Flirts and other Fails: Jdate, the remix

Per usual readers, I have a confession to make. No, this confession doesn’t feature me deeply offending a date or flagrantly breaking my first date rules. Instead, I’m about to tell you something about which I am a bit more ashamed. But I have to tell you, because I don’t like secrets between me and the internet (unless it’s my search history after a night of binge drinking that includes things like “what to do about underarm fat?” or “what can I catch from a toilet seat?”)

Now that I’ve begun gradually embarrassing myself, I’ll just come out and say it:

I rejoined Jdate.

After all that whining and complaining last summer about how much I hated it, I decided to give it another go. Why, you ask? GREAT QUESTION.

I disabled my OKC profile shortly after my date with the Kid, because I just wasn’t feeling the dating thing.

larry david dating

http://www.buzzfeed.com/katieheaney/24-signs-dating-isnt-for-you#3qqsag1

But then, a few days ago, I decided I wanted to get back out there. But I wanted something new (ish). OKC, while still my favorite dating site, has allowed me to indulge in some bad patterns, which can be summed up in one run on sentence: I love to go out with guys who are cute BUT 1) not that nice 2) have a serious drug problem, or 3) I have nothing in common with, or 4) all of the above. This is what happens when you’re too shallow and make your decisions based on looks, folks.

Deterred from Match and Eharmony due to the horrific experiences of my co-bloggers, I decided I had, perhaps, been too hard on Jdate, and decided to give it another try.

After a couple days, I’ve learned that, of course, the problem was not that I was too hard on Jdate. It’s that I wasn’t hard enough on Jdate. It’s fertile soil for mockery and complaints, my latest of which include:

1. It is possible they don’t have a single engineer or web designer on staff. I mean after one year, it’s “nice” to know Jdate has  not improved its user experience AT. ALL. It still looks like it was created by a high school senior in 1999 who was experimenting with an early version of Javascript. Moreover, I can’t load the site on my phone half the time. It just half loads, and then freezes my new iphone 5. 

2. They still can’t figure out where I live. Even though you have to indicate your current city of residence in your profile, and, EVEN THOUGH I have marked 50 times that my preference is to see guys in the DMV area, my Jdate homescreen is usually populated with “Member Spotlights” featuring men (and sometimes women) from as far away as Columbus, Ohio. I am sure this is especially heartening news to those suckers out there who shelled out the extra $5 to have a “member spotlight” feature. 

3. They continue to run a fascist ship, uncomfortably reminiscent of some very dark times in our people’s history. When I rejoined Jdate, I decided to freshen up my username a bit. Turns out, if you change your username, you have to undergo a highly scrutinized review process (similar to a CIA level background check or when the Bar Association makes you submit character references). Until your new screen name is approved, Jdate assigns you a MEMBER ID, which is a nine digit string of numbers. Jdate, COULD YOU THINK OF SOMETHING IN SLIGHTLY BETTER TASTE than assigning me, granddaughter of a Holocaust survivor, an ID that involves a string of numbers? POOR TASTE, JDATE. POOR TASTE.

But my biggest complaint about Jdate right now is the presence of a stupid little feature called the “flirt.” Flirts are basically the equivalent of facebook pokes, but for single adult strangers, which makes them all the more sad.

Basically, flirts are something a Jdate member can send another  member to indicate interest without having to go through the trouble of typing 2-3 sentences based on the other user’s profile. Instead, Jdate crafts some dumb one liners that make you sound lazy or cheesy, or if you are lucky, both. Behold some examples:

flirt example 1

Wait? WTF? You are sending me a message to “get the conversation started” and your way of getting the conversation started is to tell me to do it myself? Does it get any lazier than this?

horizontal runningilltumblrforya.com

Or, there is this gem:

flirt example 2

Excuse me, but did you just ask me why I was still single (in a totally outdated, cheesy, Uncle Geoffrey-esque way?)

uncle geoffrey

http://gifsoup.com/view/4604861/hop-hop.html 

If I knew why I was still single, dude, I wouldn’t be on here in the first place.

Finally, they say there is no such thing as a stupid question. Unless of course, Jdate is generating the question. Behold:

flirt example 3

Again, WHAT IS HAPPENING? You are already writing me! That is presumably why we both signed up for this online dating service! How do I respond to this? With a simple, “Yes????” 

