A few days ago, this charmer reached out to me:

First of all, the first sentence reeks of enthusiasm. I always use “apparently” to convey how thrilled I am about something.

“Apparently, Microsoft Outlook has decided not to work today.”

“I got a parking ticket because, apparently, there was street cleaning on Tuesday night. Even though the sign said Wednesday.”

“Apparently, my ex thinks it’s still ok to list me as his emergency contact.”

In his next sentence, this guy elaborates on just how annoyed he is we’ve been matched. My favorite phrase: “you’re definitely not my type.” Really, buddy? Am I SO not your type that you actually had to contact me to share that? Instead of just clicking away from my profile like a normal person? Are you writing Sallybot and the folks at OKCupid an angry customer email because they mismatched us so egregiously?

Thirdly, if you’re looking for an old spinster, you should probably stop online dating, since most old people use the internet to get on AOL and search for things on Ask.com. 

Lastly, what does, “can you please help me” mean? Can I help him connect with an older woman who might die soon? Can I help him find better matches on OKCupid? No sir, I cannot help you. 

I mean, it’s quite possible that this guy just loves sarcasm, and I will admit that, if a similar pick-up line were delivered in person, or by Chandler Bing, I might even find it funny. (I mean, it is funny. That’s why I am posting about it).

But the thing is, there is also a chance that this guy is serious, in which case: he bruised my fragile ego, and basically admitted to having homicidal tendencies when it comes to partners. And that chance is enough for me to press delete.