I’ve viewed quite a lot of profiles during this online dating journey. And I’ll likely view a lot more before this journey is over. Some profiles are great – they provide some substantive info while also being funny and/or a little self-deprecating. Most fall somewhere between good and mediocre (mine included). Filling out a profile about yourself is awkward and not really that easy, so I’m not super picky about how expertly you distilled yourself into okcupid’s 8 or 9 “essays”.  And besides, I’m not on here to go around judging everyone (obviously I make some judgments), I’m on here to meet people. Awesome profile doesn’t always translate into awesome person anyway. That said, I have come across some things that made me move on immediately, before I’d even read through the whole profile.  Below is a sampling:

1) A professed love of cuddling. I’ve seen this a lot. I like cuddling a normal amount. And it would be nice if my future guy enjoyed it as well. But when a guy goes so far as to publicly declare cuddling as one of his favorite things to do or something that he’s good at, I become wary. It’s a weird thing to put in a profile. Either he’s saying it because he thinks it’s what women want to hear, or he really does LOVE cuddling. The reason the former is a red flag is obvious. The latter is a red flag because I do not like a ton of physical contact (like texting, I prefer this in moderation). And it’s cool if he does, it’s pretty much the only thing on this list that doesn’t make me think any less of him. I’m instantly more attracted to a man wearing Carhartt – everyone has their thing. But for someone who doesn’t really like to be touched all that much (I guess maybe I actually don’t like cuddling a normal amount?), I wouldn’t mesh well with someone who loves to cuddle.

2) Repeated mentions of a stuffed animal rodent that you named after a destructive piece of machinery and regularly “converse” with. There is a 98% chance that you sir are, or will one day become, a serial killer. My desire not to be your first victim is what prompted me to describe your overly philosophical “best friend” in vague terms here, because I’m afraid that if I were to state his name and species you would somehow find me and it would end very, very badly.  Probably with the use of your little buddy’s namesake.

3) Listing “copious lubrication” as 1 of the 6 things you can’t live without. I can’t even explain how uncomfortable reading that made me (though if you know me, you probably can imagine).

4) Starting a profile with a 12 paragraph poem about love. This does not make you seem smart or artistic or sensitive or whatever it is that you were going for. Unless what you were going for was Pretentious Asshole, in which case you nailed it.

5) Responding positively to the question “Would you role play a rape fantasy if your partner asked?” I feel no need to expand further on this, other than to say that I am disgusted that this is even a question, and horrified that guys answer “yes” far more frequently than I thought they would.

6) Mentioning that you’re married and looking for friends, and might be interested in sex, but I would have to meet your wife first. Either you’re in an open relationship, or you’re looking for a threesome. Whatever floats your boat dude, what you do behind closed doors is your business. But that’s not my cup of tea, so I’m going to move along.

7) Advertising your side-job as a male-prostitute, and that “Girls usually describe me as the cute guy next door. My big dick is usually a total surprise.” I’m not really sure what the correlation between those 2 things is, is that combination a rare phenomenon? (Don’t answer that). I am sure that you’re blocked from ever contacting me.

8) Using emoticons. One smiley face might be ok. But mostly, using any emoticon, especially winky faces or the one where you’re sticking your tongue out, just leads me to believe you’re a 13 year old girl.

9) Stating that you like to hang out at the mall. I’m sorry, What?  This is not Fast Times at Ridgemont High or Mallrats. It’s time to grow up. Since you seem to be stuck in high school, here’s an SAT themed hint: malls :: teenagers as bars :: adults. Try it!

10) A profile that is blank, except for 1 photo of you. This isn’t actually so much a red flag. It’s just totally useless to me.

Dating seems even more daunting when faced with the reality that these people are what’s out there…

-D

P.S. Speaking of Mallrats, here’s a little Fun Fact about me: whilst at a video store (so oldschool!) with my boyfriend senior year of high school, he insisted we rent Mallrats because it was his favorite movie and he thought I should give it another chance. As I hated Mallrats, I insisted we also rent Cinderella 2: Dreams Come True, which had just been released straight to video. He good-naturedly agreed, and then I fell asleep while we were watching my selection because I didn’t actually care about it. I think this anecdote sums both of us up perfectly: he was a good boyfriend, I was am an antagonistic lunatic. Crazy that I’m still single right?