writer’s block + technology fails

You know when you’re in a job interview and the person asks you a totally weird or random question that you didn’t expect? There’s that first moment when your brain is trying to process it; that terrifying moment of ‘holy shit, I literally have nothing to say’? Yeah, that’s happening to me right now.

You guys, I can’t think of anything to write about. I have approximately 4 different drafts that I’ve started on various subjects, I just can’t come up with anything interesting, insightful, or witty to say about them.

Logically I can (at least partially) contribute my massive writer’s block to the fact that I’m out of the dating game at the moment. This means I’m not messaging back and forth with new dudes, going on first dates, having guys cancel on me/fade away/misplace their cars, or participating in any of the general fuckery that makes for dating blog gold.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s effing awesome. Believe me, I am NOT complaining. But for the purpose of keeping this blog going? Not so awesome. The thing is, I definitely still have past experiences to talk about, and I also have a whole new set of experiences to draw on, freak out over, and write about. AND YET, save for my thoughts on last night’s Game of Thrones ending (awesome except now I’m worried for Tyrion–K, what have you done to me??) and pictures of baby corgis occasionally drifting on through…

baby corgi

my mind is comically blank.

Meanwhile I keep picturing you faithful readers coming here, looking for a laugh, and being like,

bored

via: http://imgur.com/gallery/ZwN68f0

And that STRESSES ME OUT.

Also worth noting… when I Googled writer’s block, this is what came up:

writers block

via: http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/4204865/Writers+Block/

Ahaha slow clap, slash don’t worry, D, Taylor’s basically cornered the market on pop/country breakup songs. 

Ironically, as I was searching for ‘writer’s block GIFs’, I realized that I do have a few little tidbits to talk about. Incidentally, they’re both technology-related.

  • Online stalking

I’ll freely admit it: I still online stalk my exes with wild abandon. And come on, so do most of you peeps. I don’t do it because I have any interest in getting back together with them, or because I’m still into them at all. Hell no. It’s pure, unadulterated curiosity + a pathological need to find shit out. The thing is, sometimes this backfires, and you find out something you really weren’t meant to/didn’t want to know. Like, for instance, when I found out last fall that a certain self proclaimed commitment phobe who I couldn’t get to date me exclusively moved in with his new girlfriend, and I spent the better part of a week despondently repeating, “What’s wrong with me?” to my co-bloggers ad nauseum.

Conversely, in at least one case I’ve also stalked someone I used to go out with and gotten a good, cathartic laugh out of it. One dude who I dated last year has grown some absolutely TERRIFYING hipster facial hair; I’m talking gnarly Rumpelstiltskin beard + douchey waxed mustache. My girlfriends and I had a grand time LOLing at that greasy animal above his lip, and I felt on top of the God damn world.

One embarrassing (and more importantly, stupid) thing that I’ll admit to you guys about this proud stalking tradition: I usually stalk exes’ Twitter accounts FROM THIS BLOG’S TWITTER ACCOUNT. I mean, you want to talk about risky business…

danger

via: http://www.risdall.com/blog/2013/07/24/7303-revision-v1/

I know, realistically it’s only a matter of time before I have a clicking mishap like this one, an ex ends up reading this very post, and my life is over. So STAY TUNED for that.

  • The iMessage read receipt

Worst feature ever, or worst feature ever

https://i1.wp.com/img.photobucket.com/albums/v423/KublaKhan/coffee_talk_linda_richman1.jpg

via: http://satiricalpolitical.com/2012/10/04/jim-lehrer-mea-culpa-what-went-wrong/

Texting itself is bad enough for dating; I can trace SO MANY misunderstandings, stresses, annoyances, and just general weirdness back to texts. But read receipts are a special kind of torture, and for some unknown reason, all straight men with iPhones appear to use it. Literally none of my girlfriends use it. I sure as shit don’t use it. Because nothing says ‘I don’t care about you’ like a little confirmation that someone read your text and then….silence. Oh, thanks so much for giving me the heads up that you read what I wrote and then promptly walked away/watched DVR/went to Trader Joe’s/did your laundry/did your taxes/called your mom/jerked off before finally getting around to responding. That makes me feel fantastic! Meanwhile, if your read receipts were off, I wouldn’t think twice if it took you 20 minutes to respond. Because whoooo knows what’s going on over in your world. You may not have your phone! You may be trapped under something heavy! The possibilities are endless.

