Author Archives: L

Message Monday: You’re definitely not my type

Posted on by

1

A few days ago, this charmer reached out to me:

message monday not my type

First of all, the first sentence reeks of enthusiasm. I always use “apparently” to convey how thrilled I am about something.

“Apparently, Microsoft Outlook has decided not to work today.”

“I got a parking ticket because, apparently, there was street cleaning on Tuesday night. Even though the sign said Wednesday.”

“Apparently, my ex thinks it’s still ok to list me as his emergency contact.”

In his next sentence, this guy elaborates on just how annoyed he is we’ve been matched. My favorite phrase: “you’re definitely not my type.” Really, buddy? Am I SO not your type that you actually had to contact me to share that? Instead of just clicking away from my profile like a normal person? Are you writing Sallybot and the folks at OKCupid an angry customer email because they mismatched us so egregiously?

Thirdly, if you’re looking for an old spinster, you should probably stop online dating, since most old people use the internet to get on AOL and search for things on Ask.com. 

Lastly, what does, “can you please help me” mean? Can I help him connect with an older woman who might die soon? Can I help him find better matches on OKCupid? No sir, I cannot help you. 

I mean, it’s quite possible that this guy just loves sarcasm, and I will admit that, if a similar pick-up line were delivered in person, or by Chandler Bing, I might even find it funny. (I mean, it is funny. That’s why I am posting about it).

But the thing is, there is also a chance that this guy is serious, in which case: he bruised my fragile ego, and basically admitted to having homicidal tendencies when it comes to partners. And that chance is enough for me to press delete.

My first truly terrible date

Posted on by

12

Like D, I have been light on the date posts recently. This is because the guys I’ve been out with in the past month fall into two categories:

1) Guys who are so dull I literally could not write an interesting post about our dates unless I were to get up in the middle of the them and set the bar on fire or commit a similar crime.

OR

2) Guys who I’ve seen again/wanted to see again because the date has gone well.

However, last week, that changed. I had my first date with someone whose personality I truly detested. And, I thought TGFTB (thank god for the blog), because otherwise all I would have had to show for it was 40 terrible minutes of my life that I’d never get back (and a lovely dose of textual harassment).

A seemed like perfectly normal guy when he messaged me. We shared a love of the Boss and of ice cream, and he cut to the chase and asked me out pretty quickly. He was a PE teacher, and I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that I was hoping he’d turn out a lot like this:

coach taylor

And not like this:

coach carr

He looked like neither, but as long as he didn’t look like this (editor’s note: Ms. Stoeger! This is why we’re friends, L):

ms stoeger

I figured I’d give him a chance.

Anyway, A and I agreed to meet for frozen yogurt on a Friday afternoon. Afternoon dates are not ideal, because you are meeting a stranger without the social crutches of 1) alcohol and 2) dim lighting. But we were both pretty busy, and I figured the silver lining of the afternoon date is that, if it goes poorly, I could end it quickly.

I arrived at the froyo place and we got in line to order. He was slightly ahead of me, and when we got to the end of the counter, the cashier asked, “Together or separate?”  And A, who BTW, is 38 years old, literally 10 years older than me, and gainfully employed, and asked ME out, says, “Separate.” 

EXCUSE ME

Now, I am a very progressive sista who has NO QUALMS about paying my own way. But, I found this rude. If I had been first in line, I would have said “together” and thrown down my card. Cause it’s a date. Otherwise we might as well be two strangers just buying frozen yogurt around the same time. So, I began the date a little put-off (Does this guy not think I’m worth 6 dollars? Is he going on so many dates that treating for froyo has become a prohibitive cost??) But, I decide to put the beginning aside and try to have a good time. We make the usual small talk: where we grew up, siblings, jobs, etc. He’s talking about being a gym teacher, and I say, “Oh, how do you like it?” And he says, “That’s a STUPID question. Of course I’m going to tell you I like it. We just met. It would look terrible if I hated my job.”

OK, buddy. Can I offer you an Ativan and a reality check?

1) Don’t call someone you just met 5 minutes ago STUPID. How old are you? Oh that’s right, 38!!!

