Message Monday – Beer and Snuggling

I’m not even sure why I engaged this guy, considering he messaged me “Hey there want to chat?” which is not a message I’m normally willing to respond to. The only way to put less effort into a message is to just write “Hey.” I will not apologize for wanting guys to put in at least a little effort. But I was bored, and very recently dumped. Recent meaning an hour prior. And his profile didn’t have any red-flags, other than this:

you should message me if

I’ve talked before about how that’s a red flag for me. But, in the interest of patching together my recently dumped, wounded self-esteem, and because he seemed fairly normal, I responded.

Snuggle dude

I couldn’t, you guys. I just couldn’t. That suggestion made me want to crawl out of my skin. And not just because of the Woodpecker

This interaction isn’t actually that interesting or funny or generally blog worthy. He was just a guy with poor messaging skills and an affinity for using smiley faces. But the shame spiral that this message contributed to did seem blog worthy. A shame spiral that prompted me to question whether or not I need to see a therapist about this aversion to physical contact of mine. I mean, I’m still horrified by how seemingly mainstream hugging strangers appears to be. But between this message and the fact that, while home in NY for a christening recently, my friend apologized for giving me a hug when I was saying goodbye, I started to panic that there’s something seriously the matter with me. I don’t actually hate hugging the people that I care about, but they seem to think that I do. Which makes me feel like an asshole. Hugging certainly isn’t my first instinct, but sometimes a hug from a loved one is nice. I’ve come to terms with the fact that hugging is something people do when they care about each other. I even occasionally will be the one to initiate a hug! Do you like how I just said that as if it’s something to be super proud of? Like “look at me, on rare occasions I hug the people I love! And I don’t even hate it! God, I’m such a warm, loving person!” 

It occurred to me that I should probably also come to terms with the fact that snuggling/cuddling is something people who are in a romantic relationship tend to engage in.

Typing that sentence made my physically shudder, so clearly I haven’t gotten very far in my journey of acceptance. What if I never come around to it? Who wants to date someone who doles out hugs once every blue moon and is repulsed by the idea of snuggling? 

Oh God, I’m going to die alone.

fuck it i'm inadequate what can you do (wheninlawschool)

Source: #wheninlawschool

Quite possibly the most accurate tagline for my romantic endeavors to date…

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Message Monday: The Welcome Back Edition

This weekend, I reactivated my OKCupid profile. I had temporarily disabled it while dating Basketbro, not because I thought we were BF/GF or anything, but because, since I was not intending to go on any dates and therefore had no reason to answer messages, it was becoming hard to manage. I didn’t check it regularly, and when I did, I had too many messages to sift through, and not enough time to determine who was worth writing a really bizarre temporary rejection/wait till I am single again message to

There was a teeny weeny delusional part of me of course, that hoped that minute my pic reappeared on the site, everyone would break into the theme song from Cheers:

However, I felt more like Mr. Kotter on his first day back at Buchanan High School. (The humidity actually makes our hairdos quite similar.)

welcome-back-kotter1

http://chicagored.wordpress.com/category/uncategorized/

*Actually, I just really listened to the “Cheers” theme song and it’s a bit depressing. Nevermind. I guess there is no good way to be welcomed back into the online dating community.*

I started to sort through messages I received earlier in the month. I replied to a few promising ones, with some adorable jokes explaining my delay in response. However, the majority were duds. Let me share with you some of my favorites:

welcome back message 5

Huh? To do what with? There is literally nothing about animals in my profile. Of course, my mind went to the darkest place ever, where I immediately decided my profile was attracting, at the very worst, men with bestiality fetishes, and at the very best, furries.

Let’s see if we can find something a little safer, shall we…

welcome back message 4

Nevermind. Spoke too soon. Men, for the last time, repeat after me: NO HUNTING/GUN/MURDERING JOKES IN MESSAGESAnd, if you’re going to insist on being a murderer, at least be a murderer who can spell. At least the faux suicide note you leave in my apartment after you kill me will have some credibility. Haha. (Not haha actually, I just scared myself with my own dark, dark joke).

