Stucu’s best date spots: DC Edition

Let’s face it. After a year and a half blogging about online dating, I’ve gone from considering myself a legitimate dating virgin to a semi-pro dater. Extrovert that I am, I love to shout about my self proclaimed expert dating status wherever I go: office party, family dinner, friend of a friend’s party, etc.  

big deal

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3qjz81

So, a question people ask me (and my cobloggers) pretty frequently is: “Where is the best place in DC/Philly/Boston to go on a first date?” So, today, I bring you this post (first in an LSD series) about my favorite DC date spots. A few disclaimers before I get to it…

  1. No one paid us to say anything. If there is one thing consistent about the ladies of Stucu, it’s that we know our own minds. As S put it this weekend when I asked if we had to follow any “rules” during a Painting with a Twist excursion (which was surprisingly fun by the way): “We’ll do what we want. Because that’s how we do.”
  2.  This is more of an art than a science. And by art, I mean that in the most Jackson Pollock kind of way. (God! Painting with a Twist just made me so in touch with the artistic community!)  Our picks are based on our own personal preferences and experiences.
  3. We’re working on our brevity over here, especially because we realize our readers come from all over the place (not just our three cities), so we’re limiting our top picks to three per city. If you’re interested in hearing even more opinions (because GOD KNOWS you don’t get enough of that on this blog already), shoot us an email and we’d be happy to discuss in more detail.
  4. We have a not so secret agenda here (honestly, what could be less secret than a public blog??) to get some great reader suggestions out of this. Please don’t pass up this opportunity to help us sound cool when we suggest potential spots, ever so casually, to our future dates.

So here goes…

DC TOP THREE FIRST DATE SPOTS

1. Beers and banterBoard room (1737 Connecticut Ave NW, Washington, DC 20009)

Remember that place I mentioned a couple of weeks ago? Where I’ve literally been on dates with five different men? Well, that place is called Board room and,  it totally deserves my business (and my date’s business).

First of all, it’s conveniently located near bus and metro (not to mention near my office and across the street from one of my BFF’s apartments). I can get there in 5 minutes from work and 15 minutes from home. And if my date lives in a remotely cool location (aka not the suburbs like SOME PEOPLE), he can get there quickly too.

But way more importantly, combining games and beer is a surefire way to make a possibly probably awkward conversation with a total stranger less awkward. Instead of starting with the usual getting to know you questions (So you’re from Ohio…how long have you lived in Logan Circle…did you watch the USA vs. Ghana game…), you can pretend to be concentrating on sinking your opponent’s Battleship.

Plus, there is the added banter aspect. I’ll admit that my preferred style of flirting is what my colleague calls, “playground flirting,” which means that I spend a lot of time teasing guys and challenging them to strange competitions. So, nothing helps me get my groove on more than making eyes over a Connect Four board. Unless it’s kicking some serious butt (I always do), in Scrabble, all while chiding my date for not researching two-letter words before challenging me to a match. (See, I like trash-talking so much I’m literally about to start flirting with myself on this blog right now).

2. Neighborhood classicMeridian Pint (11th St NW, Washington, DC 20010)

This place is even closer to my apartment than Board room. Score! But proximity is not the reason this bar gets the #2 spot on this list. (I’m lazy, but not that lazy). It’s not a dive at all, but it’s still just one tiny step below what I’d actually call a restaurant. I’d call it a friendly neighborhood pub, but I don’t associate pubs with very good food, and Meridian Pint’s nachos will knock your socks off. Plus, they have a killer beer list that not only results in drinking some delicious and hard to find things (Victory Dirtwolf, anyone?) but also is an instant conversation starter about beer preferences, a subject I could go on and on about at length. (Though, my expertise is really in shitty  low cost beers. One of the many things on my bucket list is to write my own version of this amazing list. And, btw, HOW DARE YOU INSULT YUENGLING, WILL GORDON OF DEADSPIN. I’M COMING FOR YOU). 

Plus, Meridian Pint has all the seating options you could possibly desire: outside seating for perfect DC days (of which there about 15 per year, and we will not see again until the end of this already humid summer), upstairs tables or bar for intimate conversation, and downstairs bar for some TV-watching and rowdiness. 

3. Cheese and ChocolateCoco Sala (929 F St NW, Washington, DC 20004)

I know, I know.  I’ve gone on record previously and said I don’t believe in eating anything on first dates. But this place is an exception. Coco Sala’s menu has a heavy focus on chocolate, complimented by lots of delicious dishes involving cheese and, more often than not, bacon.

bacon

https://www.distilled.net/blog/bacon-mouthwash-how-to-pull-off-an-april-fools-prank/

I know S, D, and I have all waxed poetic about cheese on the blog before. But don’t think I’ve introduced you to my personal holy trinity: cheese, bacon, and bourbon. And chocolate. And beer. And Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich. (OK, so not really a trinity at all, but give me a break. I mix up religious references all the time.)The point is, Coco Sala has a delicious menu of small plates that could only be improved by adding a slider that resembled Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Plus, the portions are small and delicate enough that you can try a lot of things without getting full, and without resembling this:

burgers

https://www.distilled.net/blog/bacon-mouthwash-how-to-pull-off-an-april-fools-prank/

(I want to retitle that image: L at Shake Shack after a long day).

Coco Sala also has some mad-flattering lighting which I desperately need after a long work day. And, it’s always crowded, but not too crowded, so you can feel like you’re somewhere cool and hip, but still hear your date speak.

That’s it y’all. I decided to wrap this up rather abruptly because even thinking about this place is making me want to defrost some brownies I may or MAY NOT have in my freezer and eat them while watching Orange is the New Black.

So that’s my DC Top Three! Readers, I’d love to hear yours, so don’t be shy; leave it in the comments! And stay tuned for the top three favorites of my Yankee sisters up in Philly and Boston.

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Another Wastey Date and the Guy who Couldn’t Wait

Readers, I hope you picked up on my efforts to rhyme in the title. Iggy Azelea may have the market cornered on Fancy, but I’m still hoping to write my own rap, to the same beat, entitled: Clever.

But I digress. S promised you some date stories, and a date story from me you shall get. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had abandoned the good ole OKC account while I was dating Basketbro T. Of course, during the relatively short period of time  that passed between not checking my profile and then disabling it entirely,  I got some a few very decent messages from attractive and interesting seeming guys. As we know, good messages from cute guys on the internet do not come often (see: S’s explanation of Good Message Unicorn for a full treatise on the rarity of such occurrences). So, when I reactivated my account a few weeks ago, I messaged those guys back, knowing full well that it was unlikely I’d get a response since significant time had passed.

