The Hat Trick

Ladies and gentleman, call me Alex Ovechkin, because I just gave the girls of StuCu blog our very first hat trick.

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That’s right, after getting up the courage to admit to myself, and of course, the blogosphere, that I actually might like Basketbro T, he’s gonna go ahead and dump me Sunday morning, post sleepover at my apartment. 

I mean:

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https://isthiswhyimstillsingle.wordpress.com/

I don’t know. I mean, is this the universe’s way of punishing us for having a dating blog? (IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU SAID YES, GO AWAY BECAUSE I’M ‘MOTIONAL AND CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW). More likely, it’s just an extremely unfortunate coincidence that is so absurdly depressing, it is actually a bit funny. 

s and l whine 5-5-2014 

I mean, over at StuCu, we’re nothing if not dramatic.

So, let’s get right to it and answer the important questions about Dumping #3:

Wait a second, who is this guy? And why is he “Basketbro T”?

In five sentences or less…

He’s a guy I’ve been seeing since the beginning of March. He lived in a hideous suburb 40 mins from DC. Best things about him were: his sense of humor, down to earthiness, and his competence/reliability in making plans. It also didn’t hurt that he was a cutie. Per our new blog protocol, I decided to call him Basketbro T because he loves college basketball and actually writes for a sports blog as a side hustle. I could have picked a more pejorative, alliterative nickname, but because he’s a nice guy, and, at the end of the day, I’m a classy girl, I’ll stick with Basketbro.

That was 6 sentences. Keep it short L; some of us are reading this at work. Now, what went wrong?

Look, I never though this guy was “the one” or anything. In fact, I kept describing him as mediocre to my girlfriends, and while it’s well documented I have a fetish for that sort of thing (and sports bloggers for that matter! Can you believe this is the SECOND SPORTS BLOGGER I’VE DATED? Watch out Kevin Durant, because I’m thinking of just upgrading to straight-up athletes), I knew I could never be with someone who so wholeheartedly did not challenge me at all. And while it was bad enough he lived in the suburbs, Basketbro T also feared and hated the city. I mean, the first time he came over to my apartment, he made me walk him to his car, which was parked a block away, at 2:30 a.m. And I live in a pretty nice part of DC. And I had to put pants AND a coat AND shoes on to walk him out.

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Well, I was determined to get Basketbro over his fear of the city, so last weekend I planned a bar crawl for us through some of my favorite neighborhoods. Thus far, he had taken initiative to plan all of our dates, and I figured, if this was going to work, I was going to need to pull my weight in the planning department. (This is extremely rare, btw, because usually men think “planning” a date involves sending a text saying something like: “What do you want to do? What time is good? Any place you have in mind? What should do I with my life?”)

But when Basketbro came by on Saturday, something was just…different. Maybe it was his body language? Maybe I just have a great sixth sense? 

sixth sense

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Well, not THAT great, but you get my gist. I immediately knew something was off.

But we went on our bar crawl and he was an enthusiastic participant (for the most part). And, he spent the night. But, when we said goodbye the next morning,  and he got in his car, I just got the feeling I wouldn’t see him again. 

So instead of just walking away, I turned around and knocked on his window.

Basketbro T: (Opens car door) Do you need a ride?

L: No silly, I live here. I just have this weird feeling that this is the last time we’ll see each other and I’d rather just get this conversation over with now than hash it out over text/phone later.

Basketbro T: (Sighs). Yeah…you’re right. It’s just the distance is a little much for me. And I don’t feel like we see each other enough. If I am going to take it to the next level with a girl, I need to see her more. 

L: OK…

Basketbro T: Plus, it feels the spark is kinda fizzling out.

L: That sounds right to me. I kind of anticipated this last night.

Baksetbro T: You’re a good person.  You deserve to find someone who lives closer to you.

L: Thanks. You too. Good luck to you.

Wow. What a mature conversation. So, how do you feel about the whole thing?

The minute he drove away, of course, I called S and cried. Sure, I knew deep down that I wasn’t that into him, and honestly, I probably would have ended it in a date or two for the same reasons. But it sucks to feel rejected, especially by a short, suburbs-dwelling auditor who wore oversize shirts and feared the mean streets of Northwest DC.  I couldn’t help but think:

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https://isthiswhyimstillsingle.wordpress.com/

Also, I was somewhat hurt by the fact that homeboy was about to drive off and probably never contact me again, or send me a two line rejection text in a couple days. He and I had been out enough times that we’d discussed dating and relationships a bit, and I had made it super clear how much I disdained fadeaways and other cowardly behavior. I feel like I shouldn’t have had to demand the explanation I deserved.  

Lastly, I am just disappointed  that this wasn’t what I wanted it to be, which was a fun relationship where both of us were super into each other. Third, fourth, and subsequent dates are SO MUCH BETTER than first dates, and I’d be a liar if I said I was nothing but dreading getting out there again.

But I know, in a few weeks days, my attitude will adjust and that’ll change. And, the good news for you, readers, is that we will have some new stories for you about guys verbally abusing us over frozen yogurt or losing their cars on first dates.

Ugh. This story is kinda dull because you behaved in such a well-adjusted, adult way. Are you sure you didn’t do anything crazy with Basketbro T?