2) There are a lot of nice, normal ways to answer that question that go beyond “yes.” For example, you could say, “Yeah–it’s really interesting. Sometimes it’s too much chaos for me, but it’s a small price to pay for how much fun I have spending time with kids.” Or you could say, “It’s OK. I’m thinking I might want to do something that has broader impact and more variety in what the day to day looks like.”

Despite my rapidly increasing horror, we continue to chat. He mentions he likes movies. I’m like, “Oh cool! What are some great movies you’ve seen recently? And he says, “Well I just saw Zero Dark Thirty. But unfortunately, people were misbehaving in the theater and really ruined my experience.” 

“Oh, what happened? ” I asked, hoping to hear a funny story about two people getting it on in front of him, an old man releasing a toxic fart, or some children having a temper tantrum. You know, NORMAL THINGS TO BE ANNOYED ABOUT AT THE MOVIES.

“Well I caught two people texting on their phones during the movie.”So I had to speak with the usher and ask that they be removed from the theater. That’s against the rules.”

HUH? This guy has a legitimate social disability!! Get me out of here!  I figure at this point, all I can do is wolf down this froyo, make up some excuse about having to go back to work, and exit gracefully. Except, the next thing A says to me is: “Do people ever tell you that you talk REALLY fast?”

(I do talk fast. And people tell me that A LOT. In a MUCH more polite ways than this guy just did). “Oh yeah,” I said, trying to laugh it off. “I just get really excited about things I guess. Can you not understand me?” 

A said, “I can, but I just thought you should know that.”

I said, “Thanks.”

Finally, I finish my froyo, check my phone and confirm I’ve been there a respectable 30 + minutes and I can bounce. “Sorry,” I told him, “Something has come up and I have to go back to work.”

So we walk outside, where I am prepared to salute this guy, or, at most, give him a firm handshake, and be on my way. Before I can move, he PULLS me into a very close hug, rubs his hands up and down my back and says, “I had a really good time. I’d love to see you again.”

say what

Good sir, you have spent the last 30 minutes insulting me and blatantly sharing your distaste for humanity and anything fun. There is no country, no religion, no culture, in which this would be considered, by anyone, a good time. But, do I say this? No. Because I am literally scared that this guy is mentally ill and if I irritate him there is a 50% chance he’ll stab me in the street. So I say, “Umm ok, just text me…” and then I SPRINT away. 

I put A out of my memory ASAP, hoping that I wouldn’t have to deal with a message from him for a few days. That night, I was out with friends for beers and basketball when I get a text from A:

a text 1

Hmm. I don’t know how to respond to that. It was NOT nice meeting you A. And I hope this weekend you trip and fall down the stairs. But I don’t want to type something nasty to anyone, let alone a confirmed psychopath, so I ignore the text for now. And besides, I don’t return every text I receive instantly, especially if someone isn’t asking me a time sensitive question.

So the next afternoon, I am getting ready to go to a babysitting job and my phone beeps. And, guess who it is? It’s A:

a text 2

Is he SERIOUS?

1) It’s been less than 24 hours buddy. It’s not like you texted 911. I have a job, and friends, and a life. Sorry if exchanging faux-pleasantries with you isn’t #1 on my weekend to-do list.

2) Again, you were a HORRIFIC date. You’re lucky I’m not using your full freaking name on this blog so women across the DMV area can be spared 6 dollars and your company. So pardon me if I’m not itching to communicate with you and hear more stories about how you tattle on people in movie theaters.

3) If you had actually texted and asked me out again, I would have happily rejected you. If someone asks me out again and I’m not interested, I always write a nice, polite rejection. And the responses I receive following the rejection are more normal, and nicer, than the text I just received from you.

4) This is the world of online dating. Sometimes, you reach out to someone, and you don’t hear back.  It sucks, but it happens. Remember that we’re all still basically strangers, and while it’s impolite to not respond indefinitely to someone you’re never met, people still do it. And I can guarantee you, no one has ever gained anything from sending a hostile text.

