your safety, but in the meanwhile, let me summarize: Tacosdelish is my second, fake online dating profile where I take on the personality of a gaseous, gluttonous Chechen with an extra thumb. A few months back, OKC nudged Tacos incessantly to add a photo, so my friend and I googled, “mediocre looking girl” and slapped a blurry head shot from a random catalog up there (I am confident the model in this picture is either 20 years older by now or so significantly airbrushed she won’t recognize herself).

The new, cute picture resulted in the number of messages Tacos received SKYROCKETING through the roof. She also receives some unsavory chats, usually from “funcouple232” soliciting her immediate availability for a weird combination of a threesome and a poetry reading.

Usually, I immediately press ignore when I get chat requests on Tacos. But, thanks to the lack of new Sunday night programming on my favorite networks yesterday, (THANKS GRAMMYS! NO ONE WATCHES YOU, BTW!), I was performing a lackluster search on Tacos when a chat box from a fine young fella in the MD suburbs popped up, and I decided to engage with him a bit. And boy, am I glad I did:

terrifying chat part 1

First of all, let’s thank Bachelor #1 here for cutting to the chase. Even though he claimed to be a college student in his profile, he wasn’t scared off by Tacos’s information, which indicates that she’s 38 years old. I actually meant to type, “I think I’m friends with your mom,” which would have been scarier and funnier. However, this guy was not concerned with my wit. He was also not concerned with the fact that Tacos’s proclivity for guns matched that of a mass murderer. What would it take to scare this guy? I tried a different tactic:

terrifying chat part 2

That’s right. I was going to turn him off by misspelling things. Oh, and mentioning devil worship. And mentioning I was a DIY plastic surgeon. Oh, and mentioning I stole from my employer. But still, he did not relent. When he asked why I joined OKC, I replied:

terrifying chat part 3

Identity theft is real folks. Just ask these guys:

But yet, he replied:

terrifying chat part 4

CHECK MATE, SIR. I f you were trying to beat Tacos at her own game by being perverse, offensive, and just plain random, you have WON . I tip my hat to you!

Upon receiving this response from him, I promptly signed out of Tacos’s chat, fully disgusted by the whole exchange. (I also didn’t know which answer would be in the negative, yes or titties? They both sounded affirmative to me.)

I mean, I cannot lie, I did get a full seven minutes of LOL-ing out of this, and if you did too readers, we may make chats with Tacos a regular section on the blog. 

And you thought this winter would be cold and boring…

Message Monday: Fun with guns

So remember my fear of nuclear war, readers? (Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to–I am not THAT big of a narcissist–that’s why I back linked my post.) Want to know what scares me as much, if not more, than nuclear war?

Guns.

I hate them. I think they are mean, cruel, killing, machines. I don’t even want to spend time debating with you about the second amendment. I don’t want to hear all about your great family hunting hobby that resulted in everyone killing their own food and eating sustainably. My closest real life experience with a gun was about four years ago, when I had to confiscate a .38 special and some stray bullets from one of my fourth graders. #truestory #noIdidnotteachinBaltimore. So if you’re a gun lover, we’re going to have to agree to disagree here. Cause I also hate conflict.

Oh what’s that you say? Stop ranting about your political views? This is a dating blog, and we’re all here to hear a story along the lines of “hideous adventures on the internet and why you’re still single.” OK OK, message received. Well, one of the reasons I am still single is because this is who is reaching out to me:

gun message

1. Somewhere after line 2, this guy figured it wasn’t worth it to check his spelling and punctuation. And momma hates that, too.

2. While we’re on my list of fears/hates, let’s talk about emoticons. They probably come right after nuclear war and right before conflict. Emoticons are lazy. If there is an emotion you’d like to convey in writing, why not use these little things we call words?!?! No self respecting human who puts anything in print uses emoticons (*except for gchats and texts.). Otherwise 50 Shades of Grey could have been written like this:

: } 😉 :@ *) 8)

Instead of wasting his time on As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner could have just typed:

XP XP XP….

Do you get my point? 

Plus, directly translated, the emoticons in the above message don’t make any sense. According to the internet, this guy is sticking his tongue out at me and then winking.  Huh?

3. UH OH! The proposed activities: Stroll through the park or a visit to the gun range? How did this guy come up with these date ideas, one which sounds completely horrible to me? Did anyone just see what happened to Ken Cosgrove a few weeks ago on “Mad Men?” In case you didn’t:

ken cosgrove

In case you didn’t get my subtle reference, let me hit you on the head with it. He was shot in the EYE. With a GUN.

Now, to this guy’s credit, there is no way he could have known I feared guns as much as I did. Indeed, we’re an 83% match on OKC, which tells me I probably need to update my questions soon (You were right, R!). But, did he have to suggest it right off the bat? Can’t he suggest something a little more benign to do, like drinks? Or even dinner? Or SKYDIVING, for goodness sakes? But, alas, a visit to this gent’s profile reveals his passion for guns is too strong to suppress, even in an OKC message.

guns slash computer

So let’s see. This guy loves his dog, and his phone, and then oh wait–his computer/guns. Which he felt compelled to list before family and friends. What is a computer/guns BTW? Is there a situation where these two things fall into the same category?

The gun theme permeates throughout the profile:

more gun love

YIKES. First of all, the root word “kill” appears not once, but twice here under the category “I’m really good at.” Apparently, when this stunner is not making steak and pasta, he’s doing something gun related. Hopefully, when he goes to court, he’s going as a witness, and not as a defendant who accidentally killed someone with his gun.

Plus, the emoticons are back. Sigh. 

I guess it’s back to my couch for a nice date night with Cheez its and streaming these gems on Netflix:

pretty little liars

Have a great week everyone!

🙂 😉 😛