Revenge is a dish best served by someone else: The not so secret Dating Vigilante Taskforce

Hullo readers! Some updates from Washington, D.C., where I am pleased to report that more has been happening than me just hating on JDate. Well, actually, not a ton more. Mostly just me going on dates with Js from the site and then finding something about them to hate on.

tim gunn concerned

Yup, hold on to your hat Tim Gunn, because there is a date post coming your way in a couple days, and it features  a whole litany of complaints, including some about what I consider one of most serious fashion faux-pas of our time.

Meanwhile, since I have your captive attention, I thought I’d use a few minutes on the mic to run an idea by you. What if: there was a way to discipline your dates and exes for not acting like they had any basic human decency or manners, without seeming like a total lunatic or having to bear the uncomfortable pain of conflict yourself?

kardashian amen

I mean, if you’ve read this blog before, or ever dated for more than seven minutes, it’s abundantly clear that there are plenty of people who exhibit some pretty obnoxious or just plain mean and cowardly behaviors just lurking around on dating sites, waiting to pounce on a yet another sad, single victim. And I’m not talking about simple fade aways here. I’m talking about the more egregious stuff. For example, the unemployed former child star who shows up an hour late for any date that doesn’t involve a puppet. Or, the guy who strings you along for weeks, and then lets you know he has a girlfriend. Or the legit movie theater narc. The list goes on and on. Tonight, I had the (mis)fortune of running into one of Stucu’s worst offenders in the flesh, on my commute home. And that, my friends, is why this is on my mind.

Remember, J, the guy who had a girlfriend and knowingly let me use her toiletries to freshen up in the AM? Well, you probably don’t, but I do. As an avowed feminist, and aspiring bad ass, it KILLED me that I basically let this guy get away with 1) probably cheating on his girlfriend 2) lying to me and 3) making fun of the movie “Marley and Me, “which was actually REALLY EMOTIONAL AND MEANINGFUL. They loved that dog so much. And that dog loved them right back.

In fact, I’d be a liar too if I didn’t admit that over the past 6 months, there have been a few monologues rehearsed in my mirror where I tell J I know he’s a big lying cheater and that I have gonorrhea. (Don’t worry mom, I don’t have it. I don’t even know how to spell it. I had to use google because even my spell check doesn’t know how to spell it.)


Anyway, when I saw J today, getting off the metro. I totally froze:

anna kendrick

I barely managed to give him my trademark side-eye glare before I actually quickened my pace and headed to the turnstile, even though at that point he fully turned around and looked at me. (When I got home and looked in the mirror, I sadly realized I was rocking a creative looking side part and had magic marker all over my hands. So I am kinda glad the confrontation didn’t go any further).

I mean, the reason why I didn’t say anything is the same reason I don’t implement many of my revenge fantasies, or give some of these fools the talking to they deserve. I didn’t want to be this girl:


However, my (well-advised) fear of conflict/humiliating myself means that J gets to walk around this earth (or to be less dramatic, NW DC) thinking that he can just be a douche and no one will care.

Now, enter the solution: the secret vigilante dating task force. What if, I could enlist volunteers (presumably other scorned, righteous ladies and the odd sassy gay friend or two, of course), to deliver anonymous hate telegrams to J and the other creeps that have come before and after him:

i know what you did last summer

I mean, clearly leaving terrifying notes in someone’s home would be reserved for the worst level of offenders. But we could ask volunteers to implement a number of services, perhaps based on a sliding scale donation.

Back of the envelope calculations on pricing and services:

  • $10: We’ll send the offending party a facebook message from an untraceable source, calling out his bad behavior and concluding with a spooky, “we’re watching you.”
  • $20: We’ll up the ante and make the facebook message a public wall post (or tweet), so everyone can see what he did.
    • I.e. Hey there J, It’s about time that you stopped cheating on C (tagged) with petite, ambiguously ethnic girls you meet on the internet. #cheater #herpes
  • $50: We’ll triangulate social media data to pinpoint a time and location where one of our trained volunteers can confront this clown in person. (Add $25 if you’d like volunteer to be dressed in a fake sheriff’s outfit. Add $50 more dollars if you’d like the volunteer to throw a drink in his face).

Clearly, all the deets aren’t figured out yet, but you get the gist. I’m basically the new Mark Zuckerberg. (After all, at one time in my life we sported similar haircuts. AND, we both like to sit at our computers and scheme). Instead of facebook, I’d call it HATESbook. (I realize that name doesn’t make a ton of sense, but I could resist the rhyme).

So what do you think ladies and gents? (Though mostly ladies, because if you haven’t inferred it yet, this blog is pretty biased against men). You in?


Oh be quiet, Emily Thorne. I think we can all agree you’re way more fun when you’re not sorry. Revenge can rock. Just ask these folks.

10 thoughts on “Revenge is a dish best served by someone else: The not so secret Dating Vigilante Taskforce

  1. One of the best moments of my life was running into a guy who had completely fucked me over six months earlier– with his new girlfriend. I walked up to him, calmly said hello, while he froze, turned bright red and stuttered. He didn’t acknowledge the girl, who was standing there staring at me, so I politely introduced myself, while the asshole basically looked like a complete idiot. I agree with you, making a scene makes *you* look like a crazy person. I didn’t want my reaction to confirm for him, “wow, glad I got rid of that bitch…” Ya know?

    A few days later, I still felt like I had something to get off my chest. No one should “get away” with treating someone like complete shit. I sent him a short, honest email about how much he hurt me, and how I hope he never treats anyone that way again. I said what I needed to say. That was my closure. He surprisingly responded and apologized. I have no idea if karma will ever come his way, or if he’ll keep treating people like shit. All I know is screaming, telling someone off, doesn’t really solve the problem. And it doesn’t make you look good. Rising above the situation felt better than screaming in someone’s face ever could. And they all lived happily ever after. *The End*

    • I agree-mature responses are the way to go, especially if you want to feel long term good about yourself and move on. That’s why it’s great to use the blog to fantasize about more ahem…creative solutions. Kudos to you for taking the mature, but also brave and ballsy road. I have no doubt your karma is way better than his!

  2. Preach, sister. You didn’t happen to meet him online, did you? If you did, then get some friends to try to connect with him, go on a date, and then either stage it where he gets caught (I guess you can take advantage of the gf’s super active social media presence to somehow coordinate it where she would run into the date? Ha, could be a stretch…) or just fuck with him by having your friend mention that she works at the same company as his girlfriend, by name dropping a bunch of her friends names OR by telling your story about him but pretending to not know that he was the guy involved… just to see him squirm. Ok, I’m getting too into this…

  3. This reminds me of a great story about how women are much better at salary negotiation on behalf of another person,

    Like working up the nerve to ask for a 7K pay bump (I wish), I would be much more willing to engage in wild revenge schemes on behalf of a girlfriend. L, I’m sure your loyal readers would be happy to form an untraceable, nationwide community of vengeance willing to put J on blast.

    • E! Thanks for reading, and as always for elevating the conversation on this blog from above day-time network television talk show by throwing in a lil NPR :). Might I suggest we seek a council of counselors to advise us on the legality of revenge strategies before we proceed full steam ahead with some promising candidates?

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