I really hope that’s the last I hear from A. And please know, the only PE teacher I’ll be spending time with this week is:

sue sylvester

P. S.: Ya’ll, I can’t tell you how many hours spent googling “PE TEACHER”  “famous coach,” etc. went into the creation of this post. It’s straight up embarrassing.

Message Monday: Frozen Dinner/Death

Posted on by

2

I selected this message because it’s more typical than you, naive reader, who is not prowling the bowels of the internet for dates, might like to believe. Behold the magic below:

message monday 3-25-2013

First of all,  thanks for the compliment good sir. I do not find you attractive, since you have no picture.

Now, let’s discuss this “romantic” dinner:

1) As soon as I arrive, I’d like you to take my coat, crank up the jams, and pour me some booze. Please refrain from pulling me close until I’ve a) had several glasses of wine or b) you’ve cooked me a delicious meal and dazzled me with your conversation. And NO WHISPERING PLEASE. Whispering is for mean girls and for creepy murders. We’re alone in your apartment presumably, so not sure what’s preventing you from using a normal voice.

2) Are you being paid by an ad agency to do online dating product placement? In the span of 3 sentences, you’ve managed to cite two grocery store brands, both of which are popular with middle aged moms with children. Plus, everyone knows that Trader Joe’s makes the best frozen dinners. Momma’s not settling for no Birdseye.

3) Wait. BACK. THE. TRUCK. UP. Did you just offer me a frozen dinner? And grape juice in a wine glass? I know my profile screams classy broad, but let’s not overdo it. Save a little romance for the next guy.

4) Never ever ever mention your freezer in your message. As you may have noticed, a common thread throughout all of our blog posts is the nagging worry, “IS THIS GUY GOING TO CHOP ME UP AND PUT ME IN HIS FREEZER?” And you’ve gone and mentioned the freezer in your first message. Excuse me while I pepper spray my computer!  Mindy Kaling’s not the only woman who is going to be sleeping with a knife under her pillow tonight!

5) Also, you would “proceed to a wine glass with Welch’s grape juice” and…do what? Why does your message abruptly cut off? Is it because you’re literally so lazy you cannot be bothered to finish your sentences or is because the sentence would’ve ended with … “and drop a roofie into your glass” or “and then slap a rag with chloroform over your mouth?” I’m kinda relieved I didn’t find out.

Dos and Donts: Giving good date

Posted on by

6

So, after 6 or 7 first dates, I’ve noticed a couple of patterns.  There are several things a guy can do or say that will make or break his chances of me saying yes to another date or not. There are also several things I’ve learned to do on dates, that, I believe, lead the guys I’ve gone out with to have a good time and ask me out again. (Actually, who knows why they ask me out again? Maybe it’s because i’m also gifted at silent, motionless hypnosis.)

DO

1. Show up looking like the person in your picture (or better). The experience with George Constanza has left me rather traumatized. Please please please, show up resembling the image you posted online. There is nothing more distracting than when you’re trying to determine whether or not a date has had recent plastic surgery or was vain enough to generously airbrush his profile photo. This also helps me recognize you, so I am not awkwardly lurking at the bar, smiling at every 20 and 30 something gentleman that sits down alone. In return, I promise to brush my hair, wear makeup, and put on clean clothes that fit, just like I have in all my carefully chosen OKC pictures.

2. Make eye contact. I know you’re nervous. I’m nervous. Before walking out the door, I spent 5-10 minutes doing something resembling this, ok?:

But I urge you to put those nerves aside, and look at me. It makes me feel like 1) you find me attractive 2) you’re listening and 3) you’re not actively checking out other girls. 

3. Ask INTERESTING questions: All we know about each other so far is that we both love pancakes and Netflix, and that we have a difference of opinion on the Hot Pocket. There is a lot of potential for making new connections, jokes, etc, if only you’d just ask some questions to get to know me better. Ask me about my family, friends, hobbies, job, pets. Follow-up when I provide short answers (i.e., So you grew up in Alaska, what was that like? See any Eskimos?). On a first date, I would say I spend 60% of my time just asking the guy questions. The goal is not to make them feel like they’re a chief murder suspect, but to learn more about them. And, in turn, I hope these guys want to learn more about me. Sadly, I have gone through first dates where the guy has not asked me a single question aside from my drink order. Those first dates were also last dates.