Now, reactivating your profile after a brief hiatus apparently causes all those people on OKC to think you’re new blood, and results in one getting a lot more messages. I was so excited to sign on the next morning and see 17 new messages in my inbox. That is, UNTIL I READ THEM. Some gems include:

welcome back message 3

Not only is this a form message, but it’s a weirdly awkward form message. Why?

1) It actively references the feeling of irritation you feel when you open YET another form message

2) There are emoticons (and you KNOW how I feel about emoticons.)

3) It features a businesslike, pestering conclusion demanding I respond in an absurdly prompt manner.

However, at least this guy cared to write something coherent. Check out this love letter from across the Atlantic:

welcome back message 2

What is happening here? How did this Russian even find me? What is he trying to say? Did one of Putin’s cabinet members mean to write to Angela Merkel to beg a more merciful response to the annexation of the Crimean Peninsula, and accidentally message me on OkCupid instead?

merkel

http://roflrazzi.cheezburger.com/news/tag/angela-merkel

I couldn’t have said it better myself, Angela.

Of course, then, there are those creepy messages that I’d love to say I 100% hate to receive, but I only 90% hate them because they are a self esteem boost.

welcome back message 1

 

Please know that this came from a 36 year old gentleman who lists Anime and paper dolls as some of his interests. While I won’t be going out with him any time soon ever, at least I can sign off tonight feeling like:

sally field like me

 http://giphy.com/gifs/IoAiRr1nrrJn2

Message Monday – How Did You Find That Out?

First and foremost – HAPPY MARATHON MONDAY! 

This year is obviously a special year, and while all you suckers are stuck at work, I’ll be basking in the glory of 60 degree weather and the impressive feat that is 26.2 miles (for others – that’s an impossible feat for me, as I despise anything more intense than a leisurely stroll). And the beauty that is Boston, always, but especially this year. This city is just the BEST. I even have a few friends to cheer on this year! So enjoy those stuffy offices today folks.

Now, on to the business of this blog. The award for most nonsensical message I’ve ever received goes to:

message monday - how did you find that out.

Ummm… You messaged me. But setting that aside, how did I find out what? That honey comes from bees? That the earth is round? That Marathon Monday > Christmas? That you’re a weirdo kleptomaniac that I have no interest in talking to? The answer to that last one is easy my non-friend. A quick view of your profile told me that.

Message Monday - what I'm doing with my life

First of all, this makes no sense whatsoever. What does any of that car talk have to do with living somewhere warm? Second of all, please do move. The fine state of Rhode Island will be better off without you. Also, no one cares about your weird business problems.

Message Monday - I'm really good at

You’re really good at stealing? And crappy investments? Way to sell yourself buddy. Those are certainly the first things I look for a man.

message monday - the first thing people notice about me

I think YOU’RE the racist in this scenario.

Message Monday - Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Is this gay River Monsters talk supposed to be endearing? Because it’s actually just creepy. Also, Lord of the Flies sucks dude.

Message Monday - the most private thing I'm willing to admit

 

Shut your face about Apollo 13. That movie is the gripping, true life tale of survival and NASA geeks becoming heroes. It WAS your finest hour, Ed Harris. It was. You’re an asshole, and I hate you for repeatedly falling asleep during that cinematic masterpiece. In fact, your lack of appreciation for the superfecta that is Tom Hanks, Bill Paxton, Kevin Bacon, and perhaps most importantly, Gary Sinise, is easily the most offensive part of your profile.

Message Monday: Facebook stalking fail

I realize that investigating (online stalking) has been my theme of choice on the blog lately. But after watching Traevon Jackson miss a critical free throw last night and cost the Wisconsin Badgers an NCAA title (yes, I am the blogger who likes March Madness, and yes, S, I put this reference in here mostly to annoy you), I was reminded that even the best of us make mistakes sometimes. Which is why, today, I bring you a message from the archives that demonstrates that even I am not above the online stalking FAIL.

