The return of the Good Message Unicorn (or how S learned to not GAF)

Something is happening here at Stucu. Maybe we’ve got the 1.5 to 2 year itch (a figurative itch, people. Gross.) Maybe it’s the recent rejection my co-bloggers and I have endured. Maybe the summer heat is making us crazier than usual…

crazy

Whatever the reason, we have kiiiiind of stopped giving a fuck. About rules. About conventions. Especially about being breezy. When I started online dating, I was fairly preoccupied with not coming off as pathetic or crazy or desperate, to guys, to you readers, to myself, to anyone. I’m not sure where this weird stigma comes from that says single girls in their 20s are batshit insane…

(OH WAIT)

…but I wanted to stay as far away from that stigma as possible.

However. As L mentioned, the more we date, or maybe the older we get, or maybe both, the less this stigma affects and concerns us. Two years into online dating, I’m basically like…

sound of music

Source: www.somegif.com

The other issue is just general human decency. If a guy acts like a douche, I’m feeling less and less inclined to just let it go. We know from experience that the standard of online dating behavior is laughably, pathetically low, but to quote a certain Disney ginger heroine…

Ariel-i-want-more

Source: justgraphicinterchangeformat.tumblr.com

Co-blogger D, what do you think of this GIF? (Co-blogger D has an inexplicably intense hatred for The Little Mermaid, which was my FAVORITE Disney movie as a kid. I know, she’s insane.) (It’s not inexplicable. In fact, I can easily explain it. Ariel is a selfish twat who shits all over her family, signs a deal with the devil, completely changes herself for a man she barely knows, and then is SHOCKED when it all goes awry. That is, until Daddy comes along and, despite all of her bad behavior and poor life choices, fixes everything with magic and gives her exactly what she wants. There is literally nothing to like about that horrid movie, other than “Kiss the Girl.” And Flounder is kinda cute. Yet everyone goes around touting it as great and “a classic.” THAT’S the inexplicable part.) (You see? Insane. Tempting as it is to take the bait and get pulled into D’s crazy world where animated movies for children make total sense and Disney characters are “twats” for not behaving like realistic, responsible adults, I’m going to spare you readers an impending Disney cage match and get back on topic.) (One last thing – the real Hans Christian Andersen version is so much better, and Ariel gets exactly what she deserves. Ok, carry on S, I will now abide by the cease-fire agreement and not comment any further.)

ANYWAY. As you read in her post last week, L and I have christened this summer ‘the summer of YOLO’. (What’s that? YOLO is a thing my roommate’s little sister said two summers ago when she was eighteen? It’s tired and lame and completely over? We can’t hear you, haters, because we’re too busy unironically YOLOing).

Basically, our goal is less of this:

clueless what's wrong with me

Source: rrrrubberbiscuit.tumblr.com

And more of this:

beyonce

Source: www.iworeyogapants.com

Now, for a real life example of this attitude shift in action.

Remember the great message I received literally days after D dumped me? When I was in what some might call a “fragile state” that essentially consisted of sobbing, sleeping, and ordering Thai takeout?

Refresher can be found here. In summary: I received a great message from a cute, seemingly eligible guy but was in no way ready to date again. This Good Message Unicorn and I messaged back and forth a few times until I revealed that I was post-break up and like a newborn foal wobbling around on its shaky little legs out in the single world. I asked him if I could contact him when I was ready to date, and he said that would be great.

Fast forward six weeks. Feeling confident that I was up for sitting across from a stranger over drinks again, I messaged GMU. He messaged back immediately and enthusiastically–WOOHOO! Then I replied, and…

tumbleweed

Source: choualbox.com

You guessed it, readers. Just like the mythical creature for which he was named, Good Message Unicorn disappeared into thin air.

Now, 2013 S? She would have been annoyed, and confused, but she would have dropped it at this point. She would have been afraid to demand an explanation for fear of seeming, well….

But 2014 S? Summer of YOLO S? She’s like…

life goes on

Source: pandawhale.com

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not rolling out some plan to go after every dude who’s ever pulled a fade away. Most of the time, if we haven’t met and a guy disappears, I take it as a sign that he lost interest, shrug it off, and move on. Because most of the time my interest level is only slightly above ‘would rather be watching House Hunters International’ at that point anyway, so it’s no skin off my nose.

