Hi readers! How I’ve missed you! In case you don’t know the intimate details of our lives or lack my amazing detective skills, let me go ahead and give you some answers to the clever riddle S used to explain our egregious negligence of this blog.
It was I who was in Puerto Rico, for “work.” And when I wasn’t working, I was just looking at this:
Go ahead and hate me for a minute. You can even feel a little jealous of me. But that jealousy will be short-lived folks, because you’ll soon be comfortably laughing at my misfortune yet again, when I tell you it was also me who went out with a Mormon. A fact, friends, which was unbeknownst to me, until he disclosed it 30 minutes into our date.
Let me back up a bit and tell you how this union came to be. It was actually my doing, you see, because I messaged this Mormon. I had just reluctantly ended things with another harmless, perfectly normal, tall, cute, guy, who, despite my best efforts (listening to “pump it up” music before dates, leaning a little too heavily on the bourbon, etc), I just didn’t feel anything for. So I decided, rather than wallowing in self loathing and reflection about whether or not I’m sabotaging my opportunities for happiness, I’d get back in the saddle ASAP by messaging some dudes and getting some dates lined up.
So I sent a few messages out into the OKC universe. I’ll admit, my strategy for messaging guys is pretty haphazard. I’ll just browse for guys that I think are cute, check for any red flag questions, and then if his profile is fairly interesting and doesn’t reek of overt sexism or serious mommy issues, I find something we have in common and shoot him a quick message.
In D’s case, what we had in common was a shared love for the best convenience store in the United States, or for that matter, the free world. (If you can’t guess from this description, I urge you to 1) click on the above link and hear the angels sing 2) slap yourself in the face for not discovering Wawa sooner 3) punch yourself in the stomach if you actually think another convenience store is better than Wawa).
If you don’t find my Wawa passion charming and adorable, don’t worry. D did. He messaged me back right away and we agreed to meet for a drink a few days later.
As soon as I sat down on our date, I realized that a love for Wawa hoagies might be the ONLY thing D and I had in common. He preferred the suburbs to the city, fixed cars in his spare time, and, brace yourself S, liked DAVE MATTHEWS BAND. “That’s ok,” I thought to myself. “So what if we have nothing in common? I can make conversation with a brick wall! I can get seriously attached to an ex Domino’s pizza manager/recovering heroin addict. This could still work!”
Even though D seemed seriously focused on filling the date with awkward silences, I decided to make like the sport that I am and ask him about himself:
L: “So, you mentioned you like the Utah Jazz?” I asked. “Did you spend some time in Utah?”
L: “Cool! Were you born there or did you go there for school?”
D: “Both. Most of my family lives there. And, I went to BYU.”
Oh, hello there MITT ROMNEY!!! Didn’t know you were in the market for a half-Jewish girl and devout socialist. Anyone who watched the 2012 election coverage knows that socialists (like me and Barack Obama) and Mormons do not mix.
L: “Wait, are you a Mormon?” (Tact is not my strength, in case you couldn’t already tell).
D: “Yeah. I don’t follow all the rules though.” Motions to his drink.
L: “OH OK. COOL. COOL. Do you mind if people ask you about it?”
Readers, let’s stop and take a pause here, because it’s about to get a little politically incorrect.The normal person who is buried very deep inside me knows that it can get offensive fast when uninformed people ask other people about their religion or culture. But the thing is, I was 1) so shocked he hadn’t just noted the Mormon thing on his profile and saved both of us the trouble 2) really bored on the date and running out of things to talk about, that I couldn’t help but get a little inappropriate. (See JDate, I am an equal opportunity offender of religious groups.)
L: “So, have you met Tom Cruise or John Travolta or anything? Or, do you mostly practice with the local Mormon community here?”
D: “Why would I meet them?”
L: “Aren’t they like, devoted, Mormons? Don’t they travel around, trying to get people to convert? I mean, Tom almost got Katie Holmes. THANK GOD SHE GOT OUT. No offense or anything.”
D: “That’s Scientology. They are Scientologists. It’s different.”
L: “Oh god, you’re right! Sorry! I just was thinking of like, other religions based on books some man wrote.”
L: “So, why didn’t you put it on your profile? Or did I just not see it?”
D: “Would that have changed things?”
L: “Depends. Do you want to be with a Mormon girl?”
D: “Yeah, definitely.”
L. Guzzles drink. (Please note that by this time I was on my third Jameson and ginger).
Welp, after that we made small talk about car parts and quickly finished our drinks. CAR PARTS FOLKS! Do you understand now why I had to get all Comedy Central in his face about the Mormon thing? I was trying to stay awake!
How did things end with D? Let’s just say you’re not going to see me on this show anytime soon:
Date rating: 2/10 (I am giving D two points for refraining from giving me a deserved lecture on religious ignorance). D deposited me at my bus stop faster than you can say, special underwear. The thing is, I don’t get why he went out with me in the first place. My profile clearly indicates that I’m an agnostic, recovering Jew. So, while I acted like an intolerant ditz, I am not NOT saying he didn’t ask for it by misguidedly going out with me, and being so darn boring I couldn’t help but stir the pot a bit.
*I guess I’m going to have to fine tune my messaging strategy.
**Stephanie Meyer if you’re reading this, I just want you to know I mean no ill will toward Mormons. And I love your books! Team Edward for life!
Addendum: My little brother just called me and gave me a lecture on how this post makes it sound like I don’t like Mormons and wouldn’t go out with a Mormon guy. For those of you who felt similarly after reading, let me clarify:
-I would have still gone out with him even if he had marked his religion as Mormon in his profile. I mean, if he had said he was a strict observer, didn’t drink, and only wanted a Mormon girl, I wouldn’t have messaged him in the first place, but that would have been because we didn’t share values/interests, not solely because of his religion.
-On the flip side, what I was most shocked about is that he went out with ME. Yet, he wanted to marry a Mormon girl. Just like I probably wouldn’t date anyone who was super religious, I wouldn’t expect them to date me, because I am not. That’s why this date was surprise/accidental.
-The number one reason I never contacted him again was because the date was terrible. It was not because I found out he was a Mormon. I mean, if it went well this post would be titled: “My Mormon boyfriend: Why I will be the cool Ann Romney.” Which would have been more hilarious/uplifting than a story of another failed date.
-For the other member’s of little B’s PC police squad: This blog is meant to be funny, candid, and real. I never mean to offend someone I haven’t met yet (if we have met, then yes, I might mean to offend you), but sometimes I do. And for that I’m sorry. But, I will leave you with this Louie CK clip to remind you that sometimes, the best comedy makes us uncomfortable:
That’s right, I just compared myself to Louie CK. I’ve officially made it.