L and I went on a full tangent about this a few weeks ago after she lived through a particularly harrowing read receipt incident. I had to get to the bottom of this nonsense, so I went straight to the source:

read receitps

Yeahhhhh. I mean, that would explain why all of my exes tortured me with this thing, because it’s well documented that I have a thing for nerdy dudes. In conclusion: single people reading this, I implore you to just say no to read receipts. If you don’t, you’re eventually going to look like an asshole or piss a potential love interest off. Probably both. Let’s all stick with the nice, civilized ‘delivered’, shall we? Anyway, between read receipts and that evil little ellipsis:

Messages-iOS-7-typing-a-reply

via: http://media.idownloadblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Messages-iOS-7-typing-a-reply.gif

this technology shit is enough to drive any single person crazy.

  • Adam Levine physically repulses two out of three Stucu co-bloggers

This has exactly zero to do with dating or technology, but I just had to release an official statement regarding D’s picture of that walking herpes virus Adam Levine last week. L and I would like you all to know that neither of us condone the use of that gross image on this blog because omg, he’s the absolute worst. I mean, even if he is physically your jam (which ew, already judging you), how can you still feel that way when he opens his mouth? That voice! Ewwww the voice. Shudder. Never again, D. Not on our watch.

PS this blog is now home to not one, not two, but THREE 29 year old ladies! Happy Birthday, L!!!!

 

Celebrating our weird preoccupations: S’s musical superiority complex

To round out our fun little exploration into the idiosyncrasies of LSD, allow me to introduce mine: musical taste. Music matters to me. My dad’s a musician, and growing up my family never gave a single f*ck about sports., but we talked about and listened to music incessantly. My Okc username is a reference to a semi obscure album that I love, and I still think a mix CD is one of the most wonderful and romantic gifts you can ever receive. 

Now, let me be clear: I am not one of those insufferable music snobs who always has to be up on the latest band, or who thumbs their nose at a good old fashioned pop song. There are plenty of vintage boy band hits and Taylor Swift ballads in my musical rotation, thank you very much. I think almost anything that’s catchy and that you enjoy listening to can count as good music, with a few important exceptions. Which leads me to my first question for a potential date. This one’s actually in my profile:

How do you feel about Dave Matthews band?

I hate Dave Matthews Band. So much. Sofa king much. As in, it’s semi a non-negotiable. If we’re dating, you’re allowed to have owned a Dave CD in high school and worn a puka shell necklace to see him in concert/take some bong hits when you were 17, but that interest better not have followed you into adulthood. His voice. Uggghhhh his voice. Those awful screeching rambling excuses for songs. Shudder. I mean:

dave

Source: Quickmeme

Now obviously, I feel very strongly about DMB, and I judge any guy who proclaims to love or even like them pretttty harshly. But this is really just a simple yes or no opinion question. There’s a right and wrong answer, for sure, but this one doesn’t require any critical thinking. My next question is multiple choice, and it’s something that my friend E and I feel very strongly about:

Who’s your favorite Beatle? And why?

You’re probably thinking, come on, it’s the Beatles! They’re all great. There is no wrong answer.

false-dwight

Source: MoreMaor

There are actually two unacceptable answers: John and Ringo.

John Lennon. Was he a musical genius? Totes. Prolific? Absolutely. Larger than life? Of course. Was his death completely tragic? Obviously. But.. he’s your favorite Beatle? Really? It’s just such a cliche. It shows that you have no imagination (restraining myself from inserting bad ‘Imagine’ joke here), and no appreciation for the more subtle nuances of the band and IMO, pop culture in general.

Also, I’m just going to say it: John was kind of a dick. So if you like him the best, that’s a red flag for me. Either that, or you know nothing about the Beatles and just picked the most famous/obvious one as an answer. And frankly, I’ll have so much more respect for you if you just admit that. I’ll pity and judge you, but at least you’ll get points for honesty.

