Message Monday: Why does S look so ugly?

Good morning and Happy Monday! (Ugh). Everyone had their coffee? Great. Here’s a little treat to ease you into the work week:

message monday 6-24-13

First of all, the worst part of this message is so not the message itself. It’s the fact that I’m allegedly a 74% match with this assclown. Second, if you’ll notice I didn’t block out his “profile pic” aka head shot for an amateur body building competition sponsored by Monster Energy Drink and/or Grindr profile pic that he recycled upon deciding to try out the ladies for a while. In fact, let’s turn this into a combined Message Monday/pic of the week post and check out his sweet bod, shall we?

message monday 6-24-13 pic

Wow. Nice tribal tattoo, bro. Very 2001. Also, nice toilet.

Now, while I’m busy befuddling the men of okcupid with my unattractiveness, let’s see what this guy is up to. Take a look at some of his answers to questions:

message monday intense intell

I am shocked by this. Shocked.

message monday politics

Again, are you serious? I was about to ask your opinion on the NSA leak.

message monday nuclear

You’d probably have to put on a shirt, though. Radiation and all. So that would be a bummer.

message monday racial

That’s a shame, not because you’re an ignorant racist, but because women of color are really missing out by not having the chance to date you. What a loss.

message monday discovering

Well, we’ve all been lucky enough to discover yours already, and may I just say it’s been an honor.

message monday physical features

PREACH. Superficial people are the worst. I’m thrilled that we see eye to eye on this issue, headless tool with a shirtless selfie profile pic who just called a stranger ugly on an online dating site.

message monday comin for ya

Well that’s… terrifying. Please stay right where you are, which I can only assume is first in line at Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s book signing.

situation book

 

Five profile pics I never want to see again

If a picture is worth a thousand words, it’s worth approximately 15,000 on an online dating site, where that and a short bio are the only tools at one’s disposal to help determine whether someone is an eligible match. I’ve seen some cringe-worthy photos in my months of online dating, some of which make me question the sanity and intelligence of the xy chromosome as a whole.

For your viewing pleasure (or displeasure), I’ve narrowed it down to the five most common photographic offenses that baffle me, bug me, and mostly just freak me out. Gentlemen of the dating world: please heed my advice and avoid posting these types of pictures at all costs. If I never see another one, it will be too soon. 

  1. Self shot in your bathroom mirror– I cannot even tell you how many of these are out there. I could start a tumblr exclusively featuring this type of picture and literally keep it going for years. Guys, if your sink, your shower curtain or God forbid, your toilet is visible in a photo, please reconsider. Also, the dudes who post these are almost always repeat offenders; four shots in a row where I can identify not only that you have a Droid Galaxy II but also what brand of shaving cream you use is a bit much. You’re telling me you don’t have one decent photo that someone else took of you at some point in the past year? Or a friend who’s willing to help you out? Now I’m just sad for you.  bathroom pic dual okc okc pic bathroom douche.JPG
  2. Photo with your ex-girlfriend (or for all I know, your current girlfriend)— Seriously? You’re on an online dating site. In what universe does it sound like a good idea to post a picture of you canoodling with some girl? Also, I’m sure your ex would be thrilled to know that a picture of her in pjs with no makeup on is being used to help you score dates on the internet. You’re exactly the type of guy I’m dying to go out with! Bonus if the dude blocks out just his ex-girlfriend’s face from every picture. ‘A’ for effort, sir, but did you know you can cut her entire body out? It’s this newfangled thing called the crop tool.                                                                                                                              guy with gf covered okcokc pic couple
  3. Pic of you and a child (WITHOUT caption)— Look. I love kids and babies. If you post a picture of yourself holding your adorable baby niece, I promise it will make my ovaries tingle. But if you don’t TELL ME whose child that is in the comment section or on your profile, am I wrong in assuming she’s yours? No, no I’m not. So do me a favor and let me know whether or not you’re a baby daddy, would you? Mystery is overrated.                                                                                                                   okc pic baby cupid
  4. Shirtless pic– Please. Save that shit for Craigslist.                                                                                                         okc pic shirtless cupid
  5. Masks/inexplicable costumes–I mean…                                                                                                                                               okc pic mask ANON                                                                                                                                          Honorable mentions: professional head shots (calm down, this isn’t LA), severely pixellated/blurry/far away shots (are you hiding a terrible skin disease? Do you have leprosy?), pictures featuring the middle finger and/or the shocker (so charming! See photo #1)

-S