Message Monday: adjectives

color

I realize that compared to other Message Mondays, this one is pretty harmless. It’s polite and to the point. It contains zero, insults, sexual propositions, or terrifying back woods date scenarios. True, ‘what is your fav color’ is a more appropriate question for a 5th grader texting his first girlfriend on a school night than a 38 year old man messaging a potential date, but in the grand scheme of things, this is not so terrible. Apparently this guy wasn’t satisfied with his first message, though, because he quickly sent me a follow-up:

color2

Again, nothing blatantly insane, but here’s where this became MM-worthy. Ignoring the fact that there’s no mention of my profile whatsoever, so it’s unclear if he even read it. Good sir, would you go up to a woman in a bar and start listing your stats and self proclaimed attributes right off that bat like this? Is that how we’re striking up conversations these days? More importantly, the entire reason you HAVE A PROFILE is so you don’t have to fire off this info. right off the bat. It’s not 1996 and this isn’t an AOL chat room; the internet has evolved past the need to throw A/S/L out there, and thank God for that. I know you’re (allegedly) 38, single, 5’9 1/2 (ahem 5’7 tops) and have no kids, because you put all that info. in your profile. You know what else you put in your profile? The second part of this message, essentially:

selfsum

Here’s the other thing that annoys me (besides ‘I’m honesty’…really?). L and I often lament the many Okc profiles we come across that are filled with useless adjectives. I realize that when writing about yourself it’s damn near impossible not to throw a handful in there, but lots of profiles I read contain pretty much nothing but this one part of speech. The thing is, listing personality descriptors doesn’t actually paint me a picture of who you are, for a couple of reasons. First, more often than not it comes off as self congratulatory and obnoxious. Second, it’s way too easy to exaggerate or lie. If there’s one thing we’ve confirmed on this blog time and again, it’s that the internet is full of liars. It’s frighteningly easy to say whatever you want about yourself, and most of the time I have no way of verifying this info. until we go out. I said most of the time, because if you’ll recall, last year L wrote about an amazing (since discontinued–boo) blog that took down dudes who claimed to be “nice guys” and then immediately contradicted that statement elsewhere. If you’ll also recall, today’s Message Monday claimed to be “open-minded” in his message to me, but his answers to some choice questions beg to differ:

openmindedreally

Source: nbcsnl.tumblr.com

 

shut it down dealbreaker

 

Source: giphy.com

Which brings me to my third issue with adjectives. Even if you genuinely believe you are all of the things you say you are, we may (and probably do) have very different definitions of the words themselves. What you consider “romantic”, I may consider cheesy or even creepy.

What you consider “open-minded”, well, see above. What you consider “easygoing”, I might just consider lazy. Sidenote on this one: if I see one more profile where a guy describes himself as laid back or easygoing, I’m going to flip a table.

table flip

Source: tableflipgifs.tumblr.com

I would estimate that 7 out of 10 single men on Okcupid use one or both of these adjectives in their profile, and I actually think that may be a low-ball number. News flash, single straight men of Okcupid: there is no way you are all actually “laid back” and “easygoing”. Do you possibly mean that you’re “lazy as shit”? Because that’s more believable. But easygoing in that pleasant, amiable, positive way that you clearly mean? Nope. Not buying it. Basically, if you’re using either of those adjectives to describe yourself, you’d better be this guy:

dude

Source: mmashare.com.2112112.net

Here’s a good rule of thumb for profile and message writing, guys (and single people in general): use the same advice that your 7th grade English teachers (presumably) gave you.

showdonttell

Give me something, doesn’t have to be a novel but something, to help me learn some actual information about you. If you have a full time job and are in grad school working towards an advanced degree, that shows me that you’re ambitious. If you babysit your niece and nephew and take them on fun day trips, that shows me that you’re caring and trustworthy. If you share a self deprecating anecdote about yourself, that shows me that you’re down to earth. Also, bonus: it actually gives us things to talk about! Because currently what I have to go off of is “likes movies and traveling” (who doesn’t?) and “claims to be trustworthy” (who doesn’t?).