Now look, it would be depressing enough if these men were crafting these messages themselves. But what sets Jdate apart is that they actually craft these absurd pick up lines, and then encourages members to send them.

Do us a favor Jdate, and listen to Nina Garcia.

nina garcia

http://giphy.com/gifs/FExBzCja8eghi

No. Just no.

But in all seriousness readers, does one respond to these sort of things? I know guys are probably sending them because they are too scared/lazy/sick of being ignored to craft a personalized message. On the one hand, I don’t want to hold this against them, but on the other, I feel like I am worth at least a two uniquely crafted sentences. And, as you can see, these flirts are actually really hard to respond to, since the questions/statements are so senseless. So if you have advice for me, leave it in the comments section, and I’ll let you know how it goes.

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The Weeknight Only Policy: Part 2

A few weeks ago, my Saturday night date canceled on me hours before our dinner plans. Frustrated and annoyed, I wrote this post. Well, I thought you’d all like to know what happened. Please, try to contain your shock when I tell you…

We never went out again. He officially disappeared off the face of the earth. BUT, it was not a cut and dry case of he canceled and I never heard from him after that. N0 no, that would be too easy and would make too much sense. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about online dating, it’s that nothing anyone does makes any sense whatsoever.

Additionally, now that I’ve officially branded this dude as a flaky jerk, I also would like to share that while we had a very nice first date and hit it off fairly well, and I did find him very smart and funny, I was not attracted to him. Like, at all. I agreed to a second date because I liked him, and a lot of times attraction grows for me after I get to know someone a bit, but I’m telling you… this dude almost immediately reminded me (appearance wise, not personality wise, dear God) of Dwight Schrute.

Dwight

Yes. Dwight Schrute.

I should have known, because his two profile pictures were fuzzy and unclear. Will I never learn? And yes, I realize it’s not nice to make fun of someone’s appearance on your dating blog, but then again, it’s not nice to cancel a date same day and disappear without an explanation, so…. the truth hurts, Dwight.

Anyway, let’s review.

When we last left our charming heroine (ahem, me), she had just been canceled on by her homely but personable date, Dwight, mere hours before they were to meet for dinner. Dwight was super apologetic, claiming that he’d come down with the flu and was feeling awful. A bevy of texts describing his symptoms and the doses of NyQuil he was currently taking followed.

….I wish that was an exaggeration.

blog 1

blog 2

Then this:

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As you can see, he was apologetic to the point where it was  a bit much. Like okay, you canceled our date; you didn’t murder my family. No need to flog yourself like that albino in the Da Vinci Code (yeahhh that pop culture reference had some dust on it. Now I feel like I should throw an outdated musical reference your way, too…. boom. You’re welcome).

This song and dance continued for THREE MORE DAYS: him dramatically updating me on on his symptoms…

blog 3

…asking what I was up to, and talking about possible dates to reschedule. I reciprocated but it was getting old fast. And then…nothing. Silence. Honestly I was rapidly losing my patience with Dwight at that point, so I was kind of glad. I had some other dates lined up so I thought good riddance, my beet farming friend.

299x298px-LL-8bedf97e_Fact-Bears-eat-beets-Bears-Beets-Battlestar-Galactica

That was weeks ago. I totally forgot about Dwight and went on multiple other dates. Then yesterday I was looking through old messages for blog material, and I saw that Dwight had completely deleted his okc account. My rage returned, full force. What the eff could explain this dude’s shadiness? Another girl? Multiple identities? Hosting out of town guests? And why the big song and dance if he was just going to disappear?

Dwight, if you’re out there and you did not in fact die of the terrible influenza you so vividly described to me, and you somehow find this blog, I want you to understand that I’m not writing this because I’m still bummed that you blew me off. Hell no. 1. I’m completely over it, and 2. I didn’t like you that much in the first place. Seriously.

My real issue comes down to this:

You wasted my time, asshole.

Do you know how much great TV I could have been watching instead of lamely shooting the shit with you for days on end? (A lot). How many other dudes I could have chatted with in the time it took to text back and forth about the state of your sinuses? (At least one). How many hilarious blog posts I could have written rather than fake reschedule plans? (Tons, but I’m making up for that now). So if you’ll excuse me, I’m not going to spend another minute talking or thinking about you. I’m going to spend my time working on something far more productive and worthwhile. Deuces.