Pics of the week: croptastic

In order to explain today’s pics, I need to bore you guys for a hot second. Bear with me. When you upload a profile picture onto Okcupid, you’re prompted to crop it into a smaller thumbnail version. The small version is what appears in searches and on your profile’s homepage, so logically if your photo was taken from far away or includes other people, you can choose to zoom in on just your face so people can actually see you when browsing.  Well apparently the cool thing to do these days (and I wouldn’t know because hi, rapidly approaching 30 over here)…

youths

via: http://rednkhakirants.tumblr.com/page/3

…is to crop your profile pic like a complete asshole.

Allow me to introduce the following samples into evidence. Here’s bachelor # 1’s thumbnail picture, which appeared on my homepage:

focusin1

Admittedly harmless, but gee, I wonder who that ear and partial cheek belongs to? Probably someone super interesting. I mean, how coy. How mysterious. Let’s have a looky-loo at the rest of him, shall we? Clicking on his photo reveals…

focusin1big

A reasonably cute guy! Except he immediately kills my vibe with a newsies cap, and I have a strict no fedoras/newsies caps/pork pie hats rule. Seriously, if you’re wearing one of those, you’d better be on your way to sell some papes, or organize a child labor union with Christian Bale:

On to our next reveal, bachelor #2’s thumbnail pic:

focusin2

I mean…

karen

via: http://rednkhakirants.tumblr.com/page/2

Let’s find out, shall we?

focusin2big

What did we win? Oh just a creeper in a hoodie with gross looking cuticles. Swoon. How many failed attempts do we think it took this guy before he got the positioning juuuust right? 15? 20?

This is unrelated, but it must be noted that bachelor #2’s profile lists “going to the toilet” as one of his interests.

GrossedSNL_zps78c71cbb

via: http://s284.photobucket.com/user/Bigsteve87/media/Gifs/GrossedSNL_zps78c71cbb.gif.html

Obviously I’ve saved the best (i.e. most senseless) for last:

bb1

WHAT IS WITH MEN FLASHING THEIR BELLY BUTTONS?? Please, adult males, no belly buttons on online dating sites. Not now, not ever. I beg you.

Welp, we may as well take a look at the whole package, as it were. Behold, bachelor #3:

bb2

A classic ill-advised shirtless selfie. Some things never change.

Bottom line: women don’t need you to show us that you’re pseudo-creative, unique, ironic, or mysterious, or whatever else you think you are by cropping your picture in this senseless manner. If you need to express yourself creatively please, get an Instagram account and bore your friends with your filter choices like a normal person.

Also, I’m sure you think your weird thumbnail will catch our attention, and clearly these have caught mine, but the only thing I feel is annoyance at having to work to figure out what you look like. I just. want. to see. your. face. And if I can’t, for me it’s an automatic…

thumbs down

via: http://giphy.com/search/thumbs-down

 

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Message Monday: Come to my hotel

Who said romance was dead? Certainly not this guy, who messaged me last week:

prostitute message 5-14-2013

Now here’s the thing. I don’t mind his frankness. In fact, I like that Romeo gets straight to the point. As I’ve said before, I absolutely HATE a lot of back and forth, and appreciate when a dude takes a little initiative and suggests a time (I believe he generously provides not ONE but TWO possible days for us to hang out) and a place (his hotel). 

Now, clearly, I did not respond to this. First of all, this guy’s approach is the exact same MO used by the Craigslist killer. Exact same. I mean, if this guy is, in fact, a killer, he should probably change it up a bit, because there are about 50 Wikipedia and news articles linking him to Phillip Markoff. 

But, secondly,and even more offensively, this guy is a union buster. A scab. A strikebreaker. Sir, I have no problem if you want to top off your business trip with a lil somethin’ somethin’. Better men than you have done the same thing:

But, be a good American, and pay for your services. A google search of “escorts DC” (Hi there, NSA!) reveals that there are several lovely websites, clubs, and phone numbers you can call to get someone to come to your hotel for “some fun.” I am not about to undercut working girls by giving out the same goods for free. So buddy, I urge you to call “Appealing Act,”* and leave the good ladies of OKC to hang out with guys who will at least buy us a drink before asking us to give it up. And readers, I leave you with this glorious nod to organized labor. Long live unions!

*Please know, that during the researching of this post, I accidently added Appealing Act’s Google Plus page to my “family” circle, and had to spend the last 30 minutes figuring out how to remove them. #winningattheinternet