4. Read up on your current events: Say we’ve run out of appropriate personal information to share with one another. This is when I feel really lucky that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are still together and that Congress hasn’t accomplished anything since 1965. Gives us something to talk about, right? Well, not if I say something like, “so, do you think Oscar Pistorius is guilty?”, and he says, “who?” And then I say, “you know, the guy from the Olympics with a prosthetic limb,” and he says, “never heard of the Olympics.” DUDE–throw me a bone here!! On the other hand, you score major points with me if you can tell me something I don’t know. For example, did you know that most Groundhogs are born in April or May? Neither did I, till I went out with a pretty cool guy on Groundhog day.

DON’T

1. Give one word answers: I went out with a guy a month or so ago and the conversation went something like this:

Me: So do you like living in DC?

Him: Yes.

Me: Me too! It’s a great city because there are a ton of fun cultural places to go, but also it has some quiet spots to walk and escape into nature. What do you like about it?

Him: Everything.

Me: Well, where is your favorite place you ever lived?

Him: I’ve only lived in DC.

Me: So, is your family here?

Him: No.

Me: Neither is mine. Well, my aunts live here, but my parents are a couple hours away in Philly. And my brother lives in California. I wish I got to see him more. Do you have siblings??

Him: Yes. One brother.

I’ll stop here, so you don’t fall asleep reading this post like I did on my date. I mean, this guy acted like I was really putting him out by each conversation topic. I felt like Beth in Wet Hot American Summer when she asks Andy to clean up:

And that ain’t sexy.

2. Obsessively ask about my online dating history: Yes, I want you to ask questions and make conversation. There are a few topics I want you to steer clear of though, and one of them is my dating history. It’s our first date buddy, and we met on the ebay for relationships. It’s going to take more than an Amstel Light to get me to open up to you about my dating past, and it’s going to take several tequila shots before I tell you about every single other person I’ve met online. So please don’t ask. And, please know I’m fine without you telling me things like, “This is only the third time I’ve gotten someone from OKC to go out with me. And the other girls were pretty crazy.” Thanks for the compliment, son.

3. Criticize what I am eating or drinking: I mean, you can tease me for ordering a Miller Light at a cocktail bar. But don’t say, “I really like mussels too, but I’d never order them on a date,” while I’m extracting the lil mollusk from its shell. You will make me insecure, and worse, you might ruin my appetite.

There’s a lot more to say on this topic, so this post will be one of many. Got a good first date conversation topic? Email us at stucublog@gmail.com Happy Friday everyone!

 

Pic of the week: Face or Butt?

Posted on by

2

When I was browsing my profile visitors the other day, this little ditty caught my eye:

pic of the week 3-6-2013

Sorry you had to see this friends! And very sorry, any friends who opened this at work or near children.

First, let’s talk about what’s on everyone’s mind. What is this image? Is it a head? Is it a chin? Is it a butt?

This reminds me of those tricky pictures people used to show you in junior high school art class to make the point “people see different things in images?” Remember this one? I always saw the old lady first, which, according to Ms. Fleming, meant that I was “closer to the end of life,” then the people who saw the pretty young girl. 

Let’s talk about what you could see:

It’s a face: The lips are at the top of the photo, and the T-shirt and neck are at the bottom. The star of the photo is the chin. This gentleman wanted to attract the ladies by showing off that he’s too busy to shave, and prefers to maintain a facial hair situation that involves, for lack of a better description,  “a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that.” And, that he’s no spring chicken, and already proudly going gray. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But this guy’s no Danny Ocean.

It’s a butt: This is what I thought initially. There is a defined crack. And there are two cheeks. And that hair is very coarse, and curly, and looks like no one has groomed it in awhile. Clearly, the good people at OKC do not think it’s a butt, or they’d remove the image. But it’s possible that two OKC site administrators sat in their office and experienced the same confusion:

OKC site administrator 1: Hey, should we take down this image? It looks like a butt!

