Message Monday: young, single and a tad stupid

I’m not sure why, but my Okc messages seem to be getting more…involved. In other words, random as shit. The pendulum has apparently swung from the standard one word “hi”, “hey”, and “sup” right on over to the to the other extreme. First it was last week’s white trash soliloquy, and now this:

message monday young single and a tad stupid.JPG

First of all:

Could we cool it with the caps lock, sir? Also, don’t shout/type at me to “focus”. I’m already reading your message, you lunatic, so please take it the fuck down a notch and maybe lay off the Adderall next time. 

Second, I was actually online this past Saturday night because I was at a get together with some friends and we were talking about the Tinder-esque “locals” feature on Okc. My married friends, bless their happily-in-love-and-therefore-naive-to-the-h0rrors-of-being-single hearts, wanted to know more about it, so I whipped my phone out and let them swipe away. I realize that this weirdo had no way of knowing that that’s why I was online, but I just want to establish for the record that I wasn’t pathetically trolling for dudes on a Saturday night (at least not on this particular Saturday night).

Third, that little “701,265 hours” line sounds awfully familiar…

Fourth, a “relaxing respite” at the Art Museum steps at 2 am sounds like a one way ticket to Murdersville, population: me. Also, everyone knows that you don’t go to the Art Museum steps to relax; you go to kick ass/be swarmed by a flash mob of small children:

Anyway, I’m thinking you can guess what my thoughts were on this “proposition”:

hard pass

Source: http://you-got-corn-x.tumblr.com/page/252

Let’s move on, shall we? I realize that my recent contributions to the blog have consisted exclusively of the following:

but I just want you all to know that I’ve decided to officially get back out there in June. I’m honestly kind of dreading it, and by “kind of” I mean I cried on the phone with L last night after being active on Okcupid for exactly one day. Dating is hard, man. So. Hard. And exhausting. And depressing. And it’s been two solid years of this shit. To be fair, I know plenty of people who have been been in the game for much longer, both in real life and in fiction:

but I also know people who have never had to do it in their lives, and I’m really feeling the jealousy and injustice of that fact right now. Lucky motherfuckers.

Anyway, I can’t promise that I’ll go out with someone right away, because yesterday’s cursory glance onto Okc has confirmed that the dating landscape is just as soul crushingly bleak as ever. I am definitely planning on contacting the Good Message Unicorn from last month, but knowing my luck he’s proooobably engaged by now. Either way, I promise to keep you all posted on my (lack of) progress.

Meanwhile, while I’ve been getting my sea legs back/being a serious Negative Nancy, my co-bloggers have been busy going on actual dates with actual men. Stay tuned for some first date tales later in the week!

tom haverford

Source: http://www.zap2it.com/blogs/happy_birthday_aziz_ansari_treat_yourself_to_some_tom_haverford_gifs-2014-02

 

 

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LSD’s favorite things (about online dating)

It’s almost Christmas! Queen Connie and her adorable nugget are spreading cheer, one Gap ad at a time…

connie britton gap ad

Mariah Carey’s Christmas album is on repeat until further notice…

And as it turns out, love actually is all around. Duh.

So despite the fact that yours truly just turned 29, we’re pretty cheerful over here at Stucu. (I’ve been 29 for 4 months now, and honestly? Being that much closer to 30 actually does fill me with cheer. I can’t fucking wait for my 30s – I have high hopes for that decade of my life. Peace OUT 20s.) The one thing missing from this holiday season? Favorite things. No, I don’t mean these favorite things…

Although they’re pretty good, too, so long as Carrie Underwood doesn’t show up to ruin them (bitch). I actually mean these favorite things:

COME ON. Was there anything better than that decade or so of annual lunacy? The shameless, unbridled consumerism? The sheer hysteria of those audience members? Oprah’s run as a benevolent she-Santa may be over, but the memories live on in our hearts and minds, as do the most important things…the gifs. So as our gift to you, dear readers, please enjoy a list of our favorite things about online dating, coupled with some very special gifs courtesy of The Mighty O herself.

LSD’s Favorite Things about Online Dating

Good answers to profile questions

favoritethingsmanclapping

Like these:
can't do without shark week

steve buscemi

ball pit

Those two answers to “the six things I could never do without” are proof that people can get this question right. Guys consistently lose points with me when they answer literally. Everyone knows you can’t live without oxygen and air and food. DUH. Not only are those answers inane and uncreative, they tell me nothing about you. But needing shark week to survive? Requiring Steve Buscemi in your life like you require water? That tells me you have a sense of humor. Or at the very least that you have a thing for Steve Buscemi. Either way, you’re already more interesting than those other guys. And kudos to that third guy for taking control of what being a grown up means. I aspire to be more like that, and less like the grown up that I’ve become (filled with anxiety and questioning my life decisions daily). These answers give me hope for my dating future.

