that awkward moment when your date finds your dating blog

You guys. I hope you’re prepared to have a large chuckle at my expense, because boyyyy do I have a treat for you.

hump day treat

This is (to our knowledge) a first here at Stupid Cupid. Up until now, no one we’ve dated, as far as we know, has found, had access to, or read our blog. UNTIL NOW. Because (drumroll please)….

Someone I’m currently dating has found this blog.

You’re probably saying something like, “That’s funny! But come on, it’s not that bad. At least you didn’t write about him.”

Except OH WAIT. I did. Yup. Go back and read that little diddy about my first date with D, in which I called him a nerd, lambasted his Okcupid profile, and basically implied that he was a creepy stalker slash potential murderer. #facepalm

face palm

Allow me to start at the beginning, because this is truly a tale you all deserve to enjoy fully and in minute detail. I have been seeing D intermittently since our first date about two months ago. I didn’t mention him again after that post because honestly, I really do try to avoid writing about guys I go out with unless/until it’s over. For this VERY F*CKING REASON. But I made an exception this time since D was the one to break the the epic dry spell I’d written so much about.

As previously mentioned on my first date post, D works in IT and is essentially a doctorate-level internet stalker, which I respect. Or at least I did, when I thought the only thing he’d found was my last name via my LinkedIn profile. I told him about the blog almost immediately, but gave him minimal info. beyond the fact that it existed. And he never let on that he’d discovered it. UNTIL…

This past Sunday night, when D casually brought up that awful scorpion email we single mutants received from Okc a few weeks ago. You remember, the one I freaked out about? I responded with something like: “I know, wasn’t that the worst? I actually just wrote a rage-filled blog post about it”.

But something about the way D had brought it up made me pause. My Spidey senses were tingling. So I broached the subject…

d blog 2

As you can see, D never actually answered my question. My weird hunch suddenly turned to certainty, and then to straight dread. At this point I’m going to switch FULLY over to screen caps of our conversation, so you can live out the epic fail right there with me:

d blog 1

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Speaking of going “Fuuuuuuuuuck” at high volume, while this was going down I promptly threw up the bat signal and woke poor L’s ass up:

d blog

Good co-blogger and friend that she is, she called me immediately and calmed me down. Meanwhile, D was finishing his epic tale of Stucu discovery…

d blog 2

So. Quick recap:

  • This douchebag in a vagina costume is single-handedly responsible for blowing my cover. That sounds about right.
  • D found the blog, followed it, and promptly forgot about it, until my post ABOUT HIM showed up on his blogroll. I can’t make this stuff up, folks.
  • D has known about the blog for two months, and I had no clue until three days ago.
  • D’s friends have read our blog.
  • D’s mom has read our blog. (/Hi, Mrs. D?)

After my initial shock/freak out, I started to process what happened, and I realized that D was actually being incredibly cool and gracious about the whole thing. Hypocritical as it sounds, I’m not sure I’d respond so kindly if I stumbled upon some blog post a first date of mine had blown up the internet with, especially if he basically reviewed me like a summer blockbuster and RATED OUR DATE on a scale of 1-10. Especially when D started referencing older posts of mine and I realized that he’d gone back and read our entire blog, from start to finish:

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I’ll admit, the one thing I was annoyed with D about was the fact that he’d kept his discovery a secret. The fact that he’d known basically the entire time we’ve been going out and hadn’t said a word about it made me feel a bit like an idiot. But after he laid down his arguments:

  • We were dating very casually at first, with lots of time in between seeing each other. He wasn’t sure if he’d even see me again.
  • I’d accused him of being a stalker and (only half-jokingly) asked if he was a serial killer, and he didn’t want to come off as even creepier than I’d already accused him of being.
  • He was secretly hoping I’d write another blog post about him before he revealed that he’d found it.

I couldn’t really be mad. I would’ve done the same thing had I been in his shoes. All I can say is, thank God I kept my mouth shut for once in my life and stopped at one post!

Also, the bottom line is, this sort of thing comes with the territory. This is what we signed up for when we started a dating blog and put our shit on the internet. Anonymous or not, we knew this was always a possibility; I figured I’d be sharing the blog with SOMEONE eventually if we got serious enough. I just (foolishly) thought that I’d be in control of the when and the how of that reveal. Ahhh, how young and naive I was back then.