Anyway, stepping off that soapbox and back to the subject at hand, my “open-minded” Message Monday victim. Here are some more gems from his profile for your viewing pleasure:

positive

Again with the adjectives (and grammatical gaffes). Stay focused on what? Maintaining the least informative Okcupid profile of all time? If so, A+, sir.

positivity

Getting a littttttle redundant up in here. Also, I’m choosing not to comment on “chivalry” in the interest of keeping this post short, but ugh.

sixthings

Welp, better add “the inability to count or follow directions” to the list. That’s three things, you fool. Also, inquiring minds want to know, do you consider yourself to be a positive or negative person? I’m not sure, since you haven’t mentioned it.

Nerd-Rage

Source: katecornellonline.com

 

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Message Monday: “very rude”

How are we doing out there, readers? Does everyone have a bleary-eyed, DST fueled case of the Mondays? Me too, friends. Me too. Well let’s take those feelings out on a total stranger, shall we?

As you loyal readers know, I’m seeing someone, but I’ve kept my Okc profile active for blogging purposes. I feel slightly sketchy about this, but D and I talked about it and he understands that my interests are purely professional/research related. As a certain hyperbolic but wise co-blogger of mine put it:

L: THIS IS YOUR CAREER

I have noticed recently that there’s a ‘seeing someone’ option that you can choose on your profile. The other day I clicked it on a whim, but I have to be honest, I don’t get it. What kind of weirdo would announce that they’re seeing someone on their profile, and then just stay on the site? (besides dating bloggers, of course.) I know, I know. The answer, obviously, is cheaters. Except if you’re in the market to step out on your S.O., why not just pull a J and lie about being single? Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not encouraging people to lie. Hell no. I just don’t understand the logic behind being perfectly willing to lie to your significant other but not to complete strangers.

Maybe I’m just super old fashioned/naive/jaded/need to read more Dan Savage. Maybe there’s a sea of people in open relationships out there, happily looking for some consensual, mutually agreed upon fun on the side via Okcupid. In which case, mazel tov! Truth be told, I have come across people in arrangements like that, but they’re always super up front about their unique situations on their profiles, I’m sure to avoid being thrown shade by people like me. So when that isn’t the case, and they don’t say a word about their ‘seeing someone’ or even ‘married’ status, I can only assume I’m dealing with a sketchball. Also, as we’ve experienced time and time again, the internet is full of liars. So there’s that.

I know, I know, I was technically lying for that month or so when I was no longer single and still on Okc as ‘single’. And my profile doesn’t explain my ‘seeing someone’ status either. I hear you. Good point. Huge hypocrite. That’s me.

pot kettle

Via: http://frombeginningtoendandbackagain.blogspot.com/2012/06/and-once-againpot-and-kettle-meet.html

Sorry, that was a serious tangent I just took you all on. What can I say? I’m easily distracted. In writing; in life.

squirrel-up-dog-gif

Via: http://belieber.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/squirrel-up-dog-gif.gif?w=500&h=250

Let’s move on, shall we? When I mentioned to D that I’d picked the ‘seeing someone’ option on my profile, he was confused.

D: But wait… won’t that prevent you from getting more crazy messages from dudes? Won’t they stop?

Me: I dunno. Maybe. Only one way to find out.

FYI, they did not stop. My message volume actually increased. I mean, the quality of the messages didn’t increase; if anything, that decreased, which I wasn’t even aware was possible given some of my past encounters.

Obviously, it’s Message Monday, so I have an example for you. I received a pretty standard one the other night, right as I was getting home from work. I clicked it open briefly on my phone to read:

snowman

I mean, certainly not the best message ever, but CERTAINLY not the worst. Semi complete sentences. Mostly correct spelling and grammar. Polite. Because I was heading out, I closed the Okc app for the time being, intending to reply later. I really do try to respond to anyone who writes me more than two words and appears to be reasonably sane, and tell them thanks but I’m just not interested. I think it’s only fair/polite, especially given the fact that I’ve been a non single person posing as single for the past few months.

Also, I didn’t forget to censor his profile pic; there was no need. More on that later.

Later that night, I noticed that I had a second message from the same dude:

snowman2

What in the fuckity fuck? First of all, crazypants, less than two hours had gone by when you sent that. Some people have lives they’re trying to live. To quote a comedy great:

simma down now

Via: http://gimme-gifs.tumblr.com/post/41451599851

Second, I know all too well the experience of sending a message to someone you’re into and getting this response:

tumbleweed

Via: http://giphy.com/search/tumbleweed

But that doesn’t mean I write a hostile follow up message to a total stranger an hour later calling them out like a mentally unstable lunatic. That’s not how this online dating thing works, because if it was, I’d have to quit my job to make time for all of the mentally unstable replies I’d be writing to people who were “very rude”.

