Wow. Last week’s Message Monday was a tough act to follow. This message is admittedly pretty innocuous compared to some of the ones we’ve seen. On the surface this guy actually seems (kind of) friendly and nice. But let’s dig deeper, shall we?

• “Okcupid keeps emailing me to message you”. I don’t know what site you’re on, sir, but the free internet dating service I signed up for has never aggressively and incessantly emailed me demanding that I message the same random person. If it did, no one would use it. As you can see from the screen cap, I showed up in this guy’s quiver, which is when okc gives you three profile suggestions for you to take a look at. When you delete those three people from your quiver, they give you three more. Okc will email them to you if you don’t turn off email alerts, like with anything else. You can easily ignore this altogether if you choose. So what happened was, I was one of this guy’s three suggested people. The end. Clearly he has a flair for the dramatics. Also, is this supposed to make me want to reply to your message? Essentially telling me that the adorable okc robot mascot (who PS I officially dubbed Sallybot… yes I’m still single) put a virtual gun to your head and that’s why you’re reaching out to me?                                                                                                                      
• “You seem like a pretty upright and cool dude”. Ummm….thanks? That’s a….unique thing to say to a stranger who you may want to potentially date. I guess there are worse things someone could say but let’s be honest, this is not ideal. “Upright”? I’ve got nothing. And obviously “dude” is a term that can be also be used for girls but I did have a terrible moment when I first read this where I thought this person actually mistook me for a man. The second thought that came to mind was that I’d just received a message from one of these fine gentlemen: …and a click onto the guy’s profile confirmed that yes, I actually sort of did! Oh, Clueless. Nearly 20 years later you continue to be a reliable and accurate resource for dating advice and blog material. Bless your heart, Amy Heckerling.
• “I guess you can message me back if you feel like it”. Well. Be still my heart. Clearly I’ve received 2013’s answer to this. Look, I don’t expect some over the top super eloquent first message, but could we maybe handle 10-15% more enthusiasm? You managed to fit in multiple exclamation points, so can you apply that excitement to the actual words you typed? Here’s a helpful tip: if what you’re writing can also be used in the context of 1. adding accident forgiveness to your car insurance or 2. getting flavored fluoride during your next teeth cleaning (shoot, actually I need to make an appointment), maybe, probably, (definitely) don’t send it to a potential date.

Hmm. Just realized I’ve got an unintentional Jane Austen theme going on here. So let’s watch Colin Firth in a wet shirt now. No explanation necessary.