Not gonna lie, I can’t help but feel a liiiiittle bit like Bridget Jones when Mark Darcy finds her diary:

Luckily, I didn’t write that D acts like he has a “giant gherkin thrust up his backside” (don’t worry, he doesn’t), but Lord, do I feel Bridget’s horror and embarrassment in that moment. Actually, I think we all need to watch the following scene right now. Don’t ask questions. Colin Firth just makes everything better:

At least this whole thing didn’t end with me running down the street in gold zebra print knickers while a homeless man shouts after me in the snow. #smallvictories

Anyway, D continued to assure me that he was cool with the whole thing, and he was also super complimentary about the blog and our writing in general. Just when I felt my blood pressure return to a semi-human rate, another thought occurred to me: I wanted to write a post about this. I wanted to share this absurd hilarity with our readers, complete with our texts. Was D going to be cool with that? What was the protocol now that I knew he was going to presumably read every new thing I wrote? I asked him if he’d mind if I shared this story:

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And we shall, D! We shall.

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Dating in the New Year-Resolutions that I want to keep

bridget jones

(It physically pains me not to be able to embed the accompanying clip from Bridget Jones here, since it’s so befitting. But APPARENTLY no one reveres this cinematic triumph enough to upload it to Youtube. Click here if you’d like to watch. Aaaand I’m out. Take it away, L!)

It’s that time of year again, folks. Christmas has come and gone, and in the days between now and January 1. most people are concocting elaborate New Year’s resolutions to lose all the pounds they put on through competitive holiday eating and drinking.  Due to my deep and dependent relationship with food, I am not actually sure the traditional “lose 10 lbs” resolution is going to work for me.

tina fey food

However, just because I’m not giving up my night cheese does not mean I don’t have some very rigorous resolutions up my sleeve, a few which are dating-related. And what better people to share them than with my co-bloggers and our wonderful readers? Here goes…

Resolution #1: Date one guy at a time

When I started dating this year, I felt like I was at a Golden Corral. For those of you who aren’t blessed enough to know firsthand, Golden Corral is an incredible, all you can eat buffet where for about $12.99 you can, “HELP YOURSELF TO HAPPINESS.” 

I mean, the slogan for online dating is more like “Help yourself to herpes,” (L, you’re hilarious as always, but THAT SLOGAN IS TERRIFYING) but you get my gist. I basically went to the buffet, grabbed a mish-mash of delicious, though mostly unhealthy, treats, and ate them all at once.  I tried the date the nice guy/ and sleep with the sex idiot combo (more than once). I tried doctors, several Booze Allen consultants (though stopped shy of Edward Snowden, dammit!), former Dominos pizza employees, and music industry moguls sound engineers.  Why is dating multiple guys so appealing?

First, instead of trying to find a guy who has all the qualities you enjoy in another person, you have the much easier task of enjoying different things about different people at once. You can have a great dinner conversation with Bachelor A, and then leave and have great, ahem, non conversation with Bachelor B. Bachelor C takes you to a concert and you talk about music for hours, but he has no idea who Elizabeth Warren is. That’s ok, because you’ll have plenty of time to discuss the next election with Bachelor D a few nights later over a nice dinner.

Second, You don’t get too attached to any one person. After the abrupt demise of my very long term and very serious relationship last fall, I was terrified (and still sort of am) of ever getting close to someone again, and then getting hurt when things ended. What better way to ward off possible attachments than to not commit to one person? Who cares if Bachelor B disappears? You were seeing two other guys, and chances are at least one of them is still around. Score!

However, my whole “I’m so damaged/ I’ll never love again” thing is getting to be like a bad Grey’s Anatomy season series that will never end.

greys-anatomy-ending

(MEREDITH. PLEASE STOP COMPLAINING WHILE EMPHATICALLY MOVING YOUR HEAD TO ONE SIDE.)

I don’t want to be the main character in Shonda Rhime’s next TV show about some high-powered, damaged woman who keeps smacking love in the face (literally).