OKC site administrator 2: No, it’s somebody’s chin, can’t see you the lips, and the T-shirt?

OKC site administrator 1: I don’t know man, those lips look like a crack…

OKC site administrator 2: Oh well, let’s just leave it up.  Anyone showing this terrible judgement in profile photo selection doesn’t deserve to get messages anyway…

Bottom line is:  butts that look like heads and heads that look like butts should NOT be featured on an online dating site. Or really, anywhere, except a comedic bit from Cool Runnings.

And, the final mystery: Who took this picture, and how? Was it a friend who put an Iphone camera in his buddy’s mouth? Is this a self-shot GONE WRONG? Is this photo shoot a dirty little relic from a photographer/dirty model role play that resulted in some naked booty shots?

Stayed tuned folks, we’re going to give Detectives Stabler and Benson a break from investigating homicides and get them on the case!

Pic of the Week: Dog, Baby, no boy

Posted on by

0

Here’s a little gem from someone that messaged me last week:

EDITED VERSION - terrible picture baby and dog 2-19-213

Dude, follow the rules. OK Cupid says you have to post a picture of you. (Even if it’s grossly inaccurate.) It also specifically says no babies and animals, and you’ve managed to incorporate both. 

Now, maybe you’re trying to be funny. I mean, baby trapped inside a dog’s cone is kinda funny. And, it would be sort of funny to think of either of them saying, “come at me bro.” I’m a little concerned about your judgement if you’d shove a toddler, who is wearing mismatched socks, BTW,  into a big dog’s face just for a funny OKC profile photo shoot. But I give you some credit for picking a photo that makes people laugh. (Instead of cry, which is what happens most of the time when you look at the photos of people who actually message you).

But, what’s this?  If I look more closely, I’ll see that you didn’t even come up with this yourself! You got it from some weird, spam laden tumblr. Zero points for creativity, BRO. Looks like I won’t be coming at you any time soon.

-L

 

When a stranger sexts

Posted on by

4

About 1 month into joining OKC, J messaged me.  After just one or two back and forths to establish neither one of us were serial killers or hunchbacks, he asked me out. I appreciated his straightforwardness (I HATE prolonged messaging).  And, his profile was very promising. Why, you ask? Two things stood out to me:

1) He was legitimately good looking and tall.  Like over 6 feet tall. (Unless of course, he was using fake pictures.). There were multiple pictures of him, all looking tall and handsome and even one of him playing sports *cavewoman sigh.* And tallness gives you major points in my book. The average height listed by men on their OKC profile is probably 5’8. But, most men add 2 inches to their height (and when they are caught, they say things like, “Oh, I thought they meant when I was wearing huge shoes???Or when I’m standing on several stairs?”). So I think in real life, it’s more like 5’6. Which is only 3 inches taller than me. (Editor’s note: Boo fucking hoo, L. Some of us are 5’9 and struggle to even find a dude their height, let alone someone who’s 3 inches taller. xoxo – your tall, militant co-blogger) Point is, tall men are rare. Tall, attractive men, even rarer (Editor’s note: preach). Score! I marveled at my good fortune.

2) His profile was actually interesting. S and D and I will definitely get around to doing a full analysis of good vs bad profile content, but here is a little teaser. Most guys’ profiles are really boring.  They feature statements like, “I love to eat delicious food and travel and watch sports,” and “I’m looking for a sweet, cute girl who is high energy enough to go to bars with me but also low key enough to spend a laid back weekend at home.” Newsflash gentleman–you’ve just described 75% of the male population and like, actually 60% of the female population. But J was different. For example, he listed “gmail, snarky liberal blogs, and whiskey and ginger ale,” as things he couldn’t live without. Creative, and, all things I love.

So, armed with these two pieces of info, I gave him my number. He texted me the next day and we scheduled the date.

sexter 3

All good so far. This guy has a life, but he’s not a flake, and he’s capable of scheduling something. (I’ve learned that scheduling is a surprisingly rare skill for men to possess.) Our conversation continued briefly…

sexter 2

Perfectly normal stuff to talk about to a stranger. And he sounds like fun. Maybe this will be a great date.

