eHarmony holdout

Since my dreaded triumphant return to the online dating scene, I’ve been thinking about all the different services we’ve tried here at Stucu. Here’s a quick rundown:

Yeesh, that is not a short list. And yet here we are, still painfully single. Speaking of being painfully single, you may have noticed one glaring omission…

Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I’m just going to say it: I HATE eHarmony. True, I’ve never actually used it, but it has always seemed so ridiculous/lame/creepy to me. Also, sorry to get all soapbox-ra-ra-social-justice on our dating blog, but it’s worth noting that eHarmony has a history of discriminating against same sex couples, plus their annoying as fuck elderly founder/spokesperson is an outspoken hardcore Christian. Not that there’s anything wrong with hardcore Christians…

seinfeld

Source: mrwgifs.com

…it’s just that I am not one of them. I’ve heard tales of the blatantly religious overtones of the site’s matchmaking process, and I don’t like the idea of some company surreptitiously pushing their views on people who are just trying to get a date. If I wanted religious-based matchmaking, I’d mosey on over to a religious-based online dating site like Christian Mingle or L’s favorite, JDate.

Also. Completely forgetting his politics, the eHarmony spokesperson freaks. me. out.

finding-the-love-1

Source: www.harmony-in-love.com

I’m sorry, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, but I’m not currently looking to put a creepy old guy in charge of my love life.

scumbag-eharmony-guy-52799

Source: maeameme.org

I know I’m being ridiculous. I know I shouldn’t write off a dating service I’ve never tried because their commercials feature a pushy religious senior citizen and an overplayed Natalie Cole song. More importantly, I’m actually friends with a couple who met on eHarmony. And by “met” I mean I attended their wedding last October. 

Despite this undeniable empirical evidence of the E’s legitimacy, every time someone suggests I join, my answer goes something like this:

“Yeahhhhh, uhhh,I’ve thought about it, but I’m saving it for if (let’s face it, when) I’m a bit older and still single. I’ve heard it’s a more…mature crowd, and that the people on there are much more serious about getting engaged like, yesterday. So I’ll probably try it eventually, just not…now.”

Translation: I hate eHarmony. I don’t want to do it. Please leave me alone.

The biggest reason why I resist this (almost always) unsolicited advice is that it rarely comes from single people. And I’m sorry, if you’re not a veteran of online dating, you simply have no idea what a shit show it is. But then a few weeks ago, one of my single guy friends whose opinion I totally value was telling us about his recent run of good dates, and the big E came up:

Me: What site are you on again? Okcupid?

E: eHarmony.

Me: Oh. Hmmmm. Interesting.

E: You should try it, S.

Me: (internally, thinking about my paintfully single status): Sigh. Maybe he’s right.

Which brings me to this post. When I started writing, it was mostly about my reluctance to join and somewhat irrational hatred of Dr. NCW. But then I tried to poke around and do some preliminary research to see what the site was like and, well, I got bamboozled. Before I even knew what was happening, I was filling out a 9 hour long personality profile analysis thing and signing up to “try it for free”.

GOD-DAMMIT

Source:kwieser.tumblr.com

Dr. Warren, you are one tricky motherfucker.

“Try it for free” is a favorite tactic among paid dating sites: they let you sign up, fill out a little profile, answer some questions, and cruise for dudes, but the minute you try to do anything real like send a message or even look at someone’s pictures, you’re directed to hand over your credit card info. This was fine with me for once because I didn’t actually want to use their stupid site, I just wanted to see what the infamously involved personality profiling is like and rip it to shreds on our blog.

I’ve also heard that eHarmony at one time rejected a certain number of people after they went through all their insane questioning. As in, these clowns literally say “thanks for trying to pay us money but you’ll have to take your unlovable single self elsewhere, because we don’t want anything to do with you.”

what parks and rec

I’m telling you, these people are the WORST.

Googled researched this policy to determine whether it’s still in place, but my search was inconclusive, so I half expected to waste 20 minutes of my life on a site I already hated and then be told I wasn’t wanted by them. Just another day in the life of a single girl, AMIRITE, LADIES? Anyway, despite my MANY misgivings and against my better judgment, I signed up and sat through their long ass questioning process. Here’s a sample question:

eharmony patient

For those who are wondering, there were a fair number of…faith based questions in this thing, mostly to do with how religious/spiritual you are. I screen capped these questions for your viewing pleasure, but now I can’t find where I saved them so you’ll have to take my word for it. After answering ‘not at all’ to basically every religious question, I was fully expecting to get to the boot, but somehow, some way, Dr. NCW deemed me worthy of God and single men’s love, and I was admitted into Club E. Yay.

hermione

Source: www.flickr.com

Obviously, they didn’t waste any time before asking me for money:

eharmony

Jesus. First of all, the 10.95/month plan is totally reasonable, until you realize you’re making a TWO YEAR COMMITMENT. I only commit to where I’m going to live one year at a time, you fuckers. Yes, I get that business-wise it’s smart for them to incentivize people to commit for the long haul. I also get that say, one month is not enough time to give a dating site a chance and meet a good number of people. But how about 3 months? Where’s the 3 month plan, you assholes? Three months is how long it took me to realize I hated Match.com with the burning fire of a thousand suns. So you’re telling me when I inevitably confirm that I do, as predicted, loathe eHarmony, I’m saddled with it for a full calendar year? Yeah…

nope

Source: wifflegif.com

The next logical choice is 6 months. But that shit starts to get pricey. $258 for 6 months on your stupid website? Really? So, what do I get for forking over a plane ticket to somewhere awesome or a day at the spa?