When you show up to the date and the person is better looking than they are in their pictures

oprah 2

As we’ve all learned from past experiences, showing up for your first online date requires a leap of faith. A leap of faith that the person you’re going to meet is the person he or she describes in their profile, and, their profile pictures. You’ve all heard me complain about guys being LESS attractive than their profile photo. However, the regret I feel about incidents like that is washed away by the JOYOUS SURPRISE when I meet my date and he’s significantly cuter than he is in his photo. I really do think the element of pleasant surprise greatly increases the likelihood that I’ll sleep with kiss him at the end of the date. Take note, gentlemen!

Actually hearing from a guy after a good date

favoritethingswomaninred

One of the biggest bummers about online dating is that it really does make you cynical where planning and following through are concerned. Normal social cues like how people act and what they say have no bearing on what they’ll actually do in the online dating world. The fade away is such a regular occurrence that you kind of develop this weird tick as a defense mechanism where you no longer trust anything or anyone, least of all your own instincts. For me this includes an internal monologue, who I fondly refer to as Negative Nancy, and she sounds a little something like this:

My date: I had a great time tonight.

Nancy: YEAH OKAY SURE, HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE, ASSHOLE.

My date: I’d love to go out again. 

Nancy: I’LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I F*CKING SEE IT.

True, my internal monologue is really shrill and terrifying, but she exists for a reason. So when a guy says he’ll be in touch and he actually gets in touch, well… it’s a lovely surprise. And bonus: Nancy actually shuts up! FOR ONCE. I call that a miracle. A Christmas miracle.

The excitement before a promising first date

favoritethingswomanclapping

Not all first dates we go on elicit such excitement. Don’t get me wrong, I never dread a date – I don’t agree to go on dates with guys I’m 0% interested in. Not even for blog research. I still have some standards. But a really promising date? That’s pretty rare. Even if it ends up being a dud, that feeling beforehand when the sky is the limit – it’s the best.

Getting great recommendations for new music, TV shows, and Youtube videos

favoritethingsmancrying

Do you know who Key and Peele are? NEITHER DID I, until a few months ago, when W sat me on his couch and showed me some awesome Youtube clips from their show. As a former public school teacher, this one is my favorite:

Dating is like having your very own Buzzfeed, or at the very least Facebook Newsfeed, or Spotify playlist. You get to hear about all sorts of new music and movies and TV shows you’re missing. I’ve had the pleasure in the last couple months of dating not ONE but THREE guys who have a full time or side career in the music industry, and that’s resulted in me becoming hipper than my 22-year old, flannel wearing sister when it comes to finding out about quirky bands or new songs. (Given my penchant for DJs and the fact that I dated a guy who literally owns a record store, musical recs have been a lovely little bonus for me as well.)

Thanks, boys. I wonder how many dates it will take to make me cooler than Amy Poehler?

Mean-Girls-GIF-Reginas-Mom-Amy-Poehler-Im-Not-A-Regular-Mom-Im-A-Cool-Mom

The possibility of a really good first kiss

favoritethingsprayer

This one probably sounds obvious, but I think kissing is totally underrated. Especially in the online dating world, where people freely answer questions about sex like their profile is a US Census, and Tinder remains the reigning king of sketchy interaction. We are so preoccupied with trying to figure out if our date is a serial killer, making decent conversation, remembering not to drink too much and attempting not to put our foot in our mouth, that the first kiss can get lost in that shuffle of all the other dating insanity. But when it’s good, it can be really good. And hot. And exciting. And delicious. True, it almost certainly won’t be as epic this:

But honestly, what is?

Debriefing with your friends and coworkers 

oprah

My post date routine involves:

5 minutes after-Call S, give overview of the date, provide painstaking detail on everything that happened.

5 minutes after I hang up with S-Call one of my friends in DC (usually K or C) and debriefing the date in slightly less detail.

10 minutes after I hang up with DC friend-Call S back and fill in any details I missed in my first retelling, and (if I like the guy) agonize over if I am going to hear from him again.

The morning after-All my interested coworkers gather in my office to hear a PG-13 version of the date

The afternoon after–I go for a coffee break with a few coworkers and tell the real R rated version of the date. 

The thing is, I have truly found that people enjoy hearing the debrief even more than I enjoy telling it (which is a lot, because, if you haven’t guessed, I’m a passionate oversharer. (Duh–we have a blog). But we have a blog, in part, because people enjoy these tales so much and we are NOTHING if not eager to entertain and please.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, READERS! Here’s to a 2014 filled with favorite things, and hopefully some happy endings!