Third, let’s consider the actual message sender for a moment, shall we? Take a look at his profile picture (his ONLY picture), which as I mentioned I’m able to show you all in its full, uncensored glory:

snowman3

Ummmmmm…………………?

Real talk: that’s straight up the saddest excuse for a snowman that I’ve ever seen in my life. Here’s a tip: if you want to entice me with a snow creature, might I suggest this guy:

Frozen-Movie-Olaf-HD-Wallpaper1

Olaf 4 Life.

And the final thing I noticed about this dude, which brings us back to my rant at the beginning of this post:

married

Oh, cute! Adorable. Now my blood was officially boiling. I had to respond. And I did:

rude

My original reply was littered with obscenities, but I decided that restraint would be more effective. I sent this knowing it was self indulgent of me and totally unnecessary, but I didn’t GAF. I reaaaaally didn’t.

I blame my blinding rage on behalf of women everywhere for the fact that I didn’t even put two and two together at first. Sadly, it only occurred to me as I was writing this post that this dude totally messaged me because my status is ‘seeing someone’, and he (fairly) assumed I was also looking for some fun on the side. Yup. That’s definitely what happened.

oops

Via: http://ineedthisforreactions.tumblr.com/post/39598152479

Lol. Oh me. Do I feel bad about sassing him? Of course not! He was still an asshole and he still deserved to be put in his place. I regret nothing. But maybe I’ll just go back to my good old ‘single’ status for the time being, so as not to attract and get into a fight with every cheating douchebag in the tri-state area. Good call, right?

beyonce

Via: http://gossipgirl.alloyentertainment.com/the-top-grammy-moments-presented-in-gifs/#1

Lady B agrees. It shall be so.

OKC Questions: D’s Makers and Breakers

In the final installment of this series, I reveal three OKC questions that I judge potential dates on. While L and S had questions influenced by their parents, I’m the odd woman out here. Both of my parents are lawyers (and tried in vain to talk me out of following in their footsteps – at the age of 24 I was still ignoring my parents’ sound advice to my own detriment), so I mostly grew up with an appreciation/love of arguing. Usually in a very tedious and annoying manner. I’m super fun at parties! Though they did take us on a lot of cool vacations, so in a way they inspired me to care so much about this first question:

1) The Traveling Question:

traveling

In addition to the fact that I get restless when I’m in 1 place for a more than a month, I genuinely love traveling. Doesn’t matter if it’s a 2 hour drive away, a 10 hour flight away, a place I’ve been to a thousand times, or somewhere I’ve never been before. I’ve been to 39 states and 11 countries (spanning 3 continents – the goal is one day to visit all 7). I visit Philadelphia so regularly that when I was there two weeks ago, one guy I’ve met a few times was shocked to find out I don’t actually live there. My passport is impatiently waiting for its next stamp (and it looks like it might get it next spring!!). I am a traveler. And while I don’t mind traveling alone, I would like for it to be a shared passion in my relationships.

2) The Kidney Question:

kidney

Setting aside the broader issue of organ donation in general (which I think is very important), this question does not ask “would you donate a kidney to someone you went on 3 dates with?” or “your significant other is dying and even though it’s totally pointless, won’t save their life, and won’t even buy them an extra minute on earth, would you give them one of your kidneys?”.  It asks if you would donate a kidney to your significant other if it would SAVE THEIR LIFE. This is mandatory for me because if you would choose to let your significant other die over parting with an expendable organ, then fuck you. I hope you enjoy that extra kidney when you’re 73 and alone because it’ll be all you’ve got you heartless asshole.

3) The Promises Question:

promises

S laughs at how militant I get when talking about this question, but let me explain. Obviously I don’t want to be with someone who only keeps promises when it’s convenient. Or even someone who “usually” keeps them, which implies that on occasion they arbitrarily decide to just forget their word when something better comes along. No thanks. At the same time, it’s impossible to keep all of your promises, because none of us controls the world. Lots of things that are out of our hands might occur, preventing us from keeping a promise: asteroids, food poisoning, plane crashes, a polio outbreak, a ponzi scheme that bankrupts you. Show me someone who claims to always keep their promises, and I’ll show you a liar. I don’t date liars.

So there you have it folks – a little look inside what’s important to L, S and D. Hope you enjoyed this three-part series!