Back in November, during the 2013 season of my life that will forever be known as “man madness,” due to the exciting, unpredictable, and frequent nature of dates back then, I exchanged a relatively boring couple of messages with “M”:

facebook stalking gone wrong PT 1

Sure, he dared bring up the Jewish thing, which we all know I’m not very excited about. But his messages were short and sweet, which I appreciate, and I’m partial to anybody with Philly ties. The real worry I had about M was that he only had one profile picture. And, I learned very early on in the world of online dating, you cannot trust a single picture to tell you what someone actually looks like. So, when M replied with his name, I used his name plus the information from his profile to find him on the internet. So, I went to his facebook profile to see if I could find public photos to get a better sense of what he looked like. Sadly, what it revealed was that he was a conservative republican, and that the picture he used for his OKC profile was taken four years ago. Before I could pat myself on the back for being such an internet sleuth, something terrible happened. Maybe it was because it was late at night and I was tired. Maybe it was because I had consumed one too many hot toddys at a party. I. ACCIDENTALLY. CLICKED: “add friend.”

nick what have i done

FOX / Via reactiongifs.com

OK, OK, “Don’t panic,” I told myself. “There must be a way to cancel the request. And there was. Thank god for Facebook help page. I toggled over the request and pressed cancelled. All good. 

However, several hours later, M messaged me again:

facebook part 3

 

 

slow clap

http://giphy.com/gifs/37Ez5CZ8P0jSM 

What Facebook’s help page NEGLECTED to mention was that if a person still gets email notifications about friend requests, those DO NOT get cancelled. So, how did I respond to being called out?

I didn’t.  I did the mature thing and blocked him on Facebook and on OKCupid.

Can’t win ’em all folks. And here’s some advice from me to you: Do not drink and Facebook.

Message Monday: “very rude”

How are we doing out there, readers? Does everyone have a bleary-eyed, DST fueled case of the Mondays? Me too, friends. Me too. Well let’s take those feelings out on a total stranger, shall we?

As you loyal readers know, I’m seeing someone, but I’ve kept my Okc profile active for blogging purposes. I feel slightly sketchy about this, but D and I talked about it and he understands that my interests are purely professional/research related. As a certain hyperbolic but wise co-blogger of mine put it:

L: THIS IS YOUR CAREER

I have noticed recently that there’s a ‘seeing someone’ option that you can choose on your profile. The other day I clicked it on a whim, but I have to be honest, I don’t get it. What kind of weirdo would announce that they’re seeing someone on their profile, and then just stay on the site? (besides dating bloggers, of course.) I know, I know. The answer, obviously, is cheaters. Except if you’re in the market to step out on your S.O., why not just pull a J and lie about being single? Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not encouraging people to lie. Hell no. I just don’t understand the logic behind being perfectly willing to lie to your significant other but not to complete strangers.

Maybe I’m just super old fashioned/naive/jaded/need to read more Dan Savage. Maybe there’s a sea of people in open relationships out there, happily looking for some consensual, mutually agreed upon fun on the side via Okcupid. In which case, mazel tov! Truth be told, I have come across people in arrangements like that, but they’re always super up front about their unique situations on their profiles, I’m sure to avoid being thrown shade by people like me. So when that isn’t the case, and they don’t say a word about their ‘seeing someone’ or even ‘married’ status, I can only assume I’m dealing with a sketchball. Also, as we’ve experienced time and time again, the internet is full of liars. So there’s that.

I know, I know, I was technically lying for that month or so when I was no longer single and still on Okc as ‘single’. And my profile doesn’t explain my ‘seeing someone’ status either. I hear you. Good point. Huge hypocrite. That’s me.

pot kettle

Via: http://frombeginningtoendandbackagain.blogspot.com/2012/06/and-once-againpot-and-kettle-meet.html

Sorry, that was a serious tangent I just took you all on. What can I say? I’m easily distracted. In writing; in life.

squirrel-up-dog-gif

Via: http://belieber.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/squirrel-up-dog-gif.gif?w=500&h=250

Let’s move on, shall we? When I mentioned to D that I’d picked the ‘seeing someone’ option on my profile, he was confused.

D: But wait… won’t that prevent you from getting more crazy messages from dudes? Won’t they stop?

Me: I dunno. Maybe. Only one way to find out.

FYI, they did not stop. My message volume actually increased. I mean, the quality of the messages didn’t increase; if anything, that decreased, which I wasn’t even aware was possible given some of my past encounters.

