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I got dumped (and lived to blog about it), Part 2

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When we last left our heroine (me, duh) she had just been dumped by her boo of almost five months, D. She had also just decided, possibly against her better judgment, to go out for a drink with him in the hopes of getting some closure. And now for the thrilling (nope) conclusion of S and D’s break up story.

We drove to the bar in silence. D parked in one of those insane new garages where there are no humans operating anything and your car gets taken away/moved around by a conveyor belt. I stared at this spectacle, dumbfounded, the absurdity of my situation finally sinking in: I was out on a post break up non-date with someone who had just rejected me. We were about to drink some alcohol and say what we needed to say to one another. My brain was suddenly like:

leslie knope bad

via: http://www.hercampus.com/life/21-worst-parts-winter-break-told-amy-poehler

Too late, though. It was done. We walked into a crowded bar. Music was blasting and there were zero dark corners for me to cry anonymously in, so we walked right back out. It was still pouring so I made an exec decision to go into the next place we passed. As we walked in, it hit me: it was the site of our second date. I didn’t really mention D’s and my second date on this blog, because it was so completely bizarre I honestly didn’t know what to make of it when it happened. In summary, we both drank too much, he got sassy, and I yelled at him. When I walked away from the date I thought I’d never see or hear from him again. Fast forward five months…

“Do you realize where we are?” I asked him. “Of course,” he said. “I didn’t suggest it because I thought it might be too weird.” I shrugged. Things were already so weird, a monkey could have seated us at that point and I probably wouldn’t have been fazed.

We were shown (by a human) to the very back of the restaurant and sat at a long bar facing the kitchen. The waitress took our drink orders and I could feel her stare as she looked back and forth between me, doing this:

gretchen weiners crying

via: http://sidmalkin.tumblr.com/post/79130923727/one-time-i-met-sid-at-one-of-the-starbucks-in

  and D, doing this:

jim

via: http://splatter.com/tag/funny/page/8/

A few sips of legal sedative later and I was much calmer. We started to talk and it was minimally awkward, at least for me. I was surprised that D and I seemed to be on the same page about so many aspects of our relationship:

  • how lately things had felt off between us during the week but then great again when we’d see each other in person
  • how we both felt lonely and alone sometimes, especially at night, even when we were together
  • how we were incredibly similar in many ways and how that may not have been the best thing for two people in a relationship

I admitted to D that one of the things I had liked most about him in the beginning was that he was super clear about how he felt about me and what he wanted. For the first time maybe ever with a guy I’d felt like I could relax and just enjoy being with him and getting to know him. I should have known, of course, when that feeling slowly started to be replaced by anxiety, that something was up. I did also reprimand him for not being honest with me sooner and making me feel like a crazy person for suspecting something was wrong the last few weeks we were together. It felt good. He took it like a champ.

I cried basically the entire time, and I am really not a crier, or at least I wasn’t until I started online dating. AMIRITE?

Kristen-Bell-Laughing-to-Crying

via: http://reactiongifs.me/30-living-with-parents/

I wonder if Okcupid wants to use that glowing endorsement on their homepage. Shoot me an email, Sam Yagan. Anyway, I’m sharing this embarrassing crying detail only so I can also share a funny anecdote: since it was a rainy Tuesday, the bar was basically empty and the servers and busboys were all standing around close to where D and I were sitting. The longer we sat there, the more they noticed my crying, and the more blatantly they glared at D. By the end of the night, many of them were giving him the straight up stink eye as if he was an abusive boyfriend (which wouldn’t have been the worst guess given the scene they were witnessing). It reminded me of this wonderful vintage Scrubs clip (except obviously D pissed off the waitstaff, not Asians):

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the honesty, maybe it was the dirty looks D was getting from total strangers, but I started to feel… better. Like I actually understood what had happened and why it had happened. Like I knew where D’s head was at and got to say everything I wanted to say to him. Like I could move on. Hey, what do we call that, Rachel Green?

closure

via: http://www.tvfanatic.com/forum/gossip-girl/friends/page-84.html

And that was that. There was no drama. No one yelled or stormed out. The whole thing felt very…mature. I suppose my lifelong dream of throwing a drink in someone’s face will just have to wait.

We left the bar, watched D’s car being lowered absurdly onto the street, and he drove me home. I had been thinking about what would come next ever since he told me at the beginning of the night that he wanted to stay friends. Maybe I’ve seen When Harry Met Sally one too many times, but I’ve always kind of scoffed at that idea of being friends with an ex.

