Hello friends! Here’s a little message Monday action from my least favorite dating site in the world, Jdate. As the end of my 3 month trial subscription nears, my rage towards the site compounds daily. I can’t wait to write a full on diatribe about the site, but until then, I’ll just treat you to this GEM of a message I received:

First of all, holy god (Or should I say, Yahway?)this is is long. Buddy, I’m not reading this shiz on a KIndle. I’d not trying to harken back to my University days when I had 200 pages to read per night. Please edit yourself.

Now, let’s begin analyzing this text further. I appreciate you stating that I do not have to be a mirror image of you. I know I have not wanted to date a mirror image of myself. According to my uncle, my closest mirror image looks something like this:

A wise Latina, yes. Someone I am attracted to, no. Sorry Sonia.

I also appreciate you letting me know that while Delaware is not that far away, there are places that are further away, like Zimbabwe or other countries in Africa. I suppose this means I must cancel my subscription to “Date a Bushman” or “Aboriginals Finding Love.” Too far away! Indeed, Delaware is my limit.

I especially enjoyed the portion of this message where you detail not only your resume, but also the educational history of your family members. One of my criteria for a relationship is “where your mom went to college.” It’s right up there with “strong feelings on domesticated animals” and “how many staplers you have on your desk.”

Lastly, good sir, in future messages, I suggest you refrain from drawing attention to the fact that you are out of shape, or other unattractive physical features. I mean, we all have our flaws.  Lord knows I have mine–I just admitted that a middle aged Supreme Court Justice is my celebrity Doppelganger. But I’m not messaging men and saying, “I do get the occasional zit on my chin, and know I should probably do something about my under eye circles. But you should have seen me in college! At least I’ve lost 20 pounds. I’ve made significant strides!!”

Put another tally in the L column for Jdate! And have good week readers!