Also, don’t even get me started on this bitch:

yoko ono

Now, if you’re stupid enough to give Ringo as your answer, please, spare me that ir0nic “I love Ringo because he’s so goofy and everyone else hates him” bullshit. Lookin’ at you, Zooey…

ringo

The man wrote approximately 2.5 comically simplistic songs which, because the rest of the band basically took pity on him, ended up on the same albums as some of the best music of the 20th century. He then casually hung up his drumsticks to begin his illustrious second career as the conductor of Shining Time Station.

In summary, Ringo was a lucky bastard who was along for the ride. You can think he’s funny, and you can pity him for being the one so blatantly devoid of real talent, but if he’s your favorite, I’m going to be asking some serious questions about your judgment (or lack thereof).

Answers I’ll accept: Paul and George.

Paul was obviously ridiculously talented, lovable, goofy, irreverent, and real talk, so effing cute. AMIRITE, ladies?

paul29

Anyway, so many incredible songs came out of his brain, I could write an entire post about it, but I’ll spare you all. Let’s just pick a random one and enjoy, shall we?

Also, we collectively forgive Paul the whole Wings business because, well, he’s Paul McCartney. And, did you know he wrote the melody to ‘Yesterday’ before he thought of the lyrics, so for months until he finished the song he sang ‘scrambled eggs?’ I mean, come on. Amazing.

My personal answer, though, and the one I’m most excited to hear from a guy is George Harrison, the quiet, quirky Beatle who mostly flew under the radar but also wrote some of their most beautiful and famous songs. Here Comes the Sun? Thanks, George. Something? Yup, all George. And moving past the Beatles, George did some awesome solo stuff. All Things Must Pass is one of my favorite albums ever, and if you haven’t heard it you should check it out ASAP.

In conclusion: if you pick the wrong Beatle, you may still have a chance, depending on your reasoning, but it’s going to be a serious uphill battle to win my affection and approval.

If you tell me you love Dave Matthews, though…

deuces

Source: girlsguideto.com

Breaking it off is hard to do…

There is a very firm difference between “breaking up” (i.e., ending a relationship) and “breaking it off,” (telling a guy you’re dating that you don’t want to see him again..)

Breaking up is a hideous business. It involves an in-person conversation/fight/world war during which one  or both of you explain your decision to no longer be together. It can, on occasion, involve crying, sobbing, name-calling, psycho-analyzing the other person, diving up your possessions, determining norms for future communication, and dividing up custody of mutual friends/favorite places to go out, etc.

The aftermath involves spending a lot of time in your car sobbing while listening an assortment of the following: Jewel’s “Pieces of You,” Mandy Moore’s “Wild Hope,”  and Taylor Swift’s “Red,” and basically any Kelly Clarkson song ever written.

There may or may not be instances where you find yourself on your couch, eating alternate handfuls of Kettlecorn and PopChips, waiting for your nightly dose of Benadryl to kick in so you can fall asleep in pool of your own tears and snot and grief. (Hypothetically, of course. Personally, I wouldn’t know anything about this.)

donut gif

Breaking it off is a slightly less hideous business. In fact, if a guy is breaking it off with you, it’s pretty easy to endure. One of two things happen:

1) They just disappear (Please see Fade Away for more info on how that looks)

Hmm..wait. That’s the only way I’ve ever personally experienced a guy breaking it off.  (CLASSY, BOYS!) But, in theory, I realize they could also do option 2.

2) Tell you, via text or a very short phone call, that they don’t want to see you anymore. (As I have learned from S, having this conversation IN PERSON is a real No.)

While I’ve definitely been momentarily bummed by the fade away, give me a few shots of Jameson, an episode of PLL, and a short pep talk from S, D, C, or one of my other lovely friends, and I’m over it. I mean, 1 or 2 dates is at max, 6 hours of my life and I’ll forget about that person soon enough.

That said, I don’t love being the one doing the “breaking it off.” I am actually a pretty nice person, despite my fervent hatred of cats and disdain for my peers who aren’t quite proficient in Shakespearean English. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, and hate to think of myself of the cause of even momentary disappointment.

