Happy ’14, ladies and germs!

This Message Monday is brought to you not by an Okcupid user, but by Okcupid itself. I actually thought that this email was some kind of joke or that okc had been hacked when it first showed up in my inbox. I called L to see if she’d gotten it, too, and the following exchange occurred:

me: Did you get that terrifying email from Okcupid with the gross picture of the scorpion?

L: (smugly) Actually, I changed my settings so they can’t email me about anything. So I wouldn’t know.

me: Yeah, but this was not your typical ‘so and so messaged you’ kind of thing. It looked like a mass message to all their users. You didn’t get it? It’s absurd.

L: No, like I said, my privacy preferences prevent them from ever contacting me. You should try it.

Fast forward 24 hours…

HA! So much for L’s magical privacy preferences. Anyway, feast your eyes on the email in question from the fine people of Humor Rainbow, Inc:

I’m sorry…

Why are you imbeciles sending me close up pictures of a scorpion and its terrifying shed skin? Yes, I have heard of molting and no, I don’t think it’s awesome. In fact, I have a PATHOLOGICAL FEAR of all things creepy crawly. Also, are you not aware that single people across this great nation just survived a harrowing holiday season? A season which included the following:

• a parade of holiday engagement announcements on Facebook (I counted four on my news feed and I’m pretty sure that’s a low number for my age bracket)
• obnoxious questions from nosy family members about our single status
• smug couples EVERYWHERE posing for cutesy photo ops in front of trees and under mistletoe
  
• listening with feigned interest to what so and so’s boyfriend/husband gave so and so and isn’t it SOOOOO thoughtful (meanwhile the most thoughtful thing a dude has ever given me is flowers from Wegmans. I’m serious). 
• midnight kisses on New Year’s Eve that you have no choice but to combat by triple kissing your only other two single friends in the room (again, wish I were kidding. But it happened. Thanks, L and L!)

So, Okcupid, I ask you:

HAVEN’T SINGLE PEOPLE SUFFERED ENOUGH?

I’m just over here trying not to hang myself from my shower curtain rod because it’s Monday, January 6th, it’s raining cats and dogs, I have a hangover that was a month in the making, and essentially nothing to live for over the next three months except primetime TV and awards shows. So THANK YOU for brightening my day by comparing me to a grotesque, deadly creature that’s too disgusting and scary to even look at. And may I add, nothing puts me in the mood to “turn over a new leaf” and send some flirty messages to cute boys like staring at the dead skin of a poisonous arachnid.

Talk about insult to effing injury. Why do I even use this stupid service, again?

Oh, that’s right. Because I’m single. And also, apparently…