Obviously, it’s Message Monday, so I have an example for you. I received a pretty standard one the other night, right as I was getting home from work. I clicked it open briefly on my phone to read:

snowman

I mean, certainly not the best message ever, but CERTAINLY not the worst. Semi complete sentences. Mostly correct spelling and grammar. Polite. Because I was heading out, I closed the Okc app for the time being, intending to reply later. I really do try to respond to anyone who writes me more than two words and appears to be reasonably sane, and tell them thanks but I’m just not interested. I think it’s only fair/polite, especially given the fact that I’ve been a non single person posing as single for the past few months.

Also, I didn’t forget to censor his profile pic; there was no need. More on that later.

Later that night, I noticed that I had a second message from the same dude:

snowman2

What in the fuckity fuck? First of all, crazypants, less than two hours had gone by when you sent that. Some people have lives they’re trying to live. To quote a comedy great:

simma down now

Via: http://gimme-gifs.tumblr.com/post/41451599851

Second, I know all too well the experience of sending a message to someone you’re into and getting this response:

tumbleweed

Via: http://giphy.com/search/tumbleweed

But that doesn’t mean I write a hostile follow up message to a total stranger an hour later calling them out like a mentally unstable lunatic. That’s not how this online dating thing works, because if it was, I’d have to quit my job to make time for all of the mentally unstable replies I’d be writing to people who were “very rude”.

Third, let’s consider the actual message sender for a moment, shall we? Take a look at his profile picture (his ONLY picture), which as I mentioned I’m able to show you all in its full, uncensored glory:

snowman3

Ummmmmm…………………?

Real talk: that’s straight up the saddest excuse for a snowman that I’ve ever seen in my life. Here’s a tip: if you want to entice me with a snow creature, might I suggest this guy:

Frozen-Movie-Olaf-HD-Wallpaper1

Olaf 4 Life.

And the final thing I noticed about this dude, which brings us back to my rant at the beginning of this post:

married

Oh, cute! Adorable. Now my blood was officially boiling. I had to respond. And I did:

rude

My original reply was littered with obscenities, but I decided that restraint would be more effective. I sent this knowing it was self indulgent of me and totally unnecessary, but I didn’t GAF. I reaaaaally didn’t.

I blame my blinding rage on behalf of women everywhere for the fact that I didn’t even put two and two together at first. Sadly, it only occurred to me as I was writing this post that this dude totally messaged me because my status is ‘seeing someone’, and he (fairly) assumed I was also looking for some fun on the side. Yup. That’s definitely what happened.

oops

Via: http://ineedthisforreactions.tumblr.com/post/39598152479

Lol. Oh me. Do I feel bad about sassing him? Of course not! He was still an asshole and he still deserved to be put in his place. I regret nothing. But maybe I’ll just go back to my good old ‘single’ status for the time being, so as not to attract and get into a fight with every cheating douchebag in the tri-state area. Good call, right?

beyonce

Via: http://gossipgirl.alloyentertainment.com/the-top-grammy-moments-presented-in-gifs/#1

Lady B agrees. It shall be so.

Message Monday: The Married Guy

Hi readers! Remember in December and January when I was all like: OmigodI just want to date one guy at a time and that will be such a challenge because they are all over me like white on rice but I’ll exercise self control and do it anyway?

HAHAHAHA.

Turns out, a lady can go from having multiple men interested at once to a pretty dry spell of terrible dates and notably terrifying OKC messages and, as a result, spend most of February listening to Fiona Apple and reluctantly eating sensible things like vegetables and homemade salads while pretending that they taste like cheese products (unsuccessfully).

I hate salad

 Via http://falulatonks.tumblr.com/post/12096670779/i-know-i-should-be-chasing-your-vote-but-i-stand

Don’t worry readers, I’d be regaling you with some of these sad tales, starting this week with the story of a lovely gentleman I went out with a few times who ENDED UP HAVING A GIRLFRIEND. YUP. 

And, judging by this gem of a message I received the other day, I could continue the trend of being the third in people’s relationships if I wanted:

married guy

Yes, being married is an issue for me. I understand it’s not an issue for everyone, and that the internet can be a convenient and effective place to find someone with whom you can cheat on your partner. Or, maybe this guy is in an open relationship, in which case, more power to him!