If I’ve only been out with a guy three times or less, then I think it’s fair to break it off by text, especially if that’s how we have communicated previously. When they ask for a repeat date, and I’ve decided I don’t want to go on one, I just say, “No thanks.”

normal rejection

And, you see, they usually take it very graciously. I mean, like I said, most normal people don’t get that attached to one another after  2 interactions, during one of which they were probably drunk. Every once and awhile, though, you’ll get a bit of terrifying push back:

weird rejection

Ginnfer Goodwin? Is that you? HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT!

Anyway, so far,  I’ve been able to skate by, breaking it off by text. But a few weeks ago, I started dating a really nice guy, R. R was, in theory, kind of the perfect guy. Why?

1. He was smart AND hardworking. Intelligence has always been a turn-on for me. I love it when somebody can tell me something I don’t know already, and I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that a concise, wittily-worded email or text from a guy doesn’t cause a stomach flip. But I’ve usually been drawn to guys who are smart slackers. You know, unmotivated guys who spent most of high school and college smoking weed and cutting class, but got by with a little bit of Adderall and a whole lot of cramming. R was different. This was a guy who was not only naturally smart, but interested in getting smarter. He was good at his job, he cared about what he did, and he was interested in reading, studying, etc. to improve himself personally and professionally.

2. He was actually a nice guy. We all know many men who call themselves nice guys. Most of them aren’t, and I think actually just adopt the term, “Nice guy,” so they can complain about all the things that go wrong for them and make self-pitying comments about “finishing last.” R was a genuinely, nice, polite person. He was interested in making the world a better place, he cared about his friends and family, and he planned the nicest, most thoughtful dates for us.

3. He was an ideal planner and communicator. Dude, did R READ this blog? Did he eavesdrop on a brunch conversation that I had with my girlfriends? Because he did exactly what I wish every guy would do to plan and follow up on dates. He suggested a restaurant I’d been dying to try for our first date, and floated a few dates and times for me to choose from. He didn’t harass me with mindless texting, just to confirm the day before. After each subsequent date, he would follow up with a text to say what a great time he had, and then call to ask when he could see me again and suggest some some possible destinations for us. I cannot tell you how much of a draw this was for me. S and I frequently commiserate about men’s inability to plan ANYTHING. And, as a the bossy oldest child, the bossy colleague, the natural planner in my friend group, I am SO SICK of making decisions. I make decisions all day. I plan things all day. There is nothing that turns me on more than someone else making plans. I mean, if I could write, shoot, and film a porn for women, I would call it “Men Making Plans.” Srsly. And R did that. Flawlessly.

And yet, after 3 dates with R, I had no attraction to him. I tried booze, I tried different lighting, I tried giving myself a pep talk in the bathroom every time he was going to walk me home from the restaurant or bar. But I just didn’t want him to kiss me, and after openly dodging his kiss after date 3, I felt like it was only fair to break it off. So, when he, like clockwork, called the next day to ask me out again, I realized I had to call back and say no, for good.

I consulted several dating gurus before making the call. Here is the wisdom I gleaned, which I will now share with you, dear readers, should you ever have to dole out a lil rejection.

1. Keep it short. No one likes to be rejected. As soon as they hear the word no, they want to peace out, be pissed and a little bummed, and then move on. 

break up image 1

2. Don’t tell anyone your sob story. This advice came from my friend, I, who is the Professor Emeritus of dating in DC (I, please come guest blog for us!!). I wanted to tell this guy that I’d recently gotten out of a serious relationship, and that I just didn’t think I wasn’t ready to date anyone. Shes said, “Look, that sounds fake. And even though it isn’t fake, don’t burden him with your personal baggage. All he needs to know is that you don’t want to see him anymore. Don’t waste his time making excuses just cause it’ll make you feel better.

3. Do it in a timely way. R called me to ask me out again Wednesday. I called him back Thursday and delivered the news. This way, he can move on as soon as possible to someone better.

This wisdom worked. R was super gracious (of course, cause he’s a GREAT guy). I am sure he’s out right now, with some much more emotionally balanced woman, planning fabulous dates.

Real talk: Do I feel great? No. 

hannah girls

Rejecting a good guy definitely wakes up the little voice in my head that keeps telling me to freeze my eggs or look into adoption regulations in post-Soviet states, because I very well might die alone.

But, I’d rather die alone than settle. Right now, at least.

Got any other good wisdom about breaking it off with someone you’re casually dating? Leave it in the comments readers!