eharmony2

Uhhhh, 1. what in the what is the “Book of You?” Again with the religious overtones. And 2. so what you’re saying eHarmony, is that your basic plan offers the EXACT SAME THINGS as Okcupid. How much is Okcupid again?

fo-free-o

Source: gifsoup.com

Also, unsurprisingly, upon fake signing up I was immediately bombarded with senseless emails:

eharmony hate being single

Shut your stupid mouth, eHarmony, and stop patronizing me. I don’t need your permission to be okay with saying that phrase. I’m so good at saying “I hate being single” that I literally started an entire blog so my friends and I could say it multiple times a week. So step off.

Rage aside, I’m at a crossroads, readers. I’m technically signed up, so I’m now getting messages that I can’t read from faceless dudes. This is how they rope you in! I’m telling you, it’s a mindfuck. No matter how awful a site appears to be (and believe me, eHarmony seems awful) there’s that one tiny little part of you that worries one of the guys who messaged you is your future husband, and you’re about to miss out on a lifetime of happiness and hot sex because you were too cheap to fork over $258. 

I need help deciding, dear readers. Tell me what you think I should do. I can’t promise that I’ll actually do it, but I promise to take the results into consideration. Also, if you’ve used the big E yourself, feel free to leave me a comment and tell me what you think of it. Also, if you’re reading this, Dr. Warren, I hate you.

 

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9 thoughts on “eHarmony holdout

  1. I would like to state for the record that I was one of the undesirables that eHarmony rejected back in the day. Those rejection letters DO exist and they are not pretty. I can’t remember exactly what it said but it was something along the lines of… “Unfortunately due to your responses to our questionnaire we were unable to match you with anyone in your area, we wish you the best of luck in your search for love”. What I think they really meant to say was “Based on your answers to our questionnaire, we believe you are rotten to the core, and you don’t belong here, now get out and don’t come back”. I live in WDC and I refuse to believe that I did not have one single match, My unlovable ass was just too busy being scrutinized by Dr. Warren’s cronies. I say don’t waste your money!

    • OH MY GOD I knew eHarmony was the worst. I thought I couldn’t possibly hate them more; clearly I was wrong. That is fucked. up. Thanks for sharing, Angie, and confirming my suspicion that “Dr.” (is he even a doctor?) Warren is not only terrifying but also pure evil.

  2. But, what if your future husband is having the exact same thoughts as you and finally decided to give it a try, and all you have to do is just sign up now and you’ll be together forever? Hehehe sorry but I want to live vicariously through you and see if it’s worth a shot 🙂

    • This is what I was talking about in my post haha…that thought totally stresses me out! But you know, if you’re single M, the same could be true for you. 😉

  3. I gave it a try for 3 months. Let your profile sit and they’ll send you a promo offer. I think I paid $30. Once my 3 months ran out I did not rejoin. The communication process is three stages;
    1. You choose like 5 questions to send to a guy. The answers are multiple choice. Once he answers, he sends you his questions.
    2. You select about 7 traits that make or break a relationship for you. He sends you his list back.
    3. You select 3 open ended questions to send to each other.
    once all of this is done, now you’re deemed ready to message each other. You can send a message to someone from the onset but EH gives you a warning suggesting against it. Whatever! Plus I think a lot of people do the free sign up but don’t pay, so you could potentially reach out to people who will never answer.
    I have a friend who’s met her significant other off of EH (after I convinced her to try it! I know.. I know.. I was in a relationship at the time and didn’t know better!) Point being, it worked for her but I dislike EH about as much as I dislike match. EH consistently sent me matches from different countries… k… Really? no one local? And you can’t browse members, at all. It felt like they were controlling too much, the entire communication process and who i can see… And of course as I write this, EH sends me an email! Ughhh… Don’t let my bitter, single self deter you 😛 Like M said above, maybe you’ll meet your future husband.

    P.S love you girls. Its my new “water cooler” talk at work. Game of thrones? Nope. Did you read stupid cupid last night? YES!!

    Sorry for the long comment!

    • Hi A!

      1. Thanks for the super helpful info, especially about not being able browse members. That is insane. L has a friend who uses EH and she said it sometimes feels like they’re actively trying to PREVENT you from meeting someone and going on an actual date. Also…different countries? What is wrong with these people?

      2. Oh my God, we’re someone’s water cooler talk?! This is the best news EVER. We feel so cool! Thanks so much for reading and spreading the word!

      We’ll do our best to remain more interesting than Primetime TV!
      xoxo
      LSD

  4. I’ve been on and off of it for a few months here and there, and continue to hate it more each time I’ve used it. There are lots of inactive profiles, lots of annoying freebie weekends (where you can’t see free users’ profile photos and they can’t see yours) and lots of photos of perfect-looking couples plastered on their site (I don’t know why I feel so aggrieved by that, but I do, ha). I agree with the commenter above that recommends sticking with OKCupid. My best friend found her husband on eHarmony, but I’ve had the worst time on it.

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