I felt like we had ended the conversation on a good note.   Focused on the busy weekend ahead of me, I temporarily forgot about him. The next night (Saturday), I was enjoying some G rated fun at a friend’s house–hanging out in PJs and opening her bridal shower gifts. Around midnight, my phone beeped. It was J. 

sexter 1

What? I read it three times to make sure I was not hallucinating. I.was.not.  When I had come to grips with the fact that this was a real text, I imagined one of three things had happened. (Listed in order of most acceptable/least plausible to least acceptable/most plausible).

1. His friends stole his phone and were having some good, old fashioned fun with him at my expense. Immature, sure, but, this is the risk you take when you are dating 20-something guys.

2. He meant to text someone else. Who knows how many numbers this guy has in his phone or how many girls he is messaging on OKC? It’s possible he had a great date last night, and is just following up with some (hopefully liquor induced) banter. It’s not particularly flattering or uplifting to know he is seeing and sexting multiple girls, but it’s not like we are in a relationship or anything.

3) Unfortunately,and most likely: he actually meant to sent me the text. Why do I find this horrifying?

– First of all buddy, what do you mean “can’t lie?” No one asked you to tell the truth! It’s not like someone was cross examining you and they said, do you want this woman? Please remember you are under oath and committing perjury could result in jail time!” In fact, no one even asked you a question. At all.

– Second of all, why do you want me? We haven’t met yet. You’ve seen a couple of IPhone camera pics of me online, that may or may not be real or recent. And you’ve never even heard my voice. I’m basically the equivalent of a picture in a magazine at this point. This text made me feel one step below a Craiglist personal.

As you can see, I did text back the next day and give the dude one chance to explain himself. I was desperately hoping he’d say “I am so sorry and so embarrassed.” Or, even, “got too drunk last night. Hope you won’t hold the creepiness against me.”

But no, he’s just gonna say “my bad.” Which is what my 4th grade students used to say when they were caught breaking a rule or using the scissors to “tatoo” someone’s arm. Not good enough J.

So I decided to cancel the date. I feel like I’m already out on a limb online dating, and if I get ANY evidence of a potential weirdo, I should take it seriously. The sad thing is, if we had gone out ONCE, just ONCE, I would have been totally fine with, even flattered by a sext. But having never him, it just conjured up a sad, gross image of him sitting in front of his computer on a Saturday night and… and further more, how do you start a conversation with someone whose already said that to you? “Hi, I’m L, the one you can’t lie to?” or, “Hello, are you J, the one who wants me?” Too weird. So I texted him and called it off. He didn’t seemed too broken about it. (Though perhaps, in other cultures “K” actually means, “I’m so disappointed and can’t believe I blew this chance with an amazing woman. One can hope.)

I think I made the right call, but through consulting everyone in my social circle on this experience, I learned that people have different reactions to sexting strangers. What do you think readers? Was I justified in cancelling the date? Or is stranger sexting the romantic currency of the new millenium?

The lying liar

Posted on by

11

Z’s message on OKC was the first I received that I was actually excited about. It was the perfect mixture of witty and thoughtful, and his profile contained absolutely no red flags–he was a nice, all-American Jew (is there such a thing?) who liked college sports and nerdy conversation.  His picture showed a guy with bright eyes and a nice smile. Sure, his face seemed a little chubby and he only had one picture, but I figured he was just new to the site and not too obsessed with his looks, which I respected. I replied to his questions, asked a few of my own, and we went back and forth for awhile.

We went back and forth for so long, in fact, without him so much as SUGGESTING we ever meet in person, that I began to wonder if he was in a wheelchair or had some other massive physical secret that he was hiding. I actually started to refer to him as “wheelchair” to my friends and colleagues. As in, “Oh my god! Wheelchair wrote me another 500 word long essay last night! When is he going to ask me out?” After literally 12 exchanges, I finally was like, “So, we should hang.” He wrote back almost immediately and suggested a time and place (he probably wants something ADA accessible, I assumed). And we were on! And, after enlisting several people to scour his profile for clues that he could use his legs, I became more and more confident that wheelchair was not in a wheelchair and perhaps, just perhaps, this would be a good date.