And I was mostly right. I only heard back from one of these unicorns. We’re gonna call this guy “S the Third” because he was the third guy I dated with the same first name that obviously, started with the letter S. (If you fancy yourself a sleuth and want to try and guess the name–WHICH IS ACTUALLY NOT THAT COMMON–please see the other posts  re: his predecessors, S1 and S2). Anyway, I won’t spend a ton of time describing S the Third, because he was a pretty typical DC prospect. Grew up in the DC suburbs, became a lawyer, major hobbies included traveling, Netflixing, and following DC area sports.

boring gif

http://isthiswhyimstillsingle.wordpress.com/

I know, I know, not the most interesting dude, but he was attractive and outgoing, and I am still a bit in rebound mode thanks to Basketbro.

The most important thing for you to know about S the Third happened on our first date. He and I met at a bar near my office that also happens to have board games. (Please know, I’ve been to this bar on dates with so many different men that, at this point, I feel compelled to slip the bartender a 20 just so he doesn’t shout, “You again?” or, “who is the new guy?” or accuse me of running a board game-themed escort service. Though, on second thought, a board game-themed escort service actually sounds like a brilliant idea. I could call it Connect Four Love. Or Battlestrip. The possibilities are endless!)

Anyway, S the Third and I met on a Wednesday night for Connect Four, Boggle, and flirty, competitive banter that involved wagering drinks on the outcomes of various games. We were having fun, which means we played a lot of games, which means we were racking up rounds of drinks.  I won’t even insult your intelligence by telling you the obvious consequence of these drinks, save to say at this point I am gonna go ahead and call “Buzzed not drunk,” the 2014 dating resolution equivalent of the Munich Agreement

drinking gif

http://isthiswhyimstillsingle.wordpress.com/

So when S the Third proposed sitting down for a pizza dinner at 10 pm, I was 100% in, even though I had to work in the morning. After splitting I devoured a sausage and pepperoni pie, I was adequately sated but thoroughly exhausted. It was almost 11:30, and all I could think about was getting into my PJs and reading in bed. (God, I’ve never felt older than I did when I reread the previous sentence. Thirty, here I come).

S the Third wanted to keep our date going, but was understanding when I insisted on going home. I hailed a cab, which pulled up next to me. I turned to S the Third and gave him a standard first date goodbye:  a hug and a thank you for drinks, dinner, etc.  But when I pulled away, and put my hand on the cab door to open it,  S the Third grabbed me and went in for a full on make out session! And my reaction was something like this…

seinfeld surprise

http://giphy.com/gifs/MH7QJh2JSWV4Q

The thing is, I had a good time. And S the Third was cute. So I wasn’t opposed to the first date kiss, in theory. But, there were several factors that made this kiss completely terrifying for me:

  • I hate PDA. And, while I know that a public first date kiss is inevitable unless you happen to be in someone’s car or house, I would prefer it wouldn’t happen on a busy street corner, with a focused audience that included one slightly impatient, middle aged Indian man who was driving my cab.
  • I am also really cheap frugal.  Those who know me well know that it was already enough sacrifice that I was taking  a cab  home rather than walking or taking the bus. So all my beer-addled brain could think about as this guy was running his hands through my hair and passionately kissing me, was, “Did the cabbie start the meter yet? How much do they charge per standing minute again? I need to get in this cab and get moving!!”

I must have confined my somewhat illogical panics to my head though, because  S the Third was not fazed. He followed up on our date by asking me out again, and we went out a couple more times before I realized, unfortunately, that, in the tradition of the other “S”s that came before him, that he kind of bored me and this would not be more to me than a fun fling.  But I thank him wholeheartedly, because after the Basketbro breakup, I needed to be flung a bit.

Date Rating: 7/10. I’d give the above described first date a strong score. It involved pizza, beer, and board games, and S the Third was good company. I just wish he’d have reigned it in a little when it came to the good night kiss. The make out cost me a whole 66 cents in cab fare.

Realness rankings: Date scenes from cinema classics

In case you haven’t noticed, the ladies of StuCu blog are pop culture DEVOTEES, especially when it comes to a good rom com, and especially especially when it comes to a good 80s or 90s rom com. Up to a year and a half ago, I formed my ideas of what dates looked like largely from TV or movies.  When I actually entered the dating world, I realized that, for better or for worse, some of those scenes were realistic, and some of them were as far from reality as one can get, which, much to the delight of my friends, left me shouting things at the TV like, “OH PULEEZE! GIVE ME A BREAK!”

So for your viewing pleasure this weekend, I bring you:

daytime realness

http://giphy.com/gifs/k7EfYv6OHGDSM

L’s realness analysis of some of our generation’s most treasured films. Realness rankings are as follows:

Not real at all-REALLY??

Real-ish-REAL

So real I’m getting PTSD from watching: REALNESS

1. Fever Pitch: If you haven’t seen it, go ahead and watch the trailer.

Now here’s what you need to know: that cute little scene at the beginning of the trailer, where they are exchanging witty banter, walking through the park on a crisp, winter day, that scene, is proceeded by a first date scene, where Ben goes to pick up Lindsay at her apartment, finds her sick to her stomach, and instead of leaving, spends all night cleaning up her vomit. 

REALNESS RANKING: REALLY??

Look, while there is no denying that Jimmy Fallon is a gentleman (I mean, have you seen him lip sync??), the truth is that no man, even him, would stick around to do that in real life. And no woman would let a near stranger into her home when she was feeling like hell and just wanted to spend the night with her toilet, sipping flat ginger ale. 

What would have been more realistic? She would have sent a text and cancelled, and he would never have ended up at her apartment in the first place. Best case scenario, they reschedule. Worst (and more likely) case scenario: they exchange a series of meaningless text exchanges and then someone disappears. 

2. Clueless: God bless Amy Heckerling for actually being the voice of our generation. Remember when Cher invites Christian over for a date at her house and all he wants to do is watch Tony Curtis movies (because he’s a really great actor)?

REALNESS RANKING: REAL

There are many elements of reality here:

  • Spending your post-date hours wondering “what is wrong with me?” in response to some guy’s behavior that actually has nothing to do with you? CHECK.
  • Obsessing about what happened to your friends? CHECK.
  • Finding out that you are dating a gay guy? I mean, maybe this only happens to me. But still…CHECK.

