A weakness for Lifetime Original Movies and Law and Order SVUs, as well as a past history of comically awkward moments, has given me a lot to worry about as I approach my first date. Let me give you a glimpse of some of the “what-ifs” running through my mind right now…

1. During the date, he leans over and says, “I have a gun. If you don’t get up and follow me to my car right now I will shoot you right here in this bar.?”

2. He starts talking about something really serious and emotional and tears up?

3. He farts too loudly too ignore it.

4. Or worse, I fart too loudly to ignore it?

5. He arrives visibly high?

6. I have food in my teeth the entire time we’re talking?

7. Two words. Bad. breath.

8. While I’m in the bathroom, he hacks into my IPhone and finds out that the other day I googled “best bikini wax DC”?

9. He gets up in the middle of the meal, leaves, and sticks me with the check and a whole lot of humiliation?

10. He makes really weird, sexual noises?

11. He confesses that he’s been living in a cabin in the woods with only his mother for years and this is his first night out on the town?

12. When it’s time to leave, he can’t find his car? True story.

I know that if these things happen, I’ll survive. (Well, actually, if #1 happens, I may NOT survive in which case, dear readers, when you find my body please cremate me and scatter my ashes in the Atlantic Ocean). In fact, if one of these things happens, it will make a great story for this blog. So here I go…

-L