But I liked that Unicorn. He had potential, and he seemed pretty into me before he rudely disappeared with zero explanation. I decided I wasn’t cool with things ending this way, so I messaged him. SUMMER OF YOLO, people.

In my message I pointed out that he’d disappeared without warning in the middle of (what I thought was) a great conversation, and told him I wanted to know why. I decided if he’d lost interest, met someone else, or was turned off by something I’d said, whatever it was I could handle it. And more importantly, I wanted to make him say it. No more slinking off like cowards, single men of Okcupid. You jerks.

Use your words

Source: theonlygirlamongboys.blogspot.com

Unsurprisingly, GMU didn’t reply that night, so I thought that was the end of my little experiment. But the next morning I woke up to a semi long-winded response. Allow me to summarize:

  • GMU was super apologetic he’d disappeared and insisted it wasn’t because he’d lost interest
  • He claimed he’d been “really busy at work” and hadn’t had time for Okc lately (sidenote: I call BULLSHIT on this excuse. It had been a week and a half since GMU disappeared, not two days. Are you a brain surgeon? Are you Secretary of State John Kerry and are you currently negotiating a cease fire in Gaza? Oh, you’re not? Then you’re NOT. THAT. BUSY. We all work; we all have a lot going on. If you don’t have literally four minutes out of your day for some human interaction, then don’t join an online dating site and initiate conversations with people. OR alternatively, just shoot me a message saying ‘hey, it’s a crazy week for me but can we meet up next Tuesday for drinks?’ Do I have to bust out the ‘use your words’ GIF again??
  • He claimed he had started to respond to my message, was trying to be witty and funny, never finished it, and by the time he went back to it was afraid too much time had gone by and he’d blown it.
  • He ended with something to the tune of “clearly I’m really bad at this online dating thing, but I’m definitely still interested, so if you’d be up for it, I’d love to take things offline and meet for drinks.”

Hmm. Well. I’d gotten my response. A long-winded response, some of which made no sense, but a response nonetheless. Now the real question was, what was I going to do about it? I briefly considered sassily telling GMU that he had blown it, dropping the mic and exiting stage left…

mic drop ben

Source: theonlygirlamongboys.blogspot.com

….but I thought about what the he’d said, the fact that he’d sincerely apologized, and the fact that he’d ended with getting to the effing point and asking to meet me in person. Sure, I was annoyed that he’d pulled the ‘I’ve been soooo busy’ BS excuse, but he was otherwise appropriately contrite. That’s what I was looking for. So, wouldn’t it make no sense at all to go to all this trouble and then not at least agree to meet this dude who claimed to still be into me? And who I clearly was still into?

1371257249_tumblr_lo9et1q9711qzbyhpo1_500

Source: genius.com

Yup. I YOLO’d again. I messaged back, gave him some shit for the ‘I’ve been busy’ line, gave him my phone number and left the rest up to him and the universe. I was done putting in any effort at this point; if homeboy really wanted to meet me, this was his chance, and I wasn’t doing another thing to make it happen.

Spoiler alert: we did meet. So, was it worth all of that trouble? Did the YOLO approach pay off? Stay tuned, dear readers, for a post on my date with the Good Message Unicorn with answers to these questions and more.

Lastly, D, nice try attempting to have the last word on our Disney feud, but it’s my post. Please enjoy some of the great Disney songs of our time, readers, and have a great weekend!

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Wish you were here: And other updates on L’s New Year’s Resolutions

Believe it or not readers, we are well into our second quarter of 2014. Which means it’s time to take a step back. Reflect. Mediate. Think about who we are, and what we have accomplished.

Biden SOTU

 http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/wp/2014/01/29/the-state-of-the-union-in-11-gifs-and-pictures/

Whoa, calm down Joe Biden. This state of the union isn’t that serious. But I do think it’s time for me to take pause and evaluate how I’ve done on my New Year’s Resolutions that I so boldly embraced back in December. 

Let’s have a look, shall we?