Let’s also take a minute to point out how much that Murray/Dionne scene on the freeway reminds me of my high school boyfriend teaching me to drive (if you replace the convertible with a maroon Buick Oldsmobile that only has one working door).

3. Bright Jones Diary: I wish I was talking about Bridget’s first date with Mark Darcy, but they never really have a first real date, unless you count the birthday dinner after the Eleanor Heany and Kaffir Aghani interview. But I’m not. I’m talking about her first date with that alcoholic, workaholic, sexaholic, commitment-phobic, peeping tom, megalomaniac, emotional fuckwit pervert, Daniel Cleaver.

REALNESS RANKING: REALNESS

Let’s review the story line, shall we? Bridget attends a party where she manages to feel like both a social outcast and a professional failure, leaving her self-esteem in shambles.

She gets drunk, and agrees to an impromptu date with that scoundrel Daniel Cleaver, where he basically sexually harasses her and insults her intelligence the whole time. They go back to her apartment, and she sleeps with him anyway. (Sadly, I can’t embed a link of this into the post, so you’ll have to watch her further humiliation here: http://www.miramax.com/watch?v=5seXBiYjpp5frUg4VgjMwQCo6dnnNGyX

They proceed to have an ill-advised fling that ends poorly.

Oh, Bridget, this is why billions of people paid money to read your diary. We feel you, girl. Cause we’ve all been there.

I refuse to end this blog post on a depressing note though. It’s the freaking weekend, it’s soon to be June, the flowers are in bloom, other obligatory pleasantries, blah blah blah. The point is, at the end of the day, Bridget gets Mark Darcy, who is delicious.

just as you are

http://wifflegif.com/gifs/449622-bridget-joness-diary-just-the-way-you-are-gif

REALNESS LESSON: We all deserve someone who likes us, just as we are. And he’s out there.*

*He may not look like Colin Firth and sound like a top human rights barrister though, so do keep an open mind.

Got any TV/movie date scenes that shaped your (possibly misguided) impression of romance? Leave it in the comments readers!

Message Monday: The Welcome Back Edition

This weekend, I reactivated my OKCupid profile. I had temporarily disabled it while dating Basketbro, not because I thought we were BF/GF or anything, but because, since I was not intending to go on any dates and therefore had no reason to answer messages, it was becoming hard to manage. I didn’t check it regularly, and when I did, I had too many messages to sift through, and not enough time to determine who was worth writing a really bizarre temporary rejection/wait till I am single again message to

There was a teeny weeny delusional part of me of course, that hoped that minute my pic reappeared on the site, everyone would break into the theme song from Cheers:

However, I felt more like Mr. Kotter on his first day back at Buchanan High School. (The humidity actually makes our hairdos quite similar.)

welcome-back-kotter1

http://chicagored.wordpress.com/category/uncategorized/

*Actually, I just really listened to the “Cheers” theme song and it’s a bit depressing. Nevermind. I guess there is no good way to be welcomed back into the online dating community.*

I started to sort through messages I received earlier in the month. I replied to a few promising ones, with some adorable jokes explaining my delay in response. However, the majority were duds. Let me share with you some of my favorites:

welcome back message 5

Huh? To do what with? There is literally nothing about animals in my profile. Of course, my mind went to the darkest place ever, where I immediately decided my profile was attracting, at the very worst, men with bestiality fetishes, and at the very best, furries.

Let’s see if we can find something a little safer, shall we…

welcome back message 4

Nevermind. Spoke too soon. Men, for the last time, repeat after me: NO HUNTING/GUN/MURDERING JOKES IN MESSAGESAnd, if you’re going to insist on being a murderer, at least be a murderer who can spell. At least the faux suicide note you leave in my apartment after you kill me will have some credibility. Haha. (Not haha actually, I just scared myself with my own dark, dark joke).

Now, reactivating your profile after a brief hiatus apparently causes all those people on OKC to think you’re new blood, and results in one getting a lot more messages. I was so excited to sign on the next morning and see 17 new messages in my inbox. That is, UNTIL I READ THEM. Some gems include:

welcome back message 3

Not only is this a form message, but it’s a weirdly awkward form message. Why?

1) It actively references the feeling of irritation you feel when you open YET another form message

2) There are emoticons (and you KNOW how I feel about emoticons.)

3) It features a businesslike, pestering conclusion demanding I respond in an absurdly prompt manner.

However, at least this guy cared to write something coherent. Check out this love letter from across the Atlantic:

welcome back message 2

What is happening here? How did this Russian even find me? What is he trying to say? Did one of Putin’s cabinet members mean to write to Angela Merkel to beg a more merciful response to the annexation of the Crimean Peninsula, and accidentally message me on OkCupid instead?

merkel

http://roflrazzi.cheezburger.com/news/tag/angela-merkel

I couldn’t have said it better myself, Angela.

Of course, then, there are those creepy messages that I’d love to say I 100% hate to receive, but I only 90% hate them because they are a self esteem boost.

welcome back message 1

 

Please know that this came from a 36 year old gentleman who lists Anime and paper dolls as some of his interests. While I won’t be going out with him any time soon ever, at least I can sign off tonight feeling like:

sally field like me

 http://giphy.com/gifs/IoAiRr1nrrJn2

The Hat Trick

Ladies and gentleman, call me Alex Ovechkin, because I just gave the girls of StuCu blog our very first hat trick.

ovechkin-goal-3-1-11-o

That’s right, after getting up the courage to admit to myself, and of course, the blogosphere, that I actually might like Basketbro T, he’s gonna go ahead and dump me Sunday morning, post sleepover at my apartment. 

I mean:

what-is-happening_thumb

https://isthiswhyimstillsingle.wordpress.com/

I don’t know. I mean, is this the universe’s way of punishing us for having a dating blog? (IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU SAID YES, GO AWAY BECAUSE I’M ‘MOTIONAL AND CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW). More likely, it’s just an extremely unfortunate coincidence that is so absurdly depressing, it is actually a bit funny. 

s and l whine 5-5-2014 

I mean, over at StuCu, we’re nothing if not dramatic.

So, let’s get right to it and answer the important questions about Dumping #3:

Wait a second, who is this guy? And why is he “Basketbro T”?