But, as I clearly state in my profile, I am looking for single, straight men. So, on top of being married, this guy either cannot read or just doesn’t care. 

But that’s ok. I’ll pass for now, at least until I am out of salad and Fiona Apple tracks. I’ve had enough of attached men for awhile. 

Debbie Downer signing off–

 

Message Monday: Free Career Advice

You know that feeling when you sign into OKC on a Sunday night (after a weekend of “swearing off online dating”) and see that you have 15 new messages? In the early days I called that feeling “hope,” because I believed that each of these messages would be from a nice, normal, cute guy who could potentially be my husband or at the very least, my jump-off.

However, after about one month I learned the cruel truth about the message to viable date ratio. Of the 15 messages you get each weekend, three will be from murders who aren’t even trying to hide the fact they are trying to murder you. Six will be some version of “hi hwo are u sexy grl? Free 2nit?”. Three will be from guys whose usernames are some combination of the words “dragon” and “daddy.” Three  messages will be normal, and if you’re lucky, one will be from someone who you *might* be attracted to and have something in common with. 

I’ve also learned that, apparently, men also message women on OKC for reasons other than wanting a date or even a lil something something. For example, I got a very promising message from a guy that read:

message 1 from matt

What a great intro message! Personalized (I love the League/TV), to the point, and somewhat funny! I took a look at this guy’s profile so I could craft a witty reply. It was pretty basic, except for this detail:

do i want to be a lawyer

Now, those who know me know I love giving advice, even when I know NOTHING about the topic. So, I replied to him:

message 1 to matt

(I realize now I made a grammatical error, which I would totally judge someone for #languagesnob, so I apologize to the readers who caught that and are shaking their heads at my sloppiness and/or hypocrisy.)

But preposition mix-ups didn’t seem to bother this guy (probably because he was overcome with my wit and beauty). He responded:

message from matt 2

Where I come from, we would officially call this bantering. And, we all know that bantering —> -love —> marriage —> babies —> co-writing our own sitcom about being a modern day couple balancing love, family, and work. (Preferably staring either Tina, Amy, or Mindy, of course). Eager to get started writing the pilot episode, I replied:

message 2 to matt

high fiving a million angels

While I was busy congratulating myself on my candid, hilarious, honest response, I got the following reply:

message from matt 3

Huh? That’s it? No, “can I have your number?” No, “would you like to grab a drink sometime?” Not even a follow-up question, like “what do you do when you’re not watching Law and Order?” NADA. NOTHING.

I understand I could have continued the conversation myself if I was DYING to go out with this guy. But I just got the sense he was more interested in getting career advice from a random stranger than actually asking me out. YOU’RE WELCOME, M, FOR THE ADVICE. Please know that if I ever hear about your successful career on the news I am going to stand at your doorstep trying to take some money/credit from you, all  the while shouting, “We want pre-nup” or something equally insane.

Meanwhile, everyone else can just call me the Sheryl Sandberg of OkCupid, since apparently my purpose here is to give career advice. Lean. In.

Message Monday: thanks, okcupid

Happy ’14, ladies and germs!

This Message Monday is brought to you not by an Okcupid user, but by Okcupid itself. I actually thought that this email was some kind of joke or that okc had been hacked when it first showed up in my inbox. I called L to see if she’d gotten it, too, and the following exchange occurred:

me: Did you get that terrifying email from Okcupid with the gross picture of the scorpion?

L: (smugly) Actually, I changed my settings so they can’t email me about anything. So I wouldn’t know.

me: Yeah, but this was not your typical ‘so and so messaged you’ kind of thing. It looked like a mass message to all their users. You didn’t get it? It’s absurd.

L: No, like I said, my privacy preferences prevent them from ever contacting me. You should try it.