The night of our date, I was running late, so I texted Z to let him know. He replied, “OK, I am at a table in the back.” But when I arrived at the bar, the only guy I saw sitting alone was completely bald, and, honestly, a dead ringer for George Constanza. This could not be my date, who had a pretty full head of hair in his picture. But, as I scanned the bar, I realized that it had to be him.

Now, I had a few choices.

1) I could run. And, I assure you, the level of picture fraud committed may have given me grounds to run. But, I had said I was on my way and honestly, I am not about to go down in Z’s  memory as the wimpy B who ditched our date.

2) I could say, “I am so sorry, but are you Z?” And when he said yes, I could say, in a stern voice, “You have committed serious pictoral fraud and I am afraid I have to go.” But, I actually think that’s meaner and worse than Option 1.

3) I could be open-minded, sit down, and stick it out. I mean, who knows? Perhaps we’d hit it off, and a few months from now the FDA would approve a side-effect-less drug for hair regrowth and I would get him into the clinical trial and…

I am getting ahead of myself. I’ll sit down now.

So I said hi and sat down and ordered a beer. And, it wasn’t the best date I’ve had, but it wasn’t the worst. He had some pros–smart and witty and a healthy appetite, and some cons–made fun of my job, talked too long about his boring job, etc. Honestly, I spent most of my time half-listening. Why? Because I wanted to ask him about his photo to try to ascertain the rationale behind the fraudulence. Did he go bald recently (after he joined the site?) Did he photoshop his photo to add realistic hair? Did he use a photo from high school?

You guys, I am not as superficial as I sound. In fact, there is a 40% chance I would have agreed to go out with him anyway if he had posted an accurate picture, in the spirit of experimentation and reserving judgement till I meet people. But I freaking hate surprises, and this guy had flat out bamboozled me!!  

I understand that people put their best face forward on a profile photo. Although, when I first joined OKC, I wanted to take an approach to my profile pictures called “worst case scenario,” where I intentionally posted hideous photos of me doing hideous things. Displaying these pics, I hoped, would lower expectations so significantly that men would show up to the date expecting this…

Jabba

And when average looking little ole me showed up, they’d be so relieved they’d feel like they were getting this…

Jessica-Alba

S talked me out of “worst case scenario,” by explaining that to GET the date people have to like your photo first.  (But I’m not gonna lie, I still toy with the idea from time to time.)

Anyway…back to the date. As soon as we walked out of the restaurant, I gave him an awkward side hug and rushed off to the metro. And I didn’t hear from him again for a couple of days, which prompted a lot of silent (and not so silent) brooding–“I can’t believe this guy’s not contacting me! I did NOT submit a fraudulent photo! I ate three pizzas of pizza like a graceful delicate flower! Why does he not want to go out with me again?” But then, the next week, I got a really nice text from Z asking me out again. I took a pass on this one, but not without a few regrets. I think Z will make a great date for somebody someday, provided she has either an affinity for bald 20 somethings or enjoys showing up to dates with a completely different person than she saw online.

Date rating 5/10: He kept the conversation and the beer flowing, but the deck was stacked against him from minute 1. Which brings me to…

Lesson Learned: Three words. Multiple profile photos. If people don’t have them, they are hiding something, and their secret might be a heck of a lot worse than baldness.

First date ever

Posted on by

3

I have  never been on a real live “grownup” date. Up to a few months ago, I had been in a six- year relationship which started when I was 21. I’ve done my fair share of hanging out with guys, but it usually wasn’t over drinks and a nice dinner. (Those things came well after the relationships had started). Like a typical overachiever, I decided that newly single me had to get good at dating, and to get good at dating, I needed to practice it. So three weeks ago, along with thousands of other people who made New Year’s resolutions to get in the game, I joined OKC.

G messaged me shortly after I joined the site, with a nice, witty message that praised my taste in comfort food like grilled cheese and pancakes. It was the best message I received on the site so far (no body parts mentioned, no generic, “hi”) and he looked cute, so I messaged him back and he quickly asked me out. We agreed to meet at a bar in the burbs for an early evening drink/dinner.