In five sentences or less…

He’s a guy I’ve been seeing since the beginning of March. He lived in a hideous suburb 40 mins from DC. Best things about him were: his sense of humor, down to earthiness, and his competence/reliability in making plans. It also didn’t hurt that he was a cutie. Per our new blog protocol, I decided to call him Basketbro T because he loves college basketball and actually writes for a sports blog as a side hustle. I could have picked a more pejorative, alliterative nickname, but because he’s a nice guy, and, at the end of the day, I’m a classy girl, I’ll stick with Basketbro.

That was 6 sentences. Keep it short L; some of us are reading this at work. Now, what went wrong?

Look, I never though this guy was “the one” or anything. In fact, I kept describing him as mediocre to my girlfriends, and while it’s well documented I have a fetish for that sort of thing (and sports bloggers for that matter! Can you believe this is the SECOND SPORTS BLOGGER I’VE DATED? Watch out Kevin Durant, because I’m thinking of just upgrading to straight-up athletes), I knew I could never be with someone who so wholeheartedly did not challenge me at all. And while it was bad enough he lived in the suburbs, Basketbro T also feared and hated the city. I mean, the first time he came over to my apartment, he made me walk him to his car, which was parked a block away, at 2:30 a.m. And I live in a pretty nice part of DC. And I had to put pants AND a coat AND shoes on to walk him out.

really

lawstreetmedia.com

Well, I was determined to get Basketbro over his fear of the city, so last weekend I planned a bar crawl for us through some of my favorite neighborhoods. Thus far, he had taken initiative to plan all of our dates, and I figured, if this was going to work, I was going to need to pull my weight in the planning department. (This is extremely rare, btw, because usually men think “planning” a date involves sending a text saying something like: “What do you want to do? What time is good? Any place you have in mind? What should do I with my life?”)

But when Basketbro came by on Saturday, something was just…different. Maybe it was his body language? Maybe I just have a great sixth sense? 

sixth sense

http://wifflegif.com/tags/25649-the-sixth-sense-gifs

Well, not THAT great, but you get my gist. I immediately knew something was off.

But we went on our bar crawl and he was an enthusiastic participant (for the most part). And, he spent the night. But, when we said goodbye the next morning,  and he got in his car, I just got the feeling I wouldn’t see him again. 

So instead of just walking away, I turned around and knocked on his window.

Basketbro T: (Opens car door) Do you need a ride?

L: No silly, I live here. I just have this weird feeling that this is the last time we’ll see each other and I’d rather just get this conversation over with now than hash it out over text/phone later.

Basketbro T: (Sighs). Yeah…you’re right. It’s just the distance is a little much for me. And I don’t feel like we see each other enough. If I am going to take it to the next level with a girl, I need to see her more. 

L: OK…

Basketbro T: Plus, it feels the spark is kinda fizzling out.

L: That sounds right to me. I kind of anticipated this last night.

Baksetbro T: You’re a good person.  You deserve to find someone who lives closer to you.

L: Thanks. You too. Good luck to you.

Wow. What a mature conversation. So, how do you feel about the whole thing?

The minute he drove away, of course, I called S and cried. Sure, I knew deep down that I wasn’t that into him, and honestly, I probably would have ended it in a date or two for the same reasons. But it sucks to feel rejected, especially by a short, suburbs-dwelling auditor who wore oversize shirts and feared the mean streets of Northwest DC.  I couldn’t help but think:

pathetic gif

https://isthiswhyimstillsingle.wordpress.com/

Also, I was somewhat hurt by the fact that homeboy was about to drive off and probably never contact me again, or send me a two line rejection text in a couple days. He and I had been out enough times that we’d discussed dating and relationships a bit, and I had made it super clear how much I disdained fadeaways and other cowardly behavior. I feel like I shouldn’t have had to demand the explanation I deserved.  

Lastly, I am just disappointed  that this wasn’t what I wanted it to be, which was a fun relationship where both of us were super into each other. Third, fourth, and subsequent dates are SO MUCH BETTER than first dates, and I’d be a liar if I said I was nothing but dreading getting out there again.

But I know, in a few weeks days, my attitude will adjust and that’ll change. And, the good news for you, readers, is that we will have some new stories for you about guys verbally abusing us over frozen yogurt or losing their cars on first dates.

Ugh. This story is kinda dull because you behaved in such a well-adjusted, adult way. Are you sure you didn’t do anything crazy with Basketbro T?

Ah, you know me too well! The previous week, I was carelessly performing a little twitter stalking on my phone between episodes of Pretty Little Liars (#bestshowever #mosthashtagsever) and accidentally FAVORITED one of Basketbro T’s tweets! From my personal account, which is basically, MY NAME. About something completely weird and irrelevant to me. I mean, could I be more of a social media butterfingers? Luckily, S reassured me, before revoking my StuCu social media privileges:

L tweet mistake

 

What made it more awkward is Basketbro T never called me out on it. I don’t know if this is because he never got a notification (I immediately unfavorited it when I realized my mistake) or because he was so weirded out he just wanted to pretend like it didn’t happen.

family guy gif

Icanhasgif.com

Readers, wherever you are and whenever you read this, I encourage you to take a moment and pour one out for the ladies of StuCu and our utterly awkward and humiliating spring season. 

homies pour one out

Think of it as a collective toast to a better summer. For all of us.

Wish you were here: And other updates on L’s New Year’s Resolutions

Believe it or not readers, we are well into our second quarter of 2014. Which means it’s time to take a step back. Reflect. Mediate. Think about who we are, and what we have accomplished.

Biden SOTU

 http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/wp/2014/01/29/the-state-of-the-union-in-11-gifs-and-pictures/

Whoa, calm down Joe Biden. This state of the union isn’t that serious. But I do think it’s time for me to take pause and evaluate how I’ve done on my New Year’s Resolutions that I so boldly embraced back in December. 

Let’s have a look, shall we?

RESOLUTION #1: DATE ONE GUY AT A TIME

dumbledore

http://giphy.com/gifs/NsFDCblOHz9QI

You can join Dumbledore in offering me some tepid applause, because I’m actually doing a pretty good job on this one. Sure, my success is at least partially due to the fact that I went one some pretty terrible dates this winter. But, I’ve honestly made a concerted effort not to pack my schedule with dates with any promising bachelor in the OKC universe. The good part about this? I’ve been seeing the same guy for just shy of two months, and I actually might like him. The scary part? I’ve been seeing the same guy for just shy of two months, and I actually might like him, and I can’t hide my feelings behind the distractions with other guys.