Fast forward 24 hours…

okc scorpion

HA! So much for L’s magical privacy preferences. Anyway, feast your eyes on the email in question from the fine people of Humor Rainbow, Inc:

okc scorpion message

I’m sorry…

thefck

Why are you imbeciles sending me close up pictures of a scorpion and its terrifying shed skin? Yes, I have heard of molting and no, I don’t think it’s awesome. In fact, I have a PATHOLOGICAL FEAR of all things creepy crawly. Also, are you not aware that single people across this great nation just survived a harrowing holiday season? A season which included the following:

  • a parade of holiday engagement announcements on Facebook (I counted four on my news feed and I’m pretty sure that’s a low number for my age bracket)
  • obnoxious questions from nosy family members about our single status
  • smug couples EVERYWHERE posing for cutesy photo ops in front of trees and under mistletoe
  • listening with feigned interest to what so and so’s boyfriend/husband gave so and so and isn’t it SOOOOO thoughtful (meanwhile the most thoughtful thing a dude has ever given me is flowers from Wegmans. I’m serious). 
  • midnight kisses on New Year’s Eve that you have no choice but to combat by triple kissing your only other two single friends in the room (again, wish I were kidding. But it happened. Thanks, L and L!)

So, Okcupid, I ask you:

HAVEN’T SINGLE PEOPLE SUFFERED ENOUGH?

I’m just over here trying not to hang myself from my shower curtain rod because it’s Monday, January 6th, it’s raining cats and dogs, I have a hangover that was a month in the making, and essentially nothing to live for over the next three months except primetime TV and awards shows. So THANK YOU for brightening my day by comparing me to a grotesque, deadly creature that’s too disgusting and scary to even look at. And may I add, nothing puts me in the mood to “turn over a new leaf” and send some flirty messages to cute boys like staring at the dead skin of a poisonous arachnid.

Talk about insult to effing injury. Why do I even use this stupid service, again?

Oh, that’s right. Because I’m single. And also, apparently…

monster

 

Message, Pic, and Profile of the Week

In the online dating blogger world, we call this guy a triple threat.

First, his message:

charming profile message 10-15-2013

First of all, this is one of the laziest messages I’ve ever seen, next to the standard, “hi.” It’s barely a form letter. It’s a form sentence. I know many guys do this, but at least be creative.

Also, this is the stupidest, most unsafe thing I’ve ever seen. Giving your name and NUMBER to strange girls is like providing a wire transfer to one of those random people on the internet who emails you claiming to be a victim of identify theft trapped in the Nigerian wilderness. I was tempted to post his number so we could spam him. 

Then, his pic:

shirtless winner

Ahh, another sleeping beauty! Apparently, this pose is very popular with men. I know I haven’t checked out a lot of women’s profiles, but I’ve done my fair share of opposition research, and I can tell you, I have yet to see a picture of a woman languishing in bed. 

Finally, his profile, which explains it all:

charming profile army guy 10-15-2013

Look, with a body like that, you probably don’t need dating sites to get laid. I am 90% willing to bet that the barrier to you getting laid happens when you open your mouth. But what do you care what I think, since “most girls on here are a waste of time.”

charming profile army guy 2 10-15-2013

Sadly, I am kind of into skinny, weak men. So I don’t think we’re soulmates buddy. That’s a shame, because I am not low rent.

Unless low rent means you have a cheap apartment? Because IF SO, SIGN ME UP! BABY GIRL IS ABOUT TO GO BROKE.

Message Monday – the Flintstones

I’ve been appearing lately more as a guest-poster than as a co-blogger. Namely because I spend most of my waking hours being swallowed whole by one case, trapped in the corner of my office by an ever rising stack of boxes upon boxes upon boxes of discovery. Dating has, sadly, taken a bit of a backseat to the glamorous lifestyle of civil litigation. So it’s likely that stories of hilarious hi-jinks in person will be pretty sparse for awhile. But fear not, I still receive messages from the fine gentlemen of greater Boston, and the kind of man I apparently attract is still comically soul-crushing. 

flintstones

You guys. I didn’t even have to put our cupid logo over his face because his face does not appear on his profile. AT ALL. That Flintstones cartoon is his sole profile picture.

You can’t expect me to seriously consider engaging in conversation with you if you substitute a cartoon image for a picture of yourself, and can’t form complete sentences at the age of 40. Also, while I’m generally cool with being called cute, is it just me or is it kind of creepy coming from a 40 year old?

So that’s what’s happening in this neck of the woods.