When I got to the bar, I was relieved to see G looked very much like his picture (except for the couple inches he added to his height online). He was super nervous, and I realized that thing about online dating is that people can be much more confident and smooth behind a computer screen than in person. (Or, they could be like me, and just never be smooth, regardless of the mode of communication.) Despite the nervousness, he was a sweet date: he told me he picked the bar because they were rumored to have great grilled cheese, he never gave one word answers, and he attempted the occasional joke. But it became clear to me pretty quickly that we didn’t have a lot in common, and finding things to talk about seemed a bit like work. So, after 1.5 hours of conversation, he asked if I wanted to go for a walk, and I told him I had plans to meet a friend (I did!).

He walked me to the metro, where I thanked him for a good time and told him to have a good weekend. To which he replied, “Oh, I’m not leaving, I am getting on the metro too.” Let the awkwardness begin. As soon as the train started moving, he turns to me, and says, “um, do you care if I do thissssss…” while putting his arm around me. For those of you not familiar with the DC metro, let me set the mood here: We are sitting side by side in some seriously bright and unflattering lighting, surrounded by a combination of tourists in fanny packs, noisy tweens, and uptight 20 and 30s somethings on their way home from a late evening of work. There is a 75% chance this train will stop working and go out of service before we reach our destination. There are all sorts of smells floating in the air, among them strong BO, old cheese, and old lady perfume (thanks tourists!). I can’t think of a worse place for someone to make a romantic overture, especially someone who you aren’t interested in. But at this point, I’m trapped on the moving train, and I figure if I say no then we have to sit in 10 awkward minutes of silence, or I have to get off the train, which, as DCers know, is a terrible idea cause the transit here’s not exactly regular. So, I say…”ehhh…ok?” in a high pitched voice and proceed to focus the conversation on nice, neutral topics like the weather and the traffic. And, then he’s like….”Ummm, I had a great time, I really would like to see you again.” And I’m like “ehhh…why don’t you text me next week and we’ll figure it out then.” I wanted to be up front with him but AGAIN, I am trapped on the train with him and I’m not really into seeing his reaction to rejection live. But I’m hoping he’ll get the hint. He does not. As the train arrives at his stop, he leans toward me for a kiss. My eyes see him leaning in, and before my brain has fully processed what’s happening, my adrenaline kicks in and I turn my head sharply to the right, giving him my cheek. I feel bad, but I just can’t do it. 

Overall grade: 5/10-points to G for being so thoughtful, picking a great place and being  a decent conversationalist who didn’t take himself to0 seriously. I really could have done without the advances on public transit, though. 

Lesson learned: Arrange separate transportation home!

First date what ifs…

Posted on by

2

A weakness for Lifetime Original Movies and Law and Order SVUs, as well as a past history of comically awkward moments, has given me a lot to worry about as I approach my first date. Let me give you a glimpse of some of the “what-ifs” running through my mind right now…

1. During the date, he leans over and says, “I have a gun. If you don’t get up and follow me to my car right now I will shoot you right here in this bar.?”

2. He starts talking about something really serious and emotional and tears up?

3. He farts too loudly too ignore it.

4. Or worse, I fart too loudly to ignore it?

5. He arrives visibly high?

6. I have food in my teeth the entire time we’re talking?

7. Two words. Bad. breath.

8. While I’m in the bathroom, he hacks into my IPhone and finds out that the other day I googled “best bikini wax DC”?

9. He gets up in the middle of the meal, leaves, and sticks me with the check and a whole lot of humiliation?

10. He makes really weird, sexual noises?

11. He confesses that he’s been living in a cabin in the woods with only his mother for years and this is his first night out on the town?

12. When it’s time to leave, he can’t find his car? True story.

I know that if these things happen, I’ll survive. (Well, actually, if #1 happens, I may NOT survive in which case, dear readers, when you find my body please cremate me and scatter my ashes in the Atlantic Ocean). In fact, if one of these things happens, it will make a great story for this blog. So here I go…

-L