Of course, I’ve kept my OKC profile active, because 1) it’s early yet and 2) I’m a well-respected semi-famous dating blogger after all, and I need that profile for professional reasons. And, before I had decided I was actually dating the bachelor of the moment, I had been exchanging messages with a couple promising guys on OKC. Rather than just disappearing into thin air, as many many online daters before me have done, I decided to take the direct approach to let them know I wasn’t interested in going out:

one guy at a time

HAHAHA. I gotta tell you readers, this guy’s response actually IMPRESSED me. I have a weakness for negative cynics, and as you have probably discerned, there is nothing I give more credit to than a direct, blunt response. So, it’s good to know, if things with T (promising bachelor) don’t work out, my Prince Charming Miserable may be out there.

Anyhoo, speaking of T, that brings me to …

RESOLUTION # 2: STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT HE’S THINKING, AND FOCUS ON WHAT I’M THINKING

This is a tricky one readers. While I was walking around last year feeling like the most romantically wounded adult on the planet, apparently 5000000 people were having the exact same feeling. What I’ve learned from my friends, colleagues, co-bloggers, and you, wonderful readers, is that most people who have been in any serious relationship, which has then ended, amicably or not, is pretty worried about getting hurt again. As a result, most of us spend time protecting ourselves, which means 1) not getting close enough to anyone to let them hurt us and 2) anticipating the moment where the other shoe will drop, and we’ll get hurt again. In fact, this phenomenon is so common that there is a whole TED talk on it (recommended by my friend A. Thanks A!) I strongly suggest that, if you are one of the 5 million of the aforementioned people who fear rejection like me, you watch it–after you’ve finished reading this post of course.

So, inspired by the TED talk and the stories of many, I am trying very very hard to just embrace the feeling of liking someone again. And to explore all the other feelings, and questions, and reflections that come with it. Am I always successful? No. (Per the read receipt incident S mentioned a few weeks ago). But I’m trying, and this is one of those rare times I think the journey is as important as the destination.

joker

http://giphy.com/gifs/cEYFeE1QgHWH2YADVHG

Yikes! That is one scary GIF. I get the message, Heath, don’t worry. I’ll get off my emotional soapbox now and go back to trying to get some cheap laughs…

RESOLUTION #3: GET BUZZED, NOT DRUNK

Barring what I like to call “the Mormon surprise of 2014”  (which is covered by the well known resolution clause which reads, when you are out with someone you can compare to Tom, Cruise and John Travolta, all bets are off), I thought I was doing a pretty decent job on this one. During a recent post-date Sunday morning brunch with C, I was patting myself on the back for this feat when C interrupted me. 

L: “And I mean, T kept saying I was drunk last night. But I wasn’t. He just doesn’t understand yet how freaking fun I am, even when I am sober.”

C: “I thought your New Year’s resolution was not to get drunk on dates.”

L: “Yeah, that’s what I just said. I didn’t get drunk on my date.”

C: “Yes you did.”

L: “NO I DIDN’T. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CRUSH THE BUTTERFLY THAT IS MY SPIRIT?”

C: (Pulls out cellphone) “Um, please look at these texts you sent me.”

drunk text c 1

drunk text c 2

L: (mouth agape) “I don’t even remember sending those texts.”

C: “I mean, could there be clearer evidence I am right? You actually said,  I got drunk [drink] on this date. You also said you wished I was there, which was weird.”

God bless, C, my real life sassy gay friend. 

Thanks to C, I am back on the wagon (and by wagon, I mean 4 drink max on dates).  Now, if only he’d help T pick out some better fitting shirts…

Overall  resolution-keeping grade: B. I picked some hard resolutions y’all. (Esp 2 and 3!). I’ve done better on them than the year before, but there is still plenty of room for improvement in quarters 3 and 4.

Regrets: I don’t have any. All three of these resolutions are increasing my quality of life. And besides, I don’t believe in regrets.  YOLO.

Online dating usernames: The bad, the good, and the average

Hey readers!  L here and ready to bring you the scoop from the internet dating websites. Never fear readers. I may be one year older as of a few days ago, but I’m as immature and judgmental as ever. Which is why I’d like to use our time today to judge fellow online daters on one thing: their usernames.

The minute you join any online dating site, the first thing you have to do is create a username. Why not just use your real name and email, you ask?

doh

http://giphy.com/gifs/8WdsK61D9YOOc

Because you don’t want all those creeps out there to immediately google/facebook/email you. Plus, while we at StuCu obviously believe an online dating profile is nothing to be ashamed of (even though my mom keeps referring to internet dating as “paying for sex”), we also don’t want to openly advertise our first and last names to all the folks in the area, who are potential clients, colleagues, friends of friends, etc.

So, enter the USERNAME. Where, depending on the guidelines of the site, you have 5-20 characters to convey your identity in a smart, witty, way that won’t scare people or give away your identity.

THE BAD

Now, you’d think this would be pretty easy to do. However, for some people, this is very challenging. Here are a few examples *changed slightly to protect identities* of the worst ones I’ve found yet.

JamesNeedhamIII- So you know how I just said it’s really dumb to use your first and last name? Some people do it anyway. And to those people I say, “I hope you are not going on a job interview any time soon.” 

Notlookingforsluts- Oh hello, nice guy of Okcupid! Thank  god you made it clear in your username that you aren’t looking for a slut, because I was just about to message you and offer you my body. Word to the wise, and also to you: hold off on using derogatory terms to refer to women till at least the second date.

Stinkypants-The only person who could possibly get away with this is a baby. And while babies are cute (SO.CUTE.)  they should NOT be online dating.

Now, S and I have discussed the possibility that some “bad” usernames may be intended for comedic purposes. This post was the original brainchild of a spontaneous gchat about bad usernames:

gchat offensive user names

Thanks S, for being the voice of reason and drawing that conversation to a close. As I learn all too regularly, there is a fine line between being funny and just plain scary. And one (me, obvs) should avoid that line when it comes to dating.

THE GOOD

Every once in awhile, I’ll stumble across a username that makes me outright LOL, or, become so impressed/intrigued I actually message the guy!

ZackMorrisCellPhone/DavidSilver/SayAnything- Nothing makes me weak in the knees like a casual reference to late 80s/early 90s pop culture. Nothing. I usually get so excited I’ll message something CRAY like, “Meet me at the Max in 1 hour?” or, “You were the best DJ Donna ever dated!” or, “Diane Court here.”  

so excited sbb

http://giphy.com/gifs/dLyfT21xFdwpG

BagelMeetBagel- Surprise, surprise. This one came from a Jewish guy. (See Dad, I don’t hate them all!) I like it because 1) It’s a clever play on a name for another internet dating service and 2) It’s a little joke about Judaism, which you know I appreciate.