RESOLUTION #1: DATE ONE GUY AT A TIME

dumbledore

http://giphy.com/gifs/NsFDCblOHz9QI

You can join Dumbledore in offering me some tepid applause, because I’m actually doing a pretty good job on this one. Sure, my success is at least partially due to the fact that I went one some pretty terrible dates this winter. But, I’ve honestly made a concerted effort not to pack my schedule with dates with any promising bachelor in the OKC universe. The good part about this? I’ve been seeing the same guy for just shy of two months, and I actually might like him. The scary part? I’ve been seeing the same guy for just shy of two months, and I actually might like him, and I can’t hide my feelings behind the distractions with other guys.

Of course, I’ve kept my OKC profile active, because 1) it’s early yet and 2) I’m a well-respected semi-famous dating blogger after all, and I need that profile for professional reasons. And, before I had decided I was actually dating the bachelor of the moment, I had been exchanging messages with a couple promising guys on OKC. Rather than just disappearing into thin air, as many many online daters before me have done, I decided to take the direct approach to let them know I wasn’t interested in going out:

one guy at a time

HAHAHA. I gotta tell you readers, this guy’s response actually IMPRESSED me. I have a weakness for negative cynics, and as you have probably discerned, there is nothing I give more credit to than a direct, blunt response. So, it’s good to know, if things with T (promising bachelor) don’t work out, my Prince Charming Miserable may be out there.

Anyhoo, speaking of T, that brings me to …

RESOLUTION # 2: STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT HE’S THINKING, AND FOCUS ON WHAT I’M THINKING

This is a tricky one readers. While I was walking around last year feeling like the most romantically wounded adult on the planet, apparently 5000000 people were having the exact same feeling. What I’ve learned from my friends, colleagues, co-bloggers, and you, wonderful readers, is that most people who have been in any serious relationship, which has then ended, amicably or not, is pretty worried about getting hurt again. As a result, most of us spend time protecting ourselves, which means 1) not getting close enough to anyone to let them hurt us and 2) anticipating the moment where the other shoe will drop, and we’ll get hurt again. In fact, this phenomenon is so common that there is a whole TED talk on it (recommended by my friend A. Thanks A!) I strongly suggest that, if you are one of the 5 million of the aforementioned people who fear rejection like me, you watch it–after you’ve finished reading this post of course.

So, inspired by the TED talk and the stories of many, I am trying very very hard to just embrace the feeling of liking someone again. And to explore all the other feelings, and questions, and reflections that come with it. Am I always successful? No. (Per the read receipt incident S mentioned a few weeks ago). But I’m trying, and this is one of those rare times I think the journey is as important as the destination.

joker

http://giphy.com/gifs/cEYFeE1QgHWH2YADVHG

Yikes! That is one scary GIF. I get the message, Heath, don’t worry. I’ll get off my emotional soapbox now and go back to trying to get some cheap laughs…

RESOLUTION #3: GET BUZZED, NOT DRUNK

Barring what I like to call “the Mormon surprise of 2014”  (which is covered by the well known resolution clause which reads, when you are out with someone you can compare to Tom, Cruise and John Travolta, all bets are off), I thought I was doing a pretty decent job on this one. During a recent post-date Sunday morning brunch with C, I was patting myself on the back for this feat when C interrupted me. 

L: “And I mean, T kept saying I was drunk last night. But I wasn’t. He just doesn’t understand yet how freaking fun I am, even when I am sober.”

C: “I thought your New Year’s resolution was not to get drunk on dates.”

L: “Yeah, that’s what I just said. I didn’t get drunk on my date.”

C: “Yes you did.”

L: “NO I DIDN’T. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CRUSH THE BUTTERFLY THAT IS MY SPIRIT?”

C: (Pulls out cellphone) “Um, please look at these texts you sent me.”

drunk text c 1

drunk text c 2

L: (mouth agape) “I don’t even remember sending those texts.”

C: “I mean, could there be clearer evidence I am right? You actually said,  I got drunk [drink] on this date. You also said you wished I was there, which was weird.”

God bless, C, my real life sassy gay friend. 

Thanks to C, I am back on the wagon (and by wagon, I mean 4 drink max on dates).  Now, if only he’d help T pick out some better fitting shirts…

Overall  resolution-keeping grade: B. I picked some hard resolutions y’all. (Esp 2 and 3!). I’ve done better on them than the year before, but there is still plenty of room for improvement in quarters 3 and 4.

Regrets: I don’t have any. All three of these resolutions are increasing my quality of life. And besides, I don’t believe in regrets.  YOLO.