This feels different, though. I mean, I still need time to process things and let the dust settle a bit before 100% knowing what I want. But I think (and I hope) that D and I can be friends. I don’t know in what capacity, and I don’t know what that says about our relationship to begin with (were we always meant to just be friends all along?) but I think I’d like to give it a try.

I’m curious about other people’s experiences with this, though. You know what that means… reader poll time!

I know D wasn’t the right guy for me, romantically speaking. Even before he dumped me I think I knew, deep down, that one of us would have to end it eventually. But I don’t feel like I wasted my time. I don’t regret giving it another shot after that awful second date. I honestly think he was what I needed at this moment in my life. Beyond the fact that I had a lot of fun with him, I also think I just needed to know that there are nice, decent, considerate, thoughtful guys out there. After being jerked around by commitment phobic douchebags all last year, I needed someone to remind me that I deserve more.

I think what’s making me so sad is this: I’m going to miss his company. Even though we didn’t work as a couple, we had a connection and we had a lot in common. D became that person who I texted and chatted with on pretty much a daily basis, shared details about my day with, exchanged music, stories, and random crap from the internet with, tried new restaurants with, went to museums with, shared inside jokes with, and just did all the wonderful fun stuff that you do in an exclusive relationship. Saying goodbye to him, and to that, feels really lonely.

One thing that has made me feel better is the outpouring of ‘I know this sucks–I’ve been there’ texts and emails I’ve gotten from friends and readers. I also happened to catch an old Parcs and Rec on TV last week when I was glued to my couch in a post break up coma, and it made me seriously LOL. The fool who posted the video disabled embedding, so click the link below to enjoy these (fictitious but still amazing) breakup stories from Leslie Knope:

On the bright side, none of those things happened to me. And as awful as it was, at least D had the decency to 1. be honest with me and 2. end things in person. He could have faded away or even pulled a Jack Berger, although I’m pretty sure this is just the early 2000s version of a text breakup:

Do you have a break up story to share? And do you feel like cheering this dumped blogger up? Tell me about it in the comments and I’ll be forever grateful.

Worst date ever contest–vote for your fave!

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S here, blogging live from my couch on a Saturday night. Someone had a little too much to drink at her office holiday party last night (that someone was me) and is still recovering from a nasty hangover. IN MY DEFENSE, mom, I was a perfect, professional lady until some co-workers and I went out after the main event. Things went slightly downhill from there. Not Bridget Jones’s Diary office Christmas party karaoke level downhill….but not too far off, either.

bridget jones

PS just spent way too much of my life searching for that clip on Youtube. No dice. In addition to last night’s madness, the night before, Thursday night, I also got inexplicably toasted on a first date. Which I will 100% be telling you all about next week, so stay tuned. What I’m trying to explain to you guys is: mama’s liver needs a break. 

Never fear, though. I’m here to blow up your phones with this update while you’re all out doing really cool shit and living your lives. My neighbors upstairs, for instance, are throwing what sounds like an amazing Christmas party. Meanwhile, I’m rocking Old Navy candy cane flannel pjs (#blessed) and working towards my December goal of watching every single Hallmark Channel Original Holiday Movie of 2013.

You probably thought that was a joke. Oh ye of little faith. Here’s why these movies are so great: If ABC Family is the luxury vehicle of original Christmas programming, and Lifetime is the nice, mid-level sedan, then Hallmark Channel is like… my 2006 Hyundai Elantra. Basic, made cheaply and efficiently, and f*cking fantastic. Here’s what I’m currently enjoying:

let it snow

Oh hey, DJ Tanner. Lookin’ hot in your budget ski resort wardrobe. Good for you, girl. 

Anyway. Sad singleton cliches aside, let’s get down to business. We hope you’ve enjoyed reading this week’s worst date ever contest entries as much as we have. And now…. it’s time to vote! We shared five entries in total. Please vote for your favorite in the poll below. We will leave the poll up until Friday, the 13th (dun dun dunnnn) and announce our three winners then.

If you missed any or all of the stories, you can scroll down to read them or click here:

Thanks again for reading, participating, and making us LOL with these amazing tales of terror. Happy voting, and happy Saturday night, from me and the Hallmark Channel. 

Ask LSD: Should a guy pay on a first date?

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First dates are inherently awkward, but that magical moment when the check comes can be especially cringe-worthy. There are no rules. There’s no set protocol. Every guy and every situation is different. So before we regale you with our real life tales and experiences, here are our takes on this divisive issue (grab a drink and settle in, because this is a long one):

Should a guy pay on a first date?