Herecomesyourman-One of my favorite Pixies songs transformed into a username. Just go ahead and hold a boom box up to my window, why dontcha?

Key takeaways here:

  • Humor is good.
  • LLoyd Dobler is greatness rolled into one single man.
  • Pop culture references are good, for the most part, provided they don’t reference recent murder cases.
  • And when in doubt, make a little healthy fun of my religion, and I’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand.

THE AVERAGE

The truth is, readers, most usernames are just very, well, average. And, honestly, average is probably a safe, smart place to stay before you’ve met someone.

A visit or message from Mark3456 or jbt78 or Cardinalsfan may not catch my eye as quickly as I_shot_the_Sheriff_forreal. But that’s ok. Because honestly, what people say in their messages, and their profiles, is way more important than their username.

And sadly, easier to screw up. We’ve already done a post or two on profiles and messages, but rest assured, readers! There is enough material here to run a daily tumbler for eternity. In fact, you can find one of my favorite message tumblrs here. This should keep y’all busy for awhile.

Message Monday: Facebook stalking fail

I realize that investigating (online stalking) has been my theme of choice on the blog lately. But after watching Traevon Jackson miss a critical free throw last night and cost the Wisconsin Badgers an NCAA title (yes, I am the blogger who likes March Madness, and yes, S, I put this reference in here mostly to annoy you), I was reminded that even the best of us make mistakes sometimes. Which is why, today, I bring you a message from the archives that demonstrates that even I am not above the online stalking FAIL.

Back in November, during the 2013 season of my life that will forever be known as “man madness,” due to the exciting, unpredictable, and frequent nature of dates back then, I exchanged a relatively boring couple of messages with “M”:

facebook stalking gone wrong PT 1

Sure, he dared bring up the Jewish thing, which we all know I’m not very excited about. But his messages were short and sweet, which I appreciate, and I’m partial to anybody with Philly ties. The real worry I had about M was that he only had one profile picture. And, I learned very early on in the world of online dating, you cannot trust a single picture to tell you what someone actually looks like. So, when M replied with his name, I used his name plus the information from his profile to find him on the internet. So, I went to his facebook profile to see if I could find public photos to get a better sense of what he looked like. Sadly, what it revealed was that he was a conservative republican, and that the picture he used for his OKC profile was taken four years ago. Before I could pat myself on the back for being such an internet sleuth, something terrible happened. Maybe it was because it was late at night and I was tired. Maybe it was because I had consumed one too many hot toddys at a party. I. ACCIDENTALLY. CLICKED: “add friend.”

nick what have i done

FOX / Via reactiongifs.com

OK, OK, “Don’t panic,” I told myself. “There must be a way to cancel the request. And there was. Thank god for Facebook help page. I toggled over the request and pressed cancelled. All good. 

However, several hours later, M messaged me again:

facebook part 3

 

 

slow clap

http://giphy.com/gifs/37Ez5CZ8P0jSM 

What Facebook’s help page NEGLECTED to mention was that if a person still gets email notifications about friend requests, those DO NOT get cancelled. So, how did I respond to being called out?

I didn’t.  I did the mature thing and blocked him on Facebook and on OKCupid.

Can’t win ’em all folks. And here’s some advice from me to you: Do not drink and Facebook.

Surprise date with a Mormon

Hi readers! How I’ve missed you! In case you don’t  know the intimate details of our lives or lack my amazing detective skills, let me go ahead and give you some answers to the clever riddle S used to explain our egregious negligence of this blog.

It was I who was in Puerto Rico, for “work.” And when I wasn’t working, I was just looking at this:

PR

Go ahead and hate me for a minute. You can even feel a little jealous of me. But that jealousy will be short-lived folks, because you’ll soon be comfortably laughing at my misfortune yet again, when I tell you it was also me who went out with a Mormon. A fact, friends, which was unbeknownst to me, until he disclosed it 30 minutes into our date.

Let me back up a bit and tell you how this union came to be. It was actually my doing, you see, because I messaged this Mormon.  I had just reluctantly ended things with another harmless, perfectly normal, tall, cute, guy, who, despite my best efforts (listening to “pump it up” music before dates, leaning a little too heavily on the bourbon, etc), I just didn’t feel anything for. So I decided, rather than wallowing in  self loathing and reflection about whether or not I’m sabotaging my opportunities for happiness, I’d get back in the saddle ASAP by messaging some dudes and getting some dates lined up.

hot mess

data1.whicdn.com

So I sent a few messages out into the OKC universe. I’ll admit, my strategy for messaging guys is pretty haphazard. I’ll just browse for guys that I think are cute, check for any red flag questions, and then if his profile is fairly interesting and doesn’t reek of overt sexism or serious mommy issues, I find something we have in common and shoot him a quick message.

In D’s case, what we had in common was a shared love for the best convenience store in the United States, or for that matter, the free world. (If you can’t guess from this description, I urge you to 1) click on the above link  and hear the angels sing 2) slap yourself in the face for not discovering Wawa sooner 3) punch yourself in the stomach if you actually think another convenience store is better than Wawa).

If you don’t find my Wawa passion charming and adorable, don’t worry. D did. He messaged me back right away and we agreed to meet for a drink a few days later.

As soon as I sat down on our date, I realized that a love for Wawa hoagies might be the ONLY thing D and I had in common. He preferred the suburbs to the city, fixed cars in his spare time, and, brace yourself S, liked DAVE MATTHEWS BAND. “That’s ok,” I thought to myself. “So what if we have nothing in common? I can make conversation with a brick wall! I can get seriously attached to an ex Domino’s pizza manager/recovering heroin addict. This could still work!”

Even though D seemed seriously focused on filling the date with awkward silences, I decided to make like the sport that I am and ask him about himself:

L: “So, you mentioned you like the Utah Jazz?” I asked. “Did you spend some time in Utah?” 

D: “Yes.”

L: “Cool! Were you born there or did you go there for school?”

D: “Both. Most of my family lives there. And, I went to BYU.”

Oh, hello there MITT ROMNEY!!! Didn’t know you were in the market for a half-Jewish girl and devout socialist. Anyone who watched the 2012 election coverage knows that socialists (like me and Barack Obama) and Mormons do not mix.

L: “Wait, are you a Mormon?” (Tact is not my strength, in case you couldn’t already tell).