Ah, you know me too well! The previous week, I was carelessly performing a little twitter stalking on my phone between episodes of Pretty Little Liars (#bestshowever #mosthashtagsever) and accidentally FAVORITED one of Basketbro T’s tweets! From my personal account, which is basically, MY NAME. About something completely weird and irrelevant to me. I mean, could I be more of a social media butterfingers? Luckily, S reassured me, before revoking my StuCu social media privileges:

L tweet mistake

 

What made it more awkward is Basketbro T never called me out on it. I don’t know if this is because he never got a notification (I immediately unfavorited it when I realized my mistake) or because he was so weirded out he just wanted to pretend like it didn’t happen.

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Readers, wherever you are and whenever you read this, I encourage you to take a moment and pour one out for the ladies of StuCu and our utterly awkward and humiliating spring season. 

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Think of it as a collective toast to a better summer. For all of us.

Trending: Dating Trends

Hello loyal readers! Before I get to my post, just wanted to share a quick social media update: you can now follow StuCu on both Facebook and Twitter!

 

As you can see, we currently have exactly one twitter follower (thanks, E!) and zero Facebook followers, so if we get 5 total out of this little PSA we will feel like the coolest girls at band camp. We’ve also had some questions about sharing the blog on Facebook (you guys are the best) since we’re trying to stay anonymous, but these pages aren’t connected at all to our personal accounts so please feel free to share away!

All three of us will be tweeting, possibly even live tweeting during dates (okay that admittedly would be a tad rude, but I can’t promise there won’t be bathroom tweeting if a date is awful), talking about upcoming posts, doing a lot of unnecessary (slash totally necessary) hashtagging, and sharing super interesting tidbits about our exciting single lives…

#LizLemonforever (don’t say I didn’t warn you!) Now without further delay, here is Friday’s post on dating trends:

When we started this blog a few months ago, I opened a fresh Google doc and made a list of everyone I’ve been out with for reference/story purposes. As I reviewed my past dates, I started to notice certain…similarities. Trends, if you will. It turns out the guys I’ve been seeing definitely have some random things in common. Unfortunately I don’t mean that I’ve dated multiple socially conscious millionaires with hearts of gold, or multiple guys who look like this:

ryan shirtless

My examples are slightly weirder…

Number of journalists I’ve dated: 4

Two of these guys were print journalists, an ALLEGEDLY dying profession, but I somehow managed to find a few. To be clear I was not a journalism major, I don’t work in journalism (unless you count my prestigious blogging career), and I don’t mention anything about being an aspiring writer on my profile. Please know that two of these guys also literally attended the same (out of state) school for journalism. Possible Explanation: I obviously like to write, and I definitely value that talent in others. I also think I’m drawn to well written and witty profiles since that’s legitimately all you have to go off of in the beginning. Plus I totally judge people on spelling and grammar. And not to toot my own horn (too late) but I think I’m a pretty decent writer, so maybe that’s how these dudes are finding their way to my profile. Either that or they all know each other and this is some sort of elaborate ruse for an article in the Chicago Sun Times.

Damn, I forgot about Michael Vartan. He was a delicious treat.

Number of former DJs or guys who claimed to DJ “as a hobby”: 3

Is this a thing I wasn’t aware of? Does everyone suddenly have a turntable in their living room? One of these dudes allegedly messed around with it for fun, but the second was a well known DJ in Philly for a while (my friends and I refer to him exclusively as DJ A___) and the third had a podcast that he DJ’d every Sunday and apparently was often hired to “spin at house parties” (PS who the eff is hiring a DJ for their house party? College frats? Hipsters? Weird ravers who didn’t get the memo that it’s no longer 2001?) So there’s that. And PS I always found out about this in person, on a date, not beforehand… it’s to the point where the last guy said “DJ” and I literally thought my friends were punking me. Possible Explanation: I love music, and I definitely mention that in my profile, but it’s interesting that I’ve never been out with an actual musician/member of a band. Just, you know, MCs spinning jams.

Fun useless pop culture fact: that scary DJ is none other than Justin Theroux, aka Mr. Jennifer Aniston. So apparently I’m in good company.

Number of guys who claimed I was their first or second OKCupid date ever: 4+

Yeahhhh. This one is… troubling. I mean, how do I not interpret this as guys are asking me out because they think I’m super obtainable as a date/not out of their league/someone they want to “practice” on? I know I certainly thought that about my first date ever… I literally looked at his profile said out loud, “WELP, gotta start somewhere.” I also do feel like I’m more nice/polite/friendly than your average jaded single gal, so maybe that just comes off as approachable? I hope? #Laugh/cry. Possible Explanation: I’m the dating equivalent of training wheels. In the interest of not wanting to kill myself, let’s just chalk it up to me being super awesome and guys not wanting to waste another second before meeting me. Or alternatively, that they’re all lying (wouldn’t be the first time) and are actually seasoned online dating veterans.

Number of “actors”: 3

I live in Philly, so obviously we’re not talking card carrying SAG members who are gunning for soaps and Old Spice commercials (remember this gem?). I wish. These three guys all had day jobs but acted locally on stage as a hobby. I believe the the term “regional theater” was used more than once in conversation. So actually that “ironic” 30 Rock clip from the beginning of the post could LITERALLY apply to me if I dated one of these guys long term. One of them had also recently joined an improv group…

Possible explanation: I honestly have no idea what this trend is about. I mean, one of my dating pet peeves is guys who are bad conversationalists, and these were definitely three of my more outgoing dates, so in that way it makes sense.

Conclusion: Apparently I date dramatic musical writers who are just looking to write headlines, spin some vinyl and get their feet wet in the dating world before moving on to greener pastures. Hmm. Well. I think I need to call on the wisdom of my spirit animal, Liz Lemon, once again: 

Have a great weekend, guys!