In 2014, I want to start to approach dating with the possibility of maybe wanting more than just a fling, and to do this, I need to hunker down and determine what qualities I really want in a boo and what I can’t abide by.  And I think that will be a lot easier and more effective if I evaluate my feelings for one guy at a time. Which leads me to…

Resolution #2: Stop worrying about what he’s thinking, and focus on what I’m thinking

For all the boasting I’ve done on this blog (not to mention IN LIFE) about having the running title of “most insecure” among my friends (vying with C, of course!), crippling self doubt and second guessing are actually habits I want to ditch in 2014. It’s kinda tiring living in a mild state of terror, waiting for the worst to happen:

anxiety girl

So, instead of agonizing constantly about what my dates are thinking about me, why they keep asking me out, if they are only in it so they can rob me/get a job/learn Swedish/make friends with all my friends, I am going to start asking myself more, “why am I in this? what do I want? Do I really like this guy? Why or why not?”

Resolution #3: Get buzzed, not drunk

As you know, the ladies of StuCu love themselves some liquor, and I’m proud/sad to say I probably hold the title for biggest heavyweight in this category. While there are a couple great semi-valid reasons to get drunk on dates, there are also a couple of not-so-great consequences to this practice:

  1. Sleeping with guys you don’t even like.
  2. Not totally remembering what you said the next day. I.e., “Did I really tell that guy that I wanted to send anyone caught listening a to Dave Matthew Band songs to jail and Chinese water torture them? Right after he said his favorite song was Ants go Marching? EEEKKK” (Though honestly, if this was his favorite song, he deserved the insult. ) (Based on my highly scientific points system, this statement is completely true.)
  3. The weekday hangovers. Mama’s not 22 anymore.
  4. Did I mention the sleeping with guys you don’t even like thing? Cause it kinda sucks.

Happy New Year, y’all. Here’s hoping that next year, I go from this kinda single lady–

dancing with the computer

to this kind of single lady–

single ladies beyonce

*Obviously I mean Beyonce, not Kelly or Michelle. (Personally, I’d take Kelly, too. Sorry, Michelle).

See you lovely readers in 2014!

Worst date ever contest–vote for your fave!

S here, blogging live from my couch on a Saturday night. Someone had a little too much to drink at her office holiday party last night (that someone was me) and is still recovering from a nasty hangover. IN MY DEFENSE, mom, I was a perfect, professional lady until some co-workers and I went out after the main event. Things went slightly downhill from there. Not Bridget Jones’s Diary office Christmas party karaoke level downhill….but not too far off, either.

bridget jones

PS just spent way too much of my life searching for that clip on Youtube. No dice. In addition to last night’s madness, the night before, Thursday night, I also got inexplicably toasted on a first date. Which I will 100% be telling you all about next week, so stay tuned. What I’m trying to explain to you guys is: mama’s liver needs a break. 

Never fear, though. I’m here to blow up your phones with this update while you’re all out doing really cool shit and living your lives. My neighbors upstairs, for instance, are throwing what sounds like an amazing Christmas party. Meanwhile, I’m rocking Old Navy candy cane flannel pjs (#blessed) and working towards my December goal of watching every single Hallmark Channel Original Holiday Movie of 2013.

You probably thought that was a joke. Oh ye of little faith. Here’s why these movies are so great: If ABC Family is the luxury vehicle of original Christmas programming, and Lifetime is the nice, mid-level sedan, then Hallmark Channel is like… my 2006 Hyundai Elantra. Basic, made cheaply and efficiently, and f*cking fantastic. Here’s what I’m currently enjoying:

let it snow

Oh hey, DJ Tanner. Lookin’ hot in your budget ski resort wardrobe. Good for you, girl. 

Anyway. Sad singleton cliches aside, let’s get down to business. We hope you’ve enjoyed reading this week’s worst date ever contest entries as much as we have. And now…. it’s time to vote! We shared five entries in total. Please vote for your favorite in the poll below. We will leave the poll up until Friday, the 13th (dun dun dunnnn) and announce our three winners then.

If you missed any or all of the stories, you can scroll down to read them or click here:

Thanks again for reading, participating, and making us LOL with these amazing tales of terror. Happy voting, and happy Saturday night, from me and the Hallmark Channel.