D: “Yeah. I don’t follow all the rules though.” Motions to his drink.

L: “OH OK. COOL. COOL. Do you mind if people ask you about it?”

Readers, let’s stop and take a pause here, because it’s about to get a little politically incorrect.The normal person who is buried very deep inside me knows that it can get offensive fast when uninformed people ask other people about their religion or culture. But the thing is, I was 1) so shocked he hadn’t just noted the Mormon thing on his profile and saved both of us the trouble 2) really bored on the date and running out of things to talk about, that I couldn’t help but get a little inappropriate. (See JDate, I am an equal opportunity offender of religious groups.)

L: “So, have you met Tom Cruise or John Travolta or anything? Or, do you mostly practice with the local Mormon community here?”

D: “Why would I meet them?”

L: “Aren’t they like, devoted, Mormons? Don’t they travel around, trying to get people to convert? I mean, Tom almost got Katie Holmes. THANK GOD SHE GOT OUT. No offense or anything.”

D: “That’s Scientology. They are Scientologists. It’s different.”

L: “Oh god, you’re right! Sorry! I just was thinking of like, other religions based on books some man wrote.”

D: “Hmm.”

L: “So, why didn’t you put it on your profile? Or did I just not see it?”

D: “Would that have changed things?”

L: “Depends. Do you want to be with a Mormon girl?”

D: “Yeah, definitely.”

L. Guzzles drink. (Please note that by this time I was on my third Jameson and ginger).

Welp, after that we made small talk about car parts and quickly finished our drinks. CAR PARTS FOLKS! Do you understand now why I had to get all Comedy Central in his face about the Mormon thing? I was trying to stay awake! 

How did things end with D? Let’s just say you’re not going to see me on this show anytime soon:

Date rating: 2/10 (I am giving D two points for refraining from giving me a deserved lecture on religious ignorance). D deposited me at my bus stop faster than you can say, special underwear. The thing is, I don’t get why he went out with me in the first place. My profile clearly indicates that I’m an agnostic, recovering Jew. So, while I acted like an intolerant ditz, I am not NOT saying he didn’t ask for it by misguidedly going out with me, and being so darn boring I couldn’t help but stir the pot a bit. 

*I guess I’m going to have to fine tune my messaging strategy.

**Stephanie Meyer if you’re reading this, I just want you to know I mean no ill will toward Mormons. And I love your books! Team Edward for life!

Addendum: My little brother just called me and gave me a lecture on how this post makes it sound like I don’t like Mormons and wouldn’t go out with a Mormon guy. For those of you who felt similarly after reading, let me clarify:

-I would have still gone out with him even if he had marked his religion as Mormon in his profile. I mean, if he had said he was a strict observer, didn’t drink, and only wanted a Mormon girl, I wouldn’t have messaged him in the first place, but that would have been because we didn’t share values/interests, not solely because of his religion. 

-On the flip side, what I was most shocked about is that he went out with ME. Yet, he wanted to marry a Mormon girl. Just like I probably wouldn’t date  anyone who was super religious, I wouldn’t expect them to date me, because I am not. That’s why this date was surprise/accidental. 

-The number one reason I never contacted him again was because the date was terrible. It was not because I found out he was a Mormon. I mean, if it went well this post would be titled: “My Mormon boyfriend: Why I will be the cool Ann Romney.” Which would have been more hilarious/uplifting than a story of another failed date.

-For the other member’s of little B’s PC police squad: This blog is meant to be funny, candid, and real. I never mean to offend someone I haven’t met yet (if we have met, then yes, I might mean to offend you), but sometimes I do. And for that I’m sorry. But, I will leave you with this Louie CK clip to remind you that sometimes, the best comedy makes us uncomfortable:

That’s right, I just compared myself to Louie CK. I’ve officially made it.

Confessions of a private investigator: J, C, and me

If you couldn’t already tell, I consider myself a woman who wears many hats. (Not literally. I look terrible in hats. Mediocre bone structure.) But figuratively, I do a lot of things besides my day job. There is blogging, there is book clubbing, there is babysitting, there is some serious Pilates devotion. Am I good at all these things? Not necessarily. But you know one side hobby I’m quite good at? INVESTIGATING. (Some people call it online stalking). Now, I have to give credit where credit is due. I learned 30% of my tricks from Law and Order and CSI Miami, which is why I have conferred on myself an honorary police academy degree.

And, I learned most of my skills from watching this chick:

veronica mars

Via: http://veronicamars-is-smarterthanme.tumblr.com/

Seriously Veronica, I won’t stop it, because you’re a goddess among mortals. For those of you who  were, sadly, deprived an adolescence, that beautiful, brilliant vixen you see is Veronica Mars, star of the self titled UPN series about a teenage, butt-kicking detective. Who my friends and I worshiped, and to this day, strive to be (minus all the near death experiences she has). 

Anyway, here’s the deal with investigating these days. It’s SO FREAKING EASY PEOPLE. I mean, remember how easy it was for S’s current dude to find our blog? 

Usually my investigation into my dates begins and ends with what I like to call “a little healthy googling.” Usually, the guy has shared enough with me via messages and his profile that I can perform an accurate enough google search to find his last name, and from there, perform another google search to learn everything about him. For example, if someone named Harry tells me he works at the World Bank and has 1984 in his username, I just search Harry, World Bank, DC, and, if needed, add the words graduated 2007 or 2006 and see if anything comes up. Once I realize his last name, I perform another search which usually reveals any letters he ever wrote to the editor, an old Myspace profile, his Meetup.com profile, and, if I’m lucky, perhaps some wonderful biography in his college alumni newsletter. Or I’ll get to listen to some wonderful tracks he and his band uploaded to Soundcloud.

Now, please don’t get all Judy Judgmental about “a little healthy googling.” First of all , information is POWER (and safety. You’re welcome mom. Told you I was taking care of myself). I am not meeting these guys through my cousin or mutual friends, I’m meeting them through the internet, a “place” where you can pretend to be anyone you want, including a bisexual Chechen with gastrointestinal problems. I want to make sure the guys I’m chatting with are who they say they are.

I understand that people often associate romantic things with mystery and surprise, but I believe that stuff belongs in the movies, or an at anniversary party you plan for your grandparents.

Now, the only thing about online stalking before your first date is that you learn things your date might want to tell you in a first meeting, such as where he went to college, what he does for a living, what his hobbies are, etc. And, for the sake of the conversation, you need to be able to nod along  as if you’re interested and ask interesting follow-up questions. It’s no good for your chemistry if you act like you know more about his background than he does.