S: I consider myself to be a modern, independent woman, but on a first date I think in general the guy should pick up the tab. I know that opinion doesn’t really scream ‘modern’ or ‘independent’, but hear me out. First and foremost, my date (presumably) asked me out, so I’m there on his invitation. And since he invited me, it’s a nice gesture, a show of generosity and courtesy, to pay for that initial round of drinks. If I do the asking in the future, I will 100% offer to throw down (and actually I always offer…I’ll get to this in a sec.)

Second, the vast majority of the time, I literally do all the work on these dates. And if you think it’s not work to keep a steady stream of conversation going with a strange dude, you obviously have not had the pleasure of experiencing online dating. I come up with most of the conversation topics, I ask follow up questions, I act interested when I couldn’t care less about NCAA brackets. Basically I keep the whole thing from being spectacularly boring. I can literally count on one hand the number of guys who contributed equally to the conversation and didn’t make me feel like I was working a part time job while being out with them. On a first date I’m gracious, friendly, funny, engaged, and interested, and I’m lucky to get three out of those fives things in return. So I’m thinking you can go ahead and spring for that Hoegaarden, sir. (Preach, S! Sometimes I literally feel like a working girl, minus the compliments from Richard Gere, given the immense effort I am making to not die of boredom.)

Finally, I am not one of those girls who never reaches for her wallet. After that first time, I expect to take turns paying for things 50/50, because we’re both adults and we’re both equals. You’re not setting some precedent by paying the first time around, you’re just showing that you have good manners.

L:  Not necessarily. I think the person who should offer to pay on the first date is the person who asked the other person out. In most cases, it’s the guy, but in some cases, it’s been me. And if I do the asking, I offer. That said, only one guy has ever taken me up on that offer. And then he offered to get the next round.

At the end of the day, I think whole routine of paying for the date is just about courtesy. If you picked the place and the activity, be a host and offer to treat. Please know I was on a horrific date last week (shameless teaser for future post) where we got frozen yogurt. The guy I was with actually told the cashier to ring us up separately. I was furious because 1) he ASKED me and 2) I think NOT offering is really rude. The objective of a date is to build some type of relationship with a person (even if it’s just for an evening), and I think part of that relationship involves taking care of them a little. And, anyone worth their salt, woman or man, will return the favor next time.

D:  So I don’t really have a lot to add here. I’ve been attending a document review for DAYS, and literally couldn’t bring myself to look at anything with words by the time I got home each night. I just made myself a sandwich and stared blankly at the tv for a few hours, then went to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. So by the time I got in on this action, L and S had already said pretty much everything I would have. To sum up: 1) I appreciate it when the guy picks up the tab, but 2) I think whoever initiated the date should, at the very least, offer to pay.

What do you do on a date when the check comes?

S: I’m going to sound like a loon after my above answer, but I always offer to split it. Am I going to judge you if you take me up on my offer? Yes. Is it, in a sick way, a bit of a test? Correct. But it’s mostly just because I cannot physically go out somewhere and not offer to throw cash down, even if I fully expect someone else to pay. The example I give for this is, think back to when a friend’s parents were visiting in college and took you out to dinner. You would offer to contribute when the bill came, but you’d never expect to actually pay. Why? Because you weren’t an asshole. And I’m not either. It’s the polite thing to do. So has anyone actually taken me up on this super polite offer? Stay tuned…

L: Yup-I also offer to split it. To date, no one has ever let me. And, I am not going to lie, even with all the waxing poetic I am doing about being full-on OK with paying for things, I’d be a liar if I didn’t say I appreciate the free drink/meal/movie ticket. (I keep myself on a lean, mean budget, and every penny counts). But honestly, I don’t think I’d be offended if they took me up on it. There are just so many other offensive things men can do on dates, and I have to pick my battles.

D:  Just like L and S, I always reach for my wallet. S’s college analogy is perfect. I don’t actually want to pay for myself, but the polite thing to do is offer. As soon as he says “no, I got this”, I say thank you and put the wallet away. I’m certainly not going to put up a fight.

Have you ever split the bill on a first date?

S: Yes. This happened to me for the first time recently. Before that, every dude insisted on paying on the first date and some who I went out with multiple times insisted on paying for everything, always (one guy literally wouldn’t let me buy the popcorn at the movies). In general though, taking turns paying has worked out great.