Top-25-Ron-Hermione-movie-moments-24-Wingardium-Leviosa-romione-28675714-245-130

Via: http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/romione/images/28675714/title/top-25-ron-hermione-movie-moments-24-fanart 

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to stalk J,a guy I first went out with in mid-December, before our first date. Every once in awhile, a guy has a  very common first name, and a nondescript job like “analyst at a think tank,” which describes 40% of the men in DC. So, I went into my first date with J blind. Fortunately, the date was super fun. He made a reservation at one of those exclusive little speakeasy places I’d be been wanting to try. And in addition to being really handsome, he was smart and a gifted conversationalist. We talked for two hours, and he asked me out again for a second date before our first date was over. He sent me a couple of texts over the weekend, reiterating what a great time he had, and confirming our date for the following week.

Of course, on the date, J had revealed his undergrad university and his hometown, which provided me with more than enough information to do a Veronica-esque internet search on his background, which basically confirmed all the facts he told me on our first date.  

Or so I thought…

Enter second date, which happened two weeks after our first date due to Christmas vacation. We met up a bar in his neighborhood for drinks, dinner, and another great conversation. I mean, I will admit that while J was interesting and smart, he wasn’t the nicest person in the world.  But, I figured, I was on the market for  a fun date, not like, new candidates for pope.  So I ignored that part of his personality for the time being.  

At the end of the evening, J asked me if I wanted to come over for “a nightcap.”

Now here’s the thing people. I know I talked a bit about how I wanted to run a longer game in 2014. But you should have seen J’s body. I mean, I could see it under his shirt. His button down, preppy shirt. I swear, it was in the neighborhood of this:

ryan-gosling-hey-girl-8

Via primarybeats.com 

So, I hope you will not judge me when I tell you that I said yes to the nightcap. And when we got up to his apartment and he said, “Actually, I don’t even really have any alcohol. We can split a beer if you want.” I stayed. I wasn’t in it for the beer, friends.

So, an hour later, I am using J’s restroom, and I decide to do another investigator move called, “a little healthy snooping.”  Before you get all Jay-Z on me and tell me I’m gonna need a warrant for that, let me explain the parameters of this exercise:

  • Anything in plain view is fair game. Always. If you don’t want me to see your DVD copy of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” put it away.
  • If I’m staying over, the medicine cabinet and under the bathroom sink are fair game. I mean, don’t you want me to brush my teeth? Change the toilet paper roll? C’mon.
  • Thou shalt not inquire about any prescription bottles that she finds. (Googling prescriptions surreptitiously on your phone is allowed, however.)
  • Never ever ever open any dresser drawers or that bedside table drawer. Just don’t.

Per rule #2, I was staying over and therefore had grounds to access anything in the bathroom. (Don’t you like all my legal jargon? I told you I had an honorary police academy degree!)  PLUS, J had just moved apartments and his stuff was in little boxes all over the floor. And what did I see on top of a box but a hair dryer? Now, J had pretty short hair, so I was guessing the hair dryer wasn’t his. But who knows? Maybe he kept it for guests, or used it to dry his socks? But then I opened the medicine cabinet (ostensibly looking for toothpaste and face wash). And, sitting on one of the shelves was an open pack of Neutrogena Eye Makeup Remover wipes.

My spidey senses told me something was off here. So, what did I do? First, I used the makeup wipes to take the mascara off my eyes. Nobody wants to go to bed with that on. But then, I went back to J’s room and said, “Why do you have makeup wipes and a hair dryer in your bathroom? Did you just break up with a girlfriend or something?”

J looked a little caught off guard. “Uh…yeah…that’s it.  I just broke up with my ex-girlfriend. How did you know?”

“Why else would you have feminine products in your apartment?” I replied.

But then, without missing another beat, J said, “I kept the hair dryer because I might need it again someday. And I use the make-up wipes for camping trips.”

Maybe I was tired. Maybe I wanted to believe him, just for a few hours, because we were having so much fun. But I dropped the subject and we got back to business.

But the next morning, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up. When he kissed me goodbye, and said, “See you later, right?,” I decided to take a stand and not respond like a normal, conflict-averse person. I said, “Listen J. It’s fine if this was just a fun fling, and you don’t want to see me later. But there is no reason to tell me that if you have no intention of calling me again.”

Now, between last night’s investigative plunge into his bathroom supplies and this aggressive statement, J’s spidey-senses were probably going off too. And, while, they may have said, “This lady is CRAY,” they most certainly must have said, “This girl is ON TO ME.” Of course, J, was like, “No, I really want to see you again. As long as you want to see me too.”

When I returned home, I decided to find out a little more about who J’s ex girlfriend was. So, I returned to his facebook page, and examined the public posts on his wall, and who had liked and commented on his photo. I noticed one girl commenting and liking photos again and again. Her name was C. I clicked on C’s profile and what did I find? A picture of her and J, together, arms around each other.

Now, some of you may be thinking:That means nothing. C could be a sister,  a cousin, a friend. But J didn’t have any sisters. And if she was a relative, he was holding her a little too close for comfort. 

Now you still may be thinking: Maybe that’s an old profile picture. But she had just posted it a week ago. And someone had commented, “Is that you two at Christmas?”

Our old friends Benson and Stabler would call this circumstantial evidence. And indeed it was. So I decided to dig deeper. And what did I find? C had a wildly public online presence, complete with a blog, public Instragram, Pinterest, and Twitter account. Instagram featured a bunch of pictures of her and J together. On Twitter, she was promoting some articles J had written. And, on Pinterest, C had a Pinboard dedicated to J, and one dedicated to, presumably, her future wedding.

So, what’s an investigator’s next move? Bring in a trusted team of consultants, of course. I immediately g chatted my friend K and asked her to review the evidence:

k and l chat about j                            

Of course, I reached out to S for a good old reality check:

l AND s DISCUSS J

So what was the result of these investigations? I never contacted J again and he never contacted me either. Maybe it was just a regular old fade away, but I like to think that I avoided an untimely death by a hot, Gos-bodied sociopath.  And, for the record, while C’s obit hasn’t appeared in the paper yet, she has not updated her social media in awhile, indicating a possible disappearance. I mean, when you put all the evidence together, J was one sketchy individual. And, after a careful review of the evidence, even S came to that conclusion:

j serial killer

So cheers to being alive readers, even it’s alive and going on lots of first dates. See you next week, unless J gets to me first.