Anyway, I was on a first date with K and we had just finished dinner. Yes, dinner. When K asked me out, he went right into making dinner plans by asking me if I liked sushi. After some back and forth, I broke my anti-meal rule and agreed. The date was not bad overall; he was smart and nice, but I was (per usual) carrying the conversation. Since he didn’t live in the city I had picked the place… inexpensive and also a BYO (side note… he brought not a bottle of wine but sake. Sake. If you think I didn’t shout “SAKE IT TO ME, BABY” at one point, you would be wrong. I know… how am I still single?)

Anyway, the bill came, K grabbed it, and I did my little ‘would you like to split it?’ song and dance. Except he looked up and said, ‘Sure’. My poker face is non-existent, especially three sakes deep, so I think I must have looked horrified. But what could I do? I offered, and I shouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t prepared for him to take me up on it. So I paid, silently judging K, said goodnight, and promptly called L for a gut check. Was I being completely ridiculous for being annoyed with this guy? I know I offered, but he was the one who asked me out and then basically insisted that we have dinner. Yes he brought booze (albeit really weird booze) but I was 100% the life of the party, per usual, and then I had to throw down for my rainbow roll. L said that if I liked him I should definitely still see him again , but other friends of mine were all:

tumblr_lvq2enRpBq1qc67tzo1_500

The more I thought about it though, the more I realized I’d be a real asshole if I ditched this guy on a technicality. K was an otherwise nice, smart dude who drove into the city at rush hour to meet me. Also, to be fair to him, it’s not like he took the bill and obnoxiously said “You owe 24 bucks”. I actually think he would have just paid if I hadn’t offered (damn it). So I went out with him again. And the next time around, not only was the conversation much better, but he insisted on paying. I don’t know if his mom got wind that he let his date pay and slapped him, or if he just went along with my offer because he wasn’t sure what to do in that admittedly awkward moment. Either way, K actually turned out to be a really thoughtful, generous guy: on our third date he brought me flowers and cooked me an elaborate meal. So yes, in hindsight I feel stupid about having made the sushi incident a “thing”. PS I’m still seeing K… stay tuned. (I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that I was right. You’re welcome, S!) (You’re wise beyond your years, L.)

L: Only with one guy.  I bought round one of drinks and he bought round 2. (This is technically different from splitting, but since I still paid first, I’m still counting it.) And on our second date, he let me leave the tip. And this is the one guy I’m still seeing. (Please don’t get too excited by the term “seeing”, readers. It means we’ve gone out since then and I’m spending a lot of time analyzing his frequent text messages.)

But my point is, my interest in this guy has nothing to do with if he’s paid for things or not. I’m interested in him because he’s smart, funny, and has used many opportunities, besides picking up the bill, to demonstrate he’s a nice, courteous person. I’m also just grateful to have a date whose conversation isn’t 1) dull or 2) evidence of a severe social disability. If my date sucks, then I am furious that I invested time in the first place, and would be more furious if I invested money. So gentleman, show me a good time! That’s my bottom line.

D:  No. I have, thankfully, been out with gentlemen who always picked up the tab on the first date. Which is something I really appreciate – it’s nice to be treated like a lady on the first date. But unlike my quick “thank you” at the end of the first date, once we hit a second date I’m usually a little more insistent on splitting things, or at least picking up some portion of the tab. I am a grown ass woman with a job after all, I don’t expect every date to be a free meal or movie ticket. Like S said, we’re equals.

And lastly, I can’t help get all Leslie Knope on you guys and talk a little bit about the issue behind this issue, which in my mind, is gender equity and the male/female wage gap. Full time female workers make 77 cents on the dollar that every man makes. (Nerd out more on gender pay gaps here if you don’t believe me). This is a dating blog, so I am going to refrain from writing a white paper about how wrong this is. But I am going to say that I really hope, when I have a daughter, and she starts dating (Yikes!), that the guy expects her to pay on the first date. Because men will making 77 cents to women’s dollars. And we’ll be running the world. It will look something like this:

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton checks her PDA upon her departure in a military C-17 plane from Malta bound for Tripoli, Libya

**I’d like to thank L for that beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful end to our discussion, especially after I posted a 3 minute Youtube clip featuring a character named Alotta Fagina.

Reader poll:

Ask LSD

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In honor of Valentine’s Day we’re covering a topic that has the potential to be both super romantic and super awkward. And to all the singletons out there, please enjoy this lovely little ditty and allow it to brighten your day. Today’s question is:

How do you feel about kissing on a first date?

S:

For me it totally depends on the situation (and obviously the dude). Even if it was a really good date, I don’t necessarily want or expect a kiss at the end. Lord knows I’ve had some decent dates end with a not so awesome kiss: one where we’d both just shared garlicky mussels and had terrible breath (I know, gross), and another where the guy literally just opened his mouth and ate my face, earning him the illustrious nickname of trouty mouth.

Assuming I like the guy, one of the things that matters most to me (besides minty fresh breath) is location… where will this potential kiss be going down? In a car? On a quiet street? On a busy street? On public transportation? Call me old fashioned but I’m not a fan of playing tonsil hockey with a near stranger in public. One of the most awkward post-date kisses I’ve ever had was on a busy street at the top of the stairs to the subway with two cops and a biker ten feet away from us. Also, it was summer and we’d only met for happy hour, so it was still light out! This was no quick kiss, either; the guy really went for it. And it was juuuuust as awkward as you’re imagining.

But if we have a bit of privacy and it’s obvious that we’re both into it then sure, you can make a move. Just please set it up  slowly enough that if I’m horrified by the idea, I can politely block your advance without embarrassing the hell out of both of us. So far, I’ve only had one guy attempt a kiss when it was totally unwelcome, and I think that’s partially because if the date is bad, I usually run like hell at the end of it before there’s even a chance. I’m classy like that.

D:

I’m not opposed to it entirely, but I generally lean towards no.

I’m open to the idea if I already know the guy before our first date. As for a guy I met through online dating, while I can’t say I would never want to kiss on the first date, 99% of the time it would be an unwelcome advance (even if I like the guy). Despite my long history of developing instant crushes on people, it usually takes me more than just a few hours to warm up to a guy enough to warrant that kind of physical contact. Most of it is that I’m shy about that kind of thing. But also, I just don’t know you enough. Sure we’ve exchanged a few messages online and maybe a few texts (hopefully just a few), and we’ve now spent some time together, but I still really don’t know that much about you. You were on your best behavior during our date, which I appreciate don’t get me wrong. And not that you’re going to be totally yourself by the 2nd date, but I’ll have a better idea about how I feel by then. So I’d rather wait.

And if we do make it to the 2nd date, like S says, do it slowly. Not only because it still affords me an opportunity to block, but also because it’s just nicer that way.  

L:

I’m pretty open to it. Then again, I’m also open to whitewater rafting and binge drinking, but that doesn’t mean I say yes at every opportunity. For me, it boils down to a few key factors:

1) How attracted am I to the guy? If the guy is hot and I’m super attracted to him, I’m into it. Even if he was a total jerk all night, at least I can add him to the list of “hot guys I kissed.” (This list is mental, not actually written on my fridge, so please don’t worry.) Also, I figure that if he’s super hot, there is an 80% chance he won’t call me again, and in that case, I might as well take this hot piece of @$$ while the opportunity presents itself. (I’m only half kidding). And gentlemen, don’t judge me, I bet most of you would take the same approach.

2) What’s the breath situation? Did we just chow down on Indian food? Or chug Miller Lites? (Chugging beer… that’s my idea of a great date! ) Do I have access to a mint? Does he have access to a mint? I have a strong bad breath phobia, and I fear if the first time is stinky, it’ll be hard for me and him to get past that.

3) Where are we? I agree with S, place matters a ton. This is where having a car, provided you can find it, works strongly to a guy’s advantage. I think it’s the safest place for a first date kiss. 

4) What’s his strategy for initiating the kiss? Real talk–first kisses make me nervous. So the faster you go, actually, the better chance you have at catching me before I’ve had a chance to over-think it and panic and step away. One of my guy friends used to call it the “shock and awe” method, and usually, it works. (Editor’s note: not always)

5) How much have we had to drink? Ya’ll, it’s called liquid courage for a reason. And alcohol impairs judgement and slows movement. Please reflect on the people you made out with in college. See what I mean?

6) Do I want to see this guy again? Weirdly, this matters less to me. I mean, clearly, if I don’t want to see him again, I won’t kiss him. Instead, I copy S’s “run like hell” strategy. But, if I like the guy enough to see him again, I am open to a kiss. Might as well get it over with. And, if he judges me for being “too easy,” he’s not my kind of guy. This is the 21st century people, and you can’t get any diseases from kissing.

Reader poll! Tell us:

 

Got a question for LSD? Email us at stucublog